Currently browsing: Food

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start off with these from my Cotillion sister, Janette:

The Atheist

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. “What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out: “Oh my God!…” Time stopped.

The bear froze. The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: “You deny My existence for all of these years, teach others I don’t exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect Me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?”

The atheist looked directly into the light, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?”

“Very well,” said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:

“Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord Amen.”

BEAR HUNTING

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, “That was my cousin and you’ve got two choices … Either I maul you to death or we have sex.”
After considering briefly, Frank decided to accede to the latter alternative. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.

He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, “That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you’ve got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex.” Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him very sadly and said, “Admit it, Frank, you don’t come here for the hunting, do you?”

The Mother-In-Law

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife cried, “What are we going to do?”
“Nothing,” said the hunter husband. “The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.”

And this one is from my pal, Rose:

This is even funnier when you realize it’s real! Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

~~Hi Sharon,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you’ve been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it’s not so bad after all . Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It’s a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool.

So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I’ve used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It’s like working in a Hot-Tub.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don’t have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn’t stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn’t shit for two days because my ass was swollen shut.

So, next time you’re having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass. Now repeat to yourself, ‘I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.’ Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?, or do I love my job.

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!

Tax Forms — It’s what’s for dinner!

“Hi honey, how was your day?”

That may be how some spouses greet their other half. In our house it’s: “Hey babe, what’s for dinner?”

Tonight when he asked, I smiled and said, “Tax forms. Hope you’re hungry!”

Jim happened to come home while the soup (which was wonderful BTW!) was simmering, and I was at my desk furiously tapping away at some notes on my laptop. In fact, I was in the midst of gathering the information I needed to file my taxes. Yes, I know it’s still January. I still need a couple small forms, otherwise I’ve already got everything organized and itemized, and ready to file. (I use TurboTax and love that it can save your data and let you come back later and fill in anything you’ve missed or skipped.)

Mr. Procrastination always waits until literally the last minute and files the “EZ” form online. Me, I itemize everything. I have folders FULL of receipts, records, and notes. Jim argues that itemizing doesn’t save us that much, and filing the EZ form is “so much easier” … I beg to differ. I’ve recorded every donation we’ve made to every charity in the last year. I also keep meticulous records of my medical records, prescriptions, doctor visits, and other miscellaneous medical expenses that I can claim. While it’s a bit tedious, I found that I got a couple hundred more through itemizing than I would if I had filed the EZ claim.

Of course Jim would much rather spend that time doing “something productive”. I swear, sometimes I think I’d get better responses by talking to the wood flooring instead. LOL!

So, what do you think?

Do you itemize? Why or why not? I’m interested!

Rules for watching Alabama football games

There is a sweet little old lady who gets her hair done at the salon where I go to get mine done. We had a chance to chat a few weekends ago when I was in there and our conversation gravitated towards football. She leaned over to me and said, “Do you know how I answer the phone when I’m watching a Bama game?” I shook my head and she replied, “Roll-tide-roll-make-this-quick!”

Anyone who knows me knows never ever EVER to call during a Bama game, but if some poor unfortunate soul ever did, I may just have to apply her tactic!

I thought of her this morning when I ran across Cheryl Wray’s post: “Momma’s Rules” for Watching Bama Games at Home

1. Once the game begins, all conversation will be focused solely on the game. If you choose to talk about anything else, you will be sent to another room.

2. During commercials, you have a quick respite to go to the bathroom, replenish your snack plate, or talk about games other than the current game being watched. Once the game is back on, however, you must be in your seat and attentive once again.

3. There will be no blocking the view of the television simply because you need to show me how well you do ballet.

4. If you decide to talk about boys, you must go to another room (this applies only to the preteen and teenage girls in my home).

5. You will attend the game properly attired. Ideally, you need to wear an Alabama shirt. If you do not have one, you can wear a generic red shirt. If you do not have one of these shirts, one will be provided for you.

6. You will bring appropriate game-day snacks. Chips and rotel dip, buffalo wings, pizza, rice krispy treats, chocolate cake are all fine with me. (Who am I kidding? Any food is good football food! Want to bring storebought? Fine. Want to bring gourmet? Bring it on.)

7. You have permission to scream mercilessly at the referees. You also have permission to laugh and mock the other team and coaches. You have permission to wring your hands over Alabama’s performance, but you will never yell “They suck.” My home is a hate-free environment and we will support our team no matter what (This applies primarily to my husband Gary, who gets completely disgusted the moment we commit our first fumble.)

8. You will listen to my incessant comments and commentary about the team’s playing during the game. I know everyone on the roster, have studied their stats, and know a bunch about the other team as well. You will bow to my intelligence (and keep your mouth shut if you don’t).

9. You will yell “Rolllllll Tiiiiiiiiiide” on every kickoff, and at other random moments throughout the game.

10. You will not (never, ever) ask such questions as, “What does holding mean?” or “Why did they get two points for that tackle in the end zone?” or “What’s a cornerback?” while the game is taking place. During a game is not the appropriate time to learn about football. (If, however, you have a sincere desire to understand the fine points of the game, I will be happy to answer reasonable questions during commercials.)

11. If you are a teenage daughter and would love to have a curfew extended, keys to the car, or some extra cash in your pocket, cheering alongside me with unabashed enthusiasm is a great start!

12. If you are a preteen, talking about how “hot” our team’s quarterback is (although he is quite the cutie) does not qualify as “educated football discussion.”

13. If you are a four-year-old, do not ask “When is this game going to be over?” repeatedly.

14. You are permitted to perform “happy dances” after touchdowns have been scored. I appreciate exuberance!

15. You will understand why I close my eyes and cover my face if we are behind with under two minutes to go; you will understand why I actually leave the room if we are trying to score to win within the last thirty seconds. If you don’t understand, you will get over it anyway.

H/T: TideGrad ‘93 and Brian McDaniel

ROLL TIDE!

Fried pickle foolery

As a reward for helping him with his blog upgrade (read: snafu) last week, Jim took me out Saturday to my favorite restaurant, Cajun Steamer. I am absolutely enamored with their red beans and rice and my new favorite deep fried delicacy: fried pickles. I’ve tried those at several other places and IMO, nobody beats “the Steamer.” A close second would be the fried pickle spears at Porky’s Pride in Fultondale. (they have GREAT bbq!)

So yeah, I’m a fried pickle eating fool … maybe one of these days I’ll buy a deep fryer and start making my own. (I like ‘em spicy!)

Our internet has been doing going up and down for the last week or so, plus there’s been a lot of static on the line when we used the phone. This weekend we bought a new router (found that the old one was fine), several replacement splitters and panels for the phone connection in the living room (those were probably fine as well), replaced the phone line (well, that was probably needed), and finally found that when we unplugged the kitchen phone the static stopped and the internet connection seemed to stabilize.

Weird.

So with the internet connection back to somewhat normal, Jim was a happy camper and spent most of yesterday playing Conan. Me, I had a persistent headache — complete with nausea and dizziness, so I did a little cleaning, but spent most of the day lying in bed. Luckily, I don’t get these often. My migraine pain meds did little for the headache and because I was so nauseous, I didn’t eat (which usually just makes the headache worse). Ugh.

I seriously wouldn’t wish this upon anyone … except maybe the idiot neighbor who decided to let his dog yip for 6 freakin’ hours straight!

I don’t think I went to sleep until after 2 am this morning. Unfortunately the only things on tv at that hour are infomercials for anything from Proactiv acne cream to ‘magical’ body slimmers to Girls Gone Wild. Ugh. Lucky for me, Jim had just picked up a copy of last season’s The Closer dvd set, so I watched that instead.

So today I’m making a point to stay hopped up on caffeine just so I can stay awake. ;P

Back in the Heart of Dixie

Well, things are slowly returning back to “normal” … I was greeted this morning with 600+ emails in my work Inbox, 100+ in my personal, and ~3000 feed entries waiting to be read.

LOL! Miss me much did they?

I see that WordPress has released 2.6 finally. The blogosphere is all a-buzz with the news. Suggested reading: Doug Campbell, Keith Dsouza, and Ryan Boren. So now I’ll have to update all my blogs, themes, and plugins.

Yay … I’ll get around to it (hopefully!) this week …

We had a great time in NOLA. The drive down and back was pretty pleasant. We took the “scenic route” passing through Montgomery, stopping by Jim’s mom’s both ways (she kept Jessie for us). I was reminded why I love living in Alabama. I remember thinking to myself, “My God, we live in a beautiful state!”

We stopped briefly in Waveland, Mississippi, and in upper Louisiana. It’s been nearly 10 years since I’ve been down there … everything I remember is gone. Katrina and Rita really kicked the collective asses of coastal cities in lower AL, MS, and LA.

Otherwise the drive down to New Orleans was nice. We had great weather (outside of the heat and OPPRESSIVE humidity!) I took the time while in New Orleans to see some sights, have some great food, partake in local (and interesting) spirits, and just enjoy myself in general. The reunion was a lot of fun, and it was interesting to see the people Jim grew up with.

I was lucky enough to meet up and have lunch with two of my Cotillion sisters: Greta Perry and Conservative Belle. I would have liked to have spent more time with them, but the heat royally kicked my butt and Jim and I had so much planned, LOL!

Hopefully I’ll be making another trip down that way pretty soon!

We stopped by so many shops in the French Quarters that I loved! Many had beautiful clothing and jewelry that I could have easily gone “ga-ga” over. We stopped in one vampire shoppe that had many cute novelties and some interesting books covering local and Southern folklore. The shop owner had a BEAUTIFUL German Sheppard (the “head of security” LOL!) that was just as sweet as he could be!

I want another dog!

We also stopped by a local mall to pick up a few amenities that were forgotten in the hurried packing process. It was pretty much like what we have here back at home. I checked out one store that sold a lot of cell gear, drooled over some bluetooth cell phone headsets and considered getting another micro sd card for my Helio Ocean. (nah, will wait and get them cheaper online! LOL)

One thing that really sticks out in my memory is how “available” alcohol is down there. I kid you not, we walked into a Wal-mart and there was a HUGE section with every type of liquor and beer I could ever want! And you can’t walk 50 feet without coming across a daiquiri shop!

There’s so much more to tell, but we’ll leave it at this for now …

It’s good to be home!

Weekend and upcoming NOLA trip

We’ll be heading down to Montgomery this weekend. Jim’s brother is on leave from Afghanistan and flew in sometime last night. We’ll be visiting with him a while and will be bringing Jessie back home with us. In a way I feel sorry for her mother … she’s been really lonely without her. She depends on Jessie for companionship and entertainment, and has no idea how to function without her. (Honestly makes me wonder how she lived BEFORE Jessie was born!)

Jim and I have enjoyed our “quiet time” together. Both of us recently have been stressed from work and other matters and needed some time to reconnect … these two weeks have given us just that. I’m indebted to Jim’s mom for allowing Jessie to stay down there with her and her cousins.

I know Jessie enjoys staying with them, so that’s always a bonus!

I came home one night this week and Jim had already prepared dinner and bought a gallon of my favorite brew. What a man, what a man, what a mighty good man. :mrgreen:

Our trip to New Orleans will be coming up soon. I’m really looking forward to seeing the Big Easy again and seeing where Jim grew up. I’m also looking forward to meeting up with my Cotillion sisters who live down that way. (OMG, which reminds me … I still need to order my tiara! LOL!!)

I see a shopping trip in the near future!

Jim’s really been looking forward to this trip and has been working out to try to lose some weight before the reunion. Exercising, taking bodybuilding supplements and vitamin supplements, I’m proud of him he’s done really well. Me … not so much. I haven’t been able to get my weight quite down as low as I’d like … being on the amitriptyline is setting me back. I’m hesitant to ask my doctor about being switched to another migraine preventive. This work is working the best out of all I’ve tried so far, but the gain in appetite has been a real bitch to deal with. ;P

Oh well, I’m still relatively healthy so I can’t complain too much … right?

Stop this rollercoaster, I want off!

The past month has been an emotional rollercoaster from Hell. I finally got my car back this weekend. Jim and I rode over to Perfect Reflections, who did the body work. The car looks great, and as far as I can see you can’t tell that it was ever damaged! I’m very pleased with their work, and highly recommend them to anyone who needs body or restoration work!

We still haven’t settled with the other insurance company. We’ve had some disagreements over the paperwork, then lawyers were involved, so right now we’re kind of in a holding pattern until we can see a new set of paperwork.

Oh the joy … :roll:

Jim and I have been on each other’s nerves a lot lately and decided to get out for a bit yesterday. We finally saw Ironman — I liked this movie VERY much! Seemed a bit short though, am hoping the DVD release has extras, you know, deleted scenes, and the like. Downey Jr. looked great and I enjoyed the soundtrack. (I’ll probably be buying a copy of it too!)

We also trekked around various parts of Birmingham over the weekend. We had dinner Friday night at Cajun Steamer, and dinner last night at El Carreton. (If you’re ever in the north Jefferson area, look ‘em up! VERY tasty Mexican food!!!) We stopped by Best Buy, Jim needed an HDMI cable for the tv upstairs. I perused the Asian films for an old kung fu movie I’ve been trying to find. Having no luck, I decided to check the music aisles … and a good thing too, seeing the small section of Lordi CDs reminded me that I accidentally cracked mine and so I picked up a new copy of The Arockalypse. Even better — it was a special edition! 3 extra tracks (one which is my FAVE Lordi song!) and a DVD of goodies.

Bonus! :mrgreen:

Jim’s watching the race and I’m sitting here looking at the folder full of stuff I bookmarked to post on or about … I think I’ll put ‘em off until tomorrow. I’ve been enjoying my “time off” and Jim and I have needed the “together time” to work out various things.

Mental note: I *so* owe Jim’s mom big time for keeping Jessie all this time … we’ve badly needed a “break”!

Busy weekend and belated ‘thanks’

I swear, I think our weekends are getting to be busier than our weekdays! ;P Friday was pretty hectic, and add the bad weather on top of that, it made for an interesting start to the weekend. Jessie’s karate test was Saturday — she’s now moved up from orange belt to a purple belt! Jim and I took pictures and filmed, so hopefully those will be up soon. We had a chance to talk to Jessie’s senseis for a bit, and both had nothing but good things to say about our little ray of sunshine. I noted that ever since beginning taking karate, she’s shown so much improvement … both in the dojo and outside of it!

Jessie left after the test with her mother. Jim and I went over to see my folks and saw my brother Jeremy and his wife Christy. They had Ryland with them, so I got to spend a little time with my favorite niece.

Isn’t she precious?

Stupidity knows no bounds

Today Jim and Jessie took me to brunch for Mother’s Day. I got a little aggravated earlier because I specifically told her mother that I was picking her up early and that we were going out to eat. Originally it was supposed to be breakfast … I pick Jessie up and find out that her mother had her EAT BREAKFAST right before I was to pick her up!

*beats head into wall repeatedly*

I swear, one of these days I’m bound to say something to this woman that I know I will regret, but that she also fully DESERVES.

So we waited a bit and went for ‘brunch’ … Jessie was hungry enough and Jim and I were starving! There was a slight ‘incident’ with a group that cut in line infront of us and another family. When I said something to one of the party members, she muttered something about us being ‘racists’ — the party members were black. :roll:

They moved on before I could say anything else, but I was fully ready to retort with, “It has nothing to do with race. The color of one’s skin does NOT exempt one from using common courtesy and manners!”

So I fumed a bit, but got over it. We were at Ryan’s and the food and service were great, which fully made up for the inconvenience before being seated. In their defense, it WAS packed, which made it a bit hard for the staff at the front to keep track of who should be where. However, that being said, I find it hard NOT to notice the general lack of manners by people I run across in public nowadays.

To most of these people, I am dying to say, “I *KNOW* your mother taught you better!”

A heart-felt and belated “Thanks!”

If all goes well, it looks like I’ll win this round in the Lunarpages’ WordPress theme design contest. I am completely overwhelmed by the response and surge in votes from family, friends, and extended community. I emailed a few close to me, and just about every one of them emailed their friends and family, and so on and so forth; and I posted on here and you each voted and responded in kind. (thank you!!) My Cotillion sisters rose to the occasion offering support and votes (thank you, girls! I love y’all!). Jim reached out to his guild and the guys have been very supportive with votes and feedback. (thank you!!) And last but certainly not least, the gargantuan legion of members over at the Soldiers’ Angels forums were a tremendous help in attaining and keeping the lead. (thank you very very much, Angels!!!)

Leave it to the French…

You’ve heard of wine clubs, right? Well, what about wine pawns?

According to Slashfood, the Crédit Municipal de Paris is accepting wine as collateral for loans to its customers.

A spokesman for the pawnbroker says that this move attracts customers who wouldn’t want to pawn jewelry or the like, but a valuable bottle of wine is discreet enough to remove from the home.

Funny thing … in our house, alcohol would be one of the first things we’d notice missing!

There’s a Monty Python skit in there somewhere, I just know it!

“Bring out your wine! Bring out your wine! … ” :wink:

See? I was right!

I have absolutely HATED the taste of lemon in my sweet tea for years. To this day, one of the quickest ways to get on my ‘bad side’ is to put one of those sour slices of Hades in my tea — especially if I had just asked someone not to do so. I’m pretty obsessive/neurotic about this, and don’t see myself getting past it anytime soon.

Someone recently asked me why, besides the taste, I didn’t like lemons in my tea; and why couldn’t I just quietly take it out (and not make a fuss over it) like a “normal person.” I told her that I didn’t like the idea of someone (not me) putting their fingers in my drink. She said that if they do it right, no fingers touch my drink, just pop the lemon on the edge of the glass. I replied that we were assuming that the lemons being distributed were cut on a clean (sterilized!) cutting board or similar surface, and that the person or persons handling the slices/wedges were wearing gloves at the time, or used whatever scooping device to prevent them from touching unclean hands and/or another unclean surface.

That’s assuming a lot if you ask me.

I’ve worked in the food industry and I know for a fact that not all eatery/restaurant employees would be as diligent as I am about working with clean hands when dealing with food of any kind and maintaining a sanitary working/cooking environment so as to prevent any kind of contamination. That said, I’m glad to know that there have been many recent studies done which backup my “lemon paranoia,” including this one featured on SlashFood today! There’s even an entry on Snopes about it.

While the following video could be seen more as a scare tactic, the issue itself seems to still be open to debate. In the meantime, I will continue to be overly cautious about what I eat/drink when going out. (I can thank my mother for this neurosis, LOL!)

Decide for yourself:

Next Page »