Currently browsing: Politics

Humpday Hilarities

Howdy folks! My apologies for the lack of funnies last week. I was experiencing some self-imposed technical difficulties with this site’s software (read: I tried to upgrade it on 2 hours’ sleep and failed) but things have been successfully restored and I will try the update again at a better time (read: when I’m not a zombie), likely this weekend.

Today’s funny is courtesy of Cookie:

I have often wondered why it is that Conservatives are called the “right” and Liberals are called the “left.”

By chance I stumbled upon this verse in the Bible: “The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but the heart of the fool to the left.” — Ecclesiastes 10:2 (NIV)

Thus sayeth the Lord. Amen.

Can’t get any simpler than that. Except:

Your Spelling Lesson

The last four letters in American……….I Can

The last four letters in Republican……..I Can

The last four letters in Democrats………Rats

End of lesson. Test to follow in November, 2012

Remember, November is being set aside as National Rodent Removal month.

Humpday Hilarities

Funnies are back! My apologies for the unannounced hiatus, the holidays snuck up on me and I have been sick for the past 3-4 weeks. I needed the time off!

But, we’re back and have plenty for this week! So without further ado, let’s start off with these from Cookie:

Vern works hard at the Phone Company but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he’s pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, ‘Hey, Vern! How ya doin?’

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

‘Oh no,’ says Vern. ‘He’s in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, ‘How did she know that you drink Budweiser?’

‘I recognize her, she’s the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.’

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all over him and says, ‘Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?’

Vern’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, ‘Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.’

A newly retired cop was walking down the street, on his way to a retired cops breakfast, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for a meal. The retired cop took out his wallet, extracted a twenty dollar bill and asked the guy, “If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of food?” “No, I had to stop drinking many years ago when I was a cop,” the homeless man replied.

“You were once a cop?” “Yes,” the homeless man replied. “On the force for 12 years, until I was fired for drinking on duty and I lost my retirement after wrecking a patrol car the same day.”

“Will you use this $20 to only buy donuts and coffee instead of buying nutritious food?” “No, I don’t waste time with sugary foods,” the homeless man said. “I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive and eat as well as I can.”

“Will you spend this $20 on greens fees at a golf course instead of good food?” “Are you nuts?” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t played golf in 20 years since I was fired from the force.”

“Will you spend the money on a woman over in the red light Tenderloin District instead of buying good food?” “What disease would I get for a lousy twenty bucks? I hate whores.” exclaimed the homeless man.

“Well,” said the retired cop, “I’m not going to give you the money now. Instead, I’m going to take you to a terrific cops breakfast around the corner and get you to tell the retired cops your story, then you get the money.”

The homeless man was astounded. “Won’t these officers be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting, man.” The retired cop replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for them all to see what a cop looks like after he has given up beer, donuts, golf and sex.”

And even though the holidays are passed, I still thought this was worth sharing!

Both Don and Cookie sent me that one, as well as several people on Facebook. I love Aunt Chippy!

Last and certainly not least we got this one from Don:

A woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job. She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and had worked as a social worker and school teacher. The foreman frowned and said, “I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?”

“Well, as a matter of fact, I have!” she smiled. “I’ve been divorced three times, owned two Chrysler’s and I voted for Obama.”

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funny is courtesy of my pal Don.

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start off with this one from Cookie:

Understanding Washington Politics

The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals. We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese. However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves and, presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.

Now consider a group of Baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates. And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons? Believe it or not: a Congress!

I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington!

And these are courtesy of my mother:

Men

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, ‘What setting do I use on the washing machine?’

‘It depends,’ I replied. ‘What does it say on your shirt?’

He yelled back, ‘Ohio State!’

And they say blondes are dumb …

**************************************************************

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, ‘I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world … ‘

The woman replies, ‘I’ll miss you.’

**************************************************************

‘It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,’ Jack says as he stepped out of the shower. ‘Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?’

‘Probably that I married you for your money,’ she replied.

**************************************************************

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor.

**************************************************************

Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods.Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I’ll beat him to death.

AMEN.

**************************************************************

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

**************************************************************

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

**************************************************************

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

**************************************************************

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end to wipe.

**************************************************************

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the email folder ‘Instruction Manuals’

**************************************************************

While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world.

… Then He made the earth round.

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start off with this one from Don:

The Blind Bunny

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell right on his twitchy little nose.

“Oh please excuse me,” said the bunny. “I didn’t mean to trip over you, but I’m blind and can’t see.”

“That’s perfectly all right,” replied the snake. “To be sure, it was my fault. I didn’t mean to trip you, but I’m blind too, and I didn’t see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?”

“Well, I really don’t know,” said the bunny. “I’m blind, and I’ve never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.”

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, “Well, you’re soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!

The bunny said, “I can’t thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?”

The snake replied that he didn’t know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, “Well, what kind of an animal am I?”

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, “You’re cold, you’re slippery, and you haven’t got any balls…. You must be a politician.”

And this one is courtesy of my mother:

The year is 2016 and the United States has just elected the first woman as well as the first Bama president, Susan Downsouth. A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says, ‘So, Dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?’

‘I don’t think so. It’s a 16 hour drive, your mother isn’t as young as she used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.’

‘Don’t worry about it Dad, I’ll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.’

‘I don’t know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?’

Oh Dad, replies Susan, ‘I’ll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in Washington.’

‘Honey,’ Dad complains, ‘you know I can’t eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.’

The President-to-be responds, ‘Don’t worry Dad. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in Washington, I’ll ensure your meals are salt free Dad, I really want you to come.’

So Dad reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2017, Susan Downsouth is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new president’s Dad and Mom. Dad noticing the senator sitting next to him leans over and whispers, ‘You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States .’

The Senator whispers back, ‘Yes I do.’

Dad says proudly, ‘Her brother played football at Alabama for Nick Saban.’

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start off with these gems from Cookie:

A “different” Creation explanation

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God’s great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, “You want chocolate with that?” And Man said, “Yes!” and Woman said, “and as long as you’re at it, add some sprinkles.” And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, “Try my fresh green salad.” And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, “I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them.” And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof. God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it “Angel Food Cake,” and said, “It is good.” Satan then created chocolate cake and named it “Devil’s Food.”

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald’s and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, “You want fries with that?” And Man replied, “Yes! And super size them!” And Satan said, “It is good.” And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created Cuts to the Health Care System.

Amen.

I’d like to point out that:

In 2011, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address occur on the same day.

I want to take this time to point out:

It is an ironic juxtaposition of events; one involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little intelligence and competence for prognostication, while the other involves a groundhog.

And last but certainly not least is a football-related funny from Jeff, written by Roy Exum for The Chattanoogan:

The Funny Side Of Losing

Of all the post-season bowl games, the one I anticipated the most was Saturday’s Capital One match-up between Alabama and Big Ten co-champ Michigan State, because I figured it would be a great game. Well, it turned out to be a 49-7 rout, which shows how mighty the Crimson Tide can be and how little I know about college football.

The problem is that a lot of Michigan State fans thought the same thing, as you’ll see in a minute. MSU, winning a share of the first Big 10 title in 20 years, had high hopes, but on a cold afternoon when the Big 10 would go 0-5 on New Year’s Day, the 24/7 message board on a Michigan State booster website during the game was hysterical.

Understand, the game was a mockery, grown men playing havoc with mere children. Alabama seemed to score at will, striking on the first five possessions while dominating the Spartans so badly on defense, MSU had only 171 yards in total offense compared to the Crimson Tide’s 543. MSU left the field with minus-47 yards rushing in the most lop-sided Orlando bowl ever.

Michigan State quarterback Kirk Cousins was sacked four times, finally leaving the game in the fourth quarter with “a severe headache.” After drumming up a 28-0 halftime lead, Alabama played mostly subs the second half – you get the picture, right?

Michigan State coach Mark Dantonio, who had whined before the game that his team wasn’t getting enough respect, said afterwards, “We were outcoached, we were outplayed, and we were out-physicaled and that’s just the way it is. Sometimes, you get an avalanche come on you and that’s just what happened.”

But the Spartans’ fans said it better. Allow me to share the MSU message board during the game:

“Julio takin’ us to schoolio.” (just after Alabama wide receiver Julio Jones ran 35 yards for a touchdown on a reverse.)

“Why are they allowing Alabama to play with 35 players on defense?”

“I think their punter is currently drinking around the world in Epcot.” (Alabama didn’t punt until midway through the third quarter).

“If we played 10 times, they would win 15.”

“If Cam Newton costs $200,000 for a season, how much is a 2nd half rental?”

“…and now Cousins is dead.” (referring to MSU’s starting QB after the fourth sack)

“If I was our QB I would hire an attorney and sue them for negligence or intentional infliction of physical and emotional distress.”

“I’m ready to accept MSU boosters paying for an offensive line. If we get caught I can deal with it.”

“This is getting out of hand…an Alabama defensive lineman just popped out of my TV and threw me 10 yards behind my couch.”

“Do you think this is how Custer felt?”

“We’re going to have a wing named after us at Orlando Regional Medical Center by the time this game finishes.”

“This is embarrassing. So are we officially a basketball school again?”

“I want to know how many times in the history of organized football that teams have punted on 4th and goal”

“So this is what they mean by team speed.”

“If I’m (Andrew) Maxwell, I fake an injury on the way to the huddle.” (referring to the MSU freshman backup QB, who was knocked out of the game three plays later).

It’s just like Mark Twain once said, “Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.”

Excellent article, Roy!

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funny is courtesy of Don:

COINCIDENCE? Maybe or maybe not

The year is 1947…

Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:

• Albert A. Gore, Jr.
• Hillary Rodham
• John F. Kerry
• William J. Clinton
• Howard Dean
• Nancy Pelosi
• Dianne Feinstein
• Charles E. Schumer
• Barbara Boxer

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and jackasses? I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you. No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens! Now you know!

Humpday Hilarities

This one is courtesy of my friend Joseph:

I recently asked my friends’ little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, ‘If you were President what would be the first thing you would do? ‘

She replied, ‘I’d give food and houses to all the homeless people.’

Her parents beamed.

‘Wow…what a worthy goal.’ I told her, ‘But you don’t have to wait until you’re President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and rake my yard, and I’ll pay you $50. Then I’ll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house. ‘

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, ‘ Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?

I said, ‘Welcome to the Republican Party.’

Her parents still aren’t speaking to me.

And this one is courtesy of Don:

Women’s Yearly Exam

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse started with certain basics.

“How much do you weigh?” she asked. “135,” I said. The nurse put me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.

The nurse asked, “Your height?”

“5 foot 4,” I said. The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5′ 2″.

She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high. “Of course it’s high!” I screamed, ‘When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I’m short and fat!”

She put me on Prozac. What a bitch!

Humpday Hilarities

This funny bit is courtesy of my mother:

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington D.C. and those assholes took $95.00 in taxes.

This one is courtesy of one of my co-workers:

Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O’Brian grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas, Patrick developed cancer, and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, Shawn, “O’Brian, come ‘ere. I ‘ave a request for ye.” Shawn walked to his friend’s bedside and kneels.

“Shawny ole boy, we’ve been friends all our lives, and now I’m leaving ‘ere. I ‘ave one last request fir ye to do.”

O’Brian burst into tears, “Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It’s done.”

“Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I’ll be able to enjoy it for all eternity.”

O’Brian was overcome by the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend’s request, he asked, “Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?”

And last but certainly not least, this one is courtesy of my Cotillion sister, Fausta:

The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation’s capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near.

“Yes, Father?” said the nurse.

“I would really like to see Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi before I die”, whispered the priest.

“I’ll see what I can do, Father” replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to them and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived. Harry and Nancy would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, Harry commented to Nancy, “I don’t know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images.” Nancy couldn’t help but agree.

When they arrived at the priest’s room, the priest took Nancy’s hand in his right hand and Harry’s hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest’s face.

Finally Nancy spoke. “Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?”

The old priest slowly replied, “I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.”

The old priest continued…”He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same.”

Civic Duty

I has done mine …

… have you?

Next Page »