Happy Humpday everybody! Let’s get started with these from my pal Don:
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. ‘Where’s Henry?’ the others asked.
‘Henry had a stroke of some kind. He’s a couple of miles back up the trail,’ the successful hunter replied.
‘You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?’ they inquired.
‘A tough call,’ nodded the hunter. ‘But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!’
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, “Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head”. “Yep”, he replied. “That’s why I’m dumpin it here, cause it says ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage’.
Louisiana (that’s the way Oregon used to be.)
A senior at LSU was overheard saying… ‘When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana .’
When asked why, he replied he’d rather be in Louisiana because everything happens 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, ‘Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!’
Bubba replied, ‘Did you see who it was?’
The young man answered, ‘I couldn’t tell, but I got his license plate number.’
A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The trooper asked, ‘Got any I. D. ?’
The driver replied, ‘Bout whut?’
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.
Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, ‘I have a flat tire.’
The passerby asked, ‘But what’s with the flowers?’
The man responded, ‘When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don’t make no sense to me neither.’
‘You can say what you want about the South, but I ain’t never heard of anyone wanting to retire to the North.’
Gotta love the South! :)
This one is from my mother:
As You Slide Down the Banister of Life Remember:
1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It’s called ‘Ministers Do More Than Lay People.’
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss: The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning: One brilliant flash and it’s gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen — just vending machines and a large trash can.
10. A blonde said, ‘I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.’
11. Definition of a teenager? God’s punishment for enjoying sex.
12. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
This one is also from Don:
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
‘I’m on the 7th hole,’ she replied, ‘and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole.’
He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.
‘I’m on number 14, and you’re still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole.’
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, ‘Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you’re in the sales profession. I’m in sales also. What do you sell?’
‘I’ll tell you, but you’re going to laugh,’ she replied.
‘No, I won’t.’
‘Well, if you must know,’ she answered, I work for Tampax.’
With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar stool.
‘See,’ she said. ‘I knew you’d laugh!’
‘That’s not what I’m laughing at,’ he replied, ‘I’m a salesman for Preparation-H, so I’m still a hole behind you!’
And these are from Furry Talk:
Two cows are in a field.
First Cow: “Do you worry about getting Mad Cow Disease?”
Second Cow: “Nah, I’m a penguin.”
A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat. The police stops him and says that he can’t drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off.
The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again. He is stopped by the same police officer who says, “Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo.”
The man replies “I did. Today I’m taking them to the movies.”
Q: What do you call a woodpecker with no beak?
A: A headbanger!
A man went to sell his dog. A buyer asked him, “Is this dog faithful?”
The man replied, “Yes, I have sold him 3 times but he still returns to me.”