Humpday Hilarities

Sorry this is late, work has been hella-busy. Hoping to post updates this afternoon or tonight. Hope y’all are having a good week!

Courtesy of I Has a Hotdog:

Humpday Hilarities

This is a little later in the day than I had wanted to post, but I promise I have some cool stuff to share with y’all!

This gem I *may* have shared before, but couldn’t find it in my post history … so apologies if this is a repeat. A friend of mine sent me this and it had me in a fit of giggles.

Aionfox updated to version 1.2

I’ve uploaded the latest version of Aionfox to the Mozilla Firefox Addons site. Like the previous versions, it has not been approved by the Mozilla editors yet, but it can be downloaded by checking the “Let me install this experimental add-on.” box and installing directly from there.

This version is the “working” version for Firefox 3.6. Unfortunately, in updating for Firefox 3.6, localization was broken and has been removed. No other changes have been made YET — but I plan on uploading another update within the next week or so with updated content and will try to fix localization ASAP. So, for now, all of the NCsoft links point to the NA server. (I hope to have this corrected soon!)

This version of Aionfox was tested in Windows XP, Vista, and 7. If anyone has any questions or problems, please PLEASE let me know.

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start off with this one from one of my co-workers:

Tech Support: “I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.”
Customer: “Ok.”
Tech Support: “Did you get a pop-up menu?”
Customer: “No.”
Tech Support: “Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?”
Customer: “No.”
Tech Support: “Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?”
Customer: “Sure, you told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote click’.”

And these gems are courtesy of Not Always Right:

Customer: “My cable box is broken.”
Tech Support: “What seems to be the issue?”
Customer: “Roughly every 1 minute the channel goes up. I tried turning it off and on, I tried unplugging it, I made sure no one was sitting on the remote, nothing works, you guys gave me a broken box!”
Tech Support: “What does it currently show on the front of the box sir?”
Customer: “Channel 932.”
Tech Support: “And what time is it sir?”
Customer: “9:32. Oh.” *hangs up*

A middle aged man and his wife go into a department store to purchase a TV.

Salesman: “So it’s between the 32 and the 36 inch TV, right?”
Husband: “Yes, but I don’t understand the difference between them.”
Salesman: “Well, they have the same specs all the way down the line. One is just bigger.”
Husband: “Who in the hell would pay almost $350 more for four more inches?”
Wife: “I would!”

A man calls the local cable company.

Customer Service: “Thank you for calling [cable company]. How may I help you?”
Caller: “We just moved my grandmother’s TV and I think the cable has been disconnected at the outlet where we moved it. Could you send someone to reconnect it?”

Suddenly, the grandmother grabs the phone.

Caller’s grandmother: *yelling* “That is not what happened! The cable has been hooked to that outlet since the 70’s! You people just need to flip the little switch and turn it back on!”

The grandson gets back on the phone.

Caller: “I am so sorry. Please ignore her. I just need to set up an appointment for the technician to come out.”
Customer Service: “No problem. My grandmother can be like that too. I can have someone out on Tuesday.”
Caller’s grandmother: *yelling in the background* “You are not listening! All they have to do is flip the switch! Don’t let them lie to you!”
Caller: “Grams, when you moved the TV back in the ’80’s you had the cable disconnected from this outlet and reconnected at the other end.”
Caller’s grandmother: “Now you’re lying! I’m going to make sure that I’m not here when they come out. This is ridiculous! Tell them not to come!”
Customer Service: “Tell her that our switch is broken here and we have to manually come out and flip it in her home. We’ll be there Tuesday.”

The grandson relays this information.

Caller’s grandmother: “Oh, okay then. I’ll see them Tuesday.”

Humpday’s Lagniappe

Posted by Chrispian on Facebook, I couldn’t resist sharing this:

If you’re a programmer, you’ll get this right off. If you’re sane, it’ll take a minute.

Wife asks her husband, a programmer, to go shopping:

Her: Dear, please, go to the grocery store to buy some bread. Also, if they have eggs, buy 6.
Him: Okay, hun.

20 minutes later he comes back with 6 loaves of bread. His wife is flabbergasted!

Her: Dear, why on earth did you buy 6 loaves of bread?
Him: They had eggs.

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start off with these from my mother:

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can’t look that old. Well … you’ll love this one.

My name is Alice, and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.

‘Yes. Yes, I did. I’m a mustang,’ he gleamed with pride.

‘When did you graduate?’ I asked.

He answered, ‘In 1975. Why do you ask?’

‘You were in my class!’, I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled faced, fat-assed, gray-haired, decrepit jackass asked, ‘What did you teach?’

The Rabbit and the Blonde

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what’s wrong.

“I feel terrible,” he explains, “I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.”

The blonde says, “Don’t worry.”

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, “What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?”

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says “Hair Spray — Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave.”

Grandparents

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she’d done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, “But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!” I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye….

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, “Did you start at 1?”

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, “Who was THAT?”

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.” The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, “Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?” I mentally polished my halo and I said, “No, how are we alike?” “You’re both old,” he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather’s word processor. She told him she was writing a story. “What’s it about?” he asked. “I don’t know,” she replied. “I can’t read.”

7. I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, “Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!”

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, “It’s no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.”

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, “I’m not sure.” “Look in your underwear, Grandpa,” he advised “Mine says I’m 4 to 6.”

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, “Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.” The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. “That’s interesting.” she said. “How do you make babies?” “It’s simple,” replied the girl. “You just change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and add ‘es’.”

11. Children’s Logic: “Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said a teacher. The small boy wrote: “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.” The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Don’t you know what pregnant means?” she asked. “Sure,” said the young boy confidently. ‘It means carrying a child.”

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties. “They use him to keep crowds back,” said one child. “No,” said another. “He’s just for good luck.” A third child brought the argument to a close.”They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrants.”

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. “Oh,” he said, “she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.”

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good good things, but I don’t get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.

And this one from my Cotillion sister, Kat:

3 Nickels

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? ”

‘No,’ the woman replied. ‘I’m with the IRS.’

Humpday Hilarities

My apologies on this being late … I’ve had a cold kicking my butt for the last week and am just now getting my head back on straight.

This funny is courtesy of Don:

You’ve heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else’s thighs. It was just that quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans. And then the thieves struck again.

My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. But my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I’d have to give up my jeans in favor of long skirts.

Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush.. This was really getting scary – my body was being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to me next?

When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world wake up and smell the coffee! Those ‘plastic’ surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts — stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has something ‘lifted’, look again — was it lifted from you?

THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS!

P.S.

Last year I thought someone had stolen my boobs. I was lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.

P.P.S.

Those same thieves come in my closet and shrink my clothes! How do they do it?