Funnies are back! My apologies for the unannounced hiatus, the holidays snuck up on me and I have been sick for the past 3-4 weeks. I needed the time off!
But, we’re back and have plenty for this week! So without further ado, let’s start off with these from Cookie:
Vern works hard at the Phone Company but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he’s pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, ‘Hey, Vern! How ya doin?’
His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.
‘Oh no,’ says Vern. ‘He’s in my bowling league.
When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, ‘How did she know that you drink Budweiser?’
‘I recognize her, she’s the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.’
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all over him and says, ‘Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?’
Vern’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, ‘Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.’
A newly retired cop was walking down the street, on his way to a retired cops breakfast, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for a meal. The retired cop took out his wallet, extracted a twenty dollar bill and asked the guy, “If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of food?” “No, I had to stop drinking many years ago when I was a cop,” the homeless man replied.
“You were once a cop?” “Yes,” the homeless man replied. “On the force for 12 years, until I was fired for drinking on duty and I lost my retirement after wrecking a patrol car the same day.”
“Will you use this $20 to only buy donuts and coffee instead of buying nutritious food?” “No, I don’t waste time with sugary foods,” the homeless man said. “I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive and eat as well as I can.”
“Will you spend this $20 on greens fees at a golf course instead of good food?” “Are you nuts?” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t played golf in 20 years since I was fired from the force.”
“Will you spend the money on a woman over in the red light Tenderloin District instead of buying good food?” “What disease would I get for a lousy twenty bucks? I hate whores.” exclaimed the homeless man.
“Well,” said the retired cop, “I’m not going to give you the money now. Instead, I’m going to take you to a terrific cops breakfast around the corner and get you to tell the retired cops your story, then you get the money.”
The homeless man was astounded. “Won’t these officers be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting, man.” The retired cop replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for them all to see what a cop looks like after he has given up beer, donuts, golf and sex.”
And even though the holidays are passed, I still thought this was worth sharing!
Both Don and Cookie sent me that one, as well as several people on Facebook. I love Aunt Chippy!
Last and certainly not least we got this one from Don:
A woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job. She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and had worked as a social worker and school teacher. The foreman frowned and said, “I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?”
“Well, as a matter of fact, I have!” she smiled. “I’ve been divorced three times, owned two Chrysler’s and I voted for Obama.”