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Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start off with this one from Cookie:

Two businessmen in Illinois were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn’t ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, “I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.”

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, “What are you sellin’ here?”

One of the men replied sarcastically, “We’re selling ass-holes.”

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, “Must be doing well… only two left.”

Seniors — don’t mess with us!

This one is courtesy of Here Kitty Kitty:

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start off with these gems from Cookie:

A “different” Creation explanation

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God’s great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, “You want chocolate with that?” And Man said, “Yes!” and Woman said, “and as long as you’re at it, add some sprinkles.” And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, “Try my fresh green salad.” And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, “I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them.” And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof. God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it “Angel Food Cake,” and said, “It is good.” Satan then created chocolate cake and named it “Devil’s Food.”

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald’s and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, “You want fries with that?” And Man replied, “Yes! And super size them!” And Satan said, “It is good.” And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created Cuts to the Health Care System.

Amen.

I’d like to point out that:

In 2011, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address occur on the same day.

I want to take this time to point out:

It is an ironic juxtaposition of events; one involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little intelligence and competence for prognostication, while the other involves a groundhog.

And last but certainly not least is a football-related funny from Jeff, written by Roy Exum for The Chattanoogan:

The Funny Side Of Losing

Of all the post-season bowl games, the one I anticipated the most was Saturday’s Capital One match-up between Alabama and Big Ten co-champ Michigan State, because I figured it would be a great game. Well, it turned out to be a 49-7 rout, which shows how mighty the Crimson Tide can be and how little I know about college football.

The problem is that a lot of Michigan State fans thought the same thing, as you’ll see in a minute. MSU, winning a share of the first Big 10 title in 20 years, had high hopes, but on a cold afternoon when the Big 10 would go 0-5 on New Year’s Day, the 24/7 message board on a Michigan State booster website during the game was hysterical.

Understand, the game was a mockery, grown men playing havoc with mere children. Alabama seemed to score at will, striking on the first five possessions while dominating the Spartans so badly on defense, MSU had only 171 yards in total offense compared to the Crimson Tide’s 543. MSU left the field with minus-47 yards rushing in the most lop-sided Orlando bowl ever.

Michigan State quarterback Kirk Cousins was sacked four times, finally leaving the game in the fourth quarter with “a severe headache.” After drumming up a 28-0 halftime lead, Alabama played mostly subs the second half – you get the picture, right?

Michigan State coach Mark Dantonio, who had whined before the game that his team wasn’t getting enough respect, said afterwards, “We were outcoached, we were outplayed, and we were out-physicaled and that’s just the way it is. Sometimes, you get an avalanche come on you and that’s just what happened.”

But the Spartans’ fans said it better. Allow me to share the MSU message board during the game:

“Julio takin’ us to schoolio.” (just after Alabama wide receiver Julio Jones ran 35 yards for a touchdown on a reverse.)

“Why are they allowing Alabama to play with 35 players on defense?”

“I think their punter is currently drinking around the world in Epcot.” (Alabama didn’t punt until midway through the third quarter).

“If we played 10 times, they would win 15.”

“If Cam Newton costs $200,000 for a season, how much is a 2nd half rental?”

“…and now Cousins is dead.” (referring to MSU’s starting QB after the fourth sack)

“If I was our QB I would hire an attorney and sue them for negligence or intentional infliction of physical and emotional distress.”

“I’m ready to accept MSU boosters paying for an offensive line. If we get caught I can deal with it.”

“This is getting out of hand…an Alabama defensive lineman just popped out of my TV and threw me 10 yards behind my couch.”

“Do you think this is how Custer felt?”

“We’re going to have a wing named after us at Orlando Regional Medical Center by the time this game finishes.”

“This is embarrassing. So are we officially a basketball school again?”

“I want to know how many times in the history of organized football that teams have punted on 4th and goal”

“So this is what they mean by team speed.”

“If I’m (Andrew) Maxwell, I fake an injury on the way to the huddle.” (referring to the MSU freshman backup QB, who was knocked out of the game three plays later).

It’s just like Mark Twain once said, “Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.”

Excellent article, Roy!

Merry Christmas, Happy Solstice and Merry Yule, y’all!

And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”

Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests.”

When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let’s go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.”

So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.

– Luke 2:8-20 NIV

So far, this Christmas is turning out much better than last year’s. I’m hoping the trend continues.

Jim let me open one of my presents from him this morning: a Philips Fidelio docking speaker. I’ve been wanting a speaker/player for my iPhone and he got me a NICE one! It hooks up to my iPhone to play tunes off it, or I can hook it up to my MP3 player. It can also charge my phone and sync up on my pc with a USB cable. It’s much nicer than the ones I had been looking at, and so I brought it to work with me today to play with it.

A new toy! YAY! Teehee!

We’ll be heading out of town tomorrow and will be in and out all weekend. I hope everyone has a safe and very Merry Christmas, Happy Solstice, and Merry Yule!

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies are courtesy of Cookie:

Is sex work?

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep, so he was a little tired. He next posed the question of just how much of sex was “work” and how much of it was “pleasure?”

A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work. A Captain said it was 50%-50%. A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion. Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, “Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.”

The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked, “How so?”

“Well, sir, It should go without saying, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.”

The room fell silent.

God Bless the enlisted man.

A young man named Dave received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s’ mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. Dave tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary.

Finally, Dave was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.Dave shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. Dave in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, Dave quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Dave’s outstretched arms and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”

Dave was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, “May I inquire as to what the turkey did?”

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start with this one, the latest edition of Simon’s Cat:

This one is courtesy of I Can Has Cheezburger:

This one is courtesy of BlackFive:

These next few are courtesy of dear ol’ Cookie:

HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES:

Dump the male flight attendants, no one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell!! They don’t even serve food anymore, so what’s the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a “party atmosphere” going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women. Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn’t need a salary, thus saving even more money.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right — a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset. Why didn’t Bush or Obama think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

Hey, he’d have MY vote!

HOW TO STOP THE CHURCH GOSSIP

Dorothy, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business. Several members did not approve of her extracurricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Harold, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one after noon.

She emphatically told Harold (and several others) that every one seeing it there WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING!

Harold, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment. He just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Harold quietly parked his pickup in front of Dorothy’s house, walked home, and left it there all night.

(You gotta love Harold!)

This last one is courtesy of Geekologie who posted a cute bit that combines the elements of two movies I love — Star Wars and The Princess Bride:

A date which will live in infamy

I wasn’t aware of the date until I’d gotten to work this morning. Had a fight with the husband last night so naturally I’ve had very little sleep and am not quite “all here” today. My apologies for the tardiness of this post.

I’ve spent most of my lunch hour scouring favorite news blogs and local news sites. And honestly, I’m disheartened to see so little mention of today’s anniversary, if any at all. Not even Google has anything up.

I’m very disappointed in you, Google.

On the other hand, Bing has a very nice image of the memorial displayed with interactive tidbits and links. National Geographic also has a nice multimedia medley.

Thankfully, there are a few blogs covering the anniversary of the attack on Pearl Harbor, December 7, 1941:

• Remembering Pearl Harbor: Retired Birmingham doctor honors first black Alabamian to die in WWII
• Pearl Harbor Day to be marked quietly by survivor
• December 7th, 1941, “A Date which will live in Infamy.” “The Song of the Seabee’s”
• Air Raid Pearl Harbor. This Is Not A Drill
• Remembering Pearl Harbor: 69 years
• Morning Cup of Links: Pearl Harbor Day

As I’ve said before, my faith teaches forgiveness, and I am the first to admit that perhaps I need to practice a bit more of that. But forgiving a wrong does not also mean forgetting it altogether. George Santayana said, “Those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it.”

It’s been 69 years, America. Have we learned anything yet?

To those of you reading this: Hug your soldiers and veterans and thank them for us.

Holiday appropriate

It being the first day of December, I thought I’d put on the ole holiday dress-up for this site. Simple, but pretty nifty I still think.

Our Thanksgiving was fantabulous. Jim, Jess, and I loaded up the car and drove down to Jacksonville to surprise his aunt for her 75th birthday and spent Thanksgiving with his family.

IT. WAS. AWESOME!

Seriously, it was nice to finally have a family get-together where I didn’t have to stress over which parent to please, or what topics to avoid, or dreading what awful insult might be uttered from a particular person’s mouth, … We just sat around and chatted about family, food, and football. We ate a TON of food — including fried turkey, my favorite!!!

There were pies of every kind, and cakes, and ice creams of every imaginable flavor. There was baked turkey and stuffing. There was fried turkey. There was supposed to be a smoked turkey too, but it was accidentally burned, LOL! There was a plethora of cream cheese filled veggies, eggs, and other goodies. There were baked beans, and homemade mac ‘n cheese, and potatoes with gravy. (and God, I’m starting to get hungry just thinking of all this food!) We ate until our bellies felt as if they’d explode, then later we’d eat some more. We sat outside (and the weather was soooooooo nice!), watching the kids play football in the front yard and caught up on family that couldn’t make it or that were out of town.

It was great seeing some of Jim’s family that I’ve met over the past few years again, and even more fun meeting those I’d heard about but never met in person. I’m pretty sure my folks would have looked down on many of them, but I don’t care. These were my kind of people: simple, loving, and just plain fun.

There were a ton of kids around Jessie’s age. One particular set of cousins (twins, they were so cute!) latched onto Jessie and looked up to her, so of course she just soaked in the attention and all the funnery. In a way, it made me miss the old holiday family gatherings that my family used to have when I was a kid. Perhaps next year we’ll either do something similar up here, or just go back down there again!

We had originally planned to swing by to see my folks on the way home but that didn’t pan out. Part of me was worried about that, because (understandably) Jim didn’t want to go. Can’t say I blame him. I was dreading the visit for the very same reason: my father.

I am hoping to stop by and see them soon though, or maybe take them out to dinner. Jessie hasn’t seen them in so long, and I am hopeful that we might can just enjoy a nice night out for a change. There’s probably not a snowball’s chance in hell it will be as nice as I’m hoping, but I’m hopeful just the same. Maybe Christmas will be nice … I may be setting myself up for a disappointment, but hope is all I have and I have my claws dug in deep.

Hope y’all had a good one, I know I’m thankful that we did.

Where’s June?

Wow … it’s the end of June already. Almost July. Where has my time gone?

I’ve had lots happen over the past few months, but honestly can sum everything up in a few short sentences: things are mostly better.

Both Jim and I have been recommended to attend separate counseling, which we plan to once we’re financially able. (apparently our insurance only pays for so many sessions, then the rest WE are responsible for) Jim’s still looking for a job, but we are getting by.

Jessie is transforming more and more into a young lady every day, everyone we know has commented on how much she’s grown and how much older she looks already. You can’t help but notice that she acts older … she looks and talks like any typical teenage girl. As a mother, I couldn’t be prouder. But there’s something I’ve noticed this summer … I’ve noticed HER being noticed. Mostly by boys around her age — and a few older (who earn a VERY sharp warning look from me when I catch them! ).

I told Jim that we should start stockpiling ammunition. We’re going to need it.

Work has gotten busier. Every time I think that it couldn’t possibly get any more hectic, it does. But that’s good I suppose. Every time I take a day off, I come back to what looks like the aftermath of a tornado, or perhaps a hurricane.

It’s nice to know I’m missed.

Things are busy, but overall better than they have been. I’m thankful — I have a job, a loving family, and am blessed with wonderful friends. All that’s missing is a new house and some new big black combat boots.

Met with the counselor…

I think it went well, but am drained and tired. Jim’s being quiet, but I’m not taking that as a bad sign as we both aired a lot of things in our session. According to the counselor, our issues are fixable and the fact that we WANT to fix them “is huge,” so I’m taking that as a good sign. He wants to see us again next week, and suggested maybe we each get separate sessions as well … we’ll see on that. But for the meantime, slow and steady as we go.

I’m more hopeful … and apparently I’m not as broken as I thought I was. My therapist says so.

I’ll post more later, I promise.

One step forward, two steps back

I had originally intended to post this last week:

For a while I really believed we were headed in the right direction. Maybe we were … but now we are almost back to where we were last November. At least this time he’s agreeing to see someone about our problems.

Jim and I had a “talk” last week. Though things had progressed in a good direction for a little while, it seems that we aren’t doing much better than we were last year. Last weekend we had a fight and I think I’ve cried almost every day for nearly two weeks. But Jim DID agree to see a counselor with me this time. We have an appointment Tuesday.

I’m sick of being in this emotional limbo. I’m sick of crying. I’m sick of uncertainty. I’m sick of having to hold it together just long enough to make it to work every day, or be around family and friends and not be a total basketcase. I’m sick of being afraid that I’m losing my husband.

I’m nervous and scared — and I think I’m most afraid that I won’t have enough strength for the both of us this time.

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