Today’s funnies are courtesy of Cookie:
THE GOLFING NUN
A nun walks into Mother Superior”s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
“What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”
“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”
“I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?”
“Far from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, I even took the Lord’s name in vain today!”
“Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”
“Well, we were on the fifth tee…and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green…and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.
And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted …and it hits a bird in mid-flight !”
“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”
“No, that wasn’t it,” admitted Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”
“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized the Mother.
“But I didn’t, Mother!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether it was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!”
“So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother with a knowing smile.
“Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said…
“You missed the f#$%ing putt, didn’t you?”
The Difference Between A Marine Officer And A Gunnery Sergeant (Gunny)
A young Marine officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade, but the only visible permanent injury was to both of his ears which were amputated. Since his hearing wasn’t impaired he remained in the Marine Corps. Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of major general. He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the general was interviewing three Marines, prospects for his headquarters staff.
The first was an aviator captain, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the general asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?”
The young officer answered, “Why, yes, Sir, I couldn’t help but notice that you have no ears.”
The general got very angry at his lack of tact and threw him out.
The second interview was with a logistics Lieutenant, and he was even better. The general then asked him the same question, “Do you notice anything different about me?”
He replied sheepishly, “Well, Sir, you have no ears.”
The general, now really pissed, threw him out also.
The third interview was with a Marine gunnery sergeant, an infantryman and Staff NCO Gunnery Sergeant (Gunny). He was articulate, looked extremely sharp and seemed to know more than the two officers combined. The general wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same question, “Do you notice anything different about me?”
To his surprise the Gunny said, “Yes, Sir, you wear contact lenses.”
The general was very impressed and thought, what an incredibly observant NCO, and he didn’t mention my ears. “And how do you know that I wear contacts?” the General asked.
“Well, Sir,” the gunny replied, “It’s pretty hard to wear glasses with no f#$%in’ ears.”