Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies are courtesy of Don:

Quotes

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, ‘Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.’ — Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: – ‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.’ — Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. — Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. — George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. — Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. — Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. — Socrates

I was married by a judge.. I should have asked for a jury. — Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. — Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. — Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. — Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. — Rodney Dangerfield

Money can’t buy you happiness …. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. — Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was ‘SHUT UP.’ — Joe Namath

I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap. — Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. — W. C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. — Will Rogers

Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. — Winston Churchill

Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. — Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. — Billy Crystal

And the cardiologist’s diet: If it tastes good, spit it out!

Olympic Glory in Broadcasting

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the London Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator : “This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.”

2. Dressage commentator : “This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.”

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast : “I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.”

4. Boxing Analyst : “Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.”

5. Softball announcer : “If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.”

6. Basketball analyst : “He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn’t like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.”

7. At the rowing medal ceremony : “Ah, isn’t that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.”

8. Soccer commentator : “Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got eleven Dicks on the field.”

9. Tennis commentator : “One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them… Oh my God, what have I just said?”