This morning’s edition starts off with a couple of funnies from my mother:
Three Women in Mexico
Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.” They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. “I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.” They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one (you know it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Georgia and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, y’all ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.
Top Ten Indicators That Your Employer Has Changed to Obama’s Health Care Plan:
(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
(9) Directions to your doctor’s office include “Take a left when you enter the trailer park.”
(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
(7) The only proctologist in the plan is “Gus” from Roto-Rooter.
(6) The only item l isted under Preventative Care Coverage is “an apple a day.”
(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
(4) “The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges,” is not a typographical error.
(3) The only expense covered 100% is “Embalming.”
(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M’s on them.
(1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape.
And these I just couldn’t resist …
You’re probably an Auburn fan if …
… You can play the Auburn fight song using your armpit.
… Your wife’s idea of cleaning house is throwing everything out into the yard.
… The Roto-Rooter man stops by your trailer and asks, “What’s that smell?”
… You’re a member of the Skoal Frequent Purchaser Program.
… You looked up your family tree and your uncle spit on you.
… You joined Alcoholics Anonymous so you can drink and use a different name.
… You looked out for #1 and stepped in #2 !!!
… You won’t buy a Japanese car because you’re afraid you won’t understand what they say on the radio.
… Your kids go to a private school and they won’t tell you where it is.
… Your Granny beats you in the tobacky spittin’ contests.
A Bama alum, a Tennessee alum and an Auburn alum have been captured by Iraqi forces and are about to be executed by firing squad. First, the Bama alum is blindfolded and placed in front of the firing squad. The Iraqi officer said, “Ready, aim …” The Bama alum yells “Sandstorm!” and all the Iraqis hit the dirt and the Bama alum runs away. The Tennessee guy was placed in front of the firing squad. The officer said “Ready, aim …”; The Tennessean shouted “Tornado!”. All the Iraqis again hit the dirt while the Volunteer escaped. The Auburn guy thought this was great. When he was blindfolded, again the officer shouted “Ready, aim….” The Aubie shouted “FIRE!”