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Humpday Hilarities – Birthday Edition

Before I get started, I’d like to thank everyone for the warm birthday wishes. Y’all really make my day.

This first funny is courtesy of Don:

How did you break your arm?

Even if you aren’t a skier, you’ll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written by a New Orleans paper:

A friend just got back from a holiday skiing trip to Utah With The kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody’s heart.

Conditions were perfect…12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over…the “Tell me when we’re having fun” kind of day.

One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a rest room. He told her not to worry, that he was Sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a Powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the Pain did not go away. If you’ve ever had nature hit its panic button, you then you know that a temperature of 12 below doesn’t help matters.

With time running out, the woman weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods and no one would even notice. He assured her, “The white will provide more than adequate camouflage.”

So she headed for the tree line, began lowering her ski pants and proceeded to do her thing. If you’ve ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set your skis so you don’t move.

Yup, you got it!!! She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are not forgiving… even during the most embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control, Racing through the trees…somehow missing all of them and onto another slope.

Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while. She continued backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers. The woman skied back under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon.

The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie show, then summoned the ski patrol. They transported her to a hospital.

While in the emergency room, a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers. “So, how’d you break your leg?” she asked, making small talk. “It was the stupidest thing you ever saw,” he said. “I was riding up this ski lift and suddenly, I couldn’t believe my eyes! There was this crazy woman skiing backward, out-of-control, down the mountain, with her bare bottom hanging out of her pants. I leaned over to get a better look and fell out of the lift….

So, how’d you break your arm?”

And these are courtesy of my Cotillion sister, Janette:

The Talking Dog

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scount. “This dog can speak English,” he claims to the unimpressed agent. “Okay, Sport,” the guys says to the dog, “what’s on the top of a house?”

“Roof!” the dog replies.

“Oh, come on…” the talent agent responds. “All dogs go ‘roof’.”

“No, wait,” the guy says. He asks the dog “what does sandpaper feel like?”

“Rough!” the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience.

“No, hang on,” the guy says. “This one will amaze you. ” He turns and asks the dog: “Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?”

“Ruth!” goes the dog. And the talent scount, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street.

And the dog turns to the guy and says “Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?”

Alligator Shoes

A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However he was not prepared to pay the high prices, and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting. “I don’t give two hoots for your shoes man, I’ll go and kill my own gator!” to which the shopkeeper replied,

“By all means, just watch out for those two good ole boys who are doing the same!”

So the man went out into the Bayou, and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. ‘They must be the good ole boys,’ he thought. Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The guy stood completely passive, even as the gator came ever closer.

Just as the beast was about to swallow the him, he struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several gators were already laying. Together the two guys threw the gator onto its back, whereupon one exclaimed “Darn! This one don’t have no shoes neither!”

The License

A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date. “Mommy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?”

“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother warns. It is not polite.”

“OK,” the little girl says, “How much do you weigh?”

“Now really,” the mother says, “these are personal questions and are really none of your business.”

Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and daddy get a divorce?”

“Those are enough questions, honestly!” The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

“My Mom wouldn’t tell me anything,” the little girl says to her friend.

“Well,” said the friend, “all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it.”

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are, you are 32.”

The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?”

“I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.” The mother is past surprise and shock now.

“How in heavens name did you find that out?”

And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.”

“Oh really?” the mother asks. “Why?”

“Because you got an F in sex.”

Origins

A 2nd grader asked her mother the age-old question, “How did I get here?”

Her mother told her, “God sent you.”

“Did God send you, too?” asked the child.

“Yes, Dear,” the mother replied.

“What about Grandma and Grandpa?” the child persisted.

“He sent them also” the mother said.

“Did he send their parents, too?” asked the child.

“Yes, Dear, He did,” said the mother patiently.
“So you’re telling me that there has been NO sex in this family for 200 years? No wonder everyone’s so damn grumpy around here.”

A lonely woman, age 70, decided it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70′S)
MUST NOT BEAT ME
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON

On the second day she heard the door bell ring. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said “You’re not really asking me to consider you? You have no legs.”

The Old Man smiled, “Therefore I cannot run around on you.”

She snorted, “You don’t have any arms either.”

Again he smiled, “Nor can I beat you.”

She raised her eyebrow and gazed intently, “Are you still good in bed?”

With that the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, ” I rang the doorbell didn’t I?”

And this one is from my Cotillion sister, Kathleen:

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.

I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down and sweated for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

And last but not least, this is from my pal Sarah:

What if WWII were an MMORTS

(MMORTS = Massively Multiplayer Online Real Time Strategy)

It’s written like a chat log between a handful of gamers, except it pretty well sums up World War II. There’s a bit of language, but funny as hell if you like gaming/history humor.

Humpday Hilarities

This funny bit is courtesy of my mother:

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington D.C. and those assholes took $95.00 in taxes.

This one is courtesy of one of my co-workers:

Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O’Brian grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas, Patrick developed cancer, and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, Shawn, “O’Brian, come ‘ere. I ‘ave a request for ye.” Shawn walked to his friend’s bedside and kneels.

“Shawny ole boy, we’ve been friends all our lives, and now I’m leaving ‘ere. I ‘ave one last request fir ye to do.”

O’Brian burst into tears, “Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It’s done.”

“Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I’ll be able to enjoy it for all eternity.”

O’Brian was overcome by the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend’s request, he asked, “Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?”

And last but certainly not least, this one is courtesy of my Cotillion sister, Fausta:

The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation’s capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near.

“Yes, Father?” said the nurse.

“I would really like to see Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi before I die”, whispered the priest.

“I’ll see what I can do, Father” replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to them and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived. Harry and Nancy would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, Harry commented to Nancy, “I don’t know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images.” Nancy couldn’t help but agree.

When they arrived at the priest’s room, the priest took Nancy’s hand in his right hand and Harry’s hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest’s face.

Finally Nancy spoke. “Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?”

The old priest slowly replied, “I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.”

The old priest continued…”He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same.”

Humpday Hilarities

Courtesy of my Cotillion sister, Beth C:

Posted to Craig’s List Personals:

To the Guy Who Mugged Me Downtown (Downtown, Birmingham )

Date: 2009-01-06, 3:43AM EST

I was the white guy with the brown Burberry leather jacket that you demanded I hand over shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend’s purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come across this message. I’d like to apologize.

I didn’t expect you to crap your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, because it wasn’t that cold outside. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that COLT 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh? It’s a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn’t it?

I know it probably wasn’t a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you’d come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your jockey shorts. I’m sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. I couldn’t have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again. I took the liberty of calling your mother, or “Momma” as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself some gas on your card. I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go’s, along with all of the cash in your wallet, then I threw the wallet itself in a dumpster.

I also called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell. They’ll be on your bill in case you’d like to know which ones. SoBell recently shut down the line, and I’ve only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don’t know what’s going on with that. I hope they haven’t permanently cut off your service. I was about to make some threatening phone calls to the DA’s office with it. Oh well.

So, about your pants. I know that I was a little rough on you when you did this whole attempted mugging thing, so I’d like to make it up to you. I’m sure you’ve already washed your jockey shorts and your pants, so I’d like to help you out. I’d like to reimburse you for the detergent you used on the pants. What brand did you use, and was it liquid or powder? I’d also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I’m hoping that you’ll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky. If you read this message, email me and we’ll do lunch and laundry. Peace!

– Alex

And this one is courtesy of Scott Allan:

Alabama Judge gives 7 year old right to decide custody.

Birmingham , Al, December 31, 2008

A seven year old boy was at the center of a county courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy had a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Auburn University Football Team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

Roll Tide!!!

Humpday Hilarities

This funny bit comes courtesy of my Cotillion sister, Vivian:

11 People on a Rope

Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter, 10 men and 1 woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren’t able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping …

Not to be out-done, one of my co-workers sent me this one:

And finally, this one from Steve:

Holiday Fruitcake Recipe

Ingredients:
1 C Water
1 C Sugar
4 Large eggs
3 C dried fruit
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. salt
1 C Brown sugar
Lemon juice, nuts
1 FULL bottle of your favorite whiskey

Directions:

• Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
• Take out a large bowl.
• Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality.
• Pour 1 level cup and drink. Repeat.
• Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 C of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
• Add 1 tsp. sugar and beat again.
• Make sure the whiskey is still OK.
• Cry another cup. Turn off the mixer.
• Break two geggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
• Mix on the burner.
• If the fried fruit gets stuck in the beaters,
• Pry it loose with a screwdriver.
• Sample the whiskey to check for toxisisticity.
• Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey.
• Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
• Add one tablespoon of sugar or something…whatever you can find.
• Grease the oven. Turn on the cake tin to 350 degrees.
• Don’t forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window.
• Check the whiskey again. Go to bed. Who the hell likes fruit cake anyway???

Humpday Hilarities

This morning’s funny comes courtesy of my Cotillion sister, Fausta:

Yesterday I was at my local Target buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Sheriff, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.

I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.

The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Target won’t let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

Tide, get ready to ROLL!

H/T: Beth C

ROLL TIDE ROLL!

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funny comes courtesy of my Cotillion sister, Cassandra:

For what are you thankful?

During our Thanksgiving celebratory lunch today at work, someone posed this question: “For what are you thankful?” Most everyone had the same answers: family, work, health, …

The merriment continued, and a good time was had by all. After a round of desserts, I went back to my desk and quietly reflected. I would add one more item to that list of things for which I’m thankful — freedom. My Cotillion sister, RightwingSparkle summed it up nicely in her post earlier today: Freedom. It isn’t free, and it isn’t a gift.

While we were on vacation, I had the opportunity to meet a couple veterans and a soldier who were staying in our hotel, vacationing with their families. As I do here at home, I thanked them for their service and handed them a card with the Soldiers’ Angels information on it. One morning at breakfast, I thanked a Vietnam vet. He looked at me with warm, grateful eyes and stammered a quiet “Thank You.” His wife came by our table and thanked me a few minutes later with tears in her eyes.

No one had ever thanked him for his service.

As I’ve stated before, too often we take our liberties for granted. Sadly, those who have made those liberties possible, along with those who now defend them, don’t get anything near the recognition and thanks that they deserve. It saddens me to think that many never have, or quite possibly, never will.

Tomorrow, when you are thinking about those things for which you’re thankful, please remember freedom. If you get the chance, thank a soldier or thank a veteran. And if you are of the praying kind, please remember those in uniform who are out there defending our freedom.

Will you meet me under the Liberty Tree?

This morning I received an invitation from my Cotillion sister, Beth of Blue Star Chronicles:

Defend Liberty

An Allegory to Liberty

Do you remember The Liberty Tree and the story that surrounds it? There was an old elm tree that stood in Boston Commons in the days before the American Revolution. It was a beautiful old tree that became a real rallying point – a symbol really – for the growing resistance to the rule of England over the feisty American colonies. Called ‘The Liberty Tree,’ it was often decorated with banners and lanterns by ‘the resisters’ and used in communicating their secret messages to each other. Their meetings were regularly held there to express views against the Crown and to vent frustrated emotions.

When the news of The Liberty Tree spread throughout the colonies, local patriots in each of the 13 colonies formed a ‘Sons of Liberty’ group (or network of sorts) and identified a large tree to be used as a meeting place. In those times, holding an unauthorized assembly was really dangerous business that carried threats of imprisonment or death so the usual places to plot and plan were out of the question. But, the casual appearance of a group chatting beneath a tree seemed much, much safer!

As resistance to the British grew, flags bearing a representation of The Liberty Tree were flown to symbolize the unwavering spirit of liberty itself. These flags were later a common sight during the battles of the American Revolution.

The British made The Liberty Tree an object of great ridicule and scorn. However, the ridicule and scorn were simply ‘just words’ and many from that day forward said it was under The Liberty Tree that America was born, giving its sons and daughters a legacy of liberty.

Liberty is Under Attack

Today, our country faces a threat from abroad and a threat – in the form of ideological conflict – from within. With the coming of a new administration and the promise of a more bloated and opportunistic government, the need for citizens to resist complacency and to let their voices be heard, has led to a rekindling of the spirit that founded The Sons (and Daughters) of Liberty.

We at Right Pundits have established a network comprised of blogging patriots who understand that it is the duty of each of us to champion the principles of liberty, freedom, an educated engaged citizenry and representative government. Our network is called ‘The Liberty Tree’ and we are asking you to join us!

In becoming a member of The Liberty Tree Network, you will join an informed community of bloggers that, instead of offering nothing but clever yet empty rhetoric, will actively support and promote liberty, civic responsibility, national security, and the American heritage as our Founding Fathers intended.

We will actively work to expose lies and propaganda of incoming administration and the main stream media while being diligent to maintain honor, truthfulness and integrity in our own reporting.

Join The Liberty Tree Network Today!

The Liberty Tree Network uses a feature of feedburner that allows blogs to group their posts together into a common “network feed.” This feed is separate from your normal feedburner feed which remains on your blog. The latest posts from network members will display on all member sites who place the feed on their blog, so for a short time each of your posts will be highly visible across the network. See what the display looks like in the lower right sidebar on this page.

First step is to put the network feed by copying this code to your blog:
[ get the code at http://www.rightpundits.com/?page_id=2379 ]

Second, Email us at libertytree [at] rightpundits [dot] com and we will send you an invitation to add your own feed into the list. Once you are added to the network, your blog posts will be seen on all the member blogs. You must have a feedburner feed for this to work.

Participation in The Liberty Tree requires that you display the code on your blog, preferably your homepage for the benefit of all members. The code is configured to display the 5 latest posts from the network, but you can choose to increase that number. This will always be the latest posts regardless of who made them.

Who will stand with me?

Welcome aboard, Barracuda! :)

I had read a few rumors last night and was very pleased this morning to read (first on CNBC, then the Chicago Tribune) that Alaska Governor Sarah “Barracuda” Palin will be John McCain’s running mate.

SWEET!

Nicknamed “Barracuda” by her high school basketball team mates, Palin will, IMO, be a smart choice. Not only does she bring executive experience to the table, she’s a big supporter of our troops (a HUGE plus in my book!) as well as the global war on terrorism. She’s against wasteful government spending. Some prime examples of this: once she was in office, she got rid of the governor’s private plane and limo. She takes commercial flights and takes her SUV.

She has had a 80-90% approval rate. Guys will like her because not only is she pretty, she also hunts, fishes, and is an overall outstanding outdoorswoman. She’s a mother of 5, and will no doubt make a great Vice President.

In short: She is a man’s woman and a woman’s woman.

You can find a great bio here. Don’t take my word for it, look it up!

(H/T’s: Beth, Tammy Swofford, Bear Creek Ledger, Brian McDaniel, Zoey’s Blatherings)

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