What are Humpday Hilarities?
I get funny bits, jokes, and all sorts of things emailed to me by friends and relatives. I decided a while back that I would post these once a week on my blog, and so the weekly "Humpday Hilarities" posts were born. As the name suggests, I post these every Wednesday -- or try to. (Hey, sometimes life gets in the way.) I won't promise that they'll all be 100% work-safe, but I usually try to keep it clean.
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Today’s funnies are courtesy of Don:
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, ‘Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.’ — Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: – ‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.’ — Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. — Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. — George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. — Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. — Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. — Socrates
I was married by a judge.. I should have asked for a jury. — Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. — Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. — Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. — Alex Levine
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. — Rodney Dangerfield
Money can’t buy you happiness …. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. — Spike Milligan
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was ‘SHUT UP.’ — Joe Namath
I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap. — Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. — W. C. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. — Will Rogers
Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. — Winston Churchill
Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. — Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. — Billy Crystal
And the cardiologist’s diet: If it tastes good, spit it out!
Olympic Glory in Broadcasting
Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the London Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:
1. Weightlifting commentator : “This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.”
2. Dressage commentator : “This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.”
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast : “I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.”
4. Boxing Analyst : “Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.”
5. Softball announcer : “If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.”
6. Basketball analyst : “He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn’t like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.”
7. At the rowing medal ceremony : “Ah, isn’t that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.”
8. Soccer commentator : “Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got eleven Dicks on the field.”
9. Tennis commentator : “One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them… Oh my God, what have I just said?”
Today’s funnies are courtesy of Jeff:
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.
He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, “Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?”
The drunk looks back and says, “Yes, Preacher, I sure am.”
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. “Have you found Jesus?” the preacher asked.
“Nooo, I didn’t!” said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, “Now, brother, have you found Jesus?”
“Noooo, I did not Reverend.”
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, “My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?”
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”
Did you hear about the guy who fell in an upholstery machine?
He’s fully recovered.
July 11, 2012 by Nicki
Just thought I’d pass along a funny blog a friend turned me on to: Pintester. She’s (as The Daily What put it) “a one-woman testing operation who attempts to recreate enticing DIY Pinterest pins at home — at which point hilarity ensues.”
This woman seriously cracks me up, and I thought some of y’all might like it as well!
This week’s edition starts with this bit of fun courtesy of Uncle Monster:
You know you loved playing with these as a kid, admit it!
(click the image)
This next one is courtesy of I Can Has Cheezburger?
July 5, 2012 by Nicki
Hope everyone had a great 4th. This week’s funnies start off with this one from Don:
One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, “Where did you come from? How did you get here?”
She replies, “I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank.”
“Amazing,” he notes, “You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.”
“Oh, this thing?” explains the woman “I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches and the sides and stern came from a eucalyptus tree.”
“But, where did you get the tools?”
“Oh, that was no problem,” replied the woman, “On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware.”
The guy is stunned.
“Let’s row over to my place,” she says, “and I’ll give you a tour.”
So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, “It’s not much, but I call it home. Please sit down. Would you like a drink?”
“No! No thank you,” the man blurts out, still dazed, “I can’t take another drop of coconut juice.”
“Oh it’s not coconut juice,” winks the woman, “I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?”
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, “I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There’s a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs.”
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
“This woman is amazing,” he muses, “What’s next?”
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned. She smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
“Tell me,” she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, “We’ve both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around?”
He can’t believe what he’s hearing. “You mean … ” he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, “You’ve built a Golf Course?”
This next one is courtesy of Uncle Monster via Facebook:
This next one is courtesy of Mariner:
I have no enemies
Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?”
About 80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.
“Mr. Barnes, it’s obviously not a good morning for golf. It’s good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”
“I don’t have any,” he replied gruffly.
“Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?”
“Ninety-eight,” he replied.
The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
“Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?”
The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, “I outlived all the sons of bitches.”
And last but not least, this is from Tanya:
Question: What do diapers and politicians have in common?
Answer: They both need changing regularly — for exactly the same reason.
June 27, 2012 by Nicki
This week’s funny is courtesy of Simon’s Cat, featuring his latest: “Window Pain”
June 20, 2012 by Nicki
Today’s funnies start off with a variation of one of my favorite jokes:
Where is God?
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved .The boys’ mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Do you know where God is, son?”
The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God?!
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “WHERE IS GOD?!”
The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him .When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “What happened?”
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, “We are in BIG trouble this time! GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!”
These next two are courtesy of Facebook:
A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good-looking and athletic; but the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.
“Darling wife,” the husband whispers, “assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if–”
The wife gently interrupts him. “Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother’s grave that you are his father.”
The man then dies, happy.
The wife mutters under her breath: “Thank God he didn’t ask about the other three.”
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, “Which do you think is farther away … Florida or the moon?”
The other blonde turns to her and says, “Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?”
June 13, 2012 by Nicki
This week’s funny is courtesy of the Cheezburger/FailBlog site, Parenting Fails:
June 6, 2012 by Nicki
Today’s funnies start off with this one from my coworker, Tiffany:
Two reasons why its hard to solve a redneck murder.
- The DNA all matches.
- There are no dental records.
This next one is from Don:
May 30, 2012 by Nicki
Today’s funnies start off with this one from Jeff on FaceBook:
Seems there were these three professionals sitting around talking about the oldest profession.
The Doctor says, “Well, the Bible says that God took a rib out of Adam to make woman. Since that clearly required surgery, then the oldest profession is surely medicine.”
The Engineer shakes his head and replies, “No, no. The Bible also says that God created the world out of void and chaos. To do that, God must surely have been an engineer. Therefore, Engineering is the oldest profession.”
The Lawyer smiles smugly and leans discreetly forward. “Ah,” he says, “but who do you think created the Chaos?”
And then there’s this one that I ran across on YouTube: