What are Humpday Hilarities?

I get funny bits, jokes, and all sorts of things emailed to me by friends and relatives. I decided a while back that I would post these once a week on my blog, and so the weekly "Humpday Hilarities" posts were born. As the name suggests, I post these every Wednesday -- or try to. (Hey, sometimes life gets in the way.) I won't promise that they'll all be 100% work-safe, but I usually try to keep it clean.

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Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start off with this one from Facebook via George Takei and many others:

These next couple are courtesy of Cookie:

Poor little guy, I know JUST how he feels! LOL

This funny is courtesy of Geekologie:

And last but not least, another gem from George Takei, this time on the subject of Star Wars vs Star Trek:

Humpday Hilarities

This week’s edition is courtesy of Simon’s Cat:

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies are courtesy of one of my favorite Cheezburger Network sites: Monday Through Friday (work fails & job LOLs).

My install of Office didn’t come with this guy. Wonder if I need to upgrade?

I’m sure they’ll post an updated sign once this mystery is solved:

A little Star Trek and Microsoft humor … how many times has this happened to you?

Ah, I love honesty in a business!

And last but not least, if the internet was a gun:

I think that pretty well sums it up!

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start off with this one I’ve seen on both I Has a Hotdog and Facebook:

And next is this one from Tumblr:

And last but not least, this awesome bit is courtesy of one of my Aion legionmates:

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start off with this one from Don:

Here’s another way to look at the Debt Ceiling:

Let’s say, You come home from work and find there has been a sewer backup in your neighborhood…and your home has sewage all the way up to your ceilings.
What do you think you should do … raise the ceilings or pump out the shit?

Your choice is coming Nov. 2012

These next couple are courtesy of Cookie:

A room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe and was telling the men how to give the necessary help and assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said, “Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.”

She looked at the men in the room, “Gentlemen, remember — you’re in this together. It wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both.”

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments, a man named Mac at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

“Yes,” said the Instructor.

“I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

Brings a tear to your eye doesn’t it? This kind of sensitivity just can’t be taught.

Best Comeback Line Ever?

Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous.

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 12.01 a.m. on Friday.

On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, “You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn’t anyone around,” he stated in a telephone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need.

“Guess I was really into it, you know?” he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

“It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure,” said Officer Taylor. “I walked up to Lawrence and he’s just banging away at this pumpkin.” Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.

“I said, ‘Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you’re having sex with a pumpkin?’ He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said,

“A pumpkin? Shit…is it midnight already?”

Humpday Hilarities

Howdy funny fans! Today’s edition starts off with this one from I Has a Hotdog:

This next one comes from Adam on Facebook:

This next one is from Cookie:

Why Many Athletes Can’t Have Regular Jobs:

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: “I wan’ all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan’ all the kids to copulate me.”

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: “I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.”

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the ‘Skin’s say: “I’d run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,” Matt Millen of the Raiders said: “To win, I’d run over Joe’s Mom, too.”

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: “He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings..”

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: “Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: “I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.” (Now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: “You guys line up alphabetically by height..” And, “You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle.”

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: “Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton.”

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: “That’s so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes.”

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota: “He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is.”

11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: “My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt. (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player: “I asked him, ‘Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?’ He said, ‘Coach, I don’t know and I don’t care.’”

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F’s and one D: “Son, looks to me like you’re spending too much time on one subject.”

14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford: “I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious.”

15. Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: “Because she’s too damn ugly to kiss good-bye.”

A big Thank You to everyone who sends me funnies. Keep ‘em coming!

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies are courtesy of Cookie:

From the Chief of Police:

I get irritated when people come down on our police officers, saying that they don’t care. Well, here is a story that shows not all cops are in that category.

The Pascagoula , MS Police Department reported finding a man’s body last Saturday in the Pascagoula River near the I-10 Bridge. The dead man’s name would not be released until his family had been notified.

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption while visiting “someone” in Pascagoula . He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick, and an Obama T-shirt.

The Police removed the Obama T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

Police do care.

And, this is why guns, idiots, children, alcohol, (or any combination thereof) DON’T MIX …

Humpday Hilarities

Howdy, y’all! Today’s funnies are courtesy of my pal Cookie:

An elderly Irishman is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, “I am on me way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on me body, as well as me smoke’n and stay’n out late.”

The officer then asks, “Really? and who might be give’n ya that lecture at this time of the night?”

The man replies, “That would be me wife.”

Now, I don’t know about y’all, but I would suggest this hunting dog find a new line of work:

Humpday Hilarities

I am 2 days late, my apologies my funnies fans!

This week’s starts off with this adorable clip from Cute Overload:

And this is from my pal Cookie:

The book “Understanding Women” has finally arrived in book stores. I think this is the condensed version … or it may be Vol. 1.

Last but not least, this one tickled my geeky funny bone, courtesy of The Mary Sue:

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funny is courtesy of Don:

Ethel on her 70th birthday

Last week, Ethel checked into a motel on her seventieth birthday, and she was a bit lonely. She thought, “I’ll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages.”

She looked through the phonebook, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony, a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, a dazzling smile, six-pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a quarter off his well oiled butt. She figured, “What the heck, nobody will ever know. I’ll give him a call.”

“Good evening, ma’am, how may I help you?” (Oh my! He sounded sooo sexy!)

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right into her query: “Hi; I hear you give a great massage. I’d like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait … I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone, and what I really want is sex. I want it hot and I want it now. Bring implements: toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you’ve got in your bag of tricks. We’ll go hot and heavy all night. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I’m ready!! Now how does that sound?”

He said, “That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.”

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