Oh boy! Today’s funnies start off with these from Cookie:
A Senior Moment at Church
A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that could pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.
Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up and proclaims, “If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!” The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, “If the Preacher will stay on here, I’ll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!” More sighs and loud applause.
Joe Tavares stands up and says, “If the preacher stays I will provide him with all the wine he wants.”
Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, “If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex!”
There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her, “Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?”
Sadie’s 92 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, “Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, ‘Screw him!'”
This one is from my mother:
With time, women gain weight because we accumulate so much information and Wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our bodies. So we aren’t heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy.
Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, “Good grief, look how smart I am!”
Must be where the term ‘Smart Ass’ came from!
And last but not least, this has made its way around both my Tumblr and Facebook friends lists, and I thought it was too cute not to share: