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Humpday Hilarities

This one comes courtesy of the lovely Miranda:

One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.” The Marine replied, “Sir, Mr. Obama is not President and doesn’t reside here”. The old man said, “Okay”, and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama”. The Marine again told the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is not President and doesn’t reside here”.

The man thanked him and again walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama”. The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I’ve told you already several times that Mr. Obama is not the President and doesn’t reside here. Don’t you understand?”

The old man answered, “Oh, I understand you fine, I just love hearing your answer!”

The Marine then snapped to attention, saluted and said, “See you tomorrow, Sir.”

And this one from my NP guildmate, Rose:

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine… and those who don’t.

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) – the bacteria found in feces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine and beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.

Therefore, it’s better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I’m doing it as a public service.

Sunday sundries

A couple things in today’s PostSecret struck me.

Party Lines

For many years in the circles in which I participated, I mostly kept my political leanings to myself. I always justified it as one’s political views were like his/her religious beliefs — they should be kept private and only shared with whom he/she trusted. Or at least, that’s what I told everyone … for a long time I never spoke up about my own views because so many of those I loved would shun anyone who didn’t share their views. Most of them were far left, and I’m … well, not.

But those who you love and/or love you shouldn’t care about which party you vote for, right?

Yeah, I used to think that …

Supermarket Melancholic Meandering

My heart really goes out to the sender of this one. For a long time, I couldn’t walk past the cat food isle without bursting into tears after Hobie passed away. Even now, I still feel pangs of sadness, and I have to keep looking straight ahead as I pass, or pretend to look elsewhere for fear of breaking down.

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funny comes courtesy of my mother:

Post Turtle

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Texas rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our President.

The old rancher said, “Well, ya know, Obama is a ‘post turtle’.” Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a ‘post turtle’ was. The old rancher said, “When you’re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a ‘post turtle’.”

The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor’s face, so he continued to explain. “You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t belong up there, he doesn’t know what to do while he is up there, and you just wonder what kind of a person put him up there.”

Humpday Hilarities

These two funny bits come courtesy of Cookie:

Sportsmanship……

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?” The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?” The little boy nodded yes.

“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?” Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, “And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach ‘a dumb ass’ is it?” Again the little boy nodded.

“Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.”

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Worn once by mistake . Call Stephanie.

And the best one:

FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition..
$1,000 or best offer. No longer needed,
Got married last month.
Wife knows everything.

And this one comes courtesy of my mother:

A teacher in Elmira , New York asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans. Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny. The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different..

Little Johnny says, ‘Because I’m not an Obama fan.’ The teacher says, ‘Why aren’t you an Obama fan?’ Johnny says, ‘Because I’m a Republican.’ The teacher asks him why he’s a Republican. Little Johnny answered, ‘Well, my mom’s a Republican and my dad’s a Republican, so I’m a Republican’ The teacher asks, ‘If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?’

With a big smile, Little Johnny replies, ‘That would make me an Obama fan.’

Obama’s blind spots and Vote for mom!

Lately I’ve been inundated with comments, articles, and general STUFF about Obama. I said it once, and I’ll say it again … the more I read about that man, the more he scares me. A couple people sent me this link, a post on ZardozZ detailing a very well put together article by the National Black Republican Association detailing some little known facts about the man.

Go. Click. Read … now!!!

Put down the bagel. Go read those web comics later. Stop surfing for auto insurance online or whatever it is you’re Googling … seriously. It never ceases to amaze me how many people who are planning to vote for that man, but no absolutely NOTHING about him, his views, or where he stands on which issues … but I digress.

Vote for Mom!

Anyways, after you go read that article, go vote for America’s Favorite Mom: Patti Bader, founder of Soldiers’ Angels!!! (also posted to SA of AL site!)

[ Note: voting requires registration ... might I suggest a disposable email address? ]

What’s in a name?

You know, when I was a teenager I absolutely abhorred my first name: Shannon. I hated that all of my school stuff had “Shannon” on it instead of “Nicki.” One year I absolutely insisted that my records be changed to reflect my nickname, which I’ve gone by all of my natural life. (The office ladies had a few giggles at my expense and sent me on my little defiant, albeit pissed off, way.) As I got older, I told myself, “Hey, my family has Scottish/Irish descent, and that’s definitely an Irish name. So chill.” I got over, for the most part.

However, to this day, I cringe if someone calls me by my full name and will insist upon being called “Nicki.”

I can’t help but laugh at all the hubbub about Obama and his full name being used in the media. “Hussein” Ok sure, we’ve known a few bad Husseins before. I can identify and sympathize … to an extent.

Seriously, what’s in a name? Would it be any more heinous if it were “Adolf”? Ok, maybe it would … but you get my point. If Obama were really that embarrassed or bothered by his name, he would have had it legally changed long ago. On the other hand, it gives conservatives something else to yuck about — and let’s face it, he’s given us plenty of material!

In an effort to show some sensitivity about his middle name, I propose we just refer to the first and last initials now: B.O. That has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it? Yeah, I thought so too. In fact, it struck me so funny that I whipped up a little something in Photoshop to celebrate it:

If you hadn’t caught on by now, that man scares me. And it has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with his name.

Update: Per a very creative suggestion by Cookie, there’s now a follow-up image:

Humpday Hilarities

My co-worker sent me today’s funny:

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. ‘Welcome to heaven,’ says St. Peter. ‘Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.’

‘No problem, just let me in,’ says the man.

‘Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.’

‘Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,’ says the senator.

‘I’m sorry, but we have our rules.’

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises…

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. ‘Now it’s time to visit heaven.’

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

‘Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.’

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: ‘Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.’

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ‘I don’t understand,’ stammers the senator. ‘Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?’

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ‘Yesterday we were campaigning… Today you voted.’

(Yes, I know … very similar to the Bill Gates/beta one. I like this one better ;p)

Snowballing

I’m now on Day three of the sickness. I feel like hammered shit. Throat hurts, head hurts, back hurts, and now I’m starting to cough uncontrollably. I can’t find any chocolate in this house (it’s my fault, I didn’t buy any so I wouldn’t eat it), my temperature’s back. And to top it all off, Fred Thompson just dropped out of the race.

Dammit, dammit, dammit!

I should’ve stayed in bed …

Please do not elect this ghastly orc

This was posted by Cookie earlier today. Now, I’ve always known that the HilldaBeast held a lot of contempt for our fine men and women in uniform. I remember hearing all kinds of stories about her and her husband when he was governor of Arkansas, but this truly takes the cake. To think that some people want to elect HER as our President is truly horrifying!

Cookie’s NOTE:…having been in Law Enforcement for many years, and having attended various seminars and symposiums over the years with other folks in Law Enforcement, I had heard some of these stories from brother LEO’s long before this E-mail started circulating the Internet and Cyber-Space….

Subject: NICE TALK…

Please do not be offended by these ridiculously malicious and hate filled tirades and please forgive me for forwarding this trash. But… we should all realize the vicious part ‘she’ so cleverly hides, and the slanted media never mentions. Snopes says its so….. Quotations from the woman who WILL be the next President if enough of us don’t challenge the media-soft peddling. …and I shouldn’t have to use this “Foul Language” (gif warning) when quoting a perspective Presidential Candidate….

—————————–

WHAT A SWEET LADY

“Where is the G-dam f***ing flag? I want the G-dam f***ing flag up every f***ing morning at f***ing sunrise.”

–From the book “Inside The White House” by Ronald Kessler, p. 244 (Hillary to the staff at the Arkansas Governor’s mansion on Labor Day, 1991)
—————————-

“You sold out, you m***er f***er! You sold out!”

-From the book “Inside” by Joseph Califano, p. 213 – (Hillary yelling at a Democrat lawyer.)
—————————–

“F*** off! It’s enough that I have to see you sh**-kickers every day, I’m not going to talk to you too!! Just do your G*dam job and keep your mouth shut.”

-From the book “American Evita” by Christopher Anderson, p. 90 – (Hillary to her State Trooper bodyguards after one of them greeted her with “Good Morning.”)

————————–

“You f** *ing idiot”

-From the book “Crossfire” p. 84 – (Hillary to a State Trooper who was driving her to an event.)
————————–

“If you want to remain on this detail, get your f***ing ass over here and grab those bags!”

–From the book “The First Partner” p. 259 – (Hillary to a Secret Service Agent who was reluctant to carry her luggage because he wanted to keep his hands free in case of an incident.)
————————–

“Get f***ed! Get the f*** out of my way!!! Get out of my face!!!”

–From the book “Hillary’s Scheme” p. 89 – (Hillary’s various comments to her Secret Service detail agents.)
————————-

“Stay the f*** back, stay the f*** away from me! Don’t come within ten yards of me, or else! Just f***ing do as I say, Okay!!!?”

-From the book “Unlimited Access”, by Clinton FBI Agent in Charge, Gary Aldrige, p. 139 – (Hillary screaming at her Secret Serv ice detail)
—————————-

“Where’s the miserable c**k sucker?”

-From the book “The Truth About Hillary” by Edward Klein, p. 5 – (Hillary shouting at a Secret Service officer)
—————————

“Put this on the ground! I left my sunglasses in the limo. I need those sunglasses. We need to go back!”

-From the book “Dereliction of Duty” p. 71-72 – (Hillary to Marine One helicopter pilot to turn back while en route to Air Force One.)
—————————–

“Son of a bitch.”

-From the book “American Evita” by Christopher Anderson, p. 259 – (Hillary’s opinion of President George W. Bush when she found out he secretly visited Iraq just days before her highly publicized trip to Iraq)
—————————

“What are you doing inviting these people into my home? These people are our enemies! They are trying to destroy us!”

-From the book “The Survivor” by John Harris, p. 99 – (Hillary screaming to an aide, when she found out that some Republicans had been invited to the Clinton White House)
—————————

“Come on Bill, put your d**k up! You can’t f*** her here!!”

-From the book “Inside The White House” by Ronald Kessler, p. 243 – (Hillary to Gov. Clinton when she spots him talking with an attractive female at an Arkansas political rally.)
—————————–

“You know, I’m going to start thanking the woman who cleans the restroom in the building I work in. I’m going to start thinking of her as a human being” — Hillary Clinton

-From the book “The Case Against Hillary Clinton” by Peggy Noonan, p. 55
———————

“We just can’t trust the American people to make those types of choices…. Government has to make those choices for people”

-From the book “I’ve Always Been A Yankee Fan” by Thomas D. Kuiper, p. 20 – (Hillary to Rep. Dennis Hasert in 1993 discussing her expensive, disastrous taxpayer-funded health care plan.)
———————–

“I am a fan of the social policies that you find in Europe” —Hillary in 1996″

-From the book “I’ve Always Been A Yankee Fan” by Thomas D. Kuiper, p.6

————————-

This ill-tempered, violent, foul-mouthed, hateful, abusive, beastly woman wants to be your president and have total control, as your Commander-in-chief of our Military, the very Military for which she has shown incredible contempt & disdain throughout her public life.

Surely we the people of the The United States can easily do better than this.

The references given for these quotes have been confirmed by Snopes, but the publications do not always give the source of the quotes.

Humpday Hilarities

Got a coupla good ones today!

This funny comes courtesy of Cotillion member Fausta:

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Redneck?

Here is a little test that will help you decide:

You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Democrat’s Answer:

Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think? What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he’d be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on , could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1 ?

Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing!

I need to discuss with some friends over a latte and try to come to a consensus.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Republican’s Answer:

BANG!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Redneck’s Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click click click ….

(sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click click click ….

Daughter: “Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?”

Son: “You got him, Pop! Can I shoot the next one?”

Wife: “You are NOT taking that to the taxidermist.”

This one comes courtesy of Cookie:

The Republican Cowboy….

A Republican cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Hillary Clinton is attending, and trying gather more support for her nomination.

Once she discovers the cowboy is a Republican, she starts to belittle him
by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.

As she was doing that, she kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around her head. The cowboy says, “Y’all havin’ some problem with them circle flies?”

She stopped talking and said, “Well yes, if that’s what they’re called. But I’ve never heard of circle flies.”

“Well ma’am,” the cowboy replies, “circle flies hang around ranches. They’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.”

“Oh,” Hillary replies as she goes back to rambling. But, a moment later she stops and bluntly asks, “Are you calling me a horse’s ass?”

“No, ma’am,” the cowboy replies, “I have too much respect for citizens of New York to call their Senator a horse’s ass.”

“That’s a good thing,” she responds and begins rambling on once more.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, “Hard to fool them flies though.”

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