You know, I used to love Christmas. It was one of my top two favorite holidays … until my marriage fell apart. This year I am not putting up a tree. Or any decorations. Anywhere.
For 12 years, it was something that Jessie and I did together. Every single year. We would both put up the decorations around the house, set out the stockings, and put up the Christmas tree. She would marvel at the lights, and I’d tell her stories about the ornaments — where they came from, how old they were compared to her, and the meaning/back story behind each. It was something we both looked forward to doing together every year.
Had I known last year’s would be our last, I would have done more. Now that she’s moved further away, I don’t see her as much as I’d like, so it’s not the same. I always did it for her, even when I wasn’t feeling “the Christmas spirit.” So this year I’m not doing it at all.
I used to love Christmas music, the decor, the general feeling of warmth and love towards my fellow man …
I no longer feel any of that. I hate the sound of Christmas music, even though it has always been my very favorite to sing, even in public. My soul longs to bellow the songs I learned as a child at the top of my lungs, but my heart longs to tell my soul to go fuck itself. I secretly loathe people who tell me how much they are looking forward to the holiday to spend time with their wife/husband/kids. I want that again so badly. Maybe I’ll have it again some day. But until then I’m just trying to keep on moving forward, trying not to hate everything and everyone.
Last year I tried my best to fake it for everyone else. This year, I really don’t care if people know how miserable I’m feeling. I am simply out of fucks to give.
I guess right now I’ll settle for a Christmas with my folks, my brother, and his family. They are pretty much all I have. If I’m lucky, I’ll get to have Jessie there too. If I’m very lucky, there will be no fights between me and my father. If I’m very VERY lucky, maybe it will feel a little like Christmas used to — but I’m not going to hold my breath.
TLDR: To those who know and love me, I don’t hate you. I just hate that I don’t have what you do — a family for Christmas.