I have quite a few funnies for this week! :)
This first one is from Deb:
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde) picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, ‘How should I know, that’s 200 miles from here!’ and hung up.
The husband said, ‘Who was that?’ The wife said, ‘I don’t know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.’
This one is from Darron:
“The other night I was invited out for a night with the “girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!” Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when totally smashed … 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 Cuckoos – MIDNIGHT!
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in … I told him “MIDNIGHT”…. He didn’t seem pissed off in the least. Whew … I got away with that one! Then he said “We need a new cuckoo clock.”
When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, “oh shit.” Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.”
This one is from Don:
Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:
It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old!
The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.
The president of the society pointed to first drawing and said: “This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them.”
“Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn’t grow, they seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.”
The audience applauded enthusiastically.
Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, “Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left. It says: Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Chick.”
And last but not least, this is something Uncle Monster sent me. I am a huge fan of Billy Mays and will miss watching his antics on Pitchmen. My sincerest and deepest sympathies go out to his loved ones. He had a wonderful wit and always seemed to be having a good time. Here’s a cute video of him going through a McDonald’s drive-through being … himself. :)