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Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start off with this one from my favorite daily reads:

This one is from Don:

Bank robber in Minnesota

A hooded robber burst into a Minnesota bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave Minnesota customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robbers face. The robber shot the customer without a moments hesitation. He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone in the bank, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, “Well, did anyone else see my face?”

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly to afraid to speak. Then, one old Norwegian named Ole from Minnesota tentatively raised his hand and said, “My wife got a pretty good look at you.”

This one is from my Cotillion sister, Kat:

A guy walks into a bar, and a robot bartender comes up and asks,”What’ll you have?” The guy says, “Martini.” The robot asks, “What’s your IQ?” The guy says, “150.” The robot starts talking about physics, philosophy and insider Freddie Mercury jokes.

Intrigued, the guy goes back the next week. The same scenario takes place, but when the robot asks his IQ, the guy says, “100.” The robot launches into discussions about football, NASCAR, and whether Lindsay Lohan’s boobs are real.

The next week the guy goes in, same sequence of events, but this time when the IQ question comes up he says, “50.”

The robot leans in and whispers, “Are you guys sorry you voted for Obama yet?”

And last but not least, one from Cookie:

Happy 4th of July

I hope everyone is having a great holiday weekend. It’s rained here all weekend, so the headaches have been abundant, but luckily my meds have helped tremendously with that and have been able to enjoy most of my weekend.

This morning I read an email from one of my Cotillion sisters linking to an article by Dennis Prager outlining a ceremony suggestion for honoring the holiday. He’s succinctly summed up several key points about our Independence Day that I think a lot of people have forgotten, and I’d like to share them here.

Today, we take a few minutes to remember what the Fourth of July is about and to remind ourselves how fortunate we are to be Americans. Before America was a nation, it was a dream — a dream shared by many people, from many nations, over many generations.

It began with the Pilgrims in 1620, who fled Europe so that they could be free to practice their religion. It continued through the 17th century, as more and more people arrived in a place that came to be known as the New World. In this new world, where you were from didn’t matter; what mattered was where you were headed.

As more and more people settled, they started to see themselves as new people — Americans. They felt blessed: The land was spacious. The opportunities limitless. By 1776, a century and a half after the first Pilgrims landed, this new liberty-loving people was ready to create a new nation.

And on July 4 of that year, they did just that. They pronounced themselves to be free of the rule of the English king. We know this statement as the Declaration of Independence.

…

Three ideas summarize what America is all about. They are engraved on every American coin. They are “Liberty,” “In God We Trust” and “E Pluribus Unum.”

“Liberty” means that we are free to pursue our dreams and to go as far in life as hard work and good luck will take us.

“In God We Trust” means that America was founded on the belief that our rights and liberties have been granted to us by the Creator. Therefore they cannot be taken away by people.

“E Pluribus Unum” is a Latin phrase meaning “From Many, One.” Unlike other countries, America is composed of people of every religious, racial, ethnic, cultural and national origin — and regards every one of them as equally American. Therefore, “out of many (people we become) one” — Americans.

As we gather with friends and loved ones enjoying the festivities, let us also remember this holiday’s origin and meaning.

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s first funny is courtesy of my Cotillion sister, Kat:

AIRPORT BODY SCANNER SOLUTION

Wonder why nobody thought of this before?

Here’s a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports: All we need to do is develop a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have hidden on or in your body. The explosion will be contained within the sealed booth.

This would be a win-win for everyone.. There would be no racial profiling and the device would eliminate long and expensive trials, the person’s desire to kill himself would be satisfied…

This is so simple it’s brilliant!

I can see it now: you’re in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system, “Attention standby passengers, we now have a seat available on flight number…”

And this one is from my mother:

GENERAL PUBLIC NOTICE:

Re: My Dog

“Please be advised I am sick to death of receiving questions about my dog who mauled 3 Muslims sitting on a rug next to my back wall, 6 illegals wearing Barack Obama t-shirts, 4 Democrats wearing Nancy Pelosi t-shirts, 5 phone operators who asked me to press 1 for English, 9 teenagers with their pants hanging down past their butt cracks, 8 customer service desk people speaking in broken English, and 10 flag burners.

For the last time … THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE!!!”

Humpday Hilarities

Note: I realize I’m a day early … got my days mixed up and set it to auto-post Tuesday instead of Wednesday, LOL!

Today’s funnies start off with this one from my mother:

GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS …

Garden Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here’s why:

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. Terrified, she let out a very loud scream. The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for It. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor. His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out. About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That’s when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa. The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor’s wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband’s mouth on the woman’s mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man’s throat.By now, the police had arrived.

Breathe here…

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring In their plants for the night.

And that’s when he shot her.

These two are via my lovely Cotillion sister, Fausta:

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes …

Here’s how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.’ Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said, “What’s for dinner, Zorro?”

FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY

In Florida, an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.

The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, “Case dismissed!”

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, “Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays.”

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, “But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant.”

The lawyer said, “Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists.”

The judge said, “The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, ‘The fool says in his heart, there is no God.’ Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned.”

You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start off with these from Furry Talk:

Feline Physics Laws

Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force — such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.

Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

Law of Cat Obstruction
A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.

Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat’s resistance varies in proportion to a human’s desire for her to do something.

First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat’s irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid- section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.

Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat’s interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn’t Matter.

And this one is courtesy of my Cotillion sister, Fausta:

Giving Up Wine

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, ‘If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?’

‘No, I had to stop drinking years ago’, the homeless woman told me.

‘Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?’ I asked.

‘No, I don’t waste time shopping,’ the homeless woman said. ‘I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.’

‘Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?’ I asked.

‘Are you NUTS!’ replied the homeless woman. I haven’t had my hair done in 20 years!’

‘Well, I said, ‘I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.’

The homeless woman was shocked. ‘Won’t your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting…’

I said, ‘That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.’

And last but not least, some Iron Bowl humor courtesy of Teresa:

Bad storm brewing!!!!

The National Weather Service in Mobile, Alabama is following a hurricane developing in the Gulf of Mexico said to be the size of Mount Cody with Ingram-sized hail and Julio lighting. The storm is moving at Richardson speeds and has McClain-force winds. If you are in the Auburn area you can kiss your ass good-bye, ’cause the Tide is gonna be rolling in.

ROLL TIDE ROLL!!!!

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start off with this one, courtesy of my pal Cookie:

Tom retired in his early 50′s and started a second career. However, even though he loved his new job, he just couldn’t seem to get to work on time. Every day, he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. Finally, one day, his boss called him into the office for a talk.

“Tom, I must tell you, I truly like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but being late for work nearly every day is quite annoying to me as well as your fellow workers.”

Tom replied, “Yes, sir, I know. I’m sorry, but I am working on it.”

“That’s what I like to hear,” his boss said. “However, the fact that you consistently come to work late does puzzle me because I understand that you retired from the United States Marine Corps, and they have some pretty rigid rules about tardiness. Isn’t that correct?”

“Yes. I did retire from the Marine Corps, and I’m mighty proud of it!” said Tom.

“Well, what did they say when you came in late?” asked his boss.

“They said, ‘Good morning, General’.”

This one is from my friend Adam:

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, ‘PULL OVER!’

‘NO!’ the blonde yelled back, ‘IT’S A SCARF!’

This one is courtesy of my Cotillion sister, Cassandra:

A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle — a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi.

That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening – red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze — perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get ‘those feelings’ again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn’t had sex for months. Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, ‘Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?’

And last but not least, this one from my friend Catina:

This is the true story of a garage owner in New Mexico. He was sick and tired of thugs breaking into his garage shop to steal tools, etc. so he came up with this idea… He put the word out that he had a new “mexican lion” that would attack anyone that would break in or climb his fence.

Would-be thieves saw the “lion” from a distance and fled the scene.

Humpday Hilarities

This morning’s first funny is courtesy of Uncle Monster:

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, “What are all those clocks?”

St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.”

“Oh”, said the man. “Whose clock is that?”

“That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”

“Incredible”, said the man. “And whose clock is that one?”

St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.”

“Where’s President Obama’s clock?”, asked the man.

“Obama’s clock is in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”

I may have posted something similar to this before, but it’s still one of my faves. Courtesy of my mother:

Only Southerners

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a “hissie fit” and a “conniption fit,” and that you don’t “HAVE” them, you “PITCH” them.

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc…, make up “a mess.”

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of “yonder.”

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long “directly” is, as in: “Going to town, be back directly.”

Even Southern babies know that “Gimme some sugar” is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.

All Southerners know exactly when “by and by” is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who’s got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor’s trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin’!

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between “right near” and “a right far piece.” They also know that “just down the road” can be 1 mile or 20.

Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol’ boy, and po’ white trash.

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

A Southerner knows that “fixin” can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, … and when we’re “in line,”… we talk to everybody!

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they’re related, even if only by marriage.

In the South, “y’all” is singular, “all y’all” is plural.

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

When you hear someone say, “Well, I caught myself lookin’,” you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

Only true Southerners say “sweet tea” and “sweet milk.” Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it — we do not like our tea unsweetened. “Sweet milk” means you don’t want buttermilk.

And a true Southerner knows you don’t scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, “Bless her heart,” and go your own way.

To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!

And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, … bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin’ to have classes on Southernness as a second language!

And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y’all need a sign to hang on y’all’s front porch that reads “I ain’t from the South, but I got here as fast as I could!”

The emphasis on the tea thing is mine. It never ceases to amaze me how many of my clients don’t understand my passion for good sweet tea.

Moving right along, this funny is courtesy of my pal Don:

Secret Code

After the new president has been in office for 6 months it is customary for the last president to send a note of congratulations to the new one. So when the note came from Bush to Obama, the president was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was: 370H-SSV-0773H

This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged. So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it.

They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message. They called in the chief of staff and the head of the Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the note. Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House. They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.

Now there was complete panic in the oval office. They called all of their contacts in the media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not one was able to come up with an answer.

A special emergency meeting was called by the staff.. All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code. After a sleepless night, a now humbled President Obama picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note.

Bush chuckled and replied, “You’re holding the note upside down!”

And last but certainly not least, this funny is courtesy of my Cotillion sister, Kat:

Patriot Microchip

The Patriot Microchip is intended to be implanted in terrorists. The implant is specifically designed to be installed in the forehead. When properly installed it will allow the implantee to speak to God.

It comes in various sizes:

The exact size of the implant will be selected by a well-trained and highly-skilled technician. The implant may or may not be painless …

Side effects, such as headaches and nausea, are temporary. Some bleeding or swelling may occur at the injection site.

Please enjoy the security we provide for you.

Best regards,

The United States Marines

Humpday Hilarities

Sorry that this is being posted a day later than normal, a few snags prevented me from posting yesterday. However, said snags have been sacked.

Without further ado, this funny is courtesy of my Cotillion sister, Fausta:

The Funniest Staff Meeting Ever

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.

The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone!

The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
8. Viagra, like a rock !
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra , Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs. Any questions?

This one comes from one of my coworkers:

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funny is courtesy of my Cotillion sister, Kat:

A Redneck from North Carolina walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Bakersfield on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest..

Later, the bank’s president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank’s private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, ‘Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?’

The good ‘ole Tar Heel boy replied, ‘Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?’

His name was BUBBA…

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start off with these from my Cotillion sister, Janette:

The Atheist

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. “What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out: “Oh my God!…” Time stopped.

The bear froze. The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: “You deny My existence for all of these years, teach others I don’t exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect Me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?”

The atheist looked directly into the light, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?”

“Very well,” said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:

“Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord Amen.”

BEAR HUNTING

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, “That was my cousin and you’ve got two choices … Either I maul you to death or we have sex.”
After considering briefly, Frank decided to accede to the latter alternative. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.

He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, “That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you’ve got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex.” Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him very sadly and said, “Admit it, Frank, you don’t come here for the hunting, do you?”

The Mother-In-Law

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife cried, “What are we going to do?”
“Nothing,” said the hunter husband. “The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.”

And this one is from my pal, Rose:

This is even funnier when you realize it’s real! Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

~~Hi Sharon,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you’ve been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it’s not so bad after all . Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It’s a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool.

So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I’ve used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It’s like working in a Hot-Tub.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don’t have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn’t stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn’t shit for two days because my ass was swollen shut.

So, next time you’re having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass. Now repeat to yourself, ‘I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.’ Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?, or do I love my job.

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!

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