What are Humpday Hilarities?
I get funny bits, jokes, and all sorts of things emailed to me by friends and relatives. I decided a while back that I would post these once a week on my blog, and so the weekly "Humpday Hilarities" posts were born. As the name suggests, I post these every Wednesday -- or try to. (Hey, sometimes life gets in the way.) I won't promise that they'll all be 100% work-safe, but I usually try to keep it clean.
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Humpday Hilarities
February 3, 2010 by Nicki
This morning’s funny is courtesy of Don:
THREE HOLY MEN AND A BEAR
A Priest, a Pentecostal Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they’re all together to discuss their experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. “Well,” he says, “I went into the woods to find a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.”
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an IV drip in his arm, and both legs in casts. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, “WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.”
The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV’s and monitors running in and out of him. He was in real bad shape.
The Rabbi looks up and says, “Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.”
Humpday Hilarities
January 27, 2010 by Nicki
Today’s funny is courtesy of my mother:
Dear Diary,
For Christmas this year, my husband purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress…
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MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god — with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It’s a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the heck would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. Blah, blah, blah.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Butthole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being a half an hour late — it took me that long to tie my shoes.
He took me to work out with dumbbells.. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny witch to find me.
Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine — which I sank.
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FRIDAY:
I hate that demon Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the darn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
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SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
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SUNDAY:
I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun — like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
Humpday Hilarities
January 20, 2010 by Nicki
Today’s funnies are courtesy of my mother:
Signs
Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office:
“Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”
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In a Podiatrist’s office:
“Time wounds all heels.”
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On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels
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At a Proctologist’s door:
“To expedite your visit, please back in.”
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On a Plumber’s truck:
“We repair what your husband fixed.”
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On another Plumber’s truck:
” Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”
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On a Church’s Bill board:
“7 days without God makes one weak.”
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At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
“Invite us to your next blowout.”
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At a Towing company:
“We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.”
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On an Electrician’s truck:
“Let us remove your shorts.”
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In a Nonsmoking Area:
“If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”
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On a Maternity Room door:
“Push. Push. Push.”
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At an Optometrist’s Office:
“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”
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On a Taxidermist’s window:
“We really know our stuff.”
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On a Fence:
“Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!”
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At a Car Dealership:
“The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”
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Outside a Muffler Shop:
“No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”
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In a Veterinarian’s waiting room:
“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
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At the Electric Company
“We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don’t, you will be.”
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In a Restaurant window:
” Don ‘t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”
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In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
“Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”
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At a Propane Filling Station:
“Thank heaven for little grills.”
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And don’t forget the sign at a CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
“Best place in town to take a leak.”
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Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
“Caution – This Truck is full of Political Promises”
Humpday Hilarities
January 13, 2010 by Nicki
Today’s funny is courtesy of Don:
The Brothel
The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
‘May I help you sir?’ she asked.
‘I want to see Valerie,’ the man replied.
‘Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else’, said the madam.
‘No, I must see Valerie,’ he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000.
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie questioned the man, ‘No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?’ she asked.
The man replied, ‘ Cleveland ‘.
‘Really?’, she said. ‘I have family in Cleveland.’
‘I know.’ the man said. ‘Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.’
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
Humpday Hilarities: National Championship Edition
January 7, 2010 by Nicki
In honor of tonight’s matchup, I’ve compiled a list of football-related funnies from a myriad of sources. So without further ado, let’s get started:
Q: What does a tornado in Dallas and a divorce in Houston have in common?
A: In both cases someone is going to lose a trailer!
A UT grad is driving home from work when his cell phone rings. He answers and his wife says, “Honey I just wanted to warn you and let you know that I am watching the news and some idiot is driving on the wrong side of the interstate.”
The UT grad then replied “I am already on my way home, but you’re wrong. It is not one idiot but hundreds of them.”
Albert Einstein goes to a party. He introduces himself to a lady and says, “Hi, I’m Albert Einstein. What’s you’re IQ?”
“240,” she says.
“Great, we can discuss the mysteries of the universe and other things. We have a lot we can talk about ” he replies. Later he is talking with a man and says, “Hi, I’m Albert Einstein. What’s you’re IQ?”
“145,” he replies.
“Great, we can talk about thermodynamics,” says Albert. Later he is talking to another gentleman and says, “Hi, I’m Albert Einstein. What’s you’re IQ?”
“43,” the man manages to say. Einstein gets a puzzled look on his face for a minute then says, “How about them Longhorns?”
A Longhorn fan was driving in his car and swerving wildly from left to right. This went on for about five minutes until finally a cop pulls him over and asks, “Sir, why are you driving that way?”
The UT grad replies, “Well officer, I was driving along when I saw a tree. I had to move left until I saw another tree. Practically everywhere I went, I saw a tree and I had to keep turning.”
Then the cop said, “You are a Longhorns fan aren’t you?”
“Yeah! How did you know?”
“That’s your air freshener.”
An Alabama fan and a Texas fan are standing on opposite ends of a river yelling across at each other about which team is better. Suddenly, a genie pops out of thin air and offers to grant each fan a single wish.
The Texas fan pipes out, “I’ll go first.” The genie agrees and allows the Texas fan to annouce his wish first. “I want to build a wall that is 300 feet high and 100 feet thick around the state of Texas to keep all those Alabama fans out.” The genie agrees and ‘POOF!’, a wall 100 feet high and 100 feet thick pops up around the entire state of Texas.
The genie then turns to the Alabama fan and asks, “So what is your wish?” The Alabama fan points toward the giant wall and says, “Fill’er up.”
A Longhorns fan walks into a doctor’s office and removes his hat to reveal a frog sitting on his head. The doctor asks, “How can I help you?” The frog replies, “I was wondering if you could help me get this wart off my butt.”
Q: Why do University of Texas fans keep their diplomas on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.
It was reported that Texas head football coach Mack Brown will only be dressing twenty players for the national championship game. The rest of the players will have to get dressed by themselves.
Q: What do you get when you breed a groundhog and the Texas Longhorns?
A: Six more weeks of bad football.
Q: How many University of Texas freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That’s a sophomore course.
Q: What do Texas and pot have in common?
A: They both get smoked in bowls!
ROLL TIDE ROLL!
Humpday Hilarities
January 6, 2010 by Nicki
Today’s funnies start off with this one from Cookie:
GOLF CART ACCIDENT
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium.
She said, “I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible golf cart wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.
“Tom was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom’s scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”
Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.
“Now,” she announced in a quavering voice, thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”
All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, “I’m Tom.”
The entire congregation held its breath.
“I just want to tell my wife that the correct word is ’sternum’.”
And this is a little something for any Longhorn fans, courtesy of Teresa:
Click to enlarge
Humpday Hilarities
December 30, 2009 by Nicki
Today’s funnies are courtesy of Don:
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”
The priest said, “Confess your sins and be forgiven.”
The young woman said, “Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.”
The priest thought long and hard and then said, “Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.”
The young woman asked, “Will this cleanse me of my sins?”
The priest said, “No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.”
An elderly man walks into a confessional.
The following conversation ensues:
Man: “I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.”
Priest: “Are you sorry for your sins?”
Man: “What sins? ”
Priest: “What kind of a Catholic are you?”
Man: “I’m Jewish.”
Priest: “Why are you telling me all this?”
Man: “I’m 92 years old … I’m telling everybody!”
Humpday Hilarities
December 23, 2009 by Nicki
Today’s funnies start off with this one from I Can Has Cheezburger?:
And these are from my mother-in-law:
Humpday Hilarities
December 16, 2009 by Nicki
Today’s funnies start off with this one from Uncle Monster:
This one is from I Can Has Cheezburger?
And while I’m on the subject of kittehs, if you’re in need of some cute and furry goodness, these are a few of my favorite feline bloggers:
Go now! Clicky clicky!!! 
Humpday Hilarities
December 9, 2009 by Nicki
Today’s funnies start off with these from my pal Don:
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and she said, ”Mabel, do you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?’
Mabel answered, ‘I have a suppository in my ear?’
She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, ‘Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.’
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, ‘Now don’t get mad at me….I know we’ve been friends for a long time……but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is..’
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, ‘How soon do you need to know?’
And this funny is courtesy of Cookie:
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