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Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funny is courtesy of Don:

COINCIDENCE? Maybe or maybe not

The year is 1947…

Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:

• Albert A. Gore, Jr.
• Hillary Rodham
• John F. Kerry
• William J. Clinton
• Howard Dean
• Nancy Pelosi
• Dianne Feinstein
• Charles E. Schumer
• Barbara Boxer

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and jackasses? I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you. No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens! Now you know!

Humpday Hilarities

This one is courtesy of my friend Joseph:

I recently asked my friends’ little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, ‘If you were President what would be the first thing you would do? ‘

She replied, ‘I’d give food and houses to all the homeless people.’

Her parents beamed.

‘Wow…what a worthy goal.’ I told her, ‘But you don’t have to wait until you’re President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and rake my yard, and I’ll pay you $50. Then I’ll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house. ‘

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, ‘ Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?

I said, ‘Welcome to the Republican Party.’

Her parents still aren’t speaking to me.

And this one is courtesy of Don:

Women’s Yearly Exam

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse started with certain basics.

“How much do you weigh?” she asked. “135,” I said. The nurse put me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.

The nurse asked, “Your height?”

“5 foot 4,” I said. The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5′ 2″.

She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high. “Of course it’s high!” I screamed, ‘When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I’m short and fat!”

She put me on Prozac. What a bitch!

Humpday Hilarities

This funny bit is courtesy of my mother:

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington D.C. and those assholes took $95.00 in taxes.

This one is courtesy of one of my co-workers:

Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O’Brian grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas, Patrick developed cancer, and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, Shawn, “O’Brian, come ‘ere. I ‘ave a request for ye.” Shawn walked to his friend’s bedside and kneels.

“Shawny ole boy, we’ve been friends all our lives, and now I’m leaving ‘ere. I ‘ave one last request fir ye to do.”

O’Brian burst into tears, “Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It’s done.”

“Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I’ll be able to enjoy it for all eternity.”

O’Brian was overcome by the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend’s request, he asked, “Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?”

And last but certainly not least, this one is courtesy of my Cotillion sister, Fausta:

The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation’s capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near.

“Yes, Father?” said the nurse.

“I would really like to see Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi before I die”, whispered the priest.

“I’ll see what I can do, Father” replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to them and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived. Harry and Nancy would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, Harry commented to Nancy, “I don’t know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images.” Nancy couldn’t help but agree.

When they arrived at the priest’s room, the priest took Nancy’s hand in his right hand and Harry’s hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest’s face.

Finally Nancy spoke. “Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?”

The old priest slowly replied, “I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.”

The old priest continued…”He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same.”

Civic Duty

I has done mine …

… have you?

Humpday Hilarities

This one comes courtesy of the lovely Miranda:

One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.” The Marine replied, “Sir, Mr. Obama is not President and doesn’t reside here”. The old man said, “Okay”, and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama”. The Marine again told the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is not President and doesn’t reside here”.

The man thanked him and again walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama”. The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I’ve told you already several times that Mr. Obama is not the President and doesn’t reside here. Don’t you understand?”

The old man answered, “Oh, I understand you fine, I just love hearing your answer!”

The Marine then snapped to attention, saluted and said, “See you tomorrow, Sir.”

And this one from my NP guildmate, Rose:

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine… and those who don’t.

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) – the bacteria found in feces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine and beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.

Therefore, it’s better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I’m doing it as a public service.

Sunday sundries

A couple things in today’s PostSecret struck me.

Party Lines

For many years in the circles in which I participated, I mostly kept my political leanings to myself. I always justified it as one’s political views were like his/her religious beliefs — they should be kept private and only shared with whom he/she trusted. Or at least, that’s what I told everyone … for a long time I never spoke up about my own views because so many of those I loved would shun anyone who didn’t share their views. Most of them were far left, and I’m … well, not.

But those who you love and/or love you shouldn’t care about which party you vote for, right?

Yeah, I used to think that …

Supermarket Melancholic Meandering

My heart really goes out to the sender of this one. For a long time, I couldn’t walk past the cat food isle without bursting into tears after Hobie passed away. Even now, I still feel pangs of sadness, and I have to keep looking straight ahead as I pass, or pretend to look elsewhere for fear of breaking down.

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funny comes courtesy of my mother:

Post Turtle

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Texas rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our President.

The old rancher said, “Well, ya know, Obama is a ‘post turtle’.” Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a ‘post turtle’ was. The old rancher said, “When you’re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a ‘post turtle’.”

The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor’s face, so he continued to explain. “You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t belong up there, he doesn’t know what to do while he is up there, and you just wonder what kind of a person put him up there.”

Humpday Hilarities

These two funny bits come courtesy of Cookie:

Sportsmanship……

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?” The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?” The little boy nodded yes.

“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?” Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, “And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach ‘a dumb ass’ is it?” Again the little boy nodded.

“Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.”

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WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake . Call Stephanie.

And the best one:

FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition..
$1,000 or best offer. No longer needed,
Got married last month.
Wife knows everything.

And this one comes courtesy of my mother:

A teacher in Elmira , New York asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans. Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny. The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different..

Little Johnny says, ‘Because I’m not an Obama fan.’ The teacher says, ‘Why aren’t you an Obama fan?’ Johnny says, ‘Because I’m a Republican.’ The teacher asks him why he’s a Republican. Little Johnny answered, ‘Well, my mom’s a Republican and my dad’s a Republican, so I’m a Republican’ The teacher asks, ‘If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?’

With a big smile, Little Johnny replies, ‘That would make me an Obama fan.’

Obama’s blind spots and Vote for mom!

Lately I’ve been inundated with comments, articles, and general STUFF about Obama. I said it once, and I’ll say it again … the more I read about that man, the more he scares me. A couple people sent me this link, a post on ZardozZ detailing a very well put together article by the National Black Republican Association detailing some little known facts about the man.

Go. Click. Read … now!!!

Put down the bagel. Go read those web comics later. Stop surfing for auto insurance online or whatever it is you’re Googling … seriously. It never ceases to amaze me how many people who are planning to vote for that man, but no absolutely NOTHING about him, his views, or where he stands on which issues … but I digress.

Vote for Mom!

Anyways, after you go read that article, go vote for America’s Favorite Mom: Patti Bader, founder of Soldiers’ Angels!!! (also posted to SA of AL site!)

[ Note: voting requires registration ... might I suggest a disposable email address? ]

What’s in a name?

You know, when I was a teenager I absolutely abhorred my first name: Shannon. I hated that all of my school stuff had “Shannon” on it instead of “Nicki.” One year I absolutely insisted that my records be changed to reflect my nickname, which I’ve gone by all of my natural life. (The office ladies had a few giggles at my expense and sent me on my little defiant, albeit pissed off, way.) As I got older, I told myself, “Hey, my family has Scottish/Irish descent, and that’s definitely an Irish name. So chill.” I got over, for the most part.

However, to this day, I cringe if someone calls me by my full name and will insist upon being called “Nicki.”

I can’t help but laugh at all the hubbub about Obama and his full name being used in the media. “Hussein” Ok sure, we’ve known a few bad Husseins before. I can identify and sympathize … to an extent.

Seriously, what’s in a name? Would it be any more heinous if it were “Adolf”? Ok, maybe it would … but you get my point. If Obama were really that embarrassed or bothered by his name, he would have had it legally changed long ago. On the other hand, it gives conservatives something else to yuck about — and let’s face it, he’s given us plenty of material!

In an effort to show some sensitivity about his middle name, I propose we just refer to the first and last initials now: B.O. That has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it? Yeah, I thought so too. In fact, it struck me so funny that I whipped up a little something in Photoshop to celebrate it:

If you hadn’t caught on by now, that man scares me. And it has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with his name.

Update: Per a very creative suggestion by Cookie, there’s now a follow-up image:

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