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I kinda miss me

Well, where do I start?

I’m finally working again! The job I thought I had a couple months ago fell through. Somewhere between getting the verbal offer and waiting a week for the written offer, they decided to hire someone “a little more experienced” (either younger or asked for less money?), so I took the next offer I received, working as a tech operator for a small web hosting company here in Birmingham. Basically I’m doing Linux and web hosting tech support for account owners and resellers. It’s really interesting, and has instilled a greater appreciation for the support staff at my own web host, Lunarpages.

I’ve been learning my way around WHM (the back-end of cPanel) as well as other control panel applications, as well as re-learn Linux because I hadn’t touched it in YEARS before this point. o.O But it’s cool, and I like the guys I work with, they’re a good bunch. I wish the pay and benefits were better, but it is what it is — a low-level tech support job. And let’s face it, IT jobs are very hard to come by in Birmingham, so I know I’m lucky to get this.

It feels good to be working again. It feels good to be needed and useful.

I spend my lunches reading books. That’s another hobby that I dropped over the years and wished I hadn’t, so now I’m reading as much as possible. I renewed my library card and have been dropping by there every other week or so to drop off what I’ve read and pick up new books. One of the librarians giggled at my selections because they range from animal behavior to ancient folklore to religious studies to paranormal romance. LOL

Things at home are OK. Bruce is adjusting to me working, which I was really worried about. I worry about him being lonely when I’m not there. I felt guilty for not adopting his brother when I had the chance, but I couldn’t afford a second cat. Perhaps I’ll get him a play buddy later after my finances are caught up. I have a ton of reviews still needing to be written for his blog, so hopefully I’ll get time to work on that this weekend.

I’m still working on the redesign for my site. I think I’ve started over 4 times now in the last 9 months. There are a set amount of characteristics that I absolutely want in a design, but every solution I’ve come up with so far is missing something or I just hate it in general. I’ve been looking at a lot of HTML5 and responsive designs from other sites, but have not seen anything remotely close to want I want in functionality and aesthetics … and after a while they all look alike to me, which I also absolutely hate.

Maybe I’m just too picky?

Jessie is doing well in school. She’s almost completed her first year of high school, is studying for her driver’s license, and has had her share of boy troubles … she’s a typical teenage girl. She’s going to spend a month or so with her mother this summer (oh yeah, her mother moved to Nebraska some time back, that’s a long story for another time!), so she’s really looking forward to that. I think the time away will do her some good, though I’ll miss her like crazy.

The change of scenery would be good for her, and though she hasn’t said it directly, her mother would be providing something she desperately wants — a stable home with 2 parents. She posed the question once if she wanted to stay longer would I object. I told her if that’s what she really wanted and would make her happy, then I would support her decision. I added that I would miss her terribly, but it’s not like we can’t keep in touch via phone/texts, Facebook, gaming, etc.

It’s stability she needs, and I want what’s best for her. As long as she’s happy and safe, I’m fine … even if it’s not with me.

I’ve started looking at going back to school again. I’ve applied for a Pell grant, and have been approved for some financial aid at a few places. Now I need to figure out how I’m going to attend, where I want to attend, and what I want to take. Part of me would love to stay in IT, but given how hard it has been over the past 10 or so years to find and keep an IT job here, I wonder if I may do better in another field.

But I love IT the most, hence my dilemma … oh well, I have plenty of time to decide I guess?

Things with my folks are still touchy sometimes. My father is back to not speaking to me again. My mother and I have gotten closer and our relationship has improved a lot over the past year or so. I have to be careful to avoid the subject of my husband. Both of my parents feel that he’s used me, and that I should not be as accommodating as I should be to him. But then again I think my mother would feel better if I hated him too …

I am still very angry and resentful about a lot of things, but I have no desire to hate anyone. It’s wasted energy and honestly would undo what little progress I had made in therapy before I lost my job (and my insurance/benefits) last August. I want to be better than that, and I want to move forward. That said, yeah maybe I am too accommodating to him than I should be, but hurting him would hurt Jessie. And there’s no way in Hell I would ever purposefully hurt my child. She’s almost grown, and eventually she won’t be a shield for anyone to hide behind anymore. As far as I’m concerned, the issue will dissolve itself. Anyone who has more than two brain cells to rub together would be wise not to burn any bridges left with me.

So what else?

Oh yeah, I had another birthday. It sucked. No phone calls, no cards, no visits from friends who have dropped off the face of the planet for whatever reason since whatever point in time. I went to see my parents and regretted it — my father spent the meal picking apart my life choices. I left there that afternoon feeling worse than ever and wishing for a do-over.

Actually a do-over for the last entire year would be nice!

And actually, I’m still pretty angry about my birthday …

Mother’s Day was emotional but OK overall. I was afraid I was not going to have one, but Jessie came to stay with me for most of the weekend and gave me a movie and some chocolates. Her visit meant more to me than anything, but it was nice being appreciated and remembered. I’ve missed that so much since our family has broken up.

I felt unappreciated before … and I’ve felt pretty much forgotten ever since.

I’ll tell you, that sucks more than anything in the world, so I’m a little emotional when it comes to holidays now. Maybe it will get better, or, I’m hoping it will.

So, I think that’s most everything that’s gone on … I’m concentrating on working hard, paying off my debts, and trying to keep myself from falling back down into that dark pit I was in for so very long. I feel a lot better now than I have in a while, but I know I still have a long way to go until I’m “me” again.

I haven’t been “me” for such a very long time, and I kinda miss her.

Here’s hoping

Not much about my situation has changed. I’m still looking for a job. I’m still trying to stay positive. I feel like I’m doing better. I still have my good days and bad days, but I feel like I am moving forward and that’s what I need.

I have a job interview tomorrow. I may potentially have one next week, and I’m excited about both. I really miss working. Being at home sucks, LOL! But Bruce has helped fill my days with fun and laughter.

Jessie is doing well, her grades have been improving and she still enjoying high school. I don’t know how Jim is doing he hasn’t spoken to me much. I still speak to his mother from time to time. In fact I need really need to go see her. My parents have been doing okay. My mother and I are getting along great, and I’m really enjoying the time I am getting to spend with her now.

I have been working on a few projects here and there, and really need to get them posted here on the website. I have also been playing around with different apps on my iPad. In fact I’m drafting this post and Dragon naturally speaking for the iPad. It’s pretty neat, although I’m having to correct words here and there, and I think that’s due to my accent. I’m told that the more you use it the better it gets, so here’s hoping!

Well it’s about 1 AM in the morning, so I think I’ll end this here. Hopefully I can start blogging again more actively. I know I keep saying that, but considering I pretty much sleep with my iPad and carry it everywhere, perhaps that will make it a lot easier to post updates.

Holidays blow

You know, these past few years I thought it sucked to be alone, but still surrounded by your family — especially during this time of year. And now I’m alone with no family.

I was wrong, this is worse.

Any spare prayers, good energies, etc. sent my way would be appreciated.

Kick a woman while she’s down, why don’tcha?

“When it rains, it pours.”

Or, at least that’s what I told myself last week. Just when I thought things couldn’t get much worse, they do. Last week I was laid off from my position at MEDSEEK. I was called into the boss’ office and upon opening the door, immediately saw a member of HR sitting in one of his chairs. “Yep, things just got worse” I told myself. First I lost my husband, and now I lost my job.

To make a long story short, lack of money, blah blah blah … so now I’m out on my rump and looking for a job again.

I’m doing MUCH better than I was end of last week and this weekend. I’m trying to stay positive and enjoy what time I am spending at home. I’ve been working on my resume and filling out applications online. I swear, some places ask more questions than my last mortgage application.

I’d appreciate any prayers, energies, and the like sent my way. And hey, if your company needs a web designer, that’d be great too! LOL

I didn’t post any funnies last week because of all the craziness that was my job, then the loss. Just bear with me, please. I’m doing ok I think … just trying to find my way.

Salt on an open wound

Something I’ve figured out that I need to do more of lately is guarding myself — particularly emotionally. Most days I do ok, but the ones where I don’t is, I think, because I leave myself open. Vulnerable.

I went by Jim’s place Friday to pick up Jessie. She invited me in to wait while she gathered her things. I thought to myself “Bad idea.” but I went in anyways. I really should listen to my gut more. As I looked around his place, there was absolutely no evidence of “us” … or that there even ever was.

I saw things which were supposedly bought for or given to me that he took with him when he moved out. Worst of all, his wedding ring sitting out. I knew he hadn’t been wearing for a while, but he had told me that he carried it with him everyday when he wasn’t wearing it.

That really bothered me. I don’t like being lied to. And it was just another painful reminder that he didn’t consider me his, and that he wasn’t mine anymore.

This summer was 10 years that we’d been together. This October would have been our 5th wedding anniversary.

I can’t make myself hate him, but I often wish I could.

10 years down the drain — for what?

So, yeah, I need to be a lot more careful with my heart…

New direction

I actually had a follow-up the day after my last post, but it’s still sitting on my phone. Hehe, whoops!

I’m doing better. I’ve been slowly but surely cleaning up the mess left behind when Jim moved out. Jessie has been helping me to finalize some of the redecoration plans for various rooms in the house. I’m really looking forward to giving my home a makeover.

I’ve been making an effort to get out of the house even if it’s nothing more than going out to grab a milkshake somewhere or pickup a loaf of bread. I went out with friends from work last Friday to see The Dark Knight Rises.

It. Was. AWESOME!

No spoilers; that right there is all I’ll say about it. I promise.

I had a great time. One of the ladies I work with has been setting up a night once a month or so where we will all get together and go out after work, so I am looking forward to that too. I’ve been gaming a little here and there so I’m staying busy and keeping myself distracted with a myriad of things, which has helped.

I’ve also found a new gun range near home, and am looking forward to going by there at least once a week for a little stress relief.

Oh! I also bought a new toy … an iPad.

It’s been a lot of fun to play with and honestly am glad I got it. I had been looking into getting an ebook reader but kept also eyeing the iPad. After comparing all of my options, I knew I would be happiest with this … and, I am!

So, I’m doing ok. A little better, actually. Just trying to keep moving forward as best I can. Jess keeps me company a few days each week so that has definitely helped. I worry about her not getting along with her mother, but I know there’s only so much I can do about that.

So … how is everyone?

Sometimes I think too much

Jim moved out last weekend. I’m doing OK I guess. I’m coping. I’ve tried not to dwell on it, and have tried to keep myself distracted with cleaning up the mess left behind and begin working on the renovations I’d been planning to the house. My problem is when I’m left alone with my thoughts. My mind wanders and I replay past conversations, fights, things I should have said, or not said. Doubts eat at me. I know it’s not healthy, so that’s why I am trying to stay distracted.

Some days I do OK. Other days I wonder what the Hell is wrong with me? Why doesn’t he want me?

It’s stupid, I know. I get so mad at myself. Logically speaking, I shouldn’t be dwelling on it and know without a doubt that I tried everything to save a marriage that was failing. Despite my best efforts, I could not make him want to stay with me. I could not make him want to continue to be my husband.

But I still blame myself some days. I call those my irrational days, because that’s exactly what they are. It’s hard for me not to be emotional. Sometimes all it takes is something little, or meaningless, to set me off. And I’m finding myself avoiding those things.

Facebook, for example. I keep in touch with lots of friends and family on there, but it’s become a double-edged sword lately. Ever since Jim changed his marital status on there, various people would message me, wanting to talk about it.

It’s none of their damned business and I will usually, albeit politely, let them know that.

But there’s something that bothers me lately — “mutual” friends defriending me, who are staying friends with Jim. This week two people defriended me. (You see, I have a Firefox addon that tells me when a friend deletes their Facebook account or defriends me.)

Not a big deal, I keep telling myself. I knew it was bound to happen. But it bothers me, and I am not even sure why. I guess because I see that as someone else who doesn’t want me. These people were not really my friends to begin with. Well, that’s what I keep telling myself.

I just can’t get rid of that nagging feeling, constantly poking at me …

I think maybe I think too much sometimes.

I’m doing OK

I really appreciate the out-pouring of love I’ve received from y’all. So many of you have emailed me expressing kind thoughts, advice, good wishes, and the like. If I could reach every single one of you, I’d hug you in a heartbeat! ♥

Many of you have asked: “How are you doing?” I’m doing OK. Not fantabulous, but given the circumstances, I think I’m handling everything rather well. I think I’ve got a good handle on my monthly budget, mapping out which expenses are clearly to be mine (the house, my car, etc.) and which ones Jim and I will have to split. I’m sure we’ll have other things creep up, but I really feel good about this.

Jim hasn’t done anything as far as I can tell. I’ve dropped hints about wanting to know when he plans to move out, but he’s either ignoring them, or missing them altogether. (I’m betting on the latter) While I’m in no hurry for he and Jessie to leave, I realize he’s a master procrastinator and will not move out on his own unless I nag him. He’s dragging his feet, and honestly, I don’t think he’s been looking at places or anything. Nothing’s packed, and we still have to hash out what furniture, appliances, and so forth will be going with them.

I’m dreading that, but a big part of me just wants to get it over with. I’m done being in limbo.

I still have my moments when I see or hear something that just makes me lose it, but I think I’m holding it together pretty OK. I did have to turn off my digital photo frame at work. It seemed every time I looked over, a picture of Jim or one of our wedding pics was up. I had been planning to swap out the photos on it anyways with newer ones of friends, family, and my favorite baby girl anyways.

So, that’s pretty much how things are — they’re OK. And I’m OK. Or, at least I think I will be.

I know everything will work itself out, eventually.

Long overdue

Where do I start? I don’t know how to explain what’s been going on, but I’ve come to a decision. Jim’s made it clear he wants out of this marriage. Honestly it hasn’t been a real marriage in a while. I’ve spent the last 3 years in emotional limbo, dreading the inevitable. Nothing I can do will change his mind. He thinks he’s fine and that he doesn’t need me. So I’m doing exactly what I should’ve done when he first told me that he wanted out … I’m moving on.

I love him, but I can’t continue to be with someone who doesn’t love me back, or in the very least treat me with the respect I deserve. I’ve been working on my budget, trying to map out my expenses and such. We recently had to replace our water heater, and this summer the A/C system will need replacing. Then there’s the things we’ve bought together, like the cars, and furniture … then there’s who will take what when he and Jess move out.

I don’t know exactly when it happened, but I woke up one day and thought to myself, “WTF are you doing?! Get up off your ass and get control of your life back!” So I’m doing exactly that. I’m looking out for me and Jess. I’ve made sure that Jessie knows (and I remind her OFTEN!) that she can call on me for anything at any time, no matter what. Jim has been reasonable with me continuing to see her, so I plan on keeping her room setup so she can stay with me whenever she wants.

But that’s pretty much it. I’m trying to take better care of me — something I’ve known from the beginning that I needed to do. Part of me still can’t believe this has really happened. I’m done mourning. I’m angry. I’m resentful. I’m wishing I hadn’t held back, wishing I had said more, instead of trying to play peacemaker. I played fair, when he didn’t. So I’m done with that, and from now on, I’m taking of myself.

Once I’m able, I will start working out with my trainer again. I have signed up for a couple self defense classes and am looking forward to those. Not that I feel vulnerable or anything, but it’s been a while since I’ve attended one, and one of the ones I’m attending includes one-on-one defense training with firearms.

There’s no date for when Jim moving out. Honestly I don’t think he’s prepared. Supposedly he’s looked at some apartments, but I don’t think he’s worked on a budget to see if they’re in a price range he can afford. I’ve always handled our bills, so he has no idea what anything costs. (not that I think he’s not capable, but he’s not the best at planning things or budgeting)

Work has been keeping me hella busy still. I am thinking of starting taking on side projects again. Having the extra money couldn’t hurt, and honestly, I’ve been out of the industry for so long I feel like not doing any work at all could prevent me from eventually getting back into web design. Hell, maybe I’ll go back to school. Nothing has been decided definitively. I guess this was just the wake-up call I needed to get myself back on track. I’ve been standing still for the last 3 years and never did anything to take care of myself … only taking care of everyone else.

I need to start actively blogging again. More than just my weekly funnies and depressing personal updates. I used to do so many things. I used to be a happier person, a fun person … I need to find her again.

Pardon me, conductor. I’d like to get off the Crazy Train now.

I know I kept promising personal updates. I kept holding off thinking things may settle down for once and I’d have something new to report. Things between me and Jim haven’t really progressed forward all that much in the grand scheme of things. Sure, we have our really good days and on those days, he’s hopeful and things look and sound promising. Then we have our “not so good days”, which were pretty much like what we had this weekend.

We had a huge fight Friday night, then another one Saturday. He wants me to leave him. He says he sees no future for the two of us and the sooner we separate, the better. He even deleted me from his Facebook friends list (AGAIN), telling me that he never wanted me on there in the first place. When I asked what that meant, he had no explanation other than “I like my space.”

Um, EXCUSE ME?!

I pointed out that I never post on his wall. Rarely ever “like” his postings, and even more rarely comment on anything he posts. How much more space could I give him? Of course, I when I asked why he wanted his daughter on his Facebook friends list but not his WIFE, he got all defensive saying, “How can I answer a question like that?”

I don’t hear from him unless he needs something. PERIOD. No texts, no calls, no emails. NOTHING. He sleeps on the couch. We don’t speak at all on some days. Heaven forbid I ever bother him with what needs to be done around the house, how Jessie is doing in school, or how her behavior has been. He doesn’t want to hear anything, he just wants to be “left alone.” Pardon me, but how much more fucking space could I give him???

His mood swings are radical some days. One minute he’s fine, the next it’s all “Get away from me, don’t talk to me, I don’t want to hear from anybody.” God bless Jessie, she made the comment Saturday that she knows where she gets her fits from (she’s become quite the handful, but she’s a teenager and I would expect some attitude and unreasonable behavior once in a blue moon). I laughed, but it’s true. His fits are only bigger and more drama-king-ish.

I think I cried most of this past weekend and even though he never verbally apologized, it was visible that he felt bad. I think I’m more mad than anything today, but honestly I swear I’m about to lose my damn mind. I mean, what else can I do?

I brought up his medication. He claims that he spoke to our doctor about it “months ago” and it was changed at some point, but I’ve gone over his prescription history. The only thing I could figure is maybe she gave him some samples to use, and even that couldn’t have been more than a month or two’s worth at the very most. I’m not doctor, but I know these things can sometimes take SEVERAL MONTHS to show ANY sign of improvement!

What’s worse, I’ve gotten second opinions from other doctors I’ve talked to, and they have all suggested he talk to our doctor about getting his medication changed ASAP. But I can’t make HIM see that. He’s refusing to even consider talking to our doctor again. He’s refusing to consider counseling (yet promised me just a few months ago that he would try “everything possible” before considering us parting ways).

So I’m stuck in limbo … and that’s about it in a nutshell.

He still says he loves, but is not in love with me. He keeps telling me I need to find someone to make me happy while I’m still young, that he’s too broken to give me what I need.

Dammit, I just want my husband back.

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