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Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start off with these from Cookie:

A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, “Free Sex with Fill-Up.”

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said,”You were close! The number was 7. Sorry.No sex this time.”

A week later, the same redneck, along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, “Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.”

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother, “I think that game is RIGGED, and he doesn’t really give away free sex.”

George replied, “No it ain’t, Billy Ray. It ain’t rigged. My wife Thelma won twice last week!”

Catholic Last Rites

A bus on a busy street struck a Catholic man.

He was lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathered.

“A priest. Somebody get me a priest!” the man gasped.

Long seconds dragged on but no one stepped out of the crowd.

A policeman checked the crowd and finally yelled, “A PRIEST, PLEASE! Isn’t there a priest in this crowd to give this man his last rites?”

Finally, out of the crowd stepped a little old Jewish man in his 80s.

“Mr. Policeman,” said the man, “I’m not a priest. I’m not even a Christian. But for 50 years now, I’m living behind the Catholic Church on Second Avenue, and every night I’m overhearing their services. I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor man.”

The policeman agreed, and cleared the crowd so the man could get through to where the injured man lay.

The old Jewish man knelt down, leaned over the man and said in a solemn voice:

“B-5 … I-19 … N-38 … G-54 … O-72″

President Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and Obama asks him his name.

“Walter,” responds the little boy.

“And what is your question, Walter?”

“I have four questions: First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress? Second, why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it’s actually gotten worse? Third, why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preaching and beliefs? Fourth, why are we lending money to Brazil to drill for oil, but America is not allowed to drill for oil?”

Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Obama says, “OK, where were we? Oh, that’s right: question time. Who has a question?”

Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.

“Steve,” he responds.

“And what is your question, Steve?”

“Actually, I have two questions. First, why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early? Second, what the f*ck happened to Walter?”

This funny is courtesy of I Can Has Cheezburger:

And this one I got from The Mary Sue. It’s not so much funny, more like very cool.

Humpday Hilarities

Sorry y’all, I’m a day late. I’d like to say it was a blackout in protest of SOPA/PIPA, but the truth is I have still been sick and went to see the doctor, got some stronger meds, and spent most of the day in bed. It turns out I have a sinus and ear infection, which is why I couldn’t get over the gunk. But I’m feeling MUCH better today!

I have a couple funnies to share, the first being from I Has a Hotdog:

And this one is apparently a preview for Volkswagen’s upcoming Superbowl ad:

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start off with this one from Facebook via George Takei and many others:

These next couple are courtesy of Cookie:

Poor little guy, I know JUST how he feels! LOL

This funny is courtesy of Geekologie:

And last but not least, another gem from George Takei, this time on the subject of Star Wars vs Star Trek:

A date which will live in infamy

I always think of my grandfather when this anniversary comes around. He enlisted in the United States Air Force shortly after the Pearl Harbor attacks. My mother still wears his wings pinned on her coat. Gramps never talked about his time spent serving our country, but did instill in me a great respect and admiration for our nation’s military. He’s been gone just over 15 years now, but I still think of him often. I pray for those with whom he served and their loved ones, and wonder — how many are left today? According to this article by Reuters, there are about 2,700 Pearl Harbor veterans still among us today.

And that number shrinks dramatically every year.

I never got the chance to thank my grandfather for his service. But if you have someone in your life who is serving or has served, or even just someone you see in passing, thank them for me.

A few recommended reads:

• National Geographic: Remembering Pearl Harbor
• BlackFive: Remember Pearl Harbor Dec 7 1941
• Hooah Wife & Friends: Pearl Harbor: 70 Years
• Michelle Malkin: Remembering Pearl Harbor: 70 years
• The Birmingham News: Pearl Harbor important then and now
• MSNBC/Reuters: Pearl Harbor veteran recalls bewilderment of attack

Humpday Hilarities

This week’s edition is courtesy of Simon’s Cat:

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start off with this one I’ve seen on both I Has a Hotdog and Facebook:

And next is this one from Tumblr:

And last but not least, this awesome bit is courtesy of one of my Aion legionmates:

Humpday Hilarities

Howdy funny fans! Today’s edition starts off with this one from I Has a Hotdog:

This next one comes from Adam on Facebook:

This next one is from Cookie:

Why Many Athletes Can’t Have Regular Jobs:

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: “I wan’ all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan’ all the kids to copulate me.”

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: “I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.”

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the ‘Skin’s say: “I’d run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,” Matt Millen of the Raiders said: “To win, I’d run over Joe’s Mom, too.”

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: “He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings..”

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: “Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: “I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.” (Now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: “You guys line up alphabetically by height..” And, “You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle.”

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: “Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton.”

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: “That’s so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes.”

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota: “He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is.”

11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: “My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt. (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player: “I asked him, ‘Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?’ He said, ‘Coach, I don’t know and I don’t care.’”

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F’s and one D: “Son, looks to me like you’re spending too much time on one subject.”

14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford: “I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious.”

15. Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: “Because she’s too damn ugly to kiss good-bye.”

A big Thank You to everyone who sends me funnies. Keep ‘em coming!

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies are courtesy of Cookie:

From the Chief of Police:

I get irritated when people come down on our police officers, saying that they don’t care. Well, here is a story that shows not all cops are in that category.

The Pascagoula , MS Police Department reported finding a man’s body last Saturday in the Pascagoula River near the I-10 Bridge. The dead man’s name would not be released until his family had been notified.

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption while visiting “someone” in Pascagoula . He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick, and an Obama T-shirt.

The Police removed the Obama T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

Police do care.

And, this is why guns, idiots, children, alcohol, (or any combination thereof) DON’T MIX …

Humpday Hilarities

Howdy, y’all! Today’s funnies are courtesy of my pal Cookie:

An elderly Irishman is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, “I am on me way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on me body, as well as me smoke’n and stay’n out late.”

The officer then asks, “Really? and who might be give’n ya that lecture at this time of the night?”

The man replies, “That would be me wife.”

Now, I don’t know about y’all, but I would suggest this hunting dog find a new line of work:

Humpday Hilarities

I am 2 days late, my apologies my funnies fans!

This week’s starts off with this adorable clip from Cute Overload:

And this is from my pal Cookie:

The book “Understanding Women” has finally arrived in book stores. I think this is the condensed version … or it may be Vol. 1.

Last but not least, this one tickled my geeky funny bone, courtesy of The Mary Sue:

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