Where do I start? I don’t know how to explain what’s been going on, but I’ve come to a decision. Jim’s made it clear he wants out of this marriage. Honestly it hasn’t been a real marriage in a while. I’ve spent the last 3 years in emotional limbo, dreading the inevitable. Nothing I can do will change his mind. He thinks he’s fine and that he doesn’t need me. So I’m doing exactly what I should’ve done when he first told me that he wanted out … I’m moving on.
I love him, but I can’t continue to be with someone who doesn’t love me back, or in the very least treat me with the respect I deserve. I’ve been working on my budget, trying to map out my expenses and such. We recently had to replace our water heater, and this summer the A/C system will need replacing. Then there’s the things we’ve bought together, like the cars, and furniture … then there’s who will take what when he and Jess move out.
I don’t know exactly when it happened, but I woke up one day and thought to myself, “WTF are you doing?! Get up off your ass and get control of your life back!” So I’m doing exactly that. I’m looking out for me and Jess. I’ve made sure that Jessie knows (and I remind her OFTEN!) that she can call on me for anything at any time, no matter what. Jim has been reasonable with me continuing to see her, so I plan on keeping her room setup so she can stay with me whenever she wants.
But that’s pretty much it. I’m trying to take better care of me — something I’ve known from the beginning that I needed to do. Part of me still can’t believe this has really happened. I’m done mourning. I’m angry. I’m resentful. I’m wishing I hadn’t held back, wishing I had said more, instead of trying to play peacemaker. I played fair, when he didn’t. So I’m done with that, and from now on, I’m taking of myself.
Once I’m able, I will start working out with my trainer again. I have signed up for a couple self defense classes and am looking forward to those. Not that I feel vulnerable or anything, but it’s been a while since I’ve attended one, and one of the ones I’m attending includes one-on-one defense training with firearms.
There’s no date for when Jim moving out. Honestly I don’t think he’s prepared. Supposedly he’s looked at some apartments, but I don’t think he’s worked on a budget to see if they’re in a price range he can afford. I’ve always handled our bills, so he has no idea what anything costs. (not that I think he’s not capable, but he’s not the best at planning things or budgeting)
Work has been keeping me hella busy still. I am thinking of starting taking on side projects again. Having the extra money couldn’t hurt, and honestly, I’ve been out of the industry for so long I feel like not doing any work at all could prevent me from eventually getting back into web design. Hell, maybe I’ll go back to school. Nothing has been decided definitively. I guess this was just the wake-up call I needed to get myself back on track. I’ve been standing still for the last 3 years and never did anything to take care of myself … only taking care of everyone else.
I need to start actively blogging again. More than just my weekly funnies and depressing personal updates. I used to do so many things. I used to be a happier person, a fun person … I need to find her again.