Before I get started, I’d like to thank everyone for the warm birthday wishes. Y’all really make my day. :king_tb: :wub_tb:
This first funny is courtesy of Don:
How did you break your arm?
Even if you aren’t a skier, you’ll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written by a New Orleans paper:
A friend just got back from a holiday skiing trip to Utah With The kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody’s heart.
Conditions were perfect…12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over…the “Tell me when we’re having fun” kind of day.
One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a rest room. He told her not to worry, that he was Sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a Powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the Pain did not go away. If you’ve ever had nature hit its panic button, you then you know that a temperature of 12 below doesn’t help matters.
With time running out, the woman weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods and no one would even notice. He assured her, “The white will provide more than adequate camouflage.”
So she headed for the tree line, began lowering her ski pants and proceeded to do her thing. If you’ve ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set your skis so you don’t move.
Yup, you got it!!! She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are not forgiving… even during the most embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control, Racing through the trees…somehow missing all of them and onto another slope.
Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while. She continued backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers. The woman skied back under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon.
The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie show, then summoned the ski patrol. They transported her to a hospital.
While in the emergency room, a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers. “So, how’d you break your leg?” she asked, making small talk. “It was the stupidest thing you ever saw,” he said. “I was riding up this ski lift and suddenly, I couldn’t believe my eyes! There was this crazy woman skiing backward, out-of-control, down the mountain, with her bare bottom hanging out of her pants. I leaned over to get a better look and fell out of the lift….
So, how’d you break your arm?”
And these are courtesy of my Cotillion sister, Janette:
The Talking Dog
A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scount. “This dog can speak English,” he claims to the unimpressed agent. “Okay, Sport,” the guys says to the dog, “whatâ€™s on the top of a house?”
“Roof!” the dog replies.
“Oh, come on…” the talent agent responds. “All dogs go â€˜roofâ€™.”
“No, wait,” the guy says. He asks the dog “what does sandpaper feel like?”
“Rough!” the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience.
“No, hang on,” the guy says. “This one will amaze you. ” He turns and asks the dog: “Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?”
“Ruth!” goes the dog. And the talent scount, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street.
And the dog turns to the guy and says “Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?”
A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However he was not prepared to pay the high prices, and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting. “I don’t give two hoots for your shoes man, I’ll go and kill my own gator!” to which the shopkeeper replied,
“By all means, just watch out for those two good ole boys who are doing the same!”
So the man went out into the Bayou, and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. ‘They must be the good ole boys,’ he thought. Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The guy stood completely passive, even as the gator came ever closer.
Just as the beast was about to swallow the him, he struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several gators were already laying. Together the two guys threw the gator onto its back, whereupon one exclaimed “Darn! This one don’t have no shoes neither!”
A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date. “Mommy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?”
“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother warns. It is not polite.”
“OK,” the little girl says, “How much do you weigh?”
“Now really,” the mother says, “these are personal questions and are really none of your business.”
Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and daddy get a divorce?”
“Those are enough questions, honestly!” The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
“My Mom wouldn’t tell me anything,” the little girl says to her friend.
“Well,” said the friend, “all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it.”
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are, you are 32.”
The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?”
“I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.” The mother is past surprise and shock now.
“How in heavens name did you find that out?”
And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.”
“Oh really?” the mother asks. “Why?”
“Because you got an F in sex.”
A 2nd grader asked her mother the age-old question, “How did I get here?”
Her mother told her, “God sent you.”
“Did God send you, too?” asked the child.
“Yes, Dear,” the mother replied.
“What about Grandma and Grandpa?” the child persisted.
“He sent them also” the mother said.
“Did he send their parents, too?” asked the child.
“Yes, Dear, He did,” said the mother patiently.
“So you’re telling me that there has been NO sex in this family for 200 years? No wonder everyone’s so damn grumpy around here.”
A lonely woman, age 70, decided it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70’S)
MUST NOT BEAT ME
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON
On the second day she heard the door bell ring. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said “You’re not really asking me to consider you? You have no legs.”
The Old Man smiled, “Therefore I cannot run around on you.”
She snorted, “You don’t have any arms either.”
Again he smiled, “Nor can I beat you.”
She raised her eyebrow and gazed intently, “Are you still good in bed?”
With that the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, ” I rang the doorbell didn’t I?”
And this one is from my Cotillion sister, Kathleen:
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down and sweated for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
And last but not least, this is from my pal Sarah:
(MMORTS = Massively Multiplayer Online Real Time Strategy)
It’s written like a chat log between a handful of gamers, except it pretty well sums up World War II. There’s a bit of language, but funny as hell if you like gaming/history humor. :)