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Fears

I think I’ve mentioned before that I have irrational fears. Most people I know are afraid of “normal” things … you know, snakes, spiders, clowns, zombies, etc. Me? I get hung up over the intangible, or improbable. Ever since starting this job, one of those irrational fears has become heightened — being trapped in a free-falling elevator. Remember the first Resident Evil movie? Yeah, I always turn my head during that scene.

If I think about it logically, I know that the odds of one of the elevators at work experiencing a major harm-causing malfunction while I happen to be in it are astronomically low. In addition to that, all of the elevators have safety measures in place in the case of an emergency, such as power outage, cable or brake failure, etc. But the thought creeps into my mind every single time I step foot into one of those things.

Once I made the mistake of sharing this with one of my coworkers. Funny enough, she won’t ride in the elevator with me anymore.

So today I had overslept and didn’t have time to make my lunch, forcing me to head down to the mall to grab something from the food court. I boarded one of the elevators just like I do every day — this one happened to be one of the glass elevators (which I hate even more than the others). About halfway down, there was a loud “SNAP!”. The lights went out and the elevator screeched to a halt. “No big deal,” I kept telling myself. They’ve stopped before and would sometimes get “stuck”, sitting on certain floors, so you’d just have to get off and board another one.

But then it dropped. DROPPED! It wasn’t but just a few feet, but it was enough to make my heart skip a beat and suddenly every elevator nightmare I’d had came flooding back in an instant and I panicked.

OK, ‘panicked’ doesn’t even cover it — I. Flipped. My. Shit.

Sitting quietly for a second, my mind raced looking for answers:

“What should I do if I can’t get the doors open?”

“Where is the button I press to let someone know I’m trapped?”

“What do I do if it drops again?” Followed immediately by “No, don’t think like that, stupid!”

As if the elevator had read my mind, it dropped again for a few more feet, then opened its doors. Apparently the elevator had only dropped just enough to reach the next level so the doors could open (seeing out the window made it seem worse than it really was). I quickly leapt out of that thing as if my life depended on it. (which, in my panicked state of mind, it did!) I paced for the next minute, trying to calm myself and stop shaking — and trying to squelch the horrific scenarios playing out in my head.

About a minute later, I heard the power flicker back on, once again illuminating the car, and could hear the other cars moving along the levels above and below me. I could also see the other glass elevators moving along just fine … but I didn’t trust the motorized metallic bastard just yet. I decided it was safer to walk the next 9 stories down to the mall level, and kept a close eye on them as I ate my lunch.

Feeling a bit braver after I ate, I took the elevator back up to my floor. Thankfully the ride was uneventful this time, but I’m sure this will make for some more intense nightmares to come.

OK, new item added to the “someday job wishlist” — no elevators!

Where’s June?

Wow … it’s the end of June already. Almost July. Where has my time gone?

I’ve had lots happen over the past few months, but honestly can sum everything up in a few short sentences: things are mostly better.

Both Jim and I have been recommended to attend separate counseling, which we plan to once we’re financially able. (apparently our insurance only pays for so many sessions, then the rest WE are responsible for) Jim’s still looking for a job, but we are getting by.

Jessie is transforming more and more into a young lady every day, everyone we know has commented on how much she’s grown and how much older she looks already. You can’t help but notice that she acts older … she looks and talks like any typical teenage girl. As a mother, I couldn’t be prouder. But there’s something I’ve noticed this summer … I’ve noticed HER being noticed. Mostly by boys around her age — and a few older (who earn a VERY sharp warning look from me when I catch them! ).

I told Jim that we should start stockpiling ammunition. We’re going to need it.

Work has gotten busier. Every time I think that it couldn’t possibly get any more hectic, it does. But that’s good I suppose. Every time I take a day off, I come back to what looks like the aftermath of a tornado, or perhaps a hurricane.

It’s nice to know I’m missed.

Things are busy, but overall better than they have been. I’m thankful — I have a job, a loving family, and am blessed with wonderful friends. All that’s missing is a new house and some new big black combat boots.

I’m on a treadmill

Ever feel like you’re doing lots of running, but going nowhere? Yeah that’s been me lately!

I know things have been a little too quiet on here over the past few months. Rest assured, overall things are better … not outstanding, but better than they were. Things between me and Jim are a lot better. We’re not “fixed” by any means, but we’re talking a lot more, fighting less, and things have moved forward in a positive light. In fact, we’re actually working on the house again and hope to have it back on the market pretty soon.

We’ve order new furniture — I’m REALLY excited about that! We’re getting a new couch and a “lift top” coffee table. It’s basically a normal-looking table where the top lifts up, to like a dining or normal utility table. My mother-in-law has one and I have always LOVED hers. I had no idea that these things are available pretty much anywhere, you just needed to ask for it by that name. So I’m stoked!

Geekery

With our tax return money, Jim’s upgraded his PC with a smokin’ hawt processor and two new graphics cards. Me, I got a new laptop — an Asus G72Gx-X1. It’s an Intel quad-core with 6Gb of RAM on Windows 7 64-bit. It has a nice 17″ screen and 640Gb of storage space (more than enough to store my old data and anything new I need). I still need to replace my old backup drive that ate itself (lucky me, my husband recovered everything!), but am so far really pleased with my setup. It’s very shiny and HAWT!

hehehe, I can’t wait to show it off at the next LAN party!

I’ve been really happy with Asus’ laptops over the years. My old one is going to Jessie, so of course she’s excited. This also helps as a motivational tool with her grades. So far, she has done REALLY well this year and has stayed on the Honor Roll. We talked to her before letting her know that my old laptop would be hers, and expressed quite plainly that if her grades fell, this would be one of the first privileges taken away. It’s tons faster/newer than her old tower PC (my old green monster, sniff!) and would handle Aion so much better, so she’s really stoked about that!

Jess and I spend a lot of time in Aion nowadays. Jim reached level 50 on his main and “took a break” — meaning he got bored with it and will probably come back when the 1.9-2.0 patches come out. Me, I’m still loving every minute of it. Jess too — she’s already maxed out on alts, LOL! I joined a really great guild named Rogue. They are pretty active and laid back and even have both Asmodian and Elyos members, so it’s pretty cool to chat on their forums and vent with players from both factions.

Work stuff

Things at work have gotten busier. Hehe, I didn’t think that was possible. I’ve gained new responsibilities, which is a good thing, but I’m tons busier now than I was so that means pretty much no free time at work. Oh well, the pay is nice and I really like my work environment. My co-workers are good people and am learning tons, so that all makes it worth it in the grand scheme of things.

There are times that I miss UAB … but hearing from friends about how things are now, I’m glad (overall) that I’m no longer in that mess.

Jim’s still looking. The IT market here is still a huge sucking black hole, but I’m seeing more jobs in the paper now than there were 6-9 months ago, so I’m taking that as a good sign. Of course Jim’s over-qualified for 99% of them and so I think that’s why he doesn’t get any call-backs.

I think sometimes he resents me because I’m working and he’s not. Had I known then what I know now, I would have insisted HE interview for my job and me stay at home. Oh well, him being at home has been a real blessing. Jessie loves spending more time with him — and it means that on days where we have her, she doesn’t have to deal with her mother at all.

She and her mother aren’t getting along any better. I think she “endures” her mother as best she can (and can relate), so we try not to be too hard on her when she and her mom have spats. Her mother isn’t the easiest woman to get along with and considering her mother’s mental state and past history, Jessie does a damned fine job if you ask me. I see a lot of my father in her mother, and pray like Hell that she grows up to be better than me, than how I turned out.

I think she will be. Jessie’s very strong-willed and she amazes me every day with how smart and perceptive she is. She’s getting tall too. I can’t believe she’ll be 13 soon. Seems like only yesterday she was 4 years old and running around my house casting Harry Potter spells.

She was SO CUTE!

She’s already wearing makeup and having her monthly visitor. She’s more into boys and video games than cartoons and karate now. And like I mentioned before, she’s doing very well in school. She has new friends that she texts almost every day. She’s blossoming into a wholly new little person and I feel blessed to be able to just be part of her life and to see it happening.

I tell her all the time that she and Jim were the best thing to ever happen to me. I don’t think she believes me, hehe.

More family stuff

Things between me and my father have digressed pretty much back to not-speaking. My mother and I are getting along better, as long as we avoid certain topics … like my husband, and him not working. If I bring Jim up in conversation, she changes the subject.

Ah, just like old times …

I don’t think I really talked about Thanksgiving and Christmas on here. Things were bad enough because of the problems Jim and I are having … and I think they were made worse with our visits to my family. Both Thanksgiving and Christmas my father ignored us. I mean sitting down in another room, pretending to be oblivious to anyone or anything around him, not speaking to any of us when we spoke to him, ignoring us. Both holidays, we went over there and that’s what he did — he went into the TV room, sat in “his” chair and said nothing to any of us. What pissed me off was that when my brother and his family came over, he would get up, be lively and interact with them, and as soon as they left, he went back to his chair in that room.

I was humiliated, and furious. And quite honestly am thinking of not seeing my parents any more during the holidays. I know that doing this will hurt my mother, and will probably damage our relationship further; but I cannot and will not continue to be ignored, looked down upon, or have my family be treated like we’re a bunch of second-rate citizens. Honestly, just thinking about it right now is raising my blood pressure and making me very angry.

Maybe I still have unresolved issues. Maybe my father is just an asshole. Either way, I’ve decided not to put my husband and daughter, whom I love more than life itself, through that any more.

So, how are you doing?

A few of you I’ve heard from off the blog. I really miss interacting with everyone and would love to hear how y’all are doing. Please feel free to comment below, or just holler at me via email!

Humpday Hilarities

I had a particularly hard day at work yesterday and totally wasn’t feeling the funny vibe. This video is something that my adorable husband posted to lift my spirits. It worked, and is my funnies entry for this week. Anyone who’s ever done tech support or even customer support I’m sure could relate to this.

Note: may be a bit NSFW (hand gestures and a couple words) so you may want to keep the volume down.

Are you sure this isn’t Monday?

What a lousy day … I overslept, woke up still mad at my husband, PMSing, was late to work, and when I finally DID get to work the phone was ringing off the hook and every client was wanting every single thing done right that instant! I swear, if I didn’t know any better, I would have thought that I was stuck in some ‘Groundhog Day’ parallel Hell where every day was Monday all over again.

In short, I had a REALLY lousy day.

Apparently, one of my coworkers had picked up on this and without a word, walked up to my desk, gingerly laid down a chocolate bar, and slowly backed away. I looked at it, turned to him and before I could snap off a terse “What is THIS for?”, he said, “I live in a household with four women … and you looked like you needed one of these about now.” He smiled and walked away. I stared at the sweet confection for a moment, then proceeded to tear into it like a ravenous five-year-old opening presents on Christmas morning.

OK, so now I feel a little better … but today still sucked (for the most part).

I’m not sure, but I think I’ve been promoted

Jessie came to work with me yesterday and we had several good discussions throughout the day on various topics. Inevitably, the topic of her mother always comes up one way or another and yesterday was no exception. Jessie shared a profound thought, likening the story of Coraline with her relationship with her own mother — but in reverse. Jessie’s mother is a bit clingy and Jessie, understandably, feels smothered. She told me, “She’s just like the Other Mother, she wants me to always stay with her and says I can never leave.”

My mother-in-law tells me all the time what a positive influence I’ve been to Jessie. In essence, somewhere over the years, the roles of “mother” and “the other mother” became switched. Jessie remarked about her mother’s behavior and wondered if that’s why she and Jim divorced. She said would leave her too if she could, that she wanted to leave her “like Coraline wanted to leave the Other Mother after realizing what she was really like.”

While I laugh at Jessie’s analogy, I can’t help but feel sorry for her mother. I’ve said for years that one day Jessie will grow up and see her mother for what she really is. I think that day has come sooner than anyone thought.

Call me ‘Proud Momma’

Wow, tomorrow’s Halloween already. How time has flown! We’ve been uber-busy over the past few months. Jim is doing ok, still looking for work. I’m doing ok at my new job. Things are finally starting to settle down and I think I’m getting the hang of things. I’ve been there nearly 6 months, though I still feel very much like a n00b some days, LOL!

We’re still working on the house here and there as time permits. We’ve started renovating both of the bathrooms and have started painting each room one at a time. Once Jim finds work, we can start the financing stuff again. The builder’s company that currently owns the home we want has been great about extending our contract as long as we need it, so that has definitely been one less thing to worry about!

We’ve all been spending our spare time playing Aion (as I’m sure everyone has gathered by now, LOL!). It’s been a great experience for Jessie so far. It amazes me how quickly she has picked up the MMO lingo and how she interacts with other people online — both in our guild and in pickup groups. Aion has also been excellent motivation when it comes to good behavior at home and diligence in her school work. She’s allowed to play Aion as long as she keeps up her studies and her grades, and so far it’s working great!

She’s doing REALLY well this year in middle school. She loves her teachers, her classes, and having more kids come in from area feeder schools has put a good mix of kids in her classes (rather than the same 20+ for the last 6 years). For the most part, she’s getting along much better with her schoolmates from what we can tell. We know there have been small “picking” events, but nothing near like the bullying she experienced in the elementary school. (although it helps that the two biggest bullies are no longer in the JeffCo school system — one is at an alternative school and the other now being homeschooled and “getting treatment for issues”)

Jessie is a completely different child now, it’s absolutely amazing.

I had been meaning to post about this for a while, but what prompted me was a story posted in The Birmingham News today about Trey Figures, a 12 year old boy in Anniston who committed suicide earlier this week. Reading Trey’s story broke my heart, not only because he is the same age as my child, but also because he was being bullied in a school that was completely unaware of the problem, and wasn’t doing enough to correct it.

I know I posted a little about Jessie’s bullying in the past on here. I can’t tell you how many phone calls Jim and I made to the school office, how many parent/teacher conferences we had, or how many meetings we had with the vice-principal and/or principal. (We even spoke with the parents of one of the kids who bullied her the most and even that proved fruitless.) The fact of the matter was: the school ALWAYS promised to do more, but what little that was done was never enough.

Honestly, Jessie never really started doing better until she was out of that school for good. Like most kids, she’s never the most excited in the mornings about actually going to school and doing classwork and accompanying homework, but she doesn’t beg me NOT to take her anymore. She doesn’t beg to stay out of school or stay home. She comes home in a good mood, instead of crying or sitting sullen in constant hostility to everyone around her. There’s less attitude and general bad behavior at home. You can tell just by being around her that she is a happier child.

Oh, and her grades have finally come back up! Did I tell y’all she made the A-B Honor Roll? She was just a few points shy of having straight A’s!!!!

This child hasn’t done this well since the very beginning of her school years!! The feedback we get from her teachers has been very encouraging and tells us that she is not only doing better at home, but in also at school and in class. She no longer acts up. She’s genuinely interested in her favorite subjects again and now applies herself more. One teacher put on her report card that she’s a “very respectful student.” Another tells us she “puts forth a lot of effort in class.”

Who wouldn’t be proud of that?

Anyone who knows me knows I’m a proud momma, and I’m sure Trey’s momma is no different. This morning I read Trey’s story and thought to myself, “That could very easily be any child — even mine.”

While I am very thankful and know I am truly blessed to see this wonderful transformation in my child, it breaks my heart to see a mother who won’t get the chance to see it in her own. As a personal favor to me, please keep Trey’s loved ones in your prayers.

And this is where my head asplodes

This is a real conversation that I had with a real client earlier today:

Customer: I have a problem with my site.

Me: I’m sorry to hear that. Can you give me an example of the problem?

Customer: An example of what?

Me: What’s going on with your site?

Customer: The spacing is off.

Me: OK, can you give me an example of where this is happening?

Customer: On my site.

Me: Is there a specific page you’re seeing this happening on?

Customer: I don’t understand your question.

Me: Is it on one particular page, or all over the site?

Customer: The problem?

Me: Yes.

Customer: I still don’t understand your question.

What are your mood lifters?

On days where I bring my lunch to work, I usually sit at my desk and read my feeds. With all the things going on, I’ve found that most days I want stuff to keep me in good mood — or if I’m in a particularly bad one, to enhance my mood.

A couple days back, GeekSugar posted 10 Sites That Will Instantly Lift Your Mood. While the entries were pretty neat (I particularly enjoyed FML but it’s not really mood-lifting IMO), but honestly none of those I would visit when I was in need of a serious dose of smiles and gigglies.

These are my mood lifters, in no particular order:

• I Can Has Cheezburger? – LOLcats and LOLanimals own. ‘Nuff said.
• I Has a Hotdog! – Sister site to the ICHC, featuring LOLdogs of course. More awesomeness.
• Cute Overload – Introduced to this by my pal DocJeff, this never ceases to make me smile.
• ZooBorns – Announcements of baby zoo animals born all over the world. Entertaining and usually very educational. Dual-awesomeness.
• Cute Animals Channel on Today’s Big Thing – A daily feeding of furry funny video.
• Cukiság – A Hungarian cute animals site. Even though I usually don’t understand any of the text, the photos are cool.
• FurryTalk – A good site, with a mix of LOLpics, jokes, and inspirational animal stories.

I could name a few others, but these are the ones I hit every day. They’re good for a quick smile, and likely help keep me sane.

So what sites are your mood lifters?

Dreams are cruel

It’s been a while since I’ve posted “personal stuff”. There are a myriad of reasons, the biggest being that I work for a company that has a huge online presence — including blogging and social networking. Being at UAB, I was always selective with what I shared, but I’ve found that I have to be even more so now.

That … and I tend to go “anti-blog” when there’s a lot of family drama and other things going on.

I had a dream earlier this week that UAB called me and wanted me to come back. The details of the dream are very faint to me now, but I distinctly remember waking up and feeling very down. That feeling has pretty much stuck with me all week. I can’t shake it, and what’s worse, I don’t yet fully understand why it’s bothering me so much.

I once told someone that I didn’t know that I wanted to be a web designer until I was hired there. Sure, there were things that I didn’t like about it. Higher management didn’t think much of my department. The pay wasn’t that great, but the benefits were awesome. It was close to home, and I had a very flexible schedule.

What I loved most about the job: I got to create things. Sure, it wasn’t as often as I’d like, and the majority of what I created I couldn’t show off to anyone … but for me it was just a great feeling being a part of the team. I felt appreciated. My opinion mattered. I loved my coworkers — they’re great people. Some of my “customers” I could have done without, but there were several that I just adored and loved working with.

And before I knew it … all that was gone.

Sure, I like where I am now. The people are nice. The facilities are nice. The pay is great. The benefits are less than UAB’s, but nobody’s perfect. But I miss the creative stuff.

I think that’s what’s eating me up, and I can’t yet let go of it. I mean let’s face it, with the way the economy is right now and the local government’s current financial state being in the toilet, there’s no way I’m going to be hired back. And to be totally honest, I just can’t go back to work under the current administration. My department is full of great people, but the people in charge all the way up the hierarchy don’t appreciate them, and sure as hell didn’t think much of me.

Or, that’s the impression they ALWAYS gave me! Several people have tried to convince me otherwise. It’s hard to listen when their actions tell me something totally different!!

I recently heard from a friend who’s still there, and I’ve been replaced — well, sort of. My actual position still no longer exists, but my duties have been taken over by someone. She was brought in during last year’s “merger” and took over most of my workload when I was laid off. I unwittingly trained my replacement. Thanks to me, she’s got some SharePoint and HTML experience, so she was naturally selected to pick up my stuff.

I don’t think that’s what she wants, but I definitely get the impression that she feels she can’t do anything else there and is just doing what she’s told so she can keep her job. Not that I blame her. She’s a good friend of mine, I love her dearly, and I can’t bring myself to be mad at her. It’s not her fault that I was let go, but I still can’t help feeling like shit when I think about how easily I was replaced.

Thinking about it now, I guess that’s why I’ve been trying like mad to stay preoccupied with new obsessions. They’re distractions to keep me from thinking about how unhappy and useless I feel. If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s probably my own for not keeping my options open during my time at UAB. I was so happy to finally be there, that I shied away from any new possibilities because I felt loyal to my employer and refused to hear any offers from anywhere else.

That’s something that keeps biting me in the ass: being loyal to my employer. You’d think I’d have learned by now …

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