I have a handful today! :)
This one is from Jerri:
By the time the soldier pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. “You’ve got to have a room somewhere”, he pleaded with a proprietor.
“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, but he is an Air Force guy” admitted the manager, and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you..
” No problem.” the tired Army guy assured him, “I’ll take it.”
The next morning the soldier came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed.
“How’d you sleep?” asked the manager.
“Never better”, said the soldier.
The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring all night long?”
“No, I shut him up in no time”, explained the soldier.
“How’d you manage that?” asked the proprietor..
“Well, he was already in bed, snoring away, when I walked into the room, so I gave him a kiss on the cheek” explained the soldier. “Then, I whispered in his ear ‘Good night beautiful’, and he sat up all night watching me.”
This one is from my Neopets guildmate, Rose:
A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, he motioned for her to come nearer.
She sat by him.
He whispered, eyes full of tears, ‘You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side . . .
You know what?’
‘What dear?’ She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
‘I think you’re bad luck, f*ck off!’
Here’s another one from Jerri:
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door — pet nose height.
Dear Dogs and Cats:
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years — canine or feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don’t.
2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That’s why they call it ‘fur’niture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, they are an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.
Remember: Pets are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don’t ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don’t hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don’t smoke or drink
8. Don’t have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don’t want to wear your clothes
10. Don’t need a gazillion dollars for college.
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children!!
This one is from my mother:
I really needed a few days off from work, but I knew the boss wouldn’t give me time off. I thought that maybe if I acted “crazy,” then he would tell me to take a few days off. So, I hung upside-down from the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so the boss might think I was desperately in need of a few days off.
A few minutes later, the boss came into the office and asked, “What in the world are you doing?”
I told him I was a light bulb. He said, “You are clearly stressed out. Go home and rest for a couple of days.” I jumped down and walked out of the office.
However, when my co-worker started to follow me, our boss called out, “And where do you think you’re going?”
She said, “I’m going home too. I can’t work in the dark.”
And last but not least, a little ‘Bama humor ;)
Two Auburn students were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.
One says to the other, ‘Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?’
The second one replies, ‘Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!’
The first one says, with wide eyes, ‘Wow, they aren’t very expensive. At this price, I’m buying one.’
The second one smiles and pats him on the back. ‘Good idea! Order one and if she’s as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.’
Three weeks later, the youngest redneck asks his friend, ‘Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?’
The second redneck replies, ‘No, but it shouldn’t be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!’