Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funny is courtesy of my Cotillion sister, Kat:

A Redneck from North Carolina walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Bakersfield on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest..

Later, the bank’s president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank’s private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, ‘Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?’

The good ‘ole Tar Heel boy replied, ‘Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?’

His name was BUBBA…

Happy Mother’s Day!

I hope all you moms out there are having a wonderful day. I’m sitting here enjoying the quiet (and trying my best to stave off the headache that accompanies the rains like we’ve been having so much of lately!). I’ve called my mother and spoke to her a good while. I’ll soon call my mother-in-law and wish her a Happy Mother’s Day as well.

Jim, Jessie, and I had our celebration Friday night, as this was her mother’s weekend to have her. I received beautiful cards from each of them and a new mp3 player from both. A bright shiny red Sony Walkman!

Wow.

I couldn’t help but tear up just a little when Jim later told me that Jessie got her mother a DVD and a card “not as nice” as the one I had received. (I had gotten the “good” gift!)

And yeah, I allowed myself to enjoy that just a little.

While we were out, I stopped in Books-a-Million and picked up the latest installment of the Sookie Stackhouse series: Dead and Gone. I finished it last night and will say this — it’s an emotional roller coaster!

Overall, I really enjoyed the book and am a little saddened that I’ll have to wait a while before the next one comes out to see what direction the next book takes. There’s no cliff-hanger at the end, but I did pretty much cry all the way through the last chapter. The author killed a character I really liked. Well, actually, several had perished that I liked, but one had been a pretty big supporting character for the last few books. (but I won’t spoil it any further for those of you still reading it!)

I hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend, and hope the weather is better wherever you are than what it is here!

Businesses lending a hand to job hunters

I’m sure y’all don’t need me to tell you that finding a job is hard work. I know that I am extremely lucky to have found another job within a month of being laid off. Jim was laid off last week, so having me working again so soon was a real blessing. But I know plenty of other people who are still looking.

Looking and applying for a job is hard work, and I’m happy to see that some businesses are looking to lend a hand to those still trying to find work: in particular, Staples and Office Depot. I ran across a couple entries on Mommy’s Wish List that I thought some of y’all might find useful in your search (or you could relay to someone you know who’s searching):

• Office Depot is offering free printing and faxing services to customers until May 30th. (more details here)
• Staples is offering free and business cards to customers until June 13th. (more details here)

Hopefully that’s helpful to someone out there! Please feel free to share related hints or treats in the comment box below.

Humpday Hilarities

This one is courtesy of Don:

Getting Married in Heaven

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder, could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out.” and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer… for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? “What if it doesn’t work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?”

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informed the couple, “You can get married in Heaven.”

“Great!” said the couple. “But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

“What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple.

“OH, COME ON!!!” St. Peter shouted. “It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it’ll take to find a lawyer???”

And this one is courtesy of Dave:

THE ABILITY TO MAKE AND UNDERSTAND PUNS IS THE HIGHEST LEVEL OF LANGUAGE DEVELOPMENT

Here are 10 winners in the International Pun Contest.

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says ‘Dam!’

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly,so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies ‘Yes, I’m positive.’

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ‘But why?’ they asked, as they moved off. ‘Because,’ he said,’ I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.’

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ‘Ahmal’. The other goes to a family in Spain and is named ‘Juan.’ Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, ‘They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.’

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God,a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to ‘persuade’ them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back If they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Rest in peace, dear friend, Fravia+

I came home tonight to find a message from Father Luke bearing sad news — Fjalar Ravia, the man better known as Fravia+, has passed away. I had posted a while back with news of his illness, and he had posted a Spring Update letting everyone know of some promising news, but it seems that his tumor had metastasized.

I’m currently sitting here reading his Sour ‘n Sweet Swan Song — his final message — and am a blubbering soppy mess. Though we had lost touch over the years, I have always considered him a mentor, and most of all, a friend. Fravia+, I will miss you very much.

Please pray for his loved ones left behind in these sad times.

Figuring out the iTricks

Learning a new device always takes time. I’ve spent some of my spare time lately seeking out all the iPhone tips and tricks for various functions that I couldn’t figure out on my own. (Manual? What manual?) Apple actually has a pretty comprehensive list on their site, but I found several more that may be of interest to any other iNewbies out there.

Domain Resolution

If you have your search engine set to Google (it is set to this by default), you can leave off the “www” and “.com” when typing a URL in Safari. For instance, for www.mozilla.com just type “mozilla” in the URL box.

Save an Image as Wallpaper from Safari

You can save an image to your camera roll in Safari by pressing and holding the image. A menu will then appear asking you to either “Save Image” or “Cancel”. Once saved in your camera roll, you can set it as your wallpaper.

Caps When Typing

Most of the time, I never use the caps lock and keep it turned off. But what if you need a series of letters to be capitalized? The neat thing about the iPhone’s multi-touch is that it is smart enough to let you use the shift key just like you would on a computer — so you can hold down the shift key while you type, and every letter will be capitalized.

Neat, huh?

Re-arranging Applications on Home Screen(s)

This one I found by accident. You can rearrange the icons on your Home Screen by tapping and holding on any icon. When they start to “shake” simply rearrange as you like. Note: you can also switch out the icons on your dock (the gray bar at the bottom of your iPhone Home Screen).

Create an Icon for Your Website

If you hadn’t figured out by now, you can save bookmarks to your Home Screen. If no web clip (think favicon) is available for your site, it will create one using a screenshot of the whole page. Ugly, right? So create one for your site and it will be displayed instead.

Recommended: 57×57 pixels. Save as PNG format, with a filename of “apple-touch-icon.png”. Make sure you put it in the root folder of your website where your web documents reside.

If you don’t have access to your root folder, you can add the following to the HEAD section:

<link rel="apple-touch-icon" href="/images/apple-touch-icon.png"/>

Is that all?

I’m sure there’s a lot more out there that I haven’t discovered yet, so feel free to share your iTips and iSuggestions in the comments form below!

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