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Humpday Hilarities
November 10, 2010 by Nicki
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This week’s start off with this one from The Daily What:
This one is courtesy of Today’s Big Thing:
Humpday Hilarities (late edition, oops!)
Wow, it’s November already … where has the year gone? John and Miranda’s wedding is tomorrow, Jess made All-County choir, and work has been in overdrive since the beginning of time, LOL! Sorry this is so late, I’ve grounded myself as punishment and promise to do better next week! 
These are courtesy of some of my Aion gaming friends:
Humpday Hilarities
October 13, 2010 by Nicki
Today’s funny is courtesy of one of my guild mates:
Look familiar? 
Humpday Hilarities
September 15, 2010 by Nicki
Howdy y’all! Today’s funny is brought to you by one of my favorite sites, I Can Has Cheezburger? 
One more week, Bama fans!
One week from tomorrow is Alabama’s first game of the 2010 football season and I can’t wait! Are you excited?
Here’s a few goodies to ‘tide’ us over until next weekend, starting with this funny which has made its way to me via email, Facebook, and Twitter!
And as always, Bama Foundation provides us with a great hype video for the new year:
And let’s not forget these gems courtesy of the U of A Athletic Department!
And to any Bama fan who’s never been, I highly recommend visiting the Paul W. Bryant Museum.
And who can forget, our favorite taunt?
ROLL TIDE ROLL!
Humpday Hilarities
August 25, 2010 by Nicki
Today’s funnies start off with these two from Don:
Baby’s First Doctor Visit
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
‘Breast-fed,’ she replied..
‘Well, strip down to your waist,’ the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ‘No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.’
‘I know,’ she said, ‘I’m his Grandma, but I’m glad I came.’
Subject: Important Information from the CDC
The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of this old disease. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim. It’s pronounced “Gonna re-elect ‘em.”
The disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior involving putting your cranium up your rectum. Many victims contracted it in 2008…but now most people, after having been infected for the past 1-2 years, are starting to realize how destructive this sickness is.
It’s sad because Gonorrhea Lectim is easily cured with a new drug just coming on the market called Votemout. You take the first dose in 2010 and the second dose in 2012 and simply don’t engage in such behavior again; otherwise, it could become permanent and eventually wipe out all life as we know it.
Several states are already on top of this, like Virginia and New Jersey, and apparently now Massachusetts, with many more seeing the writing on the wall.
Please pass this important message on to all those bright folk you really care about.
This funny is courtesy of Cookie:
There’s an old sea story about a ship’s Captain who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad. The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.
The first mate responded, “Aye, aye sir, I’ll see to it immediately!”
The first mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, “The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear.” He continued, “Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, and Brown, you change with Schultz. Now GET TO IT!”
THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS:
Someone may come along and promise “Change”, but don’t count on things smelling any better.
This one is courtesy of my mother:
My Dogs
This morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare. At first the lady said, “Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare”. So I explained to her that my dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can’t speak English and have no damned clue who their daddies are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care, and also feel guilty because they are dogs.
So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify. My dogs get their first checks Friday. This is a great country.
And last but not least, the latest cartoon from Simon’s Cat:
Humpday Hilarities
August 18, 2010 by Nicki
Today’s funnies start off with this one courtesy of I Can Has Cheezburger?:
This one is courtesy of Cookie:
And last but not least, this one I snagged from Jeff on Facebook:
Humpday Hilarities
July 28, 2010 by Nicki
Today’s funnies start off with these from Cookie:
You can’t fix stupid
My husband was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though he knew that he was not speeding.
Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed.
He tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while he rolled past at a snail’s pace.
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
Nope, you can’t fix stupid.
My wife asked me, “How many women have you slept with?”
I proudly replied, “Only you, Darling. With all the others, I was awake.”
Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 AM to 8 PM.
A preacher said, “Anyone with ‘special needs’? Who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar.”
With that, Marvin got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, “Marvin, what do you want me to pray about for you?”
Marvin replied, “Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing.” The preacher put one finger of one hand in Marvin’s ear, placed his other hand on top of Marvin’s head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a “blue streak” for Marvin, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, “Marvin, how is your hearing now?”
Marvin answered, “I don’t know. It ain’t ’til Thursday.”
And here’s one of those moments when nature gets a little too “natural”:
Humpday Hilarities
June 9, 2010 by Nicki
This morning we have a few goodies courtesy of my pal Cookie:
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, “I’ve got some bad news. You have cancer, and you’d best put your affairs in order.” The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
“Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t well. I have cancer. So, let’s head to the club and have a martini.”
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman’s old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. “I’ve been diagnosed with AIDS.” The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman’s daughter leaned over and whispered, “Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?”
“Because I don’t want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I’m gone.”
And THAT, my friends, is what is called “Putting Your Affairs In Order.”
Thought for the Day
Women are like phones:
They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected.
And this one is courtesy of one of my guildies:
Humpday Hilarities
May 13, 2010 by Nicki
Sorry for the delay … was experiencing some difficulties yesterday.
This week’s funnies start off with this one from Cookie:
This one is courtesy of Not Always Right:
Someone calls a hotel looking for directions there.
Caller: “Hi. I’m trying to find you, but seem a bit lost.”
Hotel Staff: “That’s no problem. Do you approximately where you are?”
Caller: “Nova Scotia.”
Staff: “That’s good, but I will need a bit more information. Are you in Halifax or Dartmouth?”
Caller: “Canada.”
Staff: “Do you know which city you are in?”
Caller: “Canada.”
Staff: “Canada is the country. Which area of the city are you in. Do you know which road you are on?”
Caller: “No.”
Staff: “Where have you driven from?”
Caller: “My aunt’s house.”
Staff: “Do you know your aunt’s address?”
Caller: “She lives in Nova Scotia.”
Staff: “Can you see any signs or landmarks?”
Caller: “I have some water on my right and some trees on my left.”
Staff: “Any shops or gas stations?”
Caller: “No.”
Staff: “You will need to keep going straight and call me back as soon as you see a sign or can stop at a gas station or shop and ask for help.”
Caller: “I thought you were guest services. Why won’t you help me?”
Staff: “I am trying, but need a basic idea where you are.”
Caller: *shouting* “I’m. In. Canada!”
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