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A date which will live in infamy

I always think of my grandfather when this anniversary comes around. He enlisted in the United States Air Force shortly after the Pearl Harbor attacks. My mother still wears his wings pinned on her coat. Gramps never talked about his time spent serving our country, but did instill in me a great respect and admiration for our nation’s military. He’s been gone just over 15 years now, but I still think of him often. I pray for those with whom he served and their loved ones, and wonder — how many are left today? According to this article by Reuters, there are about 2,700 Pearl Harbor veterans still among us today.

And that number shrinks dramatically every year.

I never got the chance to thank my grandfather for his service. But if you have someone in your life who is serving or has served, or even just someone you see in passing, thank them for me.

A few recommended reads:

• National Geographic: Remembering Pearl Harbor
• BlackFive: Remember Pearl Harbor Dec 7 1941
• Hooah Wife & Friends: Pearl Harbor: 70 Years
• Michelle Malkin: Remembering Pearl Harbor: 70 years
• The Birmingham News: Pearl Harbor important then and now
• MSNBC/Reuters: Pearl Harbor veteran recalls bewilderment of attack

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies are courtesy of Cookie:

Is sex work?

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep, so he was a little tired. He next posed the question of just how much of sex was “work” and how much of it was “pleasure?”

A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work. A Captain said it was 50%-50%. A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion. Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, “Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.”

The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked, “How so?”

“Well, sir, It should go without saying, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.”

The room fell silent.

God Bless the enlisted man.

A young man named Dave received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s’ mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. Dave tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary.

Finally, Dave was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.Dave shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. Dave in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, Dave quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Dave’s outstretched arms and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”

Dave was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, “May I inquire as to what the turkey did?”

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies are courtesy of Cookie:

THE GOLFING NUN

A nun walks into Mother Superior”s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

“What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”

“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”

“I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?”

“Far from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, I even took the Lord’s name in vain today!”

“Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”

“Well, we were on the fifth tee…and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green…and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.

And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted …and it hits a bird in mid-flight !”

“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”

“No, that wasn’t it,” admitted Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”

“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized the Mother.

“But I didn’t, Mother!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether it was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!”

“So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother with a knowing smile.

“Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said…

“You missed the f#$%ing putt, didn’t you?”

The Difference Between A Marine Officer And A Gunnery Sergeant (Gunny)

A young Marine officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade, but the only visible permanent injury was to both of his ears which were amputated. Since his hearing wasn’t impaired he remained in the Marine Corps. Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of major general. He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the general was interviewing three Marines, prospects for his headquarters staff.

The first was an aviator captain, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the general asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?”

The young officer answered, “Why, yes, Sir, I couldn’t help but notice that you have no ears.”

The general got very angry at his lack of tact and threw him out.

The second interview was with a logistics Lieutenant, and he was even better. The general then asked him the same question, “Do you notice anything different about me?”

He replied sheepishly, “Well, Sir, you have no ears.”

The general, now really pissed, threw him out also.

The third interview was with a Marine gunnery sergeant, an infantryman and Staff NCO Gunnery Sergeant (Gunny). He was articulate, looked extremely sharp and seemed to know more than the two officers combined. The general wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same question, “Do you notice anything different about me?”

To his surprise the Gunny said, “Yes, Sir, you wear contact lenses.”

The general was very impressed and thought, what an incredibly observant NCO, and he didn’t mention my ears. “And how do you know that I wear contacts?” the General asked.

“Well, Sir,” the gunny replied, “It’s pretty hard to wear glasses with no f#$%in’ ears.”

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start off with this one, courtesy of my pal Cookie:

Tom retired in his early 50′s and started a second career. However, even though he loved his new job, he just couldn’t seem to get to work on time. Every day, he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. Finally, one day, his boss called him into the office for a talk.

“Tom, I must tell you, I truly like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but being late for work nearly every day is quite annoying to me as well as your fellow workers.”

Tom replied, “Yes, sir, I know. I’m sorry, but I am working on it.”

“That’s what I like to hear,” his boss said. “However, the fact that you consistently come to work late does puzzle me because I understand that you retired from the United States Marine Corps, and they have some pretty rigid rules about tardiness. Isn’t that correct?”

“Yes. I did retire from the Marine Corps, and I’m mighty proud of it!” said Tom.

“Well, what did they say when you came in late?” asked his boss.

“They said, ‘Good morning, General’.”

This one is from my friend Adam:

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, ‘PULL OVER!’

‘NO!’ the blonde yelled back, ‘IT’S A SCARF!’

This one is courtesy of my Cotillion sister, Cassandra:

A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle — a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi.

That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening – red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze — perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get ‘those feelings’ again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn’t had sex for months. Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, ‘Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?’

And last but not least, this one from my friend Catina:

This is the true story of a garage owner in New Mexico. He was sick and tired of thugs breaking into his garage shop to steal tools, etc. so he came up with this idea… He put the word out that he had a new “mexican lion” that would attack anyone that would break in or climb his fence.

Would-be thieves saw the “lion” from a distance and fled the scene.

What we know, and what we don’t

Napoleon Bonaparte once said, “History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon.”

Apparently said version tends to change from time to time. I was talking with a friend about how I’d noticed that the school textbooks that Jessie’s had over the past few years were vastly different from those I remembered. In fact, I was helping her study last week for a big social studies exam and thought the textbook seemed a bit “dumbed down” in some topics, and noticed how it entirely skipped others. And then I wondered, were mine vastly different than those of the generation before me?

Looking back, Social Studies was my absolute least favorite subject in school. I couldn’t ever keep up with the details of dates, people, and events; it was sheer straight memorization … and boring as hell. It wasn’t really until I was in my last couple years of high school that history held any kind of fascination with me. I’m lucky, my high school had really great teachers.

I can name several that were my favorites, but one in particular comes to mind today because he not only taught from the textbook, he taught from experience. His name was Joe Parker, and he was a Vietnam veteran. I thought he was the most fascinating man I’d ever met. He didn’t just teach, he told stories. I began to see that people weren’t just names in a textbook anymore. Dates weren’t just numbers to be memorized then completely forgotten. I began to understand why things were done a certain way during certain times.

Mr. Parker often told tales of his time in Vietnam. I loved hearing his stories — I had never seen anything like what he described in any textbook on the subject. Looking back, I don’t think I ever really knew anything about Vietnam. I knew that I had an uncle who had served and died overseas. My father really didn’t like to talk about it. I knew that the war ended not long after I was born, and that when those who served returned home, they were not treated kindly … even looked down upon by people I knew. I never understood until it was explained to me by Mr. Parker. It was he who taught me not to blindly accept what’s given to me in print, but to seek other sources, research, and draw my own conclusions.

I wonder today, how many people are still hanging onto what they’d gathered from misguided sources rather than seeking the truth for themselves?

What brought up this thought and the associated memories was an email I received from Uncle Monster last weekend containing a link to a blog with a most IMPRESSIVE list of statistics and facts about the Vietnam War and its veterans that I have never before seen. And I’d like to share them with y’all …

Interesting Facts about the Make-up of US Troops in the Vietnam War

In case you haven’t been paying attention these past few decades after you returned from Vietnam, the clock has been ticking. The following are some statistics that are at once depressing yet in a larger sense should give you a huge sense of pride.

“Of the 2,709,918 Americans who served in Vietnam, Less than 850,000 are estimated to be alive today, with the youngest American Vietnam veteran’s age approximated to be 54 years old.” How does it feel to be among the last third of all the Vietnam Veterans who served in Vietnam to be alive? I don’t know about you guys, but it kind of gives me the chills.

Considering the kind of information available about the death rate of WWII and Korean War Veterans, publicized information indicates that in the last 14 years Vietnam veterans are dying at the rate of 390 deaths each day. At this rate there will be only a few of us alive in 2015.

These statistics were taken from a variety of sources to include: The VFW Magazine, the Public Information Office, and the HQ CP Forward Observer – 1st Recon April 12, 1997.

STATISTICS FOR INDIVIDUALS IN UNIFORM AND IN COUNTRY VIETNAM VETERANS

1. 9,087,000 military personnel served on active duty during the Vietnam Era (Aug 5, 1964 – May 7, 1975).

2. 8,744,000 GIs were on active duty during the war (Aug 5, 1964 – March 28, 1973).

3. 2,709,918 Americans served in Vietnam, this number represents 9.7% of their generation.

4. 3,403,100 (Including 514,300 offshore) personnel served in the broader Southeast Asia Theater (Vietnam, Laos, Cambodia, flight crews based in Thailand and sailors in adjacent South China Sea waters).

5. 2,594,000 personnel served within the borders of South Vietnam (Jan. 1, 1965 – March 28, 1973). Another 50,000 men served in Vietnam between 1960 and 1964.

6. Of the 2.6 million, between 1-1.6 million (40-60%) either fought in combat, provided close support or were at least fairly regularly exposed to enemy attack.

7. 7,484 women (6,250 or 83.5% were nurses) served in Vietnam.

8. Peak troop strength in Vietnam: 543,482 (April 30, 1968).

CASUALTIES

1. The first man to die in Vietnam was James Davis, in 1958. He was with the 509th Radio Research Station. Davis Station in Saigon was named for him.

2. Non-hostile deaths: 10,800

3. Total: 58,202 (Includes men formerly classified as MIA and Mayaguez casualties). Men who have subsequently died of wounds account for the changing total.

4. 8 nurses died – 1 was KIA.

5. 61% of the men killed were 21 or younger.

6. 11,465 of those killed were younger than 20 years old.

7. Of those killed, 17,539 were married.

8. Average age of men killed: 23.1 years

9. Enlisted: 50,274 – 22.37 years

10. Officers: 6,598 – 28.43 years

11. Warrants: 1,276 – 24.73 years

12. E1: 525 – 20.34 years

13. 11B MOS: 18,465 – 22.55 years

14. Five men killed in Vietnam were only 16 years old.

15. The oldest man killed was 62 years old.

16. 2,709,918 Americans served in Vietnam, 58,202 were KIA for a percentage of .0214%.

17. 303,704 were wounded. 153,329 were hospitalized.

18. 150,375 were injured requiring no hospital care.

19. 75,000 were severely disabled. 23,214 were 100% disabled. 5,283 lost limbs. 1,081 sustained multiple amputations.

20. Amputation or crippling wounds to the lower extremities were 300% higher than in WWII and 70% higher than Korea.

21. Multiple amputations occurred at the rate of 18.4% compared to 5.7% in WWII.

22. Missing in Action: 2,338

23. POWs: 766 (114 died in captivity)

24. As of January 15, 2004, there are 1,875 Americans still unaccounted for from the Vietnam War.

DRAFTEES VS VOLUNTEERS

1. 25% (648,500) of total forces in country were draftees.

2. 66% of U.S. armed forces members were drafted during WWII).

3. Draftees accounted for 30.4% (17,725) of combat deaths in Vietnam.

4. Reservists killed: 5,977

5. National Guard: 6,140 served: 101 died.

6. Total draftees (1965 – 73): 1,728,344.

7. Actually served in Vietnam: 38%

8. Marine Corps Draft: 42,633.

9. Last man drafted: June 30, 1973.

RACE AND ETHNIC BACKGROUND

1. 88.4% of the men who actually served in Vietnam were Caucasian; 10.6% (275,000) were black; 1% belonged to other races.

2. 86.3% of the men who died in Vietnam were Caucasian (includes Hispanics); 12.5% (7,241) were black; 1.2% belonged to other races.

3. 170,000 Hispanics served in Vietnam; 3,070 (5.2% of total) died there.

4. 70% of enlisted men killed were of North-west European descent.

5. 86.8% of the men who were killed as a result of hostile action were Caucasian; 12.1% (5,711) were black; 1.1% belonged to other races.

6. 14.6% (1,530) of non-combat deaths were among blacks.

7. 34% of blacks who enlisted volunteered for the combat arms.

8. Overall, blacks suffered 12.5% of the deaths in Vietnam at a time when the percentage of blacks of military age was 13.5% of the total population.

9. Religion of Dead: Protestant – 64.4%; Catholic – 28.9%; other/none – 6.7%

SOCIAL-ECONOMIC STATUS

1. Vietnam veterans have a lower unemployment rate than the same non-vet age groups.

2. Vietnam veterans’ personal income exceeds that of our non-veteran age group by more than 18 percent.

3. 76% of the men sent to Vietnam were from lower middle/working class backgrounds.

4. Three-fourths had family incomes above the poverty level; 50% were from middle income backgrounds.

5. Some 23% of Vietnam vets had fathers with professional, managerial or technical occupations.

6. 79% of the men who served in Vietnam had a high school education or better when they entered the military service. 63% of Korean War vets and only 45% of WWII vets had completed high school upon separation.

7. Deaths by region per 100,000 of population: South – 31%, West -29.9%; Midwest – 28.4%; Northeast – 23.5%.

DRUG USAGE & CRIME

1. There is no difference in drug usage between Vietnam Veterans and non-Vietnam Veterans of the same age group. (Source: Veterans Administration Study)

2. Vietnam Veterans are less likely to be in prison – only one-half of one percent of Vietnam Veterans have been jailed for crimes.

3. 85% of Vietnam Veterans made successful transitions to civilian life.

WINNING & LOSING

1. 82% of veterans who saw heavy combat strongly believe the war was lost because of lack of political will.

2. Nearly 75% of the public agrees it was a failure of political will, not of arms.

HONORABLE SERVICE

1. 97% of Vietnam-era veterans were honorably discharged.

2. 91% of actual Vietnam War veterans and 90% of those who saw heavy combat are proud to have served their country.

3. 74% say they would serve again, even knowing the outcome.

4. 87% of the public now holds Vietnam veterans in high esteem.

INTERESTING

1. 1,713,823 of those who served in Vietnam were still alive as of August, 1995 (census figures).

2. During that same census count, the number of Americans falsely claiming to have served in-country was: 9,492,958.

3. As of the current census taken during August, 2000, the surviving U.S. Vietnam Veteran population estimate is: 1,002,511. This is hard to believe, losing nearly 711,000 between ’95 and ’00. That’s 390 per day.

4. During this census count, the number of Americans falsely claiming to have served in-country is: 13,853,027. By this census, FOUR OUT OF FIVE WHO CLAIM TO BE VIETNAM VETS ARE NOT.

5. The Department of Defense Vietnam War Service Index officially provided by The War Library originally reported with errors that 2,709,918 U.S. military personnel as having served in-country.

6. Corrections and confirmations to this erred index resulted in the addition of 358 U.S. military personnel confirmed to have served in Vietnam but not originally listed by the Department of Defense. (All names are currently on file and accessible 24/7/365).

7. Isolated atrocities committed by American Soldiers produced torrents of outrage from anti-war critics and the news media while Communist atrocities were so common that they received hardly any media mention at all.

8. The United States sought to minimize and prevent attacks on civilians while North Vietnam made attacks on civilians a centerpiece of its strategy.

9. Americans who deliberately killed civilians received prison sentences while Communists who did so received commendations.

10. From 1957 to 1973, the National Liberation Front assassinated 36,725 Vietnamese and abducted another 58,499. The death squads focused on leaders at the village level and on anyone who improved the lives of the peasants such as medical personnel, social workers, and school teachers. – Nixon Presidential Papers.

Now, how many of you read the above and see the similarities between Vietnam and Iraq/Afghanistan? The first thing that stuck out in my mind immediately (besides the media coverage) was that I have seen with my own eyes is that heroes are welcomed home today.

Reach out to a soldier or veteran. Say “Thank you” — because you never know, he or she may have never been told that before!

If you are able and want to do more, here’s where you can find out how.

Humpday Hilarities

This morning’s first funny is courtesy of Uncle Monster:

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, “What are all those clocks?”

St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.”

“Oh”, said the man. “Whose clock is that?”

“That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”

“Incredible”, said the man. “And whose clock is that one?”

St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.”

“Where’s President Obama’s clock?”, asked the man.

“Obama’s clock is in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”

I may have posted something similar to this before, but it’s still one of my faves. Courtesy of my mother:

Only Southerners

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a “hissie fit” and a “conniption fit,” and that you don’t “HAVE” them, you “PITCH” them.

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc…, make up “a mess.”

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of “yonder.”

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long “directly” is, as in: “Going to town, be back directly.”

Even Southern babies know that “Gimme some sugar” is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.

All Southerners know exactly when “by and by” is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who’s got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor’s trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin’!

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between “right near” and “a right far piece.” They also know that “just down the road” can be 1 mile or 20.

Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol’ boy, and po’ white trash.

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

A Southerner knows that “fixin” can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, … and when we’re “in line,”… we talk to everybody!

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they’re related, even if only by marriage.

In the South, “y’all” is singular, “all y’all” is plural.

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

When you hear someone say, “Well, I caught myself lookin’,” you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

Only true Southerners say “sweet tea” and “sweet milk.” Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it — we do not like our tea unsweetened. “Sweet milk” means you don’t want buttermilk.

And a true Southerner knows you don’t scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, “Bless her heart,” and go your own way.

To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!

And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, … bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin’ to have classes on Southernness as a second language!

And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y’all need a sign to hang on y’all’s front porch that reads “I ain’t from the South, but I got here as fast as I could!”

The emphasis on the tea thing is mine. It never ceases to amaze me how many of my clients don’t understand my passion for good sweet tea.

Moving right along, this funny is courtesy of my pal Don:

Secret Code

After the new president has been in office for 6 months it is customary for the last president to send a note of congratulations to the new one. So when the note came from Bush to Obama, the president was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was: 370H-SSV-0773H

This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged. So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it.

They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message. They called in the chief of staff and the head of the Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the note. Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House. They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.

Now there was complete panic in the oval office. They called all of their contacts in the media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not one was able to come up with an answer.

A special emergency meeting was called by the staff.. All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code. After a sleepless night, a now humbled President Obama picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note.

Bush chuckled and replied, “You’re holding the note upside down!”

And last but certainly not least, this funny is courtesy of my Cotillion sister, Kat:

Patriot Microchip

The Patriot Microchip is intended to be implanted in terrorists. The implant is specifically designed to be installed in the forehead. When properly installed it will allow the implantee to speak to God.

It comes in various sizes:

The exact size of the implant will be selected by a well-trained and highly-skilled technician. The implant may or may not be painless …

Side effects, such as headaches and nausea, are temporary. Some bleeding or swelling may occur at the injection site.

Please enjoy the security we provide for you.

Best regards,

The United States Marines

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies are courtesy of Cookie (who incidentally just celebrated his birthday, so be a sport and go wish him a good one! )

The Navy Chief & New Guy

The Navy Chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him, “Get over here bilge scum!

What’s your name sailor?”

“John,” the new seaman replied.

“Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy ass namby pamby crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp nowdays, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled. “It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever. And you are to refer to me as ‘Chief’. Do I make myself clear?”

“Aye, Aye Chief!”

“Now that we’ve got that straight maggot, what’s your last name?”

The seaman sighed. “Darling, My name is John Darling, Chief.”

“Okay, John, here’s what I want you to do …”

The Spoils of War …

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, “I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road..

I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who doesn’t know how to drive. So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!

He retaliated by yelling, “Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!”

“And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us.”

When the music stopped

My mother-in-law sent me this lovely piece. I get so many military jokes and stories that often Snopes is one of the first places I hit after receiving these types of emails. Don’t get me wrong … it’s not that I don’t believe in tales of valor and honor from our men and women in uniform. On the contrary, I like to post sources to give credit where credit is due. I know that without a doubt, some of the finest men and women you’ll ever see are in the military, and I’m always happy to share stories illustrating this!

Anyways, back to the story. Snopes didn’t have anything on this, so I hit up Google and found another source that confirmed that this story is indeed TRUE!

For those who are unaware, at a military theater, the National Anthem is played before every movie.

From a Chaplain in Iraq:

I recently attended a showing of ‘Superman 3,’ here at LSA Anaconda. We have a large auditorium we use for movies, as well as memorial services and other large gatherings. As is the custom back in the States, we stood and snapped to attention when the National Anthem began before the main feature. All was going as planned until about three-quarters of the way through the National Anthem the music stopped.

Now, what would happen if this occurred with 1,000 18-22 year-olds back in the States? I imagine there would be hoots, catcalls, laughter, a few rude comments; and everyone would sit down and call for a movie. Of course, that is, if they had stood for the National Anthem in the first place. Here, the 1,000 soldiers continued to stand at attention, eyes fixed forward. The music started again. The soldiers continued to quietly stand at attention. And again, at the same point, the music stopped. What would you expect to happen?

Even here I would imagine laughter, as everyone finally sat down and expected the movie to start. But here, you could have heard a pin drop. Every soldier continued to stand at attention. Suddenly there was a lone voice , then a dozen, and quickly the room was filled with the voices of a thousand soldiers, finishing where the recording left off:

‘And the rockets red glare,
The bombs bursting in air,
Gave proof through the night
That our flag was still there.
Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave,
O’er the land of the free,
And the home of the brave.’

It was the most inspiring moment I have had here in Iraq. I wanted you to know what kind of soldiers are serving you here. Remember them as they fight for you! Pass this along as a reminder to others to be ever in prayer for all our soldiers serving us here at home and abroad. For many have already paid the ultimate price.

Written by Chaplain Jim Higgins
LSA Anaconda is at the Ballad Airport in Iraq, north of Baghdad

According to TruthorFiction.com, this was indeed written by Army Reserve Chaplain Jim Higgins who, when he is not deployed, is Senior Pastor of McEachern Memorial United Methodist Church, in Powder Springs, GA. It goes on to say that this event took place in May of 2007 while he was stationed at Camp Anaconda — which is a US base near Balad, and one of the largest airbases in Iraq.

But I bet many of you already knew that about C.A.

God bless our troops!!

Why so serious?

I know I’ve been pretty quiet lately. There’s been a lot going on lately, and I’ve been unplugging more and more to deal with everything going on. There’s plenty of family drama going on with Jim’s ex … but that isn’t exactly anything new is it? Work is still going ok I guess. Two people in my department turned in their notices, so things will be a little tight for a while until the new hires (myself included) are brought up to speed. Jim is still out of work, so that’s definitely putting a strain on things. I’m really hoping he’ll be hired on where I’m working, but I haven’t received a definitive answer one way or the other if the company allows nepotism.

Over the last few months, I’ve been busying myself with various things — escapes, if you will. I finally finished Charlaine Harris’ Sookie Stackhouse series, and have made it a little over halfway through Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight series. I really liked the first book, but the second one was VERY hard to read. I’m now halfway through the third, but haven’t picked it up in several weeks. I’ve picked up handful of other books that have been recommended to me by various people, but haven’t started on any of them.

Call me a fangirl

I’ve been taking a break from reading to delve wholly into my latest obsession — Aion: The Tower of Eternity. It’s a new MMORPG by NCsoft (makers of Lineage, Heroes, Guild Wars, etc.). It’s due to release in September. Jim and I have participated in the last two closed betas and I am absolutely loving it. (so much so that I’ve set a screenshot of my character as my iPhone wallpaper *g*) It’s a visually stunning game, and I absolutely adore the soundtrack.

I’ve all but quit my other online gaming and will most likely play Aion exclusively once it’s released. Both Jim and I have pre-ordered and Jessie, after watching me play all this weekend, has asked if she could also play. She went into detail about the class and character name that she’s already chosen. Jim and I talked about it, and if she keeps her grades up, we’ll pay her subscription fees so that she can play with us.

It’s kind of funny … Jim recruited me, I recruited a couple of guys from work, and we’ve both inadvertently recruited Jessie … all to play Aion. I’ve had a few WoW buddies also express interest in playing. I think once it’s released, Aion will give WoW a serious run for its money.

Appreciation — the gift that gives back

One really great thing about working where I am now, I see a LOT more soldiers and vets! After being there just a couple of days, I learned to keep an extra stack of Soldiers’ Angels cards at my desk just in case I see a group in the mall. I also keep a stack in my car because I often will come across some when out and about running errands and/or grabbing lunch.

A couple of weeks ago, I had gone out to lunch with some of my coworkers. As we entered the restaurant, I ran across a soldier who was getting ready to leave. He politely spoke with me for a few minutes when I stopped to thank him for his service. His response was similar to that I’ve heard from several soldiers and vets: “Thank you, I wish more people felt the way you do.”

I assured him that most people appreciate their efforts and definitely support our military. So many people that I’ve talked to over the past year say that they want to help … they just don’t know how. While I encourage folks to look over the Soldiers’ Angels website and consider joining, I always stress making their support known. It doesn’t take much — if you see a soldier in uniform, or a veteran, walk up and say, “Thank you for your service.”

That’s it. No big elaborate speech or presentation necessary. Most people will politely thank you and go on their merry way. It’s a small task — and it really DOES make a huge difference. I really wish more people would show appreciation to those who are serving, have served, and who support those who did/are (their families need our appreciation too!). After all, it’s good manners … and I guarantee that you’ll feed good inside when you do.

Who knows you may just make somebody’s day!

If you want to walk the heavenly streets of gold, you gotta know the password, “Roll, Tide, Roll!”

There are many days where I will spend my lunch time surfing the web … sometimes with purpose, but usually aimlessly. Facebook is pretty good at helping with the latter. I jump from a friend’s link to another, then another, and half an hour later I’m on a “wild tangent surf”. StumbleUpon and Twitter are also good for this.

Today’s lunch surf session landed me on a lens (topic) at Squidoo on Bear Bryant. In case you don’t recognize my post’s title, that’s one of Bear’s quotes — one of my personal faves.

You know, it’s amazing that you can study a person, idolize them growing up, and still really NOT know everything about them. I remember hearing all the Alabama football “glory stories” growing up from both my parents and grandparents. I still remember watching Alabama play on TV. I remember watching The Bear Bryant Show on Sunday afternoons with my grandfather.

“Golden Flake and Coca-Cola … great pair, says ‘The Bear’!”

I remember the day he passed away. I remember watching his funeral on TV. Even at that young age, I knew that Alabama football wouldn’t be the same for a very long time. Hell, we got a pretty good coach right now. A lot of people say ole Nick reminds them of Bear. A lot of people (mostly other teams) tell us that we live in the past. But growing up here, how could you not? Over the years I’ve read and re-read some of my favorite Bear stories. There are tons of pages out there on the internet of quotes and tons of books about the man. Sure there, are tons of webpages and books on lots of worthless people, but their legends do not live on like Bear’s has!

So excuse me for being a living-breathing crimson-blooded outrageously-obnoxious Alabama fan, but Coach William Paul “Bear” Bryant was more than “just a coach” to me. He was more than a great motivator. He was more than a great leader. He was more than a friend, a confidant and a mentor to his players. He was a great man … and he was a veteran.

I didn’t know that last one. Did you?

I happily discovered via Wikipedia that Bear Bryant joined the US Navy following the bombing of Pearl Harbor. He served just off North Africa, but never saw any combat action. But the article does say that his ship, the SS Uruguay, was rammed by another ship and ordered to be abandoned. Bear disobeyed that order, which saved the lives of his men. It goes on to say that while in the Navy, he attained the rank of Lieutenant Commander.

The article goes on to describe the rest of his coaching career, but it surprised me that I hadn’t heard about his service before. I can’t say I’m surprised. Like I’ve always said Bear was a great man, and so many of our greatest can be found in our military. So many great men have served this great country before, and so many great men (and women!) are serving now.

While most will never gain Bear’s level of fame, if at all, they all richly deserve it in my eyes.

God bless your soul, Coach. And God bless our troops, vets, and those who love and support them!

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