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Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies are courtesy of Cookie:

From the Chief of Police:

I get irritated when people come down on our police officers, saying that they don’t care. Well, here is a story that shows not all cops are in that category.

The Pascagoula , MS Police Department reported finding a man’s body last Saturday in the Pascagoula River near the I-10 Bridge. The dead man’s name would not be released until his family had been notified.

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption while visiting “someone” in Pascagoula . He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick, and an Obama T-shirt.

The Police removed the Obama T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

Police do care.

And, this is why guns, idiots, children, alcohol, (or any combination thereof) DON’T MIX …

Humpday Hilarities

Howdy, y’all! Today’s funnies are courtesy of my pal Cookie:

An elderly Irishman is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, “I am on me way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on me body, as well as me smoke’n and stay’n out late.”

The officer then asks, “Really? and who might be give’n ya that lecture at this time of the night?”

The man replies, “That would be me wife.”

Now, I don’t know about y’all, but I would suggest this hunting dog find a new line of work:

Humpday Hilarities

I am 2 days late, my apologies my funnies fans!

This week’s starts off with this adorable clip from Cute Overload:

And this is from my pal Cookie:

The book “Understanding Women” has finally arrived in book stores. I think this is the condensed version … or it may be Vol. 1.

Last but not least, this one tickled my geeky funny bone, courtesy of The Mary Sue:

Can I get a Roll Tide Roll?

Football season starts tomorrow. This is absolutely one of my favorite times of year. I’m ready. Are YOU ready, Bama fans?

This just in …

FORECAST ****SEVERE STORM WARNING**** THE CRIMSON TIDE IS ESTIMATED TO HIT LAND IN (3) DAYS … PICKING UP WIND DAILY, EXPECTED TO BE A CATEGORY 5 CATASTROPHE THAT WILL CAUSE MAJOR DAMAGE, EXPECTED TO HIT IN THE SOUTHERN PART OF THE U.S. ON SATURDAY AROUND NOON AND LAST FOURTEEN WEEKS … SEC TAKE COVER … THE TIDE IS ROLLING IN!

ROLL TIDE ROLL!

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funny is courtesy of my pal Don.

Humpday Hilarities

This week’s edition starts off with this one from my buddy Steve on Facebook:

Some doctor on tv this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I’d started and hadn’t finished. I finished off a bottle of Vodka, a bodle of Baileys, a botle of wum, a pock of Prungles, 1/2 chesecke an a boc a choclez. Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feeel now. Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr piss.

There, I feel better now. Don’t you?

This one is from Cookie:

I was in the restroom at Kmart the other day and someone had stuck this sticker on the hand drier unit.

This one I’ve seen on several of the LOL/animal sites I frequent and is too cute not to share

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start off with this one from Cookie:

Fable of the porcupine

It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold. The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions. After awhile, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth. Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the heat that came from the others. This way they were able to survive.

The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person’s good qualities.

The moral of the story is: Just learn to live with the pricks in your life!

Courtesy of Google+, this is what’s really going on during a power outage:

And last but not least, this is from I Has a Hotdog:

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start off with this one from Cookie:

Brilliant Ad … guess what it’s for!

This one is courtesy of one of my guildies:

West Virginia Farm Kid in Marines

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are too. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. It’s practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.

We go on ‘route marches,’ which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A ‘route march’ is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing.. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges They come in boxes.

We have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once.. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5’6′ and 130 pounds and he’s 6’8′ and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Alice

Here’s another one from Cookie that I had somehow forgotten to post a while back (Sorry!)

Bob Hope on …

ON TURNING 70
‘You still chase women, but only downhill.’

ON TURNING 80
‘That’s the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.’

ON TURNING 90
‘You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.’

ON TURNING 100
‘I don’t feel old. In fact , I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.’

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING
‘I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.’

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR
‘Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it’s called at my home, ‘Passover’.

ON GOLF
‘Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.’

ON PRESIDENTS
‘I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.’

ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER
‘When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham.

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL
‘I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.’

ON HIS FAMILY’S EARLY POVERTY
‘Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.’

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS
‘That’s how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.’

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES
‘I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn’t for the stuff the audience threw at me.’

ON GOING TO HEAVEN
‘I’ve done benefits for ALL religions. I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.’

This last one is a bit geeky, courtesy of The Mary Sue:

It’s no secret that I love MythBusters and that one right there has me in fits!

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s first funny is courtesy of Geeks Are Sexy:

And this one is courtesy of I Can Has Cheezburger:

Yeah, those kinds of toys never lasted more than 30 seconds in my house either …

I hope you all are well. May the 4th be with you!

Humpday Hilarities

This week’s funnies start with this one from my mother. Parts of it I’ve seen (and most likely posted?) before, but some of it was new to me:

Children on …

NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, ‘Mom, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!’

OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, ‘The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.’

KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. ‘Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.’

MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, ‘What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?’

POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, ‘Are you a cop?’

‘Yes,’ I answered and continued writing the report.

‘My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?’

‘Yes, that’s right,’ I told her.

‘Well, then,’ she said as she extended her foot toward me, ‘would you please tie my shoe?’

POLICE #2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. ‘Is that a dog you got back there?’ he asked. ‘It sure is,’ I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, ‘What’d he do?’

ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, ‘The tooth fairy will never believe this!’

DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, ‘Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.’

‘And why not, darling?’

‘You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.’

DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: ‘Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.’

(I want this line used at my funeral!)

SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. ‘I’m just wasting my time,’ she said to her mother. ‘I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk!’

BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

‘Mama, look what I found,’ the boy called out.

‘What have you got there, dear?’

With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, ‘I think it’s Adam’s underwear!’

This cute video is courtesy of I Has a Hotdog:

This one is courtesy of The Daily What:

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