Currently browsing: Video

Humpday Hilarities

I have quite a few funnies for this week!

This first one is from Deb:

First Degree

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde) picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, ‘How should I know, that’s 200 miles from here!’ and hung up.

The husband said, ‘Who was that?’ The wife said, ‘I don’t know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.’

This one is from Darron:

“The other night I was invited out for a night with the “girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!” Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when totally smashed … 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 Cuckoos – MIDNIGHT!

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in … I told him “MIDNIGHT”…. He didn’t seem pissed off in the least. Whew … I got away with that one! Then he said “We need a new cuckoo clock.”

When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, “oh shit.” Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.”

This one is from Don:

DaVinci Code

Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:

It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old!

The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The president of the society pointed to first drawing and said: “This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them.”

“Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn’t grow, they seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.”

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, “Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left. It says: Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Chick.”

And last but not least, this is something Uncle Monster sent me. I am a huge fan of Billy Mays and will miss watching his antics on Pitchmen. My sincerest and deepest sympathies go out to his loved ones. He had a wonderful wit and always seemed to be having a good time. Here’s a cute video of him going through a McDonald’s drive-through being … himself.

Ode to Cute

Had a good weekend. Jim, Jess, and I went down to Prattville and saw Jim’s mother. We did a bit of shopping, sight-seeing, and had some really awesome barbecue (I’m talking giving Green Top a run for its money good!!!). It rained all the way down there, and all the way back. I’m so sick of all this rain, it’s giving me headaches out the wazoo.

I woke up this morning with a headache and have been in a bit of a mood. Traffic was unreal this morning, so I was late to work. I stayed up late last night watching the Armageddon/2012 specials on the History channel, so I’m tired and a little cranky. (and when I don’t get enough sleep, I’m more prone to having a headache!)

I did get a little happy moment this morning … this bit of cute was posted to my friend Sangi’s LiveJournal:

Beaker was always one of my favorite Sesame Street characters, and I thought that was just too cute not to share!

Merry Christmas, Happy Solstice and Merry Yule, y’all!

 

And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”

Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests.”

When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let’s go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.”

So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.

– Luke 2:8-20 NIV

Christmas comes early for some …

I received an email today from Soldiers’ Angels notifying me that the infantry where two of my soldiers are has a “mailstop.” This means only one thing …

THEY ARE COMING HOME!!!!

I know their families have got to be so excited!

God bless you, Casey and Steven. Wherever you are and wherever you’re headed, I wish you a safe trip.

Thank You!

Whenever I’m out and about and see a soldier or veteran, I always go up to them and thank them for their service and hand them a small Soldiers’ Angels card. Something Jessie said a while back sticks in the back of my mind every time I meet one … she said, “‘Thank you’ doesn’t seem like enough.”

I know what she means. For such a small phrase and gesture, I hope I’m able to make a big impact on that person, or the people around them. And I hope I come across as truly grateful.

To all troops, veterans, and their families: you have my thanks, gratitude, and support. May God bless you, and those who love and support you!

We’re outta here!

Welp, I’m finishing up wrapping tonight and we’ll pack up the car early tomorrow to head out of town for a bit.

My overnight bag’s packed tighter than a Ju Ju Be, LOL!

Hopefully I’ll have some goodies to share when I get back.

I hope everyone has a safe and very Merry Christmas!

Tide, get ready to ROLL!

H/T: Beth C

ROLL TIDE ROLL!

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funny comes courtesy of my Cotillion sister, Cassandra:

My budding writer

Jessie’s class has been learning to write essays over the past couple weeks. That girl loves to write and I’ve read several of her stories that she’s written on her own. She has a great imagination, and I told her that she should keep writing even if it’s just for fun. (after all, I got my poetry and for a short time did write several short stories and published two of them)

So far, for her assignments, she’s written about karate and cartoons — two subjects she knows very well. LOL! Her assignment this week has been to write a description 5 paragraph essay. She was showing it to me last night — she wrote about dogs. She mentioned that her teacher encouraged her to write about something else (as the majority of the class wrote about animals!), and she was stumped and out of ideas.

I named off several things that she knows well: her various video games (UT!!), Harry Potter, Webkinz (too much like animals she said), Neopets, … she rejected them all and I was running out of ideas. Looking over across the den, we have a box of wedding stuff waiting to go into storage. I suggest writing about her part in the wedding. No dice. My next suggestion: How about the honeymoon?

“Huh?” LOL, she gave me a puzzled look that made me laugh, “You know, Disney World?”

Her face lit up like the 4th of July. Eureka! I hit gold. :mrgreen:

She scrapped the paper she had previously written and started at once writing a new one. She let me read it just before bedtime last night and she wrote more about the hotel cafeteria and pool than the Disney World park itself. LOL!

Good thing we went there instead of the royal caribbean cruise I had been eying, hehe.

So my little budding writer was all happy and giddy when I left for work this morning. She was still talking about the paper she wrote last night and can’t wait for her teacher to read it.

That’s my girl! :cool:

Happy Buy A Gun Day!

Today’s my birthday. Even worse, it’s Tax Day. I’ve always hated that. As I tweeted just a little while ago, if one more person says to me, “Oh, you’re a tax baby!” I’m gonna slug ‘em!

Screw the IRS, this is *MY* day!

However, according to Beth, today is also known as Buy A Gun Day. I can dig that! :mrgreen:

“Democrats believe every day is April 15. Republicans believe that every day is July 4.” — Ronald Reagan

There … feelin’ happy. Now how ’bout we celebrate with a little song? :twisted:

Lyrics: (courtesy of Moron Pundit)

I want to keep my money
And give away absolutely nothing
To the government who moderates my spending
and obliterates depending on what time of the year
brutality is near

in the form of income tax
I’d rather take a fucking ax
to my face, blow up this place

with you all in it, I’d do it in a minute

If I could write off your murder
I’d save all of my receipts
because I’d rather you be dead
than lose a tiny shred of what I made this fiscal year

I’d rather you be dead than ponder parting with my second home
I’d rather you be dead than consider not opening a restaurant

I’d rather you be dead
I’d rather you be dead

Prepare the laser-beam
I’m gonna use it tonight

Engage the laser-beam
It’s gonna end your life

I’m gonna use it tonight

If I could write off your murder
I’d save all of my receipts
because I’d rather you be dead
than lose a tiny shred of what I made this fiscal year

I’d rather you be dead than ponder parting with my second home
I’d rather you be dead than consider not opening a restaurant.

Big thanks to Beth for the reminder. I love love *LOVE* Metalocalypse! :cool:

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funny comes courtesy of Cute Overload:

Holy sticky-footed felines, Batman!

This was posted to Stuff on My Cat a little while ago …

… it might be a good idea to lock your screen doors and hide the birdies and fishies! Yikes!

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funny comes from my darling husband:

Next Page »