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Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies are courtesy of one of my favorite Cheezburger Network sites: Monday Through Friday (work fails & job LOLs).

My install of Office didn’t come with this guy. Wonder if I need to upgrade?

I’m sure they’ll post an updated sign once this mystery is solved:

A little Star Trek and Microsoft humor … how many times has this happened to you?

Ah, I love honesty in a business!

And last but not least, if the internet was a gun:

I think that pretty well sums it up!

Humpday Hilarities

Wow, how is it Friday already? I mean, YAY it’s Friday!

We are slammed at work, so I hadn’t had a chance to post until this morning. Let’s start off with these from my mother:

LOL, maybe I need one of those signs!

This one is courtesy of Cookie:

And last but not least, this one is from Dave:

Have a great weekend!

Making a change

One of my goals has long been to lose weight. It’s not much when you look at the big picture of things, but it’s something I’ve been struggling with because of work and family obligations and my consistently slipping off the diet. (Comfort food is too comforting!) I came to the decision that I can’t do this alone and today took a first step in a new direction. I met with a personal trainer where I’ve been going (or rather, haven’t been going) to work out.

Getting all of my proper measurements done and putting my goals in writing helped more than I realized. I feel really good about this. They’re going to set me up with a couple of people to work with. Learn how to work out and use weights properly. Learn what kind of diet I ~should~ be eating. I’ll be accountable for something, I’ll have to show up on the days I have committed whether I feel like working out or not. They’ll also be on me to come in and work out even on days I don’t work with a trainer.

I’m essentially paying someone to nag me.

And I feel good about this. It’s going to be hard as Hell. My body and my fat are really good friends. They’re not going to want to separate.

I’ve been working very hard to re-organize other parts of my life. It’s about time I started taking care of my health. My headaches are getting worse because of the stress. Getting back down to a healthy weight would help minimize my pain, and would give me another outlet for stress. Most of all, I want this. I want my pre-wedding body back. I want to be able to run up a half dozen flights of stairs and not feel like I’m going to pass out. I want to start kickboxing again.

I want to feel better. And I should’ve done this a long time ago.

Wish me luck!

I’m ok, and that’s ok

I was perusing Tumblr and ran across this image:

I think that pretty much sums everything up. Things are better, but not fantabulous. We’re finally getting caught up financially and things are looking up as far as that goes. Personally, I would like to work towards putting our house back on the market and start paperwork on the house we wanted (YES! It’s still available!), but Jim’s not ready for that. And I don’t know if or when he will be. Us selling our house indicates promise for a future for “us” … and that’s still uncertain to him.

So, I’m still an emotional sponge. I soak up everything around me, and with the littlest bit of pressure, everything comes rushing out. But at least I’ve been able to hold it together a little better than before. Baby steps, I guess?

I know I haven’t posted much personal stuff … or really, anything at all, other than my weekly funnies. The truth is, I’m busy. We’re busy. And I try like mad to stay distracted or I’ll go out of my mind. (my ‘silly game‘ helps a lot with this, believe it or not, it’s been great therapy for me … in my opinion) And I try every day to find things that make me smile or laugh. Tumblr has been great for that. There’s SO MANY fan sites on there of things that I adore — from kittens and puppies to geeky sci-fi movies and tv shows.

So, like Jim and I have good days and bad days for us, I also have good days and bad days for me. And I’m working hard on keeping positive. The dark place I used to be in now has a little more light, and sometimes I think I can see better days ahead.

I still have hope.

Love and hugs to you all. I promise I’ll try to post more often. ♥

The State of the Blog

Time sure flies when you’re busy! I hadn’t meant to go this long before posting again. Whoops!

Things are going better. Christmas was great over all. I scored some great gifts from my hubby, spent time with friends and family, and was just grateful for … everything, really. Things aren’t fantabulous, but they are a lot better now than they have been over the last couple of years. Work is still uber-busy, which is a good thing. I have so many friends out of work, I know I’m very lucky to have a job right now. It’s not my dream job, but I like the place and I like my coworkers. Most importantly, it pays the bills and the benefits cover my family’s needs … I really can’t ask for much more than that, now can I?

I’m still spending a lot of my spare time gaming. Aion just had another significant update and the next “big” one is probably 6 months out. It’s fun, and I’ve met a lot of cool people. I have a few “real life” friends who play and I get to keep in touch with them that way. Plus Jess and I both play on the same server and it’s fun to just do that as a mother-and-daughter fun time.

Heck, I even created a whole separate blog just for my gaming stuff: Daevic Flux. (I didn’t want to dump all my game stuff on here because I know not all of y’all wanna see that )

So I guess I can’t complain about much going on lately. (Well, I could, but it wouldn’t do much good! LOL) I know I’ve been quiet … things are just busy, and busy is good, I think. Jess is growing up into a beautiful young lady right before my very eyes — and getting more like her father every day (oh boy, the attitude and that mouth, LOL!!!!). We have good days and bad days, but luckily things are mostly good.

Warmer weather would be nice to have though — NO MORE SNOW!!!!

So … y’all stay in and stay warm. Feel free to keep sending me funnies — they really do make my day.

Merry Christmas, Happy Solstice and Merry Yule, y’all!

And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”

Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests.”

When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let’s go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.”

So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.

– Luke 2:8-20 NIV

So far, this Christmas is turning out much better than last year’s. I’m hoping the trend continues.

Jim let me open one of my presents from him this morning: a Philips Fidelio docking speaker. I’ve been wanting a speaker/player for my iPhone and he got me a NICE one! It hooks up to my iPhone to play tunes off it, or I can hook it up to my MP3 player. It can also charge my phone and sync up on my pc with a USB cable. It’s much nicer than the ones I had been looking at, and so I brought it to work with me today to play with it.

A new toy! YAY! Teehee!

We’ll be heading out of town tomorrow and will be in and out all weekend. I hope everyone has a safe and very Merry Christmas, Happy Solstice, and Merry Yule!

Humpday Hilarities

I have a bounty of funnies today — all football related.

These are all courtesy of my co-workers:

An Auburn math professor comes in all ticked off and says, “You guys did very poorly on my test yesterday. I will not be surprised if half of you fail my class!”

A student raises his hand and the professor says “What?”

The student says, “But Professor, I’m the only one in the class.”

A man takes his wife, (who used to be an Auburn Cheerleader) hunting, and impresses on her again and again that “If you shoot a deer, don’t let someone else claim that they shot it also and that since they killed it… it’s their deer!”

He’s in his stand for hardly 10 minutes when he hears his wife shooting nearby. He rushes over to her stand to find her pointing her gun at a man who is loudly disclaiming, “It’s your deer lady. It’s your deer. Just lemme get my saddle off it!!!!”

A guy named Joe receives a free ticket to the Iron Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Joe arrives at the stadium, he realizes his seat is in the last row in the upper deck. He is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Joe sees through his binoculars an empty seat 10 rows from the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and make his way through the stadium to the empty seat. As he sits down, Joe asks the gentleman sitting next to him, “Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?” The man says “No”.

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Joe again inquires of the man next to him, “This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Auburn-Alabama game and not use it?!” The man replies, “Well actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Iron Bowl we haven’t been together at since we got married in 1960.”

“Well, that’s really sad,” Joe said, “but still, you couldn’t find anyone to take the seat? A friend or close relative?”

“No,” the man relied, They’re all at the funeral!”

An Auburn city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old farmer living outside Tuscaloosa. The farmer’s prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The farmer only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace. The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the farmer and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the farmer agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the farmer had signed the release and took the check, the Auburn lawyer couldn’t resist gloating a little over his success, telling the farmer, “You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn’t have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn’t have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!”

The old farmer replied, “Well, I’ll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning.”

What do two quarters at the bottom of a toilet and an Auburn cheerleader have in common?

Everyone sees them but no one picks them up.

What do you call an Auburn football player with a National Championship ring?

“Thief.”

What’s the difference between an Auburn fan and a litter of puppies?

After 6 weeks, the puppies stop whining.

A young boy and his mother were in the cemetery visiting the grave of a loved one. They came upon a headstone that read, “Here lies a Auburn graduate and an honest man.” The boy then asked his mother, “Mommy, why did they bury two men in there?”

An Auburn football player was bragging to a group of co-eds that he finished a jigsaw puzzle in only 3 months. One girl said, “Three months? You’re proud of that?” The Aubie said, “Yep. On the box it said 4-6 years!”

A man walks into a store says to the clerk, “I’d like a pair of blue shoes, a orange shirt, a pair of white pants.”

The clerk looks at him and shakes his head saying, “You must be an Auburn fan!”

The man proclaims with pride, “How could you tell, was it the color scheme?”

The clerk looks at him and says “No, this is a hardware store.”

A football fan walks into a small shop in Birmingham. He spots a bottle labeled “Alabama Football Player Brains”, $5 an ounce. He asks the clerk if there are any other bottles.

The clerk replies, “Well, we’ve got Tennessee brains for $10 an ounce, and Auburn football brains for $1,000,000 an ounce.”

The man says, “Why the big difference in price?”

The clerk answers,”Do you know how many Auburn football players we have to kill to get an ounce of brains!”

Two boys are playing football in a vacant lot when one of the boys is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the first little boy rips a board off a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog’s collar, and twists, breaking the dog’s neck and killing him instantly.

A reporter, who happens to be strolling nearby, sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. “That was the most incredible act of bravery I’ve ever seen!” the reporter exclaims. He whips out his notebook and furiously scribbles the headline: “Young Bama Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal!”

The little hero sees this and says, “But sir, I’m not a Bama Fan, I’m an Auburn Fan!”

The reporter looks warily at the boy for a moment, then flips the page and begins a new headline: “Little Redneck Kills Beloved Family Pet”

What do they put on the bottoms of Coke bottles at Auburn?

Please open other end.

Why is ice is no longer available in the drinks at the cafeterias at Auburn?

The senior who knew the recipe graduated.

I hope everyone has a lovely Thanksgiving! Can’t wait until Friday to see the big game!

ROLL TIDE ROLL!

Humpday Hilarities (late edition, oops!)

Wow, it’s November already … where has the year gone? John and Miranda’s wedding is tomorrow, Jess made All-County choir, and work has been in overdrive since the beginning of time, LOL! Sorry this is so late, I’ve grounded myself as punishment and promise to do better next week!

These are courtesy of some of my Aion gaming friends:

Humpday Hilarities

Yeah, yeah, I’m late again. Work’s been kicking me in the gluteus maximus all week and I’m still playing catchup. Hehehe…

So anyways, this week’s edition starts off with this funny from Charnita’s Xpressions (via Rachel at Bama Bloggers):

Visitor’s Guide to Birmingham (Alabama)

First, you must learn to pronounce the city name. It’s ‘Bur-min-ham’.

Driving Information: Burmin’ham has its own version of traffic rules…

1. The truck with the loudest exhaust goes next at a 4-way stop. The truck with the biggest tires goes after that. (Note: Blue haired ladies driving anything have right-of-way anytime.)

2. To find anything in the city it is required that you know where Malfunction Junction is… which is the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. It is one of only two ‘cloverleaf’ formation interchanges in the world. We invented it and only one other city was stupid enough to implement it again… Atlanta- making them dumber than we are.

3. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00 AM. The evening rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:00 PM. Friday’s rush hour starts Thursday morning a runs thru Saturday Noon. If the term ‘merging delays’ is ever used by the person reporting the traffic, even in passing, call in to work and tell them that you will be at least 30 minutes late regardless of where you are in your commute.

4. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be (at the very least)rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot. This applies to male and female drivers alike.

5. You must know that ‘I-459′, ‘ I-59′, ‘I-20′, and ‘I-65′ are the same road they just loop around the city. We think this was a ploy to confuse outsiders and discourage visitors after the War of Northern Aggression.

6. Always, always, always, find out if it is a race weekend before you get on any of these ‘roads’ to travel somewhere. If it is a race weekend, stay home or go to the races. You won’t be going anywhere else!!!

7. Construction is a permanent fixture in Burmin’ham. The barrels are moved around in the middle of the night to make the next day’s driving bit more exciting.

8. Watch very carefully for road hazards such as deer, skunks, dogs,barrels, cones, cows, horses, potholes, cats, armadillos, pieces of other cars, opossum, truck tires, raccoons, squirrels, rabbits, and crows or vultures feeding on any of these items.

9. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been ‘accidentally activated’…

10. The minimum acceptable speed on ‘I-65′ (see item 5 above) is 85 mph.Anything less is considered downright sissy. This is Alabama’s State Highway sponsored version of NASCAR, especially during rush hour (see item 3 above) when it’s 85 and everyone in the city is driving at once, bumper to bumper. If you are in the left lane and only going 70 in a 55-65 zone, you are considered a road hazard, and will be treated accordingly…

11. Do not gawk at the woman in the car beside you in traffic who is applying make up, talking on a cell phone, drinking a Diet Coke, smoking a Marlboro, and maintaining a steady speed of 85 mph on I-65 in rush hour traffic. If she is coming from North of Burmin’ham, she might be packing. If she is coming from South of Burmin’ham, she IS packing and is not afraid to use it.

Weather Information:

1. If it’s 110 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend

2. If its 10-20 degrees and sleeting/snowing, then watch out, Burmin’ham residents consider this ‘demolition derby’ day and will be all over the roads (front ways, back ways, etc). Please proceed with caution, as you could be their next target.

Seasonal Information:

1. If you stick to the seats in your vehicle, it is Spring.

2. If you need to let the car ‘get some air’ by standing next to it with the doors open for a minute before you can stick your upper body inside to crank it and get the air going, it is Summer.

3. If you are sweating even with the windows down, driving 55 mph, it is Fall.

4. If you finally turn the AC off and roll your windows up, it is Winter.

General Information: (and this is very important)

1. Do not ever speak to anyone during the song ‘ Sweet Home Alabama unless it is to sing along with the lyrics. This is like the State Song and will erupt in a brawl if everyone doesn’t show ‘proper respect’ to the band who gave us ‘Free Bird’. This is especially true if alcohol is present. Notice I didn’t say ‘sold at this event’ but present.

2. Yes, we know that Vulcan is mooning the entire city. It’s not that funny to us anymore.

3. If you ask someone for a ‘coke’, they will immediately ask you what kind’? This is not a trick question. Tell them what you want: Sprite,Dr.Pepper, Root Beer, etc… it’s all ‘coke’.

4. All tea is sweet. If it’s not sweet, you have crossed the Mason Dixon Line and are in the North.

Y’all come back now, ya hear!

And one for the “you can’t make this stuff up” file, this story comes straight from local headlines this week:

As Jefferson County deputy pumps gas, wanted man talks himself into arrest

There are dumb criminals who think they are smart, and then there are the few willing to admit their shortcomings. Matthew Kinard falls into the latter category.

On Thursday night, the 27-year-old Kinard was parked next to a Jefferson County sheriff’s deputy pumping gas at a service station when he walked over to her, and asked her to check and see if he had any outstanding warrants.

Sgt. Venita Edge said she would oblige, but warned him that if there were warrants, he was going to jail.


Kinard gave her his driver’s license and said he didn’t think he had warrants but if so, to please not arrest him.


It was obvious to the sheriff’s sergeant that something wasn’t right, said Chief Deputy Randy Christian. While she was running the check, Kinard couldn’t shut up.

He talked the entire time — telling Edge about having prescriptions but being arrested for illegal drugs, and having been shot but then charged with loitering for drugs. His pupils were constricted and he was sweating profusely. He was moving and jumping around.

The computer check showed Kinard had an outstanding warrant for unlawful possession of a controlled substance. Believing he was a danger to himself and others, Edge arrested him.

An inventory of his truck turned up Lortab pills.

Kinard is charged with unlawful possession of a controlled substance, unlawful possession of drug paraphernalia and public intoxication. He is in the county jail on $14,000 bond.

While en route to the lockup, Kinard had this to say to the sergeant: “I am the stupidest criminal in the world.”


Authorities agreed. “Obviously,” Christian said, “he took the words right out of my mouth.”

I do believe that’s the understatement of the year.

Hopefully things will be back to normal next week. Until then, keep sending me all your funnies!

Fears

I think I’ve mentioned before that I have irrational fears. Most people I know are afraid of “normal” things … you know, snakes, spiders, clowns, zombies, etc. Me? I get hung up over the intangible, or improbable. Ever since starting this job, one of those irrational fears has become heightened — being trapped in a free-falling elevator. Remember the first Resident Evil movie? Yeah, I always turn my head during that scene.

If I think about it logically, I know that the odds of one of the elevators at work experiencing a major harm-causing malfunction while I happen to be in it are astronomically low. In addition to that, all of the elevators have safety measures in place in the case of an emergency, such as power outage, cable or brake failure, etc. But the thought creeps into my mind every single time I step foot into one of those things.

Once I made the mistake of sharing this with one of my coworkers. Funny enough, she won’t ride in the elevator with me anymore.

So today I had overslept and didn’t have time to make my lunch, forcing me to head down to the mall to grab something from the food court. I boarded one of the elevators just like I do every day — this one happened to be one of the glass elevators (which I hate even more than the others). About halfway down, there was a loud “SNAP!”. The lights went out and the elevator screeched to a halt. “No big deal,” I kept telling myself. They’ve stopped before and would sometimes get “stuck”, sitting on certain floors, so you’d just have to get off and board another one.

But then it dropped. DROPPED! It wasn’t but just a few feet, but it was enough to make my heart skip a beat and suddenly every elevator nightmare I’d had came flooding back in an instant and I panicked.

OK, ‘panicked’ doesn’t even cover it — I. Flipped. My. Shit.

Sitting quietly for a second, my mind raced looking for answers:

“What should I do if I can’t get the doors open?”

“Where is the button I press to let someone know I’m trapped?”

“What do I do if it drops again?” Followed immediately by “No, don’t think like that, stupid!”

As if the elevator had read my mind, it dropped again for a few more feet, then opened its doors. Apparently the elevator had only dropped just enough to reach the next level so the doors could open (seeing out the window made it seem worse than it really was). I quickly leapt out of that thing as if my life depended on it. (which, in my panicked state of mind, it did!) I paced for the next minute, trying to calm myself and stop shaking — and trying to squelch the horrific scenarios playing out in my head.

About a minute later, I heard the power flicker back on, once again illuminating the car, and could hear the other cars moving along the levels above and below me. I could also see the other glass elevators moving along just fine … but I didn’t trust the motorized metallic bastard just yet. I decided it was safer to walk the next 9 stories down to the mall level, and kept a close eye on them as I ate my lunch.

Feeling a bit braver after I ate, I took the elevator back up to my floor. Thankfully the ride was uneventful this time, but I’m sure this will make for some more intense nightmares to come.

OK, new item added to the “someday job wishlist” — no elevators!

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