Today’s funnies start off with these from Cookie:
A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, “Free Sex with Fill-Up.”
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said,”You were close! The number was 7. Sorry.No sex this time.”
A week later, the same redneck, along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, “Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.”
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother, “I think that game is RIGGED, and he doesn’t really give away free sex.”
George replied, “No it ain’t, Billy Ray. It ain’t rigged. My wife Thelma won twice last week!”
Catholic Last Rites
A bus on a busy street struck a Catholic man.
He was lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathered.
“A priest. Somebody get me a priest!” the man gasped.
Long seconds dragged on but no one stepped out of the crowd.
A policeman checked the crowd and finally yelled, “A PRIEST, PLEASE! Isn’t there a priest in this crowd to give this man his last rites?”
Finally, out of the crowd stepped a little old Jewish man in his 80s.
“Mr. Policeman,” said the man, “I’m not a priest. I’m not even a Christian. But for 50 years now, I’m living behind the Catholic Church on Second Avenue, and every night I’m overhearing their services. I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor man.”
The policeman agreed, and cleared the crowd so the man could get through to where the injured man lay.
The old Jewish man knelt down, leaned over the man and said in a solemn voice:
“B-5 … I-19 … N-38 … G-54 … O-72”
President Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and Obama asks him his name.
“Walter,” responds the little boy.
“And what is your question, Walter?”
“I have four questions: First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress? Second, why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it’s actually gotten worse? Third, why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preaching and beliefs? Fourth, why are we lending money to Brazil to drill for oil, but America is not allowed to drill for oil?”
Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume Obama says, “OK, where were we? Oh, that’s right: question time. Who has a question?”
Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.
“Steve,” he responds.
“And what is your question, Steve?”
“Actually, I have two questions. First, why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early? Second, what the f*ck happened to Walter?”
This funny is courtesy of I Can Has Cheezburger:
And this one I got from The Mary Sue. It’s not so much funny, more like very cool.