I haven’t written a whole lot of ~personal~ stuff lately … several reasons why, few of which I feel like getting into tonight. So mostly I’ve just been taking out my aggression in UT.
I had plenty to write about when I first sat down to write (type), that was 4 hours ago … and a phone call put me in this mood and I don’t feel arsed to do much except play more UT and listen to angry music.
Yesterday I call my dad to wish him a happy birthday. I mean, fuck, he hasn’t spoken to me in a month, this shit is ridiculous. And it was the most polite, FORCED, conversation we’ve ever had. Honestly, I think we talked more about how I fucked up my finger than anything else … if you call him lecturing me “talking.”
I spoke with my mother earlier today and she asked me to give them a call tonight to set up a date/time for dinner for my brother’s birthday, which is tomorrow. So I called them after I got home from work and Dad starts off immediately on the defensive, saying that he wants the dinner to be “just us” — meaning that Jim was not invited. The chicken pot pie of it is that we went back and forth over this bullshit, he wouldn’t tell me why Jim wasn’t welcome, the only thing I got was that Dad is upset because I made “some decisions” that he doesn’t agree with — but would NOT tell me what they were! I asked, and he side-stepped it every time … from “I don’t want to argue about this” to “If you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you”
:shock: What the fuck?
So I guess I’m not going to my brother’s birthday dinner tomorrow night. It’s the first time in … well, actually, ever. Gee, my birthday is in 2 weeks … I wonder if Jim is invited to it?
It’s been plain to me that he’s upset … but he won’t say about WHAT. I know he’s GOT to be pissed still about Jim getting into it with him, but he won’t own up to that either. And I know he’s upset because I got a new car, and didn’t involve him — or didn’t bend his way and buy Jeremy’s old car from them. Oh, and I’m sure Jim proposing to me didn’t make him any happier … what the fuck!? For over a year I get the “Why aren’t you married” routine, and now … crickets?
I had hoped that the flowers I sent Mom and Dad for their anniversary a few weeks ago would have been a large enough olive branch, but I can see now that I could’ve sent the whole fucking tree and it wouldn’t have mattered.
Something Jeremy said to me recently keeps flittering around my head: no matter which way this goes, it’s going to be ugly.
Understatement of the year.
So yeah, I’m a little emo lately … and a bit anti-social. I’ve had a lot of things swirling around me. I’ve felt like a hairball clogging the shower drain.
You wanna know what pisses me off most? I made the mistake of asking Dad for advice, and what happened? He tried to turn the situation around so he would be in control again. What a fucking surprise.
Just once I just wish he could be supportive me and be happy for ME … with no fucking strings attached, emotional or otherwise.
But it hasn’t happened yet, and quite frankly I’m done trying. I’ve swallowed my pride too many times and given in to what he wanted rather than to go on and live my life for myself and go for what *I* want. I’m done with that, and he will have to deal with it — or in the end he will be the one missing out.
Or at least I’ll keep telling myself that.
I’ve fumed, I’ve cried, I’ve actually gone without breaking anything … hey, miracles do happen. I’ve tried to keep it together in front of Jim. He gets pissed off whenever Dad does or says something to upset me … actually, he always has, but he has never said anything to Dad about it until recently. It’s not fair to him, or Jessie. I love them both so much, but it hurts that my dad is ostracizing me for reasons that I can only guess. If it comes down to him vs Jim and Jessie, that’s no contest … and only a fool would try to force someone to make that kind of choice, because no good can come of it.
I mean, what is his motive? There’s absolutely nothing he can gain out of any of this. Honestly, someone please fucking enlighten my stupid country ass.
… and now I’m rambling …
So anyways, that’s my state right now … emotionally fucked up … and out of chocolate and alcohol … and broke ’til payday.
Ain’t life just a motherfucking worm-infested peach?