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Humpday Hilarities

This morning’s funny is courtesy of Don:

THREE HOLY MEN AND A BEAR

A Priest, a Pentecostal Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they’re all together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. “Well,” he says, “I went into the woods to find a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.”

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an IV drip in his arm, and both legs in casts. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, “WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.”

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV’s and monitors running in and out of him. He was in real bad shape.

The Rabbi looks up and says, “Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.”

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start off with this one from I Can Has Cheezburger?:

And these are from my mother-in-law:

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start off with this one from Uncle Monster:

This one is from I Can Has Cheezburger?

And while I’m on the subject of kittehs, if you’re in need of some cute and furry goodness, these are a few of my favorite feline bloggers:

• Maru
• Winston (and sometimes Rudy too)
• Melvin, and his new sister Zoey
• Conan

Go now! Clicky clicky!!!

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start off with these from my pal Don:

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and she said, ”Mabel, do you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?’

Mabel answered, ‘I have a suppository in my ear?’

She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, ‘Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.’

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, ‘Now don’t get mad at me….I know we’ve been friends for a long time……but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is..’

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, ‘How soon do you need to know?’

And this funny is courtesy of Cookie:

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start off with these from Furry Talk:

Feline Physics Laws

Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force — such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.

Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

Law of Cat Obstruction
A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.

Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat’s resistance varies in proportion to a human’s desire for her to do something.

First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat’s irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid- section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.

Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat’s interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn’t Matter.

And this one is courtesy of my Cotillion sister, Fausta:

Giving Up Wine

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, ‘If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?’

‘No, I had to stop drinking years ago’, the homeless woman told me.

‘Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?’ I asked.

‘No, I don’t waste time shopping,’ the homeless woman said. ‘I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.’

‘Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?’ I asked.

‘Are you NUTS!’ replied the homeless woman. I haven’t had my hair done in 20 years!’

‘Well, I said, ‘I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.’

The homeless woman was shocked. ‘Won’t your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting…’

I said, ‘That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.’

And last but not least, some Iron Bowl humor courtesy of Teresa:

Bad storm brewing!!!!

The National Weather Service in Mobile, Alabama is following a hurricane developing in the Gulf of Mexico said to be the size of Mount Cody with Ingram-sized hail and Julio lighting. The storm is moving at Richardson speeds and has McClain-force winds. If you are in the Auburn area you can kiss your ass good-bye, ’cause the Tide is gonna be rolling in.

ROLL TIDE ROLL!!!!

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start off with this one, courtesy of my pal Cookie:

Tom retired in his early 50’s and started a second career. However, even though he loved his new job, he just couldn’t seem to get to work on time. Every day, he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. Finally, one day, his boss called him into the office for a talk.

“Tom, I must tell you, I truly like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but being late for work nearly every day is quite annoying to me as well as your fellow workers.”

Tom replied, “Yes, sir, I know. I’m sorry, but I am working on it.”

“That’s what I like to hear,” his boss said. “However, the fact that you consistently come to work late does puzzle me because I understand that you retired from the United States Marine Corps, and they have some pretty rigid rules about tardiness. Isn’t that correct?”

“Yes. I did retire from the Marine Corps, and I’m mighty proud of it!” said Tom.

“Well, what did they say when you came in late?” asked his boss.

“They said, ‘Good morning, General’.”

This one is from my friend Adam:

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, ‘PULL OVER!’

‘NO!’ the blonde yelled back, ‘IT’S A SCARF!’

This one is courtesy of my Cotillion sister, Cassandra:

A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle — a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi.

That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening – red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze — perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get ‘those feelings’ again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn’t had sex for months. Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, ‘Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?’

And last but not least, this one from my friend Catina:

This is the true story of a garage owner in New Mexico. He was sick and tired of thugs breaking into his garage shop to steal tools, etc. so he came up with this idea… He put the word out that he had a new “mexican lion” that would attack anyone that would break in or climb his fence.

Would-be thieves saw the “lion” from a distance and fled the scene.

Humpday Hilarities

These funnies come courtesy of Cookie:

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee..

The first Catholic man tells his friends, “My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”

The second Catholic man chirps, “My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Grace’..”

The third Catholic gent says, “My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says ‘Your Eminence’..”

The fourth Catholic man then says, “My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Holiness’.”

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, “Well….?”

She proudly replies, “I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breasts 24″ waist and 34″ hips. When she walks into a room, people say, “Oh My God.”

Deer Camp

Mike was attending his hunting club’s monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn’t make the hunting trip scheduled for the next day because his wife wouldn’t let him go.

After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his buddies Mike left to go back home to his wife.

When Mike’s friends started arriving to set up camp the next day, who should be there but Mike sitting in front of his tent, cocktail in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.

“How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Mike?”

“I didn’t have to” was Mike’s reply. “When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a cocktail to drown my sorrows. Then Melissa snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, ‘Surprise’!

“When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said, ‘Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want.’

“So … here I am!”

And last but not least, here’s the latest installment of Simon’s Cat:

This so reminds me of Hobie

I can remember playing Descent and Doom years ago and she would lay on top of my monitor trying to “catch” things on the screen.

What are your mood lifters?

On days where I bring my lunch to work, I usually sit at my desk and read my feeds. With all the things going on, I’ve found that most days I want stuff to keep me in good mood — or if I’m in a particularly bad one, to enhance my mood.

A couple days back, GeekSugar posted 10 Sites That Will Instantly Lift Your Mood. While the entries were pretty neat (I particularly enjoyed FML but it’s not really mood-lifting IMO), but honestly none of those I would visit when I was in need of a serious dose of smiles and gigglies.

These are my mood lifters, in no particular order:

• I Can Has Cheezburger? – LOLcats and LOLanimals own. ‘Nuff said.
• I Has a Hotdog! – Sister site to the ICHC, featuring LOLdogs of course. More awesomeness.
• Cute Overload – Introduced to this by my pal DocJeff, this never ceases to make me smile.
• ZooBorns – Announcements of baby zoo animals born all over the world. Entertaining and usually very educational. Dual-awesomeness.
• Cute Animals Channel on Today’s Big Thing – A daily feeding of furry funny video.
• Cukiság – A Hungarian cute animals site. Even though I usually don’t understand any of the text, the photos are cool.
• FurryTalk – A good site, with a mix of LOLpics, jokes, and inspirational animal stories.

I could name a few others, but these are the ones I hit every day. They’re good for a quick smile, and likely help keep me sane.

So what sites are your mood lifters?

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies are of the furry variety.

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