In honor of tonight’s matchup, I’ve compiled a list of football-related funnies from a myriad of sources. So without further ado, let’s get started:
Q: What does a tornado in Dallas and a divorce in Houston have in common?
A: In both cases someone is going to lose a trailer!
A UT grad is driving home from work when his cell phone rings. He answers and his wife says, “Honey I just wanted to warn you and let you know that I am watching the news and some idiot is driving on the wrong side of the interstate.”
The UT grad then replied “I am already on my way home, but you’re wrong. It is not one idiot but hundreds of them.”
Albert Einstein goes to a party. He introduces himself to a lady and says, “Hi, I’m Albert Einstein. What’s you’re IQ?”
“240,” she says.
“Great, we can discuss the mysteries of the universe and other things. We have a lot we can talk about ” he replies. Later he is talking with a man and says, “Hi, I’m Albert Einstein. What’s you’re IQ?”
“145,” he replies.
“Great, we can talk about thermodynamics,” says Albert. Later he is talking to another gentleman and says, “Hi, I’m Albert Einstein. What’s you’re IQ?”
“43,” the man manages to say. Einstein gets a puzzled look on his face for a minute then says, “How about them Longhorns?”
A Longhorn fan was driving in his car and swerving wildly from left to right. This went on for about five minutes until finally a cop pulls him over and asks, “Sir, why are you driving that way?”
The UT grad replies, “Well officer, I was driving along when I saw a tree. I had to move left until I saw another tree. Practically everywhere I went, I saw a tree and I had to keep turning.”
Then the cop said, “You are a Longhorns fan aren’t you?”
“Yeah! How did you know?”
“That’s your air freshener.”
An Alabama fan and a Texas fan are standing on opposite ends of a river yelling across at each other about which team is better. Suddenly, a genie pops out of thin air and offers to grant each fan a single wish.
The Texas fan pipes out, “I’ll go first.” The genie agrees and allows the Texas fan to annouce his wish first. “I want to build a wall that is 300 feet high and 100 feet thick around the state of Texas to keep all those Alabama fans out.” The genie agrees and ‘POOF!’, a wall 100 feet high and 100 feet thick pops up around the entire state of Texas.
The genie then turns to the Alabama fan and asks, “So what is your wish?” The Alabama fan points toward the giant wall and says, “Fill’er up.”
A Longhorns fan walks into a doctor’s office and removes his hat to reveal a frog sitting on his head. The doctor asks, “How can I help you?” The frog replies, “I was wondering if you could help me get this wart off my butt.”
Q: Why do University of Texas fans keep their diplomas on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.
It was reported that Texas head football coach Mack Brown will only be dressing twenty players for the national championship game. The rest of the players will have to get dressed by themselves.
Q: What do you get when you breed a groundhog and the Texas Longhorns?
A: Six more weeks of bad football.
Q: How many University of Texas freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That’s a sophomore course.
Q: What do Texas and pot have in common?
A: They both get smoked in bowls!
ROLL TIDE ROLL!