Today’s funnies start off with this one from Cookie:
A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, “You Can Be the Man of Your House.”
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want!”
“Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”
The wife replied, “The funeral director would be my first guess.”
This one is from my mother:
Out of Town
The husband was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife, “What’s for supper?”
“WHAT?!? You sit in the air conditioning all day while I’m out here working?!? I can’t believe you have the nerve to ask me about supper right now! Tell you what — imagine I’m out of town. Go inside and figure out dinner for yourself.”
The husband went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak with potatoes, garlic bread and a tall glass of iced tea. The wife finally finished the lawn and walked in about the time he was finishing up.
“You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?”
“Huh? I thought you were out of town.”
His viewing is Monday from 2-4 and 7-9. His funeral is Tuesday.
And so is this one:
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level. The Brunette team down below really whooped it up,
having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn’t heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The brunette asked, ‘What the heck’s going on up here? We’re having a great time downstairs!’
One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered, ‘YEAH, BUT YOU’VE GOT A DRIVER!!’