I took a mental health day yesterday. The first one I’ve had in I can’t remember how long. I woke up and texted Ryan to see if they could do without me for a day. As far as I knew I didn’t have anything pressing, and he said go for it. Honestly, I could do with a week off, and I’m sorely tempted to ask if I can do that next week. I’m tired and angry. And it seems like every time I go back in, something else sets me off.
I spent the morning watching tv and trying to decompress. I played a little GW2, and for the most part enjoyed it. I ran into someone being a complete asshat in WvW but I tend to just block and move on when it comes to PVPing in that game. The community is great … as long as you stay out of the WvW and sPVP maps. :P I tried to nap but had a splitting headache so I started watching monster movies and ordered a pizza. I figured it was Fuck it Friday, so why not?
I had considered going out that afternoon when Donna texts me asking if I’d seen a ticket that came in. No, because I removed all work-related apps from my phone since it’s a personal phone now. I find out that we’re getting a new COO … and he starts in 2 days. Great. And no one said anything to me and half his accounts are already setup, so I’ll have to figure out his Domino/Notes stuff when I get in Monday. I’m pretty sure no one thought to ask, and at this point I decide I’m too angry to go out and opted to stay home. Fuck it, I will deal with it Monday. That’s become my mantra lately … “Fuck it, I will deal with it later.”
I told Donna that right there was proof they didn’t need me and she says that anyone can setup the AD stuff but no one knows Notes. Thanks a lot. I took over setting up the AD accounts because they kept getting fucked up. And I’ve made the Notes setup as easy as possible, documenting step by step what should be done where in case anyone needed to pick up while I’m out. I’ve made this known to the entire department several times, and no one bothers to look at it, and claims “Oh, I don’t know how, we still need YOU to do this.” I’m tired of it all. I’m angry, and I’m hurt. I’m tired of reaching out to folks to try to explain, then have my feelings either minimalized or just told (in a round-about way) to get over it. And people wonder why I keep withdrawing?
I don’t think she meant it the way I took it, but I already feel alienated, left out. And shit like this doesn’t help.
So monster movies all night long, basically until I passed out. I woke up this morning and received an email that one of my fanlistings weren’t working. It turns out none of them were. I had upgraded EasyApache on my server about a month ago and performed some badly needed upgrades. I was quite frankly embarrassed at how old the software I was still running was, and decided it would be a good idea to update EVERYTHING to the latest and greatest. Yeah, did not go as planned. Worse, I decided to initiate this about 45 minutes before walking out the door to an appointment. I opened a ticket with KnownHost to let them know that I did a dumb thing and asked about rolling back to the last VPS snapshot. After some back and forth, it turned out that I didn’t really need to do that, I just needed to fix my root htaccess file. It turns out I caused my own problem with just one little line, hah!
Some days I really do question my own intelligence.
OK so this morning I’ve been digging through code and yelling at my monitor, and it seems the Enthusiast script I’ve been using is outdated. Actually, that’s an understatement, it’s a fossil, an antique. It was written for PHP 4.1 or 4.2. Even worse, this was an upgrade from an even earlier version and I’d customized the hell out of it over the years. The official Enthusiast site has been down (looks like they recently had an upgrade of their own that went TU), so I checked the repository on GitHub. It was the latest version I could find … and would not function fully on PHP7 or higher.
It seems there’s a fork with an updated version of 3x that works on PHP 7.3, but I’d have to figure out how to convert my existing Enthusiast installs to it. I copied the new fork’s files on a test subdomain, created the databases needed and installed the script. Yep, NOPE! Everything’s totally different and honestly by this point I’ve been staring at code all morning and am a bit pissed off, coupled with the aggravations from work, I decided to go another route. I’m not proud of this, but it works and for now it gives me time to figure out if I want to keep these fanlistings or not. I created a new subdomain account and added PHP 5.6 to my EasyApache profile. UGH! I really don’t like adding something so old, but my plan is only to allow that one subdomain to run it. I create a new MySQL database and export from my main domain to the new subdomain. I update all config files where needed with the new db infos and BOOM, I’m back in business.
Granted, now I’ve got to clean up all of my customizations and make sure all of them work. I also have to submit a modification request to TFL letting them know that these things have been moved. Of course while I’m in there looking at the code, I’m shocked at how badly these things are written. Granted, these sites were all written 10+ years ago. I guess I can’t be too hard on myself. A small part of me badly wants to re-design these things “properly” … but a larger part of me doesn’t have enough fucks to give. It’s not that I don’t care, but … I don’t have the energy to spend on them. That actually makes me a little sad.
My therapist thinks that’s stress and/or my depression talking … these used to be little fun projects and I loved making websites one after another. And now I don’t find it fun anymore. Actually, it’s really hard for me to enjoy much of anything that I used to. I mean I laugh about it some days, but I have gotten to the point to where nothing I used to love brings joy to me anymore. My job is one thing. I can easily explain that with burnout. But this is more. I’m beginning to think that maybe I need to find another psychiatrist and give that another shot. Because I think I’m getting worse.
Anyways, I hope your weekend is going better than mine. And May the 4th be with you. ♥
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