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Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start off with this one from Facebook via George Takei and many others:

These next couple are courtesy of Cookie:

Poor little guy, I know JUST how he feels! LOL

This funny is courtesy of Geekologie:

And last but not least, another gem from George Takei, this time on the subject of Star Wars vs Star Trek:

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s first funny is courtesy of Geeks Are Sexy:

And this one is courtesy of I Can Has Cheezburger:

Yeah, those kinds of toys never lasted more than 30 seconds in my house either …

I hope you all are well. May the 4th be with you!

Humpday Hilarities

Forgive me, y’all, I’m a day late. Still playing catch-up at work and riding my new car high, hehehe. So let’s get started!

This week’s funnies start with this from Cookie:

Ya just gotta love British honesty and humor

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour’s dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is… ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

These are courtesy of one of my favorite sites, I Has a Hotdog:

I think I should put that one up in my cube some days!

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start with this one, the latest edition of Simon’s Cat:

This one is courtesy of I Can Has Cheezburger:

This one is courtesy of BlackFive:

These next few are courtesy of dear ol’ Cookie:

HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES:

Dump the male flight attendants, no one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell!! They don’t even serve food anymore, so what’s the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a “party atmosphere” going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women. Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn’t need a salary, thus saving even more money.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right — a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset. Why didn’t Bush or Obama think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

Hey, he’d have MY vote!

HOW TO STOP THE CHURCH GOSSIP

Dorothy, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business. Several members did not approve of her extracurricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Harold, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one after noon.

She emphatically told Harold (and several others) that every one seeing it there WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING!

Harold, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment. He just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Harold quietly parked his pickup in front of Dorothy’s house, walked home, and left it there all night.

(You gotta love Harold!)

This last one is courtesy of Geekologie who posted a cute bit that combines the elements of two movies I love — Star Wars and The Princess Bride:

Humpday Hilarities (late edition, oops!)

Wow, it’s November already … where has the year gone? John and Miranda’s wedding is tomorrow, Jess made All-County choir, and work has been in overdrive since the beginning of time, LOL! Sorry this is so late, I’ve grounded myself as punishment and promise to do better next week!

These are courtesy of some of my Aion gaming friends:

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start off with this one by Cookie:

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife’s voice from the kitchen.

“What would you like for dinner my love? Chicken, beef or lamb?”

I said, “Thank you, I’ll have chicken.”

She replied “You’re having soup, … I was talking to the cat.”

This one is courtesy of Not Always Right:

A customer who has just made a purchase comes back into our store asking for help; she’s locked her keys in her car. I go out to try and help.

Me: “Ma’am, your window is open.”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “Your window. It’s open.”

(The customer reaches in and gets her keys, opens the door, rolls up the window, locks the car, throws the keys back inside, and closes the door.)

Me: “Um…”

Customer: “I know! I know! It’s just that I already called my husband to bring the second set! He’d have given me h*** if he saw the window was open!”

And this one is from my mother. Though I despise the chain mails she sends me and don’t really consider myself a “true Republican”, this made me LOL and I know a few of you might enjoy it as well.

As a rule, I don’t pass along these “add your name” lists that appear in emails, BUT this one is important!!!!!

It has been circulating for months and has been sent to over 25 million people. We don’t want to lose any names on the list so just hit forward, add your name and send it on.

Please keep it going!

To show your support for President Obama please go to the end of the list and add your name….

1. Michelle Obama.
2. Oprah Winfrey

And last but not least — because you can never have enough dancing Storm Troopers!

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s edition starts off with a couple of funnies from my pal Cookie:

Two old ladies, Maude and Mable, are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

“Doesn’t matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.”

The pharmacist fainted.

The balloonist

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

“She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be a Republican.”

“I am,” replied the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.”

The man smiled and responded, “You must be an Obama Democrat.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist. “How did you know?”

“Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You’ve risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it’s my fault.”

This one is from my friend Dave:

Saying Goodbye to Mother

You don’t have to own a cat to appreciate this one! You don’t even have to like ‘em!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the back yard, scoots back into the front door. We didn’t want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn’t want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, ‘He’s just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.’

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. ‘Sorry I took so long,’ I said, as we drove away. ‘That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car.

Moral: Make sure your stories match!!

This one is from Uncle Monster:

And this one is from one of my co-workers:

I never knew the Dark Side could dance like that!

Humpday Hilarities

This one is from one of my co-workers:

What a loving husband

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, “You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150.”

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, “Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?”

The man replied, “Long time ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance!”

And this one was posted to Facebook by Chase:

The Con is on!

Remember last year when we attended OmegaCon? We had a blast, and considering it was the con’s first year, I’d have called it a major success. But I became worried that it had been too successful and had moved on to another town — the website had gone down, the MySpace page had gone quiet and hadn’t been updated in a coon’s age, etc. It seemed to have dropped off the face of the planet … until I re-discovered it today!

I had been sitting in a meeting and had the good fortune to be sitting near a terminal with internet access. (Google to the rescue!) I ran across a reference on a local Star Wars forum to an event called “ImagiCon.” Another quick Google and I had found the website: ImagiCon.org. From the sound of it, it’s the same con, but renamed, with a spiffy website, and by the look of it a lot more to see this year.

YAY!

Ok, so who else is going?

Star Wars through the eyes of a child

Both Beth and Uncle Monster have sent this to me. This is perhaps one of the best (cutest!) explanations of Star Wars Episode IV. Made by www.fistofblog.com, featuring his 3 year old daughter:

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