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Humpday Hilarities

Howdy funny fans! Today’s edition starts off with this one from I Has a Hotdog:

This next one comes from Adam on Facebook:

This next one is from Cookie:

Why Many Athletes Can’t Have Regular Jobs:

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: “I wan’ all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan’ all the kids to copulate me.”

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: “I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.”

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the ‘Skin’s say: “I’d run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,” Matt Millen of the Raiders said: “To win, I’d run over Joe’s Mom, too.”

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: “He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings..”

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: “Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: “I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.” (Now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: “You guys line up alphabetically by height..” And, “You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle.”

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: “Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton.”

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: “That’s so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes.”

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota: “He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is.”

11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: “My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt. (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player: “I asked him, ‘Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?’ He said, ‘Coach, I don’t know and I don’t care.’”

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F’s and one D: “Son, looks to me like you’re spending too much time on one subject.”

14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford: “I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious.”

15. Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: “Because she’s too damn ugly to kiss good-bye.”

A big Thank You to everyone who sends me funnies. Keep ‘em coming!

Humpday Hilarities

Forgive me, y’all, I’m a day late. Still playing catch-up at work and riding my new car high, hehehe. So let’s get started!

This week’s funnies start with this from Cookie:

Ya just gotta love British honesty and humor

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour’s dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is… ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

These are courtesy of one of my favorite sites, I Has a Hotdog:

I think I should put that one up in my cube some days!

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start with this one, the latest edition of Simon’s Cat:

This one is courtesy of I Can Has Cheezburger:

This one is courtesy of BlackFive:

These next few are courtesy of dear ol’ Cookie:

HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES:

Dump the male flight attendants, no one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell!! They don’t even serve food anymore, so what’s the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a “party atmosphere” going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women. Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn’t need a salary, thus saving even more money.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right — a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset. Why didn’t Bush or Obama think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

Hey, he’d have MY vote!

HOW TO STOP THE CHURCH GOSSIP

Dorothy, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business. Several members did not approve of her extracurricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Harold, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one after noon.

She emphatically told Harold (and several others) that every one seeing it there WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING!

Harold, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment. He just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Harold quietly parked his pickup in front of Dorothy’s house, walked home, and left it there all night.

(You gotta love Harold!)

This last one is courtesy of Geekologie who posted a cute bit that combines the elements of two movies I love — Star Wars and The Princess Bride:

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start off with this one courtesy of I Can Has Cheezburger?:

This one is courtesy of Cookie:

And last but not least, this one I snagged from Jeff on Facebook:

When the ‘right way’ is the biggest PITA

This is one of those times when doing things “the right way” also happens to be the biggest pain in the ass…

I spent the last 2 hours messing around with a layout that I created a few weeks ago. I thought, “No problem, I’ll slice it up and throw the pieces in some DIVs and start on a new SharePoint layout.”

In the words of the immortal Vizzini … “You’d like to think that, wouldn’t you?!”

The problem I was having was that the left and right borders (background images) of the “main” div wouldn’t tile because I didn’t (couldn’t) set a height. So I looked ALL over the web, read up on every ‘clearfix‘ known to man, hundreds of X/HTML and CSS help boards, (and accidentally ran across this air tools site, not sure why it was in the search results!) and then FINALLY stumbled across this article on A List Apart. (and considering how long I spent looking for it, it’s titled appropriately! LOL!)

See? I *knew* it could be done, and remembered reading the article, but could not for the life of me remember where I saw it!!

And so now that my pretty layout is behaving, all I need to do is spending the next 3 weeks beating SharePoint into submission.

Smart lids prevent idiot burns?

You know those mental midgets who buy a cup of coffee, spill all over themselves, then sue the place where they bought it because it was too hot? (Like that numbnuts out on 280 not too long ago…) Well now there’s a coffee lid out there that will tell you if your coffee is too hot to drink:

(Courtesy of Geekologie)

Smart Lid

The Smart Lid is a color changing coffee lid designed to prevent idiots from burning themselves by getting more and more red depending on how hot the coffee is. If they cost about the same as regular coffee lids then sure, get them. Otherwise let’s stick with regular coffee lids and let natural selection work things out.

Kind of neat … but as one commenter pointed out:

I would think if you ordered HOT coffee, that would be warning enough.

“You’d like to think that, wouldn’t you?”

Oh well, maybe there’s hope … after all, we already have hair transplants, heart transplants, … how far away could brain transplants be? :lol:

Four things about me

Jim’s mom sent me this, and I’m gonna be a lazy smurf and post it here

FOUR THINGS you may not have known about me:

A) Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Babysitter
2. Drive-through cashier
3. Billing clerk
4. -

B) Four movies I would watch over and over:
1. Undercover Brother
2. Hellboy
3. The Princess Bride
4. Fifth Element

Honorary 5th: Star Wars
Honorary 6th: Monty Python and the Holy Grail

C) Four places I have lived:
1. Birmingham
2. Mobile
3. Corner
4. -

D) Four TV shows I love to watch:
1. CSI (original series)
2. Mythbusters
3. The Closer
4. Psyche

Honorary 5th: Monk

E) Four places I have been on vacation
1. Miami, FL
2. Sacramento, CA
3. Ybor City, FL
4. New Orleans, LA

G) Four of my favorite foods:
1. Tom Kha (Thai coconut soup)
2. Mom’s roast beef and gravy
3. Taco soup (YUM!)
4 Homemade turkey dressing

H) Four places I would rather be right now:
1. New Orleans, LA
2. Ybor City, FL
3. someplace warmer than here!!
4. someplace warmer than here!!

(LOL!)

I) Four people most likely to respond to this survey
1. Mara
2. Teresa
3. Ben
4. Jeff

Slush and burn

No update for WordPress and the weird date errors caused by the latest security patch, so I’m still a-holdin’.

The weekend was both fun and painful. :shock: I know, you’re shocked.

Let me ‘splain … no, there is too much, let me sum up:

Friday Jim and I took off work early and Jessie and I spent the afternoon watching the storms roll in and northward. I had convinced Jim’s ex to let us keep her Saturday, as I had a full day planned. Jessie and I did the Shoney’s breakfast thing — we hadn’t done that in ages, and it was good to get out and spend time together, just the two of us. We ran back to the house for just a few minutes and went over to Jim’s mother’s house to swim in her pool for a bit. We had originally planned on lunch at Bento’s for some Japanese, but I forgot they closed just after lunch, so we kicked it on up to Fire Mountain instead.

After lunch/dinner, we kicked it back to the pool and then at 5 we went over to Gardendale’s civic center complex for the Bluegrass Festival. It was a BLAST! I took some pictures and hope to have those up soon. Pity we left around 9. I never was able to get a playlist of who all was there and who was left to play. I heard a LOT of Carter and Cash songs that I knew and loved, as well as CDB and Hank Williams Sr/Jr.

Unfortunately I had gotten sunburned despite using 45 SPF sunblock. I know, I know, you would think pale glow-in-the-dark types such as myself would learn to stay out of the sun by now!

Bite me. ;P

So yeah, I spent yesterday sick because of the sunburn. I’m a crisp bright red in the face, shoulders, and back … I think I would’ve screamed if I heard one more “Hey, looks like you got a little sun!”

*slams face on desk*

Ow.

Oh well, it was worth it to see Jessie having such a good time.

And besides, I finally got the recipe for that awesome drink I had at Jim’s mom’s place a few weeks ago … she was even kind enough to send me a small bit to “nibble on” until I got a batch of my own made!

YUMMMMMMMM!!!