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Humpday Hilarities

I have a couple for y’all today. This first one is courtesy of Cookie. Not only funny, but word to the wise as well.

Gun Wisdom

Some words to the wise. Shooting advice from various Concealed Carry instructors. If you own a gun, you will appreciate this. If not, you should get one and learn how to use it.

A; Guns have only two enemies: rust and politicians.

B; Its always better to be judged by 12 than carried by 6.

C; Cops carry guns to protect themselves, not you.

D; Never let someone or something that threatens you get inside your arm’s length.

E; Never say “I’ve got a gun.” If you need to use deadly force, the first sound they hear should be the safety clicking off.

F; The average response time of a 911 call is 23 minutes, the response time of a .357 is 1400 feet per second.

G; The most important rule in a gunfight is: Always win — cheat if necessary but win.

H; Make your attacker advance through a wall of bullets … You may get killed with your own gun, but he’ll have to beat you to death with it ’cause it’ll be empty.

I; If you’re in a gun fight:

1. If you’re not shooting, you should be loading.
2. If you’re not loading, you should be movin.
3. If you’re not movin’, you’re dead.

J; In a life and death situation, don’t just stand there. Do something … It may be wrong, but do something!

K; If you carry a gun, people call you paranoid. Nonsense! If you have a gun, what do you have to be paranoid about?

L; You can say ‘stop’ or ‘alto’ or any other word, but a large bore muzzle pointed at someone’s head is pretty much a universal language.

M; You cannot save the planet, but you may be able to save yourself and your family.

This next one has been shared with me by several people on Facebook:

A son decided his mother could not live alone anymore, she was just too senile. So he decided to take her to all the homes in the district to decide which one she liked the most.

The first one was a pleasant surprise. Lovely gardens, lots of oldsters chatting happily. The owner offered to take the son on a tour around the premises, so he sat his mom in the middle of a big sofa, and went off for the tour.

The attendant noticed the old lady was slumping, tilting to her right. She promptly straightened the old lady up, padded her right side, and called the nurse. About 5 minutes later, the old lady, with a fixed look on her face, started tilting to her left. The nurse straightened her up, add padded her with more cushions, wondering if she should call the doctor.

A few minutes later, the old lady started to slump forwards, and again, the routine of straightening her up and padding with cushions.

The son arrived at that moment:

“Mom, this place is a paradise. Lovely staff, game rooms, good food, big garden, nice inmates! You’ll love it!”

His mother retorted, “Love it my arse. It’s a bloody prison camp. They won’t even let me fart … “

Humpday Hilarities

Courtesy of my Cotillion sister, Beth C:

Posted to Craig’s List Personals:

To the Guy Who Mugged Me Downtown (Downtown, Birmingham )

Date: 2009-01-06, 3:43AM EST

I was the white guy with the brown Burberry leather jacket that you demanded I hand over shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend’s purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come across this message. I’d like to apologize.

I didn’t expect you to crap your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, because it wasn’t that cold outside. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that COLT 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh? It’s a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn’t it?

I know it probably wasn’t a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you’d come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your jockey shorts. I’m sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. I couldn’t have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again. I took the liberty of calling your mother, or “Momma” as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself some gas on your card. I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go’s, along with all of the cash in your wallet, then I threw the wallet itself in a dumpster.

I also called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell. They’ll be on your bill in case you’d like to know which ones. SoBell recently shut down the line, and I’ve only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don’t know what’s going on with that. I hope they haven’t permanently cut off your service. I was about to make some threatening phone calls to the DA’s office with it. Oh well.

So, about your pants. I know that I was a little rough on you when you did this whole attempted mugging thing, so I’d like to make it up to you. I’m sure you’ve already washed your jockey shorts and your pants, so I’d like to help you out. I’d like to reimburse you for the detergent you used on the pants. What brand did you use, and was it liquid or powder? I’d also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I’m hoping that you’ll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky. If you read this message, email me and we’ll do lunch and laundry. Peace!

– Alex

And this one is courtesy of Scott Allan:

Alabama Judge gives 7 year old right to decide custody.

Birmingham , Al, December 31, 2008

A seven year old boy was at the center of a county courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy had a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Auburn University Football Team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

Roll Tide!!!

Call me a pistol-packin’ mama!

Last weekend, Jim and I exchanged Christmas gifts a few days early. Meet our newest additions to the “arsenal”.

The first, Jim’s present to me: a Smith & Wesson 642 .38 Special. The second, my present to Jim: a Ruger P345 ACP .45.

The next trip to the firing range is gonna be fun!

I don’t carry a gun …

… to kill people. I carry a gun to keep from being killed.

I don’t carry a gun to scare people. I carry a gun because sometimes this world can be a scary place.

I don’t carry a gun because I’m paranoid. I carry a gun because there are real threats in the world.

I don’t carry a gun because I’m evil. I carry a gun because I have lived long enough to see the evil in the world.

I don’t carry a gun because I hate the government. I carry a gun because I understand the limitations of government.

I don’t carry a gun because I’m angry. I carry a gun so that I don’t have to spend the rest of my life hating myself for failing to be prepared.

I don’t carry a gun because my sex organs are too small. I carry a gun because I want to continue to use those sex organs for the purpose for which they were intended for a good long time to come.

I don’t carry a gun because I want to shoot someone. I carry a gun because I want to die at a ripe old age in my bed, and not on a sidewalk somewhere tomorrow afternoon.

I don’t carry a gun because I’m a cowboy. I carry a gun because, when I die and go to heaven, I want to be a cowboy.

I don’t carry a gun to make me feel like a man. I carry a gun because men know how to take care of themselves and the ones they love.

I don’t carry a gun because I feel inadequate. I carry a gun because unarmed and facing three armed thugs, I am inadequate.

I don’t carry a gun because I love it. I carry a gun because I love life and the people who make it meaningful to me.

H/T: Jo’s Cafe and Front Sight, Press

Reflection and call to action

I received a text message from a friend late last night which said:

“Now I know how you feel when Auburn wins.”

Jim woke me up last night to tell me the news. While the three-ring media circus leading up to this event is finally over, I could not shake this feeling of dread. I had to remind myself that even though the man I wanted to win did not, the one that did works for me and the other 300 million Americans who live in this great land!

Taking my cue from BlackFive, I will now stand up and demand that the man in charge listen. And I hope others will do the same.

Demand that President Obama not cut and run from Iraq or Afghanistan.

Demand that President Obama not allow tyrants and thugs to threaten us our the world with nuclear weapons.

Demand that he respect our constitutional rights regarding free speech and gun ownership.

Demand that our “wealth” will not be “shared” with some lazy, no account, welfare dirtbags who would rather have a hand-out than a hand up to something better.

Demand that President Barack Obama respect the sacrifices of the great men and women who keep this nation the last best hope for those that yearn for freedom and keep us from going gently into that good-night.

God bless those who have fought for our freedom to choose who we want to lead us. I think too often we forget how blessed we really are to live as free people. With that freedom comes responsibility, and that my friends, is in OUR HANDS.

“There is no nation on earth powerful enough to accomplish our overthrow. Our destruction, should it come at all, will be from another quarter. From the inattention of the people to the concerns of their government, from their carelessness and negligence. I must confess that I do apprehend some danger. I fear that they may place too implicit a confidence in their public servants and fail properly to scrutinize their conduct; that in this way they may be made the dupes of designing men and become the instruments of their own undoing.” — Daniel Webster

Stand, and be heard.

In case you didn’t know …

Courtesy of Blue Star Chronicles, here’s a great side-by-side comparison of Palin and Obama covering a few points of interest.

	Sarah Palin	Barack Obama
Office being sought	Vice President	President of the United States and Leader of the Free World
Full name	Sarah Louise Heath Palin	Barack Hussein Obama II
Nickname	Sarah Barracuda	Barry Obama; “The One”
Public opinion	Smoking hot in a “naughty librarian” sort of way	May be The Messiah
Age	44	48
Children	5: two sons, three daughters	2: two daughters
Religion/Church attendance	Evangelical Christian; attends Juneau Christian Center when in Juneau and grew up attending Wasilla Assembly of God	Attended Trinity United Church of Christ for 20 years, a “black liberation theology” church formerly led by Rev. Jeremiah Wright and governed according to the Black Value System
Current Job	Governor of Alaska	Junior Senator from Illinois
Previous Public Jobs	Mayor of Wasilla, AK (1996-2002); President of Alaska Conference of Mayors; City Council member (1992-1996)	State Senator (1997-2004); Community Organizer
Executive Experience	Governor for 2 years; Mayor for 10 years	None
Foreign Relations experience	Governor of state that borders two foreign countries (Canada and Russia)	Chaired Senate subcommittee on Europe but never called it into session; once gave a speech to 200,000 screaming Germans
Military Affairs experience	Commander in Chief of Alaska National Guard; Son is enlisted Infantryman in U.S. Army	None
Private Sector Experience	Sports reporter; Salmon fisherman	Associate at civil rights law firm
Speaking ability	Beautifully executed initial stump speech in Dayton, OH hockey arena without a teleprompter	An enter…wait–did you say without a teleprompter??
Spouse’s name	Todd Mitchell Palin	Michelle LaVaughn Robinson Obama
Spouse’s occupation	Salmon fisherman; Former North Slope production supervisor for BP Oil	Vice President for Community and External Affairs at University of Chicago Hospitals; former Associate Dean of Student Services at the University of Chicago; former Executive Director for the Chicago office of Public Allies; former Assistant to the Mayor of Chicago; former associate at Sidley Austin law firm
Reaction to spouse’s political success	Quit 17-year BP oil job when BP became involved in natural gas pipeline negotiations with wife’s administration	Promoted and given 160% pay raise by UofC hospitals within months of husband’s election to U.S. Senate; Employer received $1,000,000.00 federal earmark, requested by husband, after her promotion
Coolest thing about Spouse	Tesoro Iron Dog Snowmobile race champion (longest snowmobile race in the world); In 2008, while defending his championship, was injured when he was thrown 70 feet from his machine. He was sent to the hospital but still finished in fourth place	Sister of Oregon State University head basketball coach Craig Robinson
Most Courageous Moment in Public Service	Resigned in protest from position of Ethics Commissioner of Alaska Oil and Gas Conservation Commission in order to expose legal violations and conflicts of interest of Alaska Republican leaders, including the former state Attorney General and the State GOP Chairman (who was also an Oil & Gas Commissioner), who was doing work for the party on public time and supplying a lobbyist with a sensitive e-mail.	Gave an anti-Iraq war speech to a crowd of anti-Iraq war demonstrators in Hyde Park in 2002
In Current Office Because…	Upset sitting Governor in GOP primary due to public support for her efforts to clean up corrupt government establishment	Republican opponent, who was leading in the polls, was forced to leave race after unsealing of divorce records exposed a sex scandal
Theme:	Change and Clean Government	Hope and Change; “Bringing Change from Outside Washington”
What they’ve done to live that theme:	Replaced entire Board of Agriculture and Conservation because of conflict of interest; Resigned from position of Ethics Commissioner of the Alaska Oil and Gas Conservation Commission in order to expose corruption among members of own party	Selected 36-year incumbent Senator as running mate
Family Affairs	May have removed State Public Safety Commissioner as part of effort to protect sister in messy divorce and child custody battle	Often says, “I am my brother’s keeper”; Brother lives in a hut in Nairobi on $12 per year
Union affiliation	Union member, married to Union member	Endorsed by a union
Iraq and Troop Support	Formerly (pre-surge) critical of apparent lack of long-term strategy for Iraq; Visited wounded U.S. soldiers in Germany; visited AK National Guard soldiers deployed to Kuwait; Son deploying to Iraq on 9/11/08 as Army infantryman	Gave an anti-Iraq war speech to a crowd of anti-Iraq war demonstrators; almost visited wounded troops in Germany, but decided to go shopping in Berlin instead
Bipartisan/”maverick” credentials	Married to a non-Republican; Exposed corruption within own party; Campaigned for Lt. Gov. Sean Parnell against corrupt GOP congressman Don Young; Called out Sen Ted Stevens (R-AK) to “come clean” about financial dealings that are under fed investigation	Talks about bipartisanship
Legislative Record	Passed a landmark ethics reform bill; Used veto to cut budgetary spending; Prevented “bridge to nowhere” that would have cost taxpayers $400 million dollars.	Voted “present” over 100 times as IL state senator
How they dealt with corrupt individuals in home city/state	Exposed legal violations and conflicts of interest of Alaska Republican leaders; Campaigned against corrupt GOP Representative; Ran against and defeated corrupt incumbent governor in GOP primary	Launched political career in home of unrepentant domestic terrorist Bill Ayers (and still refers to him as a part of “mainstream Democratic Chicago”; Purchased home with help of convicted felon Tony Rezko
Guns	Lifetime member of NRA and avid hunter; video can be found on YouTube of Palin firing an M4 at a military firing range	Worked to pass legislation in Illinois that would prevent all law-abiding citizens from owning firearms
Earmarks	Opposed “Bridge to Nowhere” project; Said Alaska should avoid relying on federal money for projects; Campaigned against porker Don Young (R-AK) in 2008 primary	Secured federal earmarks for wife’s employer and for campaign bundlers
Abortion	Pro life; gave birth to 5th child knowing that he would have Down’s syndrome	Pro-choice; only IL state sen. to speak against the Born Alive Infant’s Protection Act, which required medical care to be given to live infants who survived abortions
Energy	Believes energy independence is a matter of national security; For drilling in ANWR, which is in her state	Says Americans should “get tune-ups” and “check tire pressure”; Says “we can’t expect the world to be okay with” our use of heating and air conditioning
Environment	Chair of Alaska Conservation Commission (2003-4); Announced plans to create sub-cabinet group of advisors to address climate change and reduce greenhouse gas emissions in AK	Talks about the environment a lot
Athletic prowess	Runs marathons	Has reporters tailing him to the gym

Home instead

Our weekend plans changed abruptly this morning. Jim’s mom isn’t feeling well, so we decided to stay in B’ham and go down to Montgomery next weekend instead. Jessie was crushed — she’s been looking forward to this trip for the last month plus. BUT, a trip to Target’s toy aisles helped ease the blow a little. (along with a couple pieces of designer jewelry, or “fake bling” as she called it, LOL!) Now she’s content playing XBox.

This actually works out to my favor because I got to finish up my newest theme and update a couple others that I had wanted to submit to the LP design contest.

Sweeeeeeeeeeeeet!

This also allows me to finish up some Soldiers’ Angels business that I thought I was going to have to put off until next week. (ya gotta email comin’, Angels!) Plus, we’ll be hitting the gun show tomorrow — Jessie’s never been, and hopefully she’ll go with us.

I think she’ll really enjoy it, I always have!

Happy Buy A Gun Day!

Today’s my birthday. Even worse, it’s Tax Day. I’ve always hated that. As I tweeted just a little while ago, if one more person says to me, “Oh, you’re a tax baby!” I’m gonna slug ‘em!

Screw the IRS, this is *MY* day!

However, according to Beth, today is also known as Buy A Gun Day. I can dig that! :mrgreen:

“Democrats believe every day is April 15. Republicans believe that every day is July 4.” — Ronald Reagan

There … feelin’ happy. Now how ’bout we celebrate with a little song? :twisted:

Lyrics: (courtesy of Moron Pundit)

I want to keep my money
And give away absolutely nothing
To the government who moderates my spending
and obliterates depending on what time of the year
brutality is near

in the form of income tax
I’d rather take a fucking ax
to my face, blow up this place

with you all in it, I’d do it in a minute

If I could write off your murder
I’d save all of my receipts
because I’d rather you be dead
than lose a tiny shred of what I made this fiscal year

I’d rather you be dead than ponder parting with my second home
I’d rather you be dead than consider not opening a restaurant

I’d rather you be dead
I’d rather you be dead

Prepare the laser-beam
I’m gonna use it tonight

Engage the laser-beam
It’s gonna end your life

I’m gonna use it tonight

If I could write off your murder
I’d save all of my receipts
because I’d rather you be dead
than lose a tiny shred of what I made this fiscal year

I’d rather you be dead than ponder parting with my second home
I’d rather you be dead than consider not opening a restaurant.

Big thanks to Beth for the reminder. I love love *LOVE* Metalocalypse! :cool:

Gunning for perfection

Thank my husband for the snazzy post title, LOL! I was sitting here trying to think of a title that would encapsulate all of the topics that I wanted to cover, and that’s one of the first suggestions he blurted out.

He has his moments of brilliance …

Friday went pretty well. Jessie had both a dental and eye doctor appointment that morning. End result: she’s getting new glasses thanks to my insurance, and she needs braces and all her baby teeth pulled. So now my mission is to find an area orthodontist that can fit her in pretty soon. Oh the joy. :roll: Good news is: no new cavities, and her vision hasn’t changed dramatically so all in all everything went well.

My mother-in-law’s move to Montgomery went pretty well. We arrived not too long after the moving truck left, so Jim helped move boxes and furniture around as I helped out in the kitchen. The kids were exiled to the back yard. (It’s a really pretty house, very modern style … got some really funky bathroom lights in one of the guest b/rooms!) We stuck around and helped unpack a good majority of the boxes that night, and rolled back into B’ham just before midnight.

Saturday was pretty fun. We met up with Captain Fantastic and the Lovely Miranda for some fun at Alabama Training Institute & Pistol Range. Jim had his new rifle and I rented one of ATI’s pistols — a Beresa 380. I like to think I did pretty well considering that it was my first time firing a “real” handgun. (results) We hopped around to a few places afterwards before hitting the Galleria, and finally settling on California Pizza Kitchen for dinner.

Side note to ‘flavored’ martini lovers: their Caramel Apple Martini just totally rocks!

Jess is out of school tomorrow, so I’ll be working from home. Well, I don’t know exactly how much work will get done, but I will at least be continuing my fight with our SharePoint server. I worked a little on it today and have just about gotten the CSS cleaned up enough that I can manipulate the MS ‘core’ to look about the way I want.

Woot! :mrgreen:

I was showing my progress to Jim a few minutes ago, and he thought it looked great. However, when *I* look at it, I see the margins are still off a bit in IE (grrrrrr), and SharePoint keeps overwriting my font sizes on certain web parts, and the background doesn’t quite line up the way I want, and … you get the idea.

You know me, I’m not happy unless I’m obsessing.

Seen at the gun show today

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