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Humpday Hilarities

I have quite a few funnies for this week!

This first one is from Deb:

First Degree

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde) picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, ‘How should I know, that’s 200 miles from here!’ and hung up.

The husband said, ‘Who was that?’ The wife said, ‘I don’t know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.’

This one is from Darron:

“The other night I was invited out for a night with the “girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!” Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when totally smashed … 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 Cuckoos – MIDNIGHT!

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in … I told him “MIDNIGHT”…. He didn’t seem pissed off in the least. Whew … I got away with that one! Then he said “We need a new cuckoo clock.”

When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, “oh shit.” Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.”

This one is from Don:

DaVinci Code

Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:

It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old!

The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The president of the society pointed to first drawing and said: “This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them.”

“Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn’t grow, they seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.”

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, “Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left. It says: Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Chick.”

And last but not least, this is something Uncle Monster sent me. I am a huge fan of Billy Mays and will miss watching his antics on Pitchmen. My sincerest and deepest sympathies go out to his loved ones. He had a wonderful wit and always seemed to be having a good time. Here’s a cute video of him going through a McDonald’s drive-through being … himself.

My own blizzard

Boy, such a flurry of events have been whirling around me and my kin lately!

An American Visit

Friday I chaperoned Jessie’s class field trip to American Village in Montevallo. Even with the bad weather coming through (tornadoes and rain galore, yuck!), we still had a very good time. And I tell ya, I really wish I had visited American Village when I was Jessie’s age … I think I would have looked at history a whole LOT differently!

I’ve suggested to Jim that we head down there one weekend for one of their events or sometime in the summer when the weather is a little more accommodating!

Despite the bad weather and dampened spirits (my Lord, I’ve never seen so many pouty faces in one place! LOL!), I did manage to snap off a few shots:

The Home Front

We had our first interested party view the house last week. Friday night, to be exact. Our realtor called this weekend to let us know that they liked the layout and wanted to come back and see it again. So this weekend we busted some tail and cleaned and painted the entire bottom level. Jessie hasn’t packed a whole lot because she’s with her mother more these days, so we’ll get around to finishing her room last.

I’m trying not to get TOO excited, but I can’t help but want to get my hopes up!

We still haven’t gotten an answer yet on whether or not we got the loan on the new house. More paperwork was needed and faxed off last week. I’m hoping we hear something this week.

OMG … snow? In the South?!

Yes, it snowed here. We received between 3 and 4 inches here. Some parts of Birmingham received up to 7 inches!!!

Jessie was at her mother’s, so I’m sure she had a good ole time in it. I did manage to get a few shots of the pretty white stuff before the other neighborhood kids ran amok and transformed it all to dirty snowballs and lumpy stick-wielding snowmen. :lol:

Pass the Halls!

Either it’s the irritants in the cleaners, the paint fumes, or being out in the rain all day Friday (or a combination of all three), but I have been sick all weekend and feel generally like death warmed over today. I traipsed in to work to discover that my machine was hosed, so I couldn’t have done much of anything productive even if I wanted to.

Everyone kept telling me I should’ve stayed home because I sounded terrible — I think I’ll take their advice and stay in tomorrow. *ugh*

And last but not least …

One of my themes has recently been featured in a WordPress tutorial over on YouTube:

A big thanks to Kristie for letting me know about it, and to ktinboulder for selecting my theme!

For the love of metal

I was watching FoxNews just now with Jim, and a news snippet came on with Laura Ingle sharing the story of a heavy metal band from Baghdad, called Acrassicauda. The band members lived through missile attacks and death threats in order to try to play their music in their homeland. There’s a documentary, Heavy Metal In Baghdad, which chronicles their struggles and their journey to America as refugees.

The FoxNews snippet was quick but highlighted the band’s journey as well as well as featured my personal childhood heavy metal heroes, Metallica. It seems James Hetfield gave them the guitar off his back after their latest show in New Jersey.

While this is a great story, Acrassicauda is not the only band struggling for the freedom to pursue heavy metal dreams. Remember a while back when I highlighted a story about Brutal Impact, a heavy metal band from Iraq going through similar struggles? These are the two we’ve heard of so far … so how many more are out there?

Here’s a vid of Hetfield presenting the guitar:

OK, Metallica … you’ve done some really assholish things over the past few years, but that was just freakin’ sweet! Just for that, I created a new category for any ‘good’ posts that I write about you — “Ok, maybe they’re not so bad” LOL!

Seriously though, rock on, guys. Rock on!

Wander with me a while

Courtesy of Cookie, this video covers misconceptions that many Americans have about our country, government, and so forth. As the film’s creator says, “Prepare to be educated.”

Ode to Cute

Had a good weekend. Jim, Jess, and I went down to Prattville and saw Jim’s mother. We did a bit of shopping, sight-seeing, and had some really awesome barbecue (I’m talking giving Green Top a run for its money good!!!). It rained all the way down there, and all the way back. I’m so sick of all this rain, it’s giving me headaches out the wazoo.

I woke up this morning with a headache and have been in a bit of a mood. Traffic was unreal this morning, so I was late to work. I stayed up late last night watching the Armageddon/2012 specials on the History channel, so I’m tired and a little cranky. (and when I don’t get enough sleep, I’m more prone to having a headache!)

I did get a little happy moment this morning … this bit of cute was posted to my friend Sangi’s LiveJournal:

Beaker was always one of my favorite Sesame Street characters, and I thought that was just too cute not to share!

Merry Christmas, Happy Solstice and Merry Yule, y’all!

 

And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”

Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests.”

When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let’s go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.”

So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.

– Luke 2:8-20 NIV

Christmas comes early for some …

I received an email today from Soldiers’ Angels notifying me that the infantry where two of my soldiers are has a “mailstop.” This means only one thing …

THEY ARE COMING HOME!!!!

I know their families have got to be so excited!

God bless you, Casey and Steven. Wherever you are and wherever you’re headed, I wish you a safe trip.

Thank You!

Whenever I’m out and about and see a soldier or veteran, I always go up to them and thank them for their service and hand them a small Soldiers’ Angels card. Something Jessie said a while back sticks in the back of my mind every time I meet one … she said, “‘Thank you’ doesn’t seem like enough.”

I know what she means. For such a small phrase and gesture, I hope I’m able to make a big impact on that person, or the people around them. And I hope I come across as truly grateful.

To all troops, veterans, and their families: you have my thanks, gratitude, and support. May God bless you, and those who love and support you!

We’re outta here!

Welp, I’m finishing up wrapping tonight and we’ll pack up the car early tomorrow to head out of town for a bit.

My overnight bag’s packed tighter than a Ju Ju Be, LOL!

Hopefully I’ll have some goodies to share when I get back.

I hope everyone has a safe and very Merry Christmas!

Tide, get ready to ROLL!

H/T: Beth C

ROLL TIDE ROLL!

Mobile links

One of the things I hadn’t thought of looking into backing up on my Helio Ocean was my bookmarks. Sure, I have my custom bookmarks for Opera Mini stored on their server, but the ones to my native Helio browser are gone. I had quite a few that I can’t seem to find at the moment. So, in the meantime, I thought I’d pop a few in a post so I can surf back here and recover them later.

Note: feel free to add your own via the Comments box below!

• 30 Boxes: http://m.30boxes.com/
• ABC News: http://wireless.go.com/wireless/abcnews/index
• CNN: http://m.cnn.com/
• eBay: http://wap2.bonfiremedia.com/
• ESPN: http://mobileapp.espn.go.com/wireless/espn/redesign/index
• Facebook: http://m.facebook.com/
• FedEx: https://www.fedex.com/mobi/
• Fox News: http://foxnews.mobi/
• Foxmarks: http://my.foxmarks.com/mobile/
• Google Mobile Apps: http://www.google.com/m/products?hl=en
• Google Search: (”soft” mobile gateway) http://google.com/gwt/n
• Helio Magazine: http://www.heliomag.com/mobile/
• Heliocity: (mobile downloads & more) https://downloads.heliocity.net/
• HelloTxt: http://m.hellotxt.com/
• Live Search: http://m.live.com/
• MapQuest: http://wap.mapquest.com/
• MSN: http://home.mobile.msn.com/en-us/default.aspx
• MySpace: http://mobile.myspace.com/
• National Weather Service: (set your location) http://cell.weather.gov/ and http://mobile.srh.weather.gov/
• Remember the Milk: http://m.rememberthemilk.com/
• The Washington Post: http://mobile.washingtonpost.com/
• The Weather Channel: (change location for yours!) http://weather.mobi/xhtml/cc/BHM
• USA Today: http://m.usatoday.com/
• Wunderground: (beware of ads!!!!) http://mobile.wunderground.com/
• Yahoo!: http://wap.oa.yahoo.com/
• YouTube: http://m.youtube.com/
• Animal Planet: http://m.animalplanet.com/

Also: you can view the mobile version of any Tumblr blog by adding /mobile to the end of the the URL.

Example: http://nitallica.tumblr.com/mobile

Sources: MyOpera, Heliocity & Heliocity Forums, Great Mobile Sites Directory

Happy Buy A Gun Day!

Today’s my birthday. Even worse, it’s Tax Day. I’ve always hated that. As I tweeted just a little while ago, if one more person says to me, “Oh, you’re a tax baby!” I’m gonna slug ‘em!

Screw the IRS, this is *MY* day!

However, according to Beth, today is also known as Buy A Gun Day. I can dig that! :mrgreen:

“Democrats believe every day is April 15. Republicans believe that every day is July 4.” — Ronald Reagan

There … feelin’ happy. Now how ’bout we celebrate with a little song? :twisted:

Lyrics: (courtesy of Moron Pundit)

I want to keep my money
And give away absolutely nothing
To the government who moderates my spending
and obliterates depending on what time of the year
brutality is near

in the form of income tax
I’d rather take a fucking ax
to my face, blow up this place

with you all in it, I’d do it in a minute

If I could write off your murder
I’d save all of my receipts
because I’d rather you be dead
than lose a tiny shred of what I made this fiscal year

I’d rather you be dead than ponder parting with my second home
I’d rather you be dead than consider not opening a restaurant

I’d rather you be dead
I’d rather you be dead

Prepare the laser-beam
I’m gonna use it tonight

Engage the laser-beam
It’s gonna end your life

I’m gonna use it tonight

If I could write off your murder
I’d save all of my receipts
because I’d rather you be dead
than lose a tiny shred of what I made this fiscal year

I’d rather you be dead than ponder parting with my second home
I’d rather you be dead than consider not opening a restaurant.

Big thanks to Beth for the reminder. I love love *LOVE* Metalocalypse! :cool:

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funny comes courtesy of Cute Overload:

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