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If you want to walk the heavenly streets of gold, you gotta know the password, "Roll, Tide, Roll!"
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May 16, 2012 by Nicki
Today’s funnies start off with this one courtesy of Jeff on Facebook:
One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner, Mother Potato and her three daughters. Midway through the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up. “Mother Potato?” she said, “I have an announcement to make.”
“And what might that be?” said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter’s eyes.
“Well,” replied the daughter with a proud but sheepish grin, “I’m getting married!”
The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, “Married! That’s wonderful! And who are you marrying, Eldest daughter?”
“I’m marrying a Russet!”
“A Russet!” replied Mother Potato with pride. “Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!”
As the family shared in the eldest daughter’s joy, the middle daughter spoke up. “Mother? I, too, have an announcement.”
“And what might that be?” encouraged Mother Potato.
Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, “I, too, am getting married!”
“You, too!” Mother Potato said with joy. “That’s wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?”
“I’m marrying an Idaho!” beamed the middle daughter.
“An Idaho!” said Mother Potato with joy. “Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!”
Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plans for the future when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. “Mother? Mother Potato? Um, I, too, have an announcement to make.”
“Yes?” said Mother Potato with great anticipation.
“Well,” began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her, “I hope this doesn’t come as a shock to you, but I am getting married as well!”
“Really?” said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. “All of my lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying, Youngest Daughter?”
“I’m marrying Dan Rather!”
“DAN RATHER?!” Mother Potato scowled suddenly. “But he’s just a common tater!”
This one is courtesy of The Daily What:
This next one is courtesy of Lisa:
New Direct TV Commercial
“When your cable goes out, you can’t study game film.
When you can’t study game film, you lose to Alabama.
When you lose to Alabama, you get depressed.
When you get depressed, you buy a Harley.
When you buy a Harley, you meet hot, young ex-volleyball players.
When you meet hot, young ex-volleyball players, you go on joy rides.
When you go on joy rides, you end up in a roadside ditch.
Don’t end up in a roadside ditch.”
Football season starts tomorrow. This is absolutely one of my favorite times of year. I’m ready. Are YOU ready, Bama fans?
This just in …
FORECAST ****SEVERE STORM WARNING**** THE CRIMSON TIDE IS ESTIMATED TO HIT LAND IN (3) DAYS … PICKING UP WIND DAILY, EXPECTED TO BE A CATEGORY 5 CATASTROPHE THAT WILL CAUSE MAJOR DAMAGE, EXPECTED TO HIT IN THE SOUTHERN PART OF THE U.S. ON SATURDAY AROUND NOON AND LAST FOURTEEN WEEKS … SEC TAKE COVER … THE TIDE IS ROLLING IN!
ROLL TIDE ROLL!
Today’s funnies start off with this one from Don:
The Blind Bunny
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell right on his twitchy little nose.
“Oh please excuse me,” said the bunny. “I didn’t mean to trip over you, but I’m blind and can’t see.”
“That’s perfectly all right,” replied the snake. “To be sure, it was my fault. I didn’t mean to trip you, but I’m blind too, and I didn’t see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?”
“Well, I really don’t know,” said the bunny. “I’m blind, and I’ve never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.”
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, “Well, you’re soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!
The bunny said, “I can’t thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?”
The snake replied that he didn’t know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, “Well, what kind of an animal am I?”
The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, “You’re cold, you’re slippery, and you haven’t got any balls…. You must be a politician.”
And this one is courtesy of my mother:
The year is 2016 and the United States has just elected the first woman as well as the first Bama president, Susan Downsouth. A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says, ‘So, Dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?’
‘I don’t think so. It’s a 16 hour drive, your mother isn’t as young as she used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.’
‘Don’t worry about it Dad, I’ll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.’
‘I don’t know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?’
Oh Dad, replies Susan, ‘I’ll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in Washington.’
‘Honey,’ Dad complains, ‘you know I can’t eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.’
The President-to-be responds, ‘Don’t worry Dad. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in Washington, I’ll ensure your meals are salt free Dad, I really want you to come.’
So Dad reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2017, Susan Downsouth is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new president’s Dad and Mom. Dad noticing the senator sitting next to him leans over and whispers, ‘You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States .’
The Senator whispers back, ‘Yes I do.’
Dad says proudly, ‘Her brother played football at Alabama for Nick Saban.’
February 23, 2011 by Nicki
Last week I was delighted to discover that the iTunes store carries many of the recordings of Lewis Grizzard, so I’m going to share a few of my favorite snippets with y’all today.
Hope y’all are having a great week!
Today’s funnies start off with these gems from Cookie:
A “different” Creation explanation
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God’s great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, “You want chocolate with that?” And Man said, “Yes!” and Woman said, “and as long as you’re at it, add some sprinkles.” And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
So God said, “Try my fresh green salad.” And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, “I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them.” And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof. God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it “Angel Food Cake,” and said, “It is good.” Satan then created chocolate cake and named it “Devil’s Food.”
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald’s and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, “You want fries with that?” And Man replied, “Yes! And super size them!” And Satan said, “It is good.” And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Then Satan created Cuts to the Health Care System.
I’d like to point out that:
In 2011, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address occur on the same day.
I want to take this time to point out:
It is an ironic juxtaposition of events; one involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little intelligence and competence for prognostication, while the other involves a groundhog.
And last but certainly not least is a football-related funny from Jeff, written by Roy Exum for The Chattanoogan:
Of all the post-season bowl games, the one I anticipated the most was Saturday’s Capital One match-up between Alabama and Big Ten co-champ Michigan State, because I figured it would be a great game. Well, it turned out to be a 49-7 rout, which shows how mighty the Crimson Tide can be and how little I know about college football.
The problem is that a lot of Michigan State fans thought the same thing, as you’ll see in a minute. MSU, winning a share of the first Big 10 title in 20 years, had high hopes, but on a cold afternoon when the Big 10 would go 0-5 on New Year’s Day, the 24/7 message board on a Michigan State booster website during the game was hysterical.
Understand, the game was a mockery, grown men playing havoc with mere children. Alabama seemed to score at will, striking on the first five possessions while dominating the Spartans so badly on defense, MSU had only 171 yards in total offense compared to the Crimson Tide’s 543. MSU left the field with minus-47 yards rushing in the most lop-sided Orlando bowl ever.
Michigan State quarterback Kirk Cousins was sacked four times, finally leaving the game in the fourth quarter with “a severe headache.” After drumming up a 28-0 halftime lead, Alabama played mostly subs the second half – you get the picture, right?
Michigan State coach Mark Dantonio, who had whined before the game that his team wasn’t getting enough respect, said afterwards, “We were outcoached, we were outplayed, and we were out-physicaled and that’s just the way it is. Sometimes, you get an avalanche come on you and that’s just what happened.”
But the Spartans’ fans said it better. Allow me to share the MSU message board during the game:
“Julio takin’ us to schoolio.” (just after Alabama wide receiver Julio Jones ran 35 yards for a touchdown on a reverse.)
“Why are they allowing Alabama to play with 35 players on defense?”
“I think their punter is currently drinking around the world in Epcot.” (Alabama didn’t punt until midway through the third quarter).
“If we played 10 times, they would win 15.”
“If Cam Newton costs $200,000 for a season, how much is a 2nd half rental?”
“…and now Cousins is dead.” (referring to MSU’s starting QB after the fourth sack)
“If I was our QB I would hire an attorney and sue them for negligence or intentional infliction of physical and emotional distress.”
“I’m ready to accept MSU boosters paying for an offensive line. If we get caught I can deal with it.”
“This is getting out of hand…an Alabama defensive lineman just popped out of my TV and threw me 10 yards behind my couch.”
“Do you think this is how Custer felt?”
“We’re going to have a wing named after us at Orlando Regional Medical Center by the time this game finishes.”
“This is embarrassing. So are we officially a basketball school again?”
“I want to know how many times in the history of organized football that teams have punted on 4th and goal”
“So this is what they mean by team speed.”
“If I’m (Andrew) Maxwell, I fake an injury on the way to the huddle.” (referring to the MSU freshman backup QB, who was knocked out of the game three plays later).
It’s just like Mark Twain once said, “Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.”
Excellent article, Roy!
I have a bounty of funnies today — all football related.
These are all courtesy of my co-workers:
An Auburn math professor comes in all ticked off and says, “You guys did very poorly on my test yesterday. I will not be surprised if half of you fail my class!”
A student raises his hand and the professor says “What?”
The student says, “But Professor, I’m the only one in the class.”
A man takes his wife, (who used to be an Auburn Cheerleader) hunting, and impresses on her again and again that “If you shoot a deer, don’t let someone else claim that they shot it also and that since they killed it… it’s their deer!”
He’s in his stand for hardly 10 minutes when he hears his wife shooting nearby. He rushes over to her stand to find her pointing her gun at a man who is loudly disclaiming, “It’s your deer lady. It’s your deer. Just lemme get my saddle off it!!!!”
A guy named Joe receives a free ticket to the Iron Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Joe arrives at the stadium, he realizes his seat is in the last row in the upper deck. He is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Joe sees through his binoculars an empty seat 10 rows from the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and make his way through the stadium to the empty seat. As he sits down, Joe asks the gentleman sitting next to him, “Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?” The man says “No”.
Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Joe again inquires of the man next to him, “This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Auburn-Alabama game and not use it?!” The man replies, “Well actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Iron Bowl we haven’t been together at since we got married in 1960.”
“Well, that’s really sad,” Joe said, “but still, you couldn’t find anyone to take the seat? A friend or close relative?”
“No,” the man relied, They’re all at the funeral!”
An Auburn city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old farmer living outside Tuscaloosa. The farmer’s prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The farmer only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace. The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the farmer and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the farmer agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the farmer had signed the release and took the check, the Auburn lawyer couldn’t resist gloating a little over his success, telling the farmer, “You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn’t have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn’t have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!”
The old farmer replied, “Well, I’ll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning.”
What do two quarters at the bottom of a toilet and an Auburn cheerleader have in common?
Everyone sees them but no one picks them up.
What do you call an Auburn football player with a National Championship ring?
What’s the difference between an Auburn fan and a litter of puppies?
After 6 weeks, the puppies stop whining.
A young boy and his mother were in the cemetery visiting the grave of a loved one. They came upon a headstone that read, “Here lies a Auburn graduate and an honest man.” The boy then asked his mother, “Mommy, why did they bury two men in there?”
An Auburn football player was bragging to a group of co-eds that he finished a jigsaw puzzle in only 3 months. One girl said, “Three months? You’re proud of that?” The Aubie said, “Yep. On the box it said 4-6 years!”
A man walks into a store says to the clerk, “I’d like a pair of blue shoes, a orange shirt, a pair of white pants.”
The clerk looks at him and shakes his head saying, “You must be an Auburn fan!”
The man proclaims with pride, “How could you tell, was it the color scheme?”
The clerk looks at him and says “No, this is a hardware store.”
A football fan walks into a small shop in Birmingham. He spots a bottle labeled “Alabama Football Player Brains”, $5 an ounce. He asks the clerk if there are any other bottles.
The clerk replies, “Well, we’ve got Tennessee brains for $10 an ounce, and Auburn football brains for $1,000,000 an ounce.”
The man says, “Why the big difference in price?”
The clerk answers,”Do you know how many Auburn football players we have to kill to get an ounce of brains!”
Two boys are playing football in a vacant lot when one of the boys is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the first little boy rips a board off a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog’s collar, and twists, breaking the dog’s neck and killing him instantly.
A reporter, who happens to be strolling nearby, sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. “That was the most incredible act of bravery I’ve ever seen!” the reporter exclaims. He whips out his notebook and furiously scribbles the headline: “Young Bama Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal!”
The little hero sees this and says, “But sir, I’m not a Bama Fan, I’m an Auburn Fan!”
The reporter looks warily at the boy for a moment, then flips the page and begins a new headline: “Little Redneck Kills Beloved Family Pet”
What do they put on the bottoms of Coke bottles at Auburn?
Please open other end.
Why is ice is no longer available in the drinks at the cafeterias at Auburn?
The senior who knew the recipe graduated.
I hope everyone has a lovely Thanksgiving! Can’t wait until Friday to see the big game!
ROLL TIDE ROLL!
This week’s funnies start off with this one from Jerri Lynn:
Georgia football practice was delayed nearly 2 hrs this morning after a player found an unknown white powdery substance on the field. Coach Richt immediately suspended practice. Forensic experts determined that the white substance, unknown to the players, was the goal line. Practice resumed this afternoon after agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again!!!
And this one from Jeff:
Q: What’s the difference between a bath tub and an Auburn football player?
A: Eventually the bath tub gets a ring.
ROLL TIDE ROLL!
Today’s funnies start off with this one that I’ve seen all over Facebook and the Tide Fans forums:
This one is from Mike:
And this one from Darron:
Poor little guy, I don’t blame him one bit!
September 2, 2010 by Nicki
Due to an unforeseen event, my weekly funnies were delayed until today. My apologies.
In honor of the first college game playing tonight, I thought I’d post some football-related funnies to kick off the season right!
These are courtesy of Jeff:
This will be the new annual event in Tuscaloosa … Running of the Pachyderms
The new Alabama uniforms were recently revealed on the Nike website and covered in the news. Not to be out-done, Auburn tried vainly and in typical comical fashion to incorporate into their uniforms too.
These are courtesy of Vera:
Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?
So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday and wear it to pick up trash on Monday.
How can you spot a Tennessee fan at a wedding?
Just look for the guy in the orange T-shirt.
What does the average Tennessee player get on his SAT’s?
Why do Tennessee football players put their diplomas on the dashboard?
So they can park in a handicapped spot.
How does an Tennessee graduate spell ‘VICTORY’?
(It’s a trick question, we all know they can’t read!)
And I’m including this one again just because it still makes me giggle every time I watch.
ROLL TIDE ROLL!
One week from tomorrow is Alabama’s first game of the 2010 football season and I can’t wait! Are you excited?
Here’s a few goodies to ‘tide’ us over until next weekend, starting with this funny which has made its way to me via email, Facebook, and Twitter!
And as always, Bama Foundation provides us with a great hype video for the new year:
And let’s not forget these gems courtesy of the U of A Athletic Department!
And to any Bama fan who’s never been, I highly recommend visiting the Paul W. Bryant Museum.
And who can forget, our favorite taunt?
ROLL TIDE ROLL!