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Humpday Hilarities

I have a couple for y’all today. This first one is courtesy of Cookie. Not only funny, but word to the wise as well.

Gun Wisdom

Some words to the wise. Shooting advice from various Concealed Carry instructors. If you own a gun, you will appreciate this. If not, you should get one and learn how to use it.

A; Guns have only two enemies: rust and politicians.

B; Its always better to be judged by 12 than carried by 6.

C; Cops carry guns to protect themselves, not you.

D; Never let someone or something that threatens you get inside your arm’s length.

E; Never say “I’ve got a gun.” If you need to use deadly force, the first sound they hear should be the safety clicking off.

F; The average response time of a 911 call is 23 minutes, the response time of a .357 is 1400 feet per second.

G; The most important rule in a gunfight is: Always win — cheat if necessary but win.

H; Make your attacker advance through a wall of bullets … You may get killed with your own gun, but he’ll have to beat you to death with it ’cause it’ll be empty.

I; If you’re in a gun fight:

1. If you’re not shooting, you should be loading.
2. If you’re not loading, you should be movin.
3. If you’re not movin’, you’re dead.

J; In a life and death situation, don’t just stand there. Do something … It may be wrong, but do something!

K; If you carry a gun, people call you paranoid. Nonsense! If you have a gun, what do you have to be paranoid about?

L; You can say ‘stop’ or ‘alto’ or any other word, but a large bore muzzle pointed at someone’s head is pretty much a universal language.

M; You cannot save the planet, but you may be able to save yourself and your family.

This next one has been shared with me by several people on Facebook:

A son decided his mother could not live alone anymore, she was just too senile. So he decided to take her to all the homes in the district to decide which one she liked the most.

The first one was a pleasant surprise. Lovely gardens, lots of oldsters chatting happily. The owner offered to take the son on a tour around the premises, so he sat his mom in the middle of a big sofa, and went off for the tour.

The attendant noticed the old lady was slumping, tilting to her right. She promptly straightened the old lady up, padded her right side, and called the nurse. About 5 minutes later, the old lady, with a fixed look on her face, started tilting to her left. The nurse straightened her up, add padded her with more cushions, wondering if she should call the doctor.

A few minutes later, the old lady started to slump forwards, and again, the routine of straightening her up and padding with cushions.

The son arrived at that moment:

“Mom, this place is a paradise. Lovely staff, game rooms, good food, big garden, nice inmates! You’ll love it!”

His mother retorted, “Love it my arse. It’s a bloody prison camp. They won’t even let me fart … “

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start off with this one from Facebook via George Takei and many others:

These next couple are courtesy of Cookie:

Poor little guy, I know JUST how he feels! LOL

This funny is courtesy of Geekologie:

And last but not least, another gem from George Takei, this time on the subject of Star Wars vs Star Trek:

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start off with this one I’ve seen on both I Has a Hotdog and Facebook:

And next is this one from Tumblr:

And last but not least, this awesome bit is courtesy of one of my Aion legionmates:

Humpday Hilarities

Howdy funny fans! Today’s edition starts off with this one from I Has a Hotdog:

This next one comes from Adam on Facebook:

This next one is from Cookie:

Why Many Athletes Can’t Have Regular Jobs:

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: “I wan’ all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan’ all the kids to copulate me.”

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: “I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.”

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the ‘Skin’s say: “I’d run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,” Matt Millen of the Raiders said: “To win, I’d run over Joe’s Mom, too.”

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: “He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings..”

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: “Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: “I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.” (Now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: “You guys line up alphabetically by height..” And, “You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle.”

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: “Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton.”

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: “That’s so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes.”

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota: “He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is.”

11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: “My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt. (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player: “I asked him, ‘Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?’ He said, ‘Coach, I don’t know and I don’t care.’”

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F’s and one D: “Son, looks to me like you’re spending too much time on one subject.”

14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford: “I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious.”

15. Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: “Because she’s too damn ugly to kiss good-bye.”

A big Thank You to everyone who sends me funnies. Keep ‘em coming!

Tears falling on Alabama

I’d like to start by saying: We’re OK! We really appreciate the emails, texts, Tweets, Facebook messages, and so on. We made it out with little damage and are really counting our blessings. Many in our neighboring communities did not fare so well. My beloved state and home is hurting right now, and there are many who did not make it through the storms. My heart goes out to all affected by yesterday’s destructive weather.

Gardendale made it out OK for the most part. Our sister city, Fultondale, looks like a war zone. Had the tornado that hit Birmingham been just a few miles northward, that would’ve been us. But it wasn’t, I have to keep telling myself. We were really lucky. We have many friends in other affected communities: Cullman, Tuscaloosa, Prattville, Warrior, Huntsville, downtown Birmingham. This particular system hit all the way up and down the state, leaving massive destruction in its wake. We had plenty of warning, but how do you prepare for an F5 tornado?

It just goes to show that no matter how prepared you think you are, it’s never enough. I’ve found that a smart phone is no replacement for a weather radio or battery-operated radio and stock of flashlights. That said, I have to give kudos to ABC33/40 for their nice weather app. I’m a big Fox6 fan, but found 33/40′s easier to use when we lost power. I was able to still get streaming video and weather updates …

… at least until the cell towers died.

But seriously, there’s still a lot of folks sitting in the dark right along with us; or worse, have no home to come back to. Please keep my fellow Alabamians in your thoughts and/or prayers. And for anyone looking for resources to help (or for help), here’s what I’ve found so far:

To donate to disaster victims in Alabama:

• Online: go to www.alredcross.org and click on the “donate now” link on the homepage
• Call: 1-800-RED-CROSS (1-800-733-2767) and you will be prompted to a menu that includes financial donations
• Text: “Red Cross” to 90999. A response will include two options for donations, either to Japan or for Disasters: domestic and spring storms.

To get in touch with local chapters:

• Northern Alabama http://www.redcrossrelief.org/
• Mid-Alabama (Birmingham) http://www.alredcross.org/general.asp?SN=8618&OP=8619&IDCapitulo=DRGYJ0Q5XZ
• Central Alabama (Montgomery) http://www.montgomeryarc.org/
• Southern Alabama http://www.redcrossalcoast.org/

Find a Red Cross shelter near you:

• Visit http://www.redcross.org/nss/

For storm survivors: Register yourself as “Safe and Well:”

• https://safeandwell.communityos.org/cms/index.php

Humpday Hilarities

Oh boy! Today’s funnies start off with these from Cookie:

A Senior Moment at Church

A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that could pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up and proclaims, “If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!” The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, “If the Preacher will stay on here, I’ll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!” More sighs and loud applause.

Joe Tavares stands up and says, “If the preacher stays I will provide him with all the wine he wants.”

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, “If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex!”

There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her, “Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?”

Sadie’s 92 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, “Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, ‘Screw him!’”

This one is from my mother:

With time, women gain weight because we accumulate so much information and Wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our bodies. So we aren’t heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy.

Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, “Good grief, look how smart I am!”

Must be where the term ‘Smart Ass’ came from!

And last but not least, this has made its way around both my Tumblr and Facebook friends lists, and I thought it was too cute not to share:

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start off with this one that I’ve seen all over Facebook and the Tide Fans forums:

This one is from Mike:

And this one from Darron:

Poor little guy, I don’t blame him one bit!

One more week, Bama fans!

One week from tomorrow is Alabama’s first game of the 2010 football season and I can’t wait! Are you excited?

Here’s a few goodies to ‘tide’ us over until next weekend, starting with this funny which has made its way to me via email, Facebook, and Twitter!

And as always, Bama Foundation provides us with a great hype video for the new year:

And let’s not forget these gems courtesy of the U of A Athletic Department!

And to any Bama fan who’s never been, I highly recommend visiting the Paul W. Bryant Museum.

And who can forget, our favorite taunt?

ROLL TIDE ROLL!

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start off with this one courtesy of I Can Has Cheezburger?:

This one is courtesy of Cookie:

And last but not least, this one I snagged from Jeff on Facebook:

3′s of Me

I was tagged by the lovely Angela on Facebook, but I’m a goober and wanted to post it here instead.

These were the original instructions:

You’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with the 3′s of YOU. At the end, choose 20 people to be tagged. You have to tag me so really you just need 19 more people. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you – but not in a creepy stalker kind of way.

I LOL’d at that last bit. Ok, so here goes nothing …

Three names I go by:
1. Nicki
2. Boo (only my husband is allowed to call me this)
3. Nitallica (well, no one really calls me that anymore)

Three Jobs I have had in my life:
1. Waitress
2. Billing clerk
3. Software developer

Three Places I have lived:
1. Mobile, AL
2. Corner, AL
3. Hueytown, AL

Three Favorite drinks:
1. Sweet Tea (no lemon!)
2. Sour Apple Martini
3. Grapico

Three TV Shows that I watch:
1. Burn Notice
2. The Closer
3. MythBusters

Three places I have been:
1. Sacramento, CA
2. Miami, FL
3. Minneapolis, MN

People that text me regularly:
1. Jim
2. Jim’s ex (hey, it’s better than her calling!)
3. Teresa

Three of my favorite foods:
1. Roast beef tips and gravy
2. Pretty much any kind of pasta
3. Chilli

Three friends I think will respond:
1. Teresa
2. Ben
3. Don

Three Things I am looking forward to:
1. FOOTBALL SEASON!!!!
2. Finishing the armful of books I’ve recently bought to read
3. The next time I see my sweet little angel girl.

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