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One more week, Bama fans!

One week from tomorrow is Alabama’s first game of the 2010 football season and I can’t wait! Are you excited?

Here’s a few goodies to ‘tide’ us over until next weekend, starting with this funny which has made its way to me via email, Facebook, and Twitter!

And as always, Bama Foundation provides us with a great hype video for the new year:

And let’s not forget these gems courtesy of the U of A Athletic Department!

And to any Bama fan who’s never been, I highly recommend visiting the Paul W. Bryant Museum.

And who can forget, our favorite taunt?

ROLL TIDE ROLL!

60 Days …

Are you ready, Tide fans?

ROLL TIDE ROLL!

Humpday Hilarities: National Championship Edition

In honor of tonight’s matchup, I’ve compiled a list of football-related funnies from a myriad of sources. So without further ado, let’s get started:

Q: What does a tornado in Dallas and a divorce in Houston have in common?
A: In both cases someone is going to lose a trailer!

A UT grad is driving home from work when his cell phone rings. He answers and his wife says, “Honey I just wanted to warn you and let you know that I am watching the news and some idiot is driving on the wrong side of the interstate.”

The UT grad then replied “I am already on my way home, but you’re wrong. It is not one idiot but hundreds of them.”

Albert Einstein goes to a party. He introduces himself to a lady and says, “Hi, I’m Albert Einstein. What’s you’re IQ?”

“240,” she says.

“Great, we can discuss the mysteries of the universe and other things. We have a lot we can talk about ” he replies. Later he is talking with a man and says, “Hi, I’m Albert Einstein. What’s you’re IQ?”

“145,” he replies.

“Great, we can talk about thermodynamics,” says Albert. Later he is talking to another gentleman and says, “Hi, I’m Albert Einstein. What’s you’re IQ?”

“43,” the man manages to say. Einstein gets a puzzled look on his face for a minute then says, “How about them Longhorns?”

A Longhorn fan was driving in his car and swerving wildly from left to right. This went on for about five minutes until finally a cop pulls him over and asks, “Sir, why are you driving that way?”

The UT grad replies, “Well officer, I was driving along when I saw a tree. I had to move left until I saw another tree. Practically everywhere I went, I saw a tree and I had to keep turning.”

Then the cop said, “You are a Longhorns fan aren’t you?”

“Yeah! How did you know?”

“That’s your air freshener.”

An Alabama fan and a Texas fan are standing on opposite ends of a river yelling across at each other about which team is better. Suddenly, a genie pops out of thin air and offers to grant each fan a single wish.

The Texas fan pipes out, “I’ll go first.” The genie agrees and allows the Texas fan to annouce his wish first. “I want to build a wall that is 300 feet high and 100 feet thick around the state of Texas to keep all those Alabama fans out.” The genie agrees and ‘POOF!’, a wall 100 feet high and 100 feet thick pops up around the entire state of Texas.

The genie then turns to the Alabama fan and asks, “So what is your wish?” The Alabama fan points toward the giant wall and says, “Fill’er up.”

A Longhorns fan walks into a doctor’s office and removes his hat to reveal a frog sitting on his head. The doctor asks, “How can I help you?” The frog replies, “I was wondering if you could help me get this wart off my butt.”

Q: Why do University of Texas fans keep their diplomas on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.

It was reported that Texas head football coach Mack Brown will only be dressing twenty players for the national championship game. The rest of the players will have to get dressed by themselves.

Q: What do you get when you breed a groundhog and the Texas Longhorns?
A: Six more weeks of bad football.

Q: How many University of Texas freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That’s a sophomore course.

Q: What do Texas and pot have in common?
A: They both get smoked in bowls!

ROLL TIDE ROLL!

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start off with this one from Cookie:

GOLF CART ACCIDENT

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, “I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible golf cart wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

“Tom was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom’s scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

“Now,” she announced in a quavering voice, thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, “I’m Tom.”

The entire congregation held its breath.

“I just want to tell my wife that the correct word is ‘sternum’.”

And this is a little something for any Longhorn fans, courtesy of Teresa:

Click to enlarge

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start off with these from Furry Talk:

Feline Physics Laws

Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force — such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.

Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

Law of Cat Obstruction
A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.

Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat’s resistance varies in proportion to a human’s desire for her to do something.

First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat’s irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid- section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.

Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat’s interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn’t Matter.

And this one is courtesy of my Cotillion sister, Fausta:

Giving Up Wine

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, ‘If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?’

‘No, I had to stop drinking years ago’, the homeless woman told me.

‘Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?’ I asked.

‘No, I don’t waste time shopping,’ the homeless woman said. ‘I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.’

‘Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?’ I asked.

‘Are you NUTS!’ replied the homeless woman. I haven’t had my hair done in 20 years!’

‘Well, I said, ‘I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.’

The homeless woman was shocked. ‘Won’t your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting…’

I said, ‘That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.’

And last but not least, some Iron Bowl humor courtesy of Teresa:

Bad storm brewing!!!!

The National Weather Service in Mobile, Alabama is following a hurricane developing in the Gulf of Mexico said to be the size of Mount Cody with Ingram-sized hail and Julio lighting. The storm is moving at Richardson speeds and has McClain-force winds. If you are in the Auburn area you can kiss your ass good-bye, ’cause the Tide is gonna be rolling in.

ROLL TIDE ROLL!!!!

I got down with my sickness

I’ll say this: Thank God for the scheduled posts ability in WordPress and the WordPress application on my iPhone. Without those, absolutely nothing would have been posted here last week.

I had been ill off and on all last week, but it hit hardest Friday. And by that I mean I got DOWN with the sickness, LOL! Literally knocking me on my butt, and right into bed. I missed most of the Alabama vs Arkansas game, but woke up in time to hear Rammer Jammer being sung by the crowd in T’town. I missed WordCamp Birmingham entirely and am really bummed about that. (can someone let me know where the lecture notes are posted?)

I also missed a Ladies Night Out meeting, but was pretty sure I was going to miss it even before I got sick. I haven’t been to a meeting in a while and have been dying to join one of the karaoke outings.

Well, after 3 full days of sleep I am feeling much MUCH better! Of course I’ve spent half the morning clearing out emails and voicemails and will probably be doing so for most of the rest of the day today, LOL!

I took some time this morning to submit a new fanlisting that I’ve started:

I’ll be sure to post when it’s approved and “gone live.”

Football Funnies!

I couldn’t resist posting these football-related funnies. This first set is courtesy of ALCrimsonTide:

Q: What do you call Arkansas when they find out they can’t throw the ball on Alabama?
A: GroundHogs.

Q: What would happen if pigs could fly?
A: Bacon would go up.

Q:What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A: A piiig

Q: Did you hear the story about the razorback hog?
A: It’s pretty dull.

Q: How does a Petrino write up plays for Arkansas?
A: With a pig pen.

Two Arkansas grads were walking in the woods. One said, “Look! A dead bird.”
The other looked to the sky and said, “Where?”

What’s a seven course meal in Fayetteville?
A possum and a six-pack.

Where was OJ headed in his white Bronco?
To Arkansas. He knew the police would never look for a Heisman winner there.

What is the line heard most from graduates of Arkansas’ business school?
Would you like fries with that?

And this one I adapted from one of Cookie‘s

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

“Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!”

Very good,” said her mother.

“Is it because I’m from Arkansas?” the girl said.

“Yes, it’s because you’re from Arkansas,” said the mommy

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

“Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled,”we were saying the alphabet, today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!”

“Very good,” said her mother.

“Is it because I’m from Arkansas, Mommy?”

“Yes, it’s because you’re from Arkansas.”

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

“Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled,”we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!” And she lifted her tank top to reveal a fully developed chest.

“Very good,” said her embarrassed mother.

“Is it because I’m from Arkansas, Mommy?”

“No, Honey, it’s because you’re 34.”

Soaked and sunburned, and zombies, and Aion

Wow, what a weekend. Right now I’m sitting here waiting out the remaining two hours until the Aion Head Start event. I figured this would be a good time as any to post a few things.

Jess, Teresa and I spent yesterday in T’town. We went down there to watch the Tide take on North Texas. Jim was originally supposed to go with us, but he was kind enough to stay home to get our house ready to show to some prospective buyers. (Which, funny enough, he neglected to tell me about until Friday night when I got home and was already mad as a hornet for having spent 2 hours in traffic!)

We picked Teresa up in McCalla and headed down I-59. It rained the entire time. Once we reached Tuscaloosa, finding a parking spot was pretty tricky. The university has taken over some parking lots that were once public to reserve for Tide Pride members. We got lucky and parked by some friends in nearby apartments.

Hooray for friends!

It rained and rained and RAINED. Even though all three of us were wearing ponchos, we were still soaked to the bone. We walked all over the quad, visited various shop tents and after watching the Million Dollar Band do their usual pre-game routine, slowly made our way to Bryant-Denny stadium. It was at this point that it FINALLY quit raining. With the exception of a few drops here or there, the weather was pretty nice for the rest of the day! We made our way into the stadium and up to our seats and tried our best to dry out. About halfway into the game, the sun made its grand entrance.

Of course, the sunscreen I had put on yesterday morning before leaving the house had washed off … so I’m a little sunburned. This is the first game I’ve ever attended where I’ve been soaked and sunburned in the same day! LOL!

It was all a great day of fun though. The Tide looked really good. The halftime show was great. The MDB played a tribute to Motown. IMO the best part was the finale … they played ‘Thriller’ by Michael Jackson. All of the color guard and dance teams put on some raggedy clothes and danced as zombies like in the original video. It was awesome!!

The Tide won 53-7, so pretty early in the second half a lot of people were leaving. The traffic going home was light compared to every other Bama game I’ve ever attended. We made it home long before dinner time and I happily napped as soon as I could get my tired and weary bones through the door and into the bed.

Today Jess left us to spend the next few days with her mother. She didn’t want to go (not that I blame her) but I tried to assure her that she wouldn’t miss much of the Aion head start and we’d see her again later this week. Our deal is that as long as her grades are up, she can play Aion. So far, that’s proving to be a GREAT motivator as far as school goes!

And speaking of Aion, I was able to get things sorted out with GoGamer. Our Aion packs arrived Friday afternoon. Jim and I ordered the Collector’s Edition, Jessie got the regular (and hers came in a very NICE tin!). Here’s a few pics I snapped that night after opening my box:

Incidentally, if you have also ordered the CE, you will want to read this article by The Aion Guy: How To Receive Your Aion Pre-Order Items!

Just one more week ’til football!

It’s almost here. Are you ready Tide fans?

ROLL TIDE ROLL!

Humpday Hilarities

This morning’s edition starts off with a couple of funnies from my mother:

Three Women in Mexico

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.” They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. “I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.” They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

The last one (you know it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Georgia and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, y’all ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.

Top Ten Indicators That Your Employer Has Changed to Obama’s Health Care Plan:

(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
(9) Directions to your doctor’s office include “Take a left when you enter the trailer park.”
(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
(7) The only proctologist in the plan is “Gus” from Roto-Rooter.
(6) The only item l isted under Preventative Care Coverage is “an apple a day.”
(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
(4) “The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges,” is not a typographical error.
(3) The only expense covered 100% is “Embalming.”
(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M’s on them.
(1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

And these I just couldn’t resist …

You’re probably an Auburn fan if …

… You can play the Auburn fight song using your armpit.
… Your wife’s idea of cleaning house is throwing everything out into the yard.
… The Roto-Rooter man stops by your trailer and asks, “What’s that smell?”
… You’re a member of the Skoal Frequent Purchaser Program.
… You looked up your family tree and your uncle spit on you.
… You joined Alcoholics Anonymous so you can drink and use a different name.
… You looked out for #1 and stepped in #2 !!!
… You won’t buy a Japanese car because you’re afraid you won’t understand what they say on the radio.
… Your kids go to a private school and they won’t tell you where it is.
… Your Granny beats you in the tobacky spittin’ contests.

A Bama alum, a Tennessee alum and an Auburn alum have been captured by Iraqi forces and are about to be executed by firing squad. First, the Bama alum is blindfolded and placed in front of the firing squad. The Iraqi officer said, “Ready, aim …” The Bama alum yells “Sandstorm!” and all the Iraqis hit the dirt and the Bama alum runs away. The Tennessee guy was placed in front of the firing squad. The officer said “Ready, aim …”; The Tennessean shouted “Tornado!”. All the Iraqis again hit the dirt while the Volunteer escaped. The Auburn guy thought this was great. When he was blindfolded, again the officer shouted “Ready, aim….” The Aubie shouted “FIRE!”

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