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Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funny bit comes courtesy of my pal, Cookie

Thanksgiving Divorce

A man in Jacksonville calls his son in San Diego the day before Thanksgiving and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams. “We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Denver and tell her.”

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!” She calls Jacksonville immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “they’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.”

Humpday Hilarities

This one came from my mother:

The 6 Phases of Work

Phase 1

You are listening to jazz — Your first day at work is great. Your coworkers are wonderful, your cubicle is cute, and your boss is the best!

Phase 2

You are listening to pop music — After a while you are so busy that you are not sure if you’re coming or going anymore.

Phase 3

You are listening to heavy metal — This is what you feel like at month end.

Phase 4

You are listening to hip hop — You become bloated due to stress, feel sluggish and suffer from constipation. Your coworkers are too cheerful for your liking and the walls of your cubicle are closing in. You have started thinking ‘WHATEVER’ about your boss.

Phase 5

You are listening to GANGSTA RAP — After more time passes, your eyes start to twitch, you forget what a ‘good hair day’ feels like as you just fall out of bed and load up on caffeine.

Phase 6

You are listening to the voices in your head — You have build a makeshift door on your cubicle to keep people out, You have a dartboard with your bosses picture on it in your cube, You wonder why you are even here in the first place.

Humpday Hilarities

This week’s edition courtesy of my mother and is a local one

Tailgating Dog

A lady was telling her son the other day that she saw a man driving down I-10 and a dog was hanging on the to the tailgate for dear life. She said if he hadn’t been going so fast in the other direction she would have tried to stop him.

A few weeks later her son saw this truck at the bass pro shop. It’s a taxidermist!

This is in Daphne, Alabama.

I’ve so GOT to find out who that guy is and ask what possessed him to stick his stuffed dog on his truck’s tailgate!

Humpday Hilarities

This funny bit came from my mother:

How To Install A Home Security System In The South

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men’s used size 14 - 16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns and Ammo Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba,

Me, Big Jim, Duke and Slim went for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don’t mess with the pit bulls — they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don’t think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of ‘em in the house. Better wait outside.”

Cooter

Humpday Hilarities

Note: I spazzed and forgot about future posts in WordPress … so yay, funnies posted while I’m gone!

This football funny was sent to me by one of my co-workers:

Weather Advisory From The National Weather Service:

In the event of a tornado warning, the National Weather Service advises all Auburn residents to take immediate shelter in Jordan-Hare Stadium. A touchdown is highly unlikely to occur there.

Thank you for your cooperation.

And this one is from Jerri:

The Good Husband

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks went down easy. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes … the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table with a single rose.

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

‘Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian’

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, ‘What happened last night?’

‘Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.’

Confused, he asked his son, ‘So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table?’

His son replies, ‘Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, I’m married!”

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time … PRICELESS!

And last but certainly not least, this one from Cookie:

Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,

‘The weather out there is terrible.’

My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, ‘Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that??”

I still don’t know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped fishing.

Humpday Hilarities

Note: There will likely be no Humpday Hilarities next week as I’ll be on vacation!

This funny bit is courtesy of my mother:

The Truth

He’d been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked, “Grandma, what’s that thing called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?”

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth. “It’s called ’sexual intercourse’, darling”.

Little Tony just said, “Oh, OK,” and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, “Grandma, it isn’t called ’sexual intercourse.’ It’s called ‘bunk beds’, and Jimmy’s mom wants to talk to you!”

This one came from my mother-in-law:

Lost Churches of Louisiana

One of the local television stations in South Louisiana aired an interview with a woman from New Orleans . The interviewer was a woman from a Boston affiliate. She asked the New Orleans woman how such total and complete devastation of the churches in the area had affected their lives.

Without hesitation, the woman replied, “I don’t know about all those other people, but we haven’t gone to Churches in years. We gits all our chicken from Popeye’s.”

The look on the interviewer’s face was priceless.

Humpday Hilarities

Growing up, I loved watching Abbott and Costello. This funny bit brings back memories.

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, ‘Who’s on First?’ might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT : Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO : Thanks. I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT : Mac?

COSTELLO : No, the name’s Lou .

ABBOTT : Your computer?

COSTELLO : I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT : Mac?

COSTELLO : I told you, my name’s Lou .

ABBOTT : What about Windows?

COSTELLO : Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT : Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO : I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT : Wallpaper.

COSTELLO : Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT : Software for Windows?

COSTELLO : No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT : Office.

COSTELLO : Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT : I just did.

COSTELLO : You just did what?

ABBOTT : Recommend something.

COSTELLO : You recommended something?

ABBOTT : Yes.

COSTELLO : For my office?

ABBOTT : Yes.

COSTELLO : OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT : Office.

COSTELLO : Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT : I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO : I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT : Word.

COSTELLO : What word?

ABBOTT : Word in Office.

COSTELLO : The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT : The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO : Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT : The Word you get when you click the blue ‘W’.

COSTELLO : I’m going to click your blue ‘w’ if you don’t start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT : Money.

COSTELLO : That’s right. What do you have?

ABBOTT : Money.

COSTELLO : I need money to track my money ?

ABBOTT : It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO : What’s bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT : Money.

COSTELLO : Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT : Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO : I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT : One copy.

COSTELLO : Isn’t it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT : Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO : They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT : Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT : Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO : How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT : Click on ‘START’ …

Humpday Hilarities, Part II

This funny bit was just passed on to me via email. How could I resist posting it?

BREAKING NEWS: NICK SABAN ARRESTED

BREAKING NEWS…

AP-Tuscaloosa — Authorities arrested Alabama head coach Nick Saban in the predawn hours Monday at his home in Tuscaloosa on animal cruelty charges. Saban, 56, was charged with 85 counts of animal cruelty in an alleged attack which occurred Saturday night in Athens, Georgia. Police said that as many as 92,138 witnesses saw Saban and a large group of violent young men under his control hit, kick, crush and destroy a large pack of mostly-docile bulldogs. One officer was quoted as saying, “I haven’t seen bulldogs treated this badly since the Michael Vick case.”

Humpday Hilarities

I have a handful today!

This one is from Jerri:

By the time the soldier pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. “You’ve got to have a room somewhere”, he pleaded with a proprietor.

“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, but he is an Air Force guy” admitted the manager, and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you..

” No problem.” the tired Army guy assured him, “I’ll take it.”

The next morning the soldier came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed.

“How’d you sleep?” asked the manager.

“Never better”, said the soldier.

The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring all night long?”

“No, I shut him up in no time”, explained the soldier.

“How’d you manage that?” asked the proprietor..

“Well, he was already in bed, snoring away, when I walked into the room, so I gave him a kiss on the cheek” explained the soldier. “Then, I whispered in his ear ‘Good night beautiful’, and he sat up all night watching me.”

This one is from my Neopets guildmate, Rose:

A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, he motioned for her to come nearer.

She sat by him.

He whispered, eyes full of tears, ‘You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side . . .

You know what?’

‘What dear?’ She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

‘I think you’re bad luck, f*ck off!’

Here’s another one from Jerri:

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door — pet nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats:

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years — canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don’t.
2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That’s why they call it ‘fur’niture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, they are an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.

Remember: Pets are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less
2. Don’t ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don’t hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don’t smoke or drink
8. Don’t have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don’t want to wear your clothes
10. Don’t need a gazillion dollars for college.

AND …

11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children!!

This one is from my mother:

Sick Leave

I really needed a few days off from work, but I knew the boss wouldn’t give me time off. I thought that maybe if I acted “crazy,” then he would tell me to take a few days off. So, I hung upside-down from the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so the boss might think I was desperately in need of a few days off.

A few minutes later, the boss came into the office and asked, “What in the world are you doing?”

I told him I was a light bulb. He said, “You are clearly stressed out. Go home and rest for a couple of days.” I jumped down and walked out of the office.

However, when my co-worker started to follow me, our boss called out, “And where do you think you’re going?”

She said, “I’m going home too. I can’t work in the dark.”

And last but not least, a little ‘Bama humor

Two Auburn students were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.

One says to the other, ‘Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?’

The second one replies, ‘Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!’

The first one says, with wide eyes, ‘Wow, they aren’t very expensive. At this price, I’m buying one.’

The second one smiles and pats him on the back. ‘Good idea! Order one and if she’s as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.’

Three weeks later, the youngest redneck asks his friend, ‘Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?’

The second redneck replies, ‘No, but it shouldn’t be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!’

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funny bit comes courtesy of Squiggle Biscuit (*nyerk!* )

“Whatever you give a woman, she’s going to multiply.
If you give her sperm, she’ll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she’ll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she’ll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she’ll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So — if you give her any crap, you will receive a ton of shit.”

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