Sweet Home Alabama

"Sweet Home Alabama" is a song by the Southern rock band Lynyrd Skynyrd. It first appeared in 1974 on their second album, Second Helping. "Sweet Home Alabama" was written as an answer to the songs "Southern Man" and "Alabama" by Neil Young, which were critical of the South. Entries in this category will be things of interest about or in this lovely state that I call home.

Alabama is a state located in the Southern United States. It is bordered by Tennessee to the north, Georgia to the east, Florida and the Gulf of Mexico to the south, and Mississippi to the west. The twenty-second state admitted to the Union, Alabama seceded from the union in 1861 to become part of the Confederate States of America. Following the Civil War and Reconstruction, Alabama was readmitted to the union in 1868.

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Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start off with this one that I’ve seen all over Facebook and the Tide Fans forums:

This one is from Mike:

And this one from Darron:

Poor little guy, I don’t blame him one bit!

Humpday Hilarities

Yeah, yeah, I’m late again. Work’s been kicking me in the gluteus maximus all week and I’m still playing catchup. Hehehe…

So anyways, this week’s edition starts off with this funny from Charnita’s Xpressions (via Rachel at Bama Bloggers):

Visitor’s Guide to Birmingham (Alabama)

First, you must learn to pronounce the city name. It’s ‘Bur-min-ham’.

Driving Information: Burmin’ham has its own version of traffic rules…

1. The truck with the loudest exhaust goes next at a 4-way stop. The truck with the biggest tires goes after that. (Note: Blue haired ladies driving anything have right-of-way anytime.)

2. To find anything in the city it is required that you know where Malfunction Junction is… which is the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. It is one of only two ‘cloverleaf’ formation interchanges in the world. We invented it and only one other city was stupid enough to implement it again… Atlanta- making them dumber than we are.

3. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00 AM. The evening rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:00 PM. Friday’s rush hour starts Thursday morning a runs thru Saturday Noon. If the term ‘merging delays’ is ever used by the person reporting the traffic, even in passing, call in to work and tell them that you will be at least 30 minutes late regardless of where you are in your commute.

4. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be (at the very least)rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot. This applies to male and female drivers alike.

5. You must know that ‘I-459′, ‘ I-59′, ‘I-20′, and ‘I-65′ are the same road they just loop around the city. We think this was a ploy to confuse outsiders and discourage visitors after the War of Northern Aggression.

6. Always, always, always, find out if it is a race weekend before you get on any of these ‘roads’ to travel somewhere. If it is a race weekend, stay home or go to the races. You won’t be going anywhere else!!!

7. Construction is a permanent fixture in Burmin’ham. The barrels are moved around in the middle of the night to make the next day’s driving bit more exciting.

8. Watch very carefully for road hazards such as deer, skunks, dogs,barrels, cones, cows, horses, potholes, cats, armadillos, pieces of other cars, opossum, truck tires, raccoons, squirrels, rabbits, and crows or vultures feeding on any of these items.

9. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been ‘accidentally activated’…

10. The minimum acceptable speed on ‘I-65′ (see item 5 above) is 85 mph.Anything less is considered downright sissy. This is Alabama’s State Highway sponsored version of NASCAR, especially during rush hour (see item 3 above) when it’s 85 and everyone in the city is driving at once, bumper to bumper. If you are in the left lane and only going 70 in a 55-65 zone, you are considered a road hazard, and will be treated accordingly…

11. Do not gawk at the woman in the car beside you in traffic who is applying make up, talking on a cell phone, drinking a Diet Coke, smoking a Marlboro, and maintaining a steady speed of 85 mph on I-65 in rush hour traffic. If she is coming from North of Burmin’ham, she might be packing. If she is coming from South of Burmin’ham, she IS packing and is not afraid to use it.

Weather Information:

1. If it’s 110 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend

2. If its 10-20 degrees and sleeting/snowing, then watch out, Burmin’ham residents consider this ‘demolition derby’ day and will be all over the roads (front ways, back ways, etc). Please proceed with caution, as you could be their next target.

Seasonal Information:

1. If you stick to the seats in your vehicle, it is Spring.

2. If you need to let the car ‘get some air’ by standing next to it with the doors open for a minute before you can stick your upper body inside to crank it and get the air going, it is Summer.

3. If you are sweating even with the windows down, driving 55 mph, it is Fall.

4. If you finally turn the AC off and roll your windows up, it is Winter.

General Information: (and this is very important)

1. Do not ever speak to anyone during the song ‘ Sweet Home Alabama unless it is to sing along with the lyrics. This is like the State Song and will erupt in a brawl if everyone doesn’t show ‘proper respect’ to the band who gave us ‘Free Bird’. This is especially true if alcohol is present. Notice I didn’t say ‘sold at this event’ but present.

2. Yes, we know that Vulcan is mooning the entire city. It’s not that funny to us anymore.

3. If you ask someone for a ‘coke’, they will immediately ask you what kind’? This is not a trick question. Tell them what you want: Sprite,Dr.Pepper, Root Beer, etc… it’s all ‘coke’.

4. All tea is sweet. If it’s not sweet, you have crossed the Mason Dixon Line and are in the North.

Y’all come back now, ya hear!

And one for the “you can’t make this stuff up” file, this story comes straight from local headlines this week:

As Jefferson County deputy pumps gas, wanted man talks himself into arrest

There are dumb criminals who think they are smart, and then there are the few willing to admit their shortcomings. Matthew Kinard falls into the latter category.

On Thursday night, the 27-year-old Kinard was parked next to a Jefferson County sheriff’s deputy pumping gas at a service station when he walked over to her, and asked her to check and see if he had any outstanding warrants.

Sgt. Venita Edge said she would oblige, but warned him that if there were warrants, he was going to jail.


Kinard gave her his driver’s license and said he didn’t think he had warrants but if so, to please not arrest him.


It was obvious to the sheriff’s sergeant that something wasn’t right, said Chief Deputy Randy Christian. While she was running the check, Kinard couldn’t shut up.

He talked the entire time — telling Edge about having prescriptions but being arrested for illegal drugs, and having been shot but then charged with loitering for drugs. His pupils were constricted and he was sweating profusely. He was moving and jumping around.

The computer check showed Kinard had an outstanding warrant for unlawful possession of a controlled substance. Believing he was a danger to himself and others, Edge arrested him.

An inventory of his truck turned up Lortab pills.

Kinard is charged with unlawful possession of a controlled substance, unlawful possession of drug paraphernalia and public intoxication. He is in the county jail on $14,000 bond.

While en route to the lockup, Kinard had this to say to the sergeant: “I am the stupidest criminal in the world.”


Authorities agreed. “Obviously,” Christian said, “he took the words right out of my mouth.”

I do believe that’s the understatement of the year.

Hopefully things will be back to normal next week. Until then, keep sending me all your funnies!

Humpday Hilarities

Due to an unforeseen event, my weekly funnies were delayed until today. My apologies.

In honor of the first college game playing tonight, I thought I’d post some football-related funnies to kick off the season right!

These are courtesy of Jeff:

This will be the new annual event in Tuscaloosa … Running of the Pachyderms

The new Alabama uniforms were recently revealed on the Nike website and covered in the news. Not to be out-done, Auburn tried vainly and in typical comical fashion to incorporate into their uniforms too.

These are courtesy of Vera:

Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?
So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday and wear it to pick up trash on Monday.

How can you spot a Tennessee fan at a wedding?
Just look for the guy in the orange T-shirt.

What does the average Tennessee player get on his SAT’s?
Drool.

Why do Tennessee football players put their diplomas on the dashboard?
So they can park in a handicapped spot.

How does an Tennessee graduate spell ‘VICTORY’?
(It’s a trick question, we all know they can’t read!)

And I’m including this one again just because it still makes me giggle every time I watch.

ROLL TIDE ROLL!

One more week, Bama fans!

One week from tomorrow is Alabama’s first game of the 2010 football season and I can’t wait! Are you excited?

Here’s a few goodies to ‘tide’ us over until next weekend, starting with this funny which has made its way to me via email, Facebook, and Twitter!

And as always, Bama Foundation provides us with a great hype video for the new year:

And let’s not forget these gems courtesy of the U of A Athletic Department!

And to any Bama fan who’s never been, I highly recommend visiting the Paul W. Bryant Museum.

And who can forget, our favorite taunt?

ROLL TIDE ROLL!

60 Days …

Are you ready, Tide fans?

ROLL TIDE ROLL!

Two years ago today

I awoke this morning to roses and breakfast in bed. My wonderful husband had gotten up early, and went to get groceries, stuff to make for dinner, my flowers, and breakfast for both me and Jessie — all without waking either of us (which is a real accomplishment as I’m a light sleeper!).

I have such a good man.

To my darling husband, Jim:

Happy Anniversary! I love you!

I got down with my sickness

I’ll say this: Thank God for the scheduled posts ability in WordPress and the WordPress application on my iPhone. Without those, absolutely nothing would have been posted here last week.

I had been ill off and on all last week, but it hit hardest Friday. And by that I mean I got DOWN with the sickness, LOL! Literally knocking me on my butt, and right into bed. I missed most of the Alabama vs Arkansas game, but woke up in time to hear Rammer Jammer being sung by the crowd in T’town. I missed WordCamp Birmingham entirely and am really bummed about that. (can someone let me know where the lecture notes are posted?)

I also missed a Ladies Night Out meeting, but was pretty sure I was going to miss it even before I got sick. I haven’t been to a meeting in a while and have been dying to join one of the karaoke outings.

Well, after 3 full days of sleep I am feeling much MUCH better! Of course I’ve spent half the morning clearing out emails and voicemails and will probably be doing so for most of the rest of the day today, LOL!

I took some time this morning to submit a new fanlisting that I’ve started:

I’ll be sure to post when it’s approved and “gone live.”

Football Funnies!

I couldn’t resist posting these football-related funnies. This first set is courtesy of ALCrimsonTide:

Q: What do you call Arkansas when they find out they can’t throw the ball on Alabama?
A: GroundHogs.

Q: What would happen if pigs could fly?
A: Bacon would go up.

Q:What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A: A piiig

Q: Did you hear the story about the razorback hog?
A: It’s pretty dull.

Q: How does a Petrino write up plays for Arkansas?
A: With a pig pen.

Two Arkansas grads were walking in the woods. One said, “Look! A dead bird.”
The other looked to the sky and said, “Where?”

What’s a seven course meal in Fayetteville?
A possum and a six-pack.

Where was OJ headed in his white Bronco?
To Arkansas. He knew the police would never look for a Heisman winner there.

What is the line heard most from graduates of Arkansas’ business school?
Would you like fries with that?

And this one I adapted from one of Cookie‘s

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

“Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!”

Very good,” said her mother.

“Is it because I’m from Arkansas?” the girl said.

“Yes, it’s because you’re from Arkansas,” said the mommy

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

“Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled,”we were saying the alphabet, today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!”

“Very good,” said her mother.

“Is it because I’m from Arkansas, Mommy?”

“Yes, it’s because you’re from Arkansas.”

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

“Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled,”we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!” And she lifted her tank top to reveal a fully developed chest.

“Very good,” said her embarrassed mother.

“Is it because I’m from Arkansas, Mommy?”

“No, Honey, it’s because you’re 34.”

Humpday Hilarities

This morning’s first funny is courtesy of Uncle Monster:

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, “What are all those clocks?”

St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.”

“Oh”, said the man. “Whose clock is that?”

“That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”

“Incredible”, said the man. “And whose clock is that one?”

St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.”

“Where’s President Obama’s clock?”, asked the man.

“Obama’s clock is in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”

I may have posted something similar to this before, but it’s still one of my faves. Courtesy of my mother:

Only Southerners

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a “hissie fit” and a “conniption fit,” and that you don’t “HAVE” them, you “PITCH” them.

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc…, make up “a mess.”

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of “yonder.”

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long “directly” is, as in: “Going to town, be back directly.”

Even Southern babies know that “Gimme some sugar” is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.

All Southerners know exactly when “by and by” is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who’s got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor’s trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin’!

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between “right near” and “a right far piece.” They also know that “just down the road” can be 1 mile or 20.

Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol’ boy, and po’ white trash.

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

A Southerner knows that “fixin” can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, … and when we’re “in line,”… we talk to everybody!

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they’re related, even if only by marriage.

In the South, “y’all” is singular, “all y’all” is plural.

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

When you hear someone say, “Well, I caught myself lookin’,” you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

Only true Southerners say “sweet tea” and “sweet milk.” Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it — we do not like our tea unsweetened. “Sweet milk” means you don’t want buttermilk.

And a true Southerner knows you don’t scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, “Bless her heart,” and go your own way.

To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!

And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, … bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin’ to have classes on Southernness as a second language!

And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y’all need a sign to hang on y’all’s front porch that reads “I ain’t from the South, but I got here as fast as I could!”

The emphasis on the tea thing is mine. It never ceases to amaze me how many of my clients don’t understand my passion for good sweet tea.

Moving right along, this funny is courtesy of my pal Don:

Secret Code

After the new president has been in office for 6 months it is customary for the last president to send a note of congratulations to the new one. So when the note came from Bush to Obama, the president was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was: 370H-SSV-0773H

This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged. So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it.

They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message. They called in the chief of staff and the head of the Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the note. Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House. They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.

Now there was complete panic in the oval office. They called all of their contacts in the media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not one was able to come up with an answer.

A special emergency meeting was called by the staff.. All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code. After a sleepless night, a now humbled President Obama picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note.

Bush chuckled and replied, “You’re holding the note upside down!”

And last but certainly not least, this funny is courtesy of my Cotillion sister, Kat:

Patriot Microchip

The Patriot Microchip is intended to be implanted in terrorists. The implant is specifically designed to be installed in the forehead. When properly installed it will allow the implantee to speak to God.

It comes in various sizes:

The exact size of the implant will be selected by a well-trained and highly-skilled technician. The implant may or may not be painless …

Side effects, such as headaches and nausea, are temporary. Some bleeding or swelling may occur at the injection site.

Please enjoy the security we provide for you.

Best regards,

The United States Marines

Soaked and sunburned, and zombies, and Aion

Wow, what a weekend. Right now I’m sitting here waiting out the remaining two hours until the Aion Head Start event. I figured this would be a good time as any to post a few things.

Jess, Teresa and I spent yesterday in T’town. We went down there to watch the Tide take on North Texas. Jim was originally supposed to go with us, but he was kind enough to stay home to get our house ready to show to some prospective buyers. (Which, funny enough, he neglected to tell me about until Friday night when I got home and was already mad as a hornet for having spent 2 hours in traffic!)

We picked Teresa up in McCalla and headed down I-59. It rained the entire time. Once we reached Tuscaloosa, finding a parking spot was pretty tricky. The university has taken over some parking lots that were once public to reserve for Tide Pride members. We got lucky and parked by some friends in nearby apartments.

Hooray for friends!

It rained and rained and RAINED. Even though all three of us were wearing ponchos, we were still soaked to the bone. We walked all over the quad, visited various shop tents and after watching the Million Dollar Band do their usual pre-game routine, slowly made our way to Bryant-Denny stadium. It was at this point that it FINALLY quit raining. With the exception of a few drops here or there, the weather was pretty nice for the rest of the day! We made our way into the stadium and up to our seats and tried our best to dry out. About halfway into the game, the sun made its grand entrance.

Of course, the sunscreen I had put on yesterday morning before leaving the house had washed off … so I’m a little sunburned. This is the first game I’ve ever attended where I’ve been soaked and sunburned in the same day! LOL!

It was all a great day of fun though. The Tide looked really good. The halftime show was great. The MDB played a tribute to Motown. IMO the best part was the finale … they played ‘Thriller’ by Michael Jackson. All of the color guard and dance teams put on some raggedy clothes and danced as zombies like in the original video. It was awesome!!

The Tide won 53-7, so pretty early in the second half a lot of people were leaving. The traffic going home was light compared to every other Bama game I’ve ever attended. We made it home long before dinner time and I happily napped as soon as I could get my tired and weary bones through the door and into the bed.

Today Jess left us to spend the next few days with her mother. She didn’t want to go (not that I blame her) but I tried to assure her that she wouldn’t miss much of the Aion head start and we’d see her again later this week. Our deal is that as long as her grades are up, she can play Aion. So far, that’s proving to be a GREAT motivator as far as school goes!

And speaking of Aion, I was able to get things sorted out with GoGamer. Our Aion packs arrived Friday afternoon. Jim and I ordered the Collector’s Edition, Jessie got the regular (and hers came in a very NICE tin!). Here’s a few pics I snapped that night after opening my box:

Incidentally, if you have also ordered the CE, you will want to read this article by The Aion Guy: How To Receive Your Aion Pre-Order Items!

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