Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funny is courtesy of my pal Don.

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start off with this one from Cookie:

Understanding Washington Politics

The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals. We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese. However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves and, presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.

Now consider a group of Baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates. And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons? Believe it or not: a Congress!

I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington!

And these are courtesy of my mother:

Men

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, ‘What setting do I use on the washing machine?’

‘It depends,’ I replied. ‘What does it say on your shirt?’

He yelled back, ‘Ohio State!’

And they say blondes are dumb …

**************************************************************

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, ‘I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world … ‘

The woman replies, ‘I’ll miss you.’

**************************************************************

‘It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,’ Jack says as he stepped out of the shower. ‘Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?’

‘Probably that I married you for your money,’ she replied.

**************************************************************

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor.

**************************************************************

Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods.Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I’ll beat him to death.

AMEN.

**************************************************************

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

**************************************************************

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

**************************************************************

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

**************************************************************

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end to wipe.

**************************************************************

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the email folder ‘Instruction Manuals’

**************************************************************

While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world.

… Then He made the earth round.

Humpday Hilarities

This week’s funnies start off with this one from my mother:

Italian Tomato Garden

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant
my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a
garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know
you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could
do under the circumstances.

Love you,
Vinni

This one is from my pal Cookie:

Sex and Good Grammar

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, “This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say ’1-2-3.’ When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want.”

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, “How do I stop the medicine from working?”

“Your partner must say ’1-2-3-4,’” he responded, “but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, “1-2-3!”

Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, “What was the 1-2-3 for?”

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

Humpday Hilarities

My apologies for being so late with this one. Work has been busy and stressful and I hadn’t made time to post this until just now.

This week’s edition is courtesy of my pal Cookie:

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their ‘tourist’ garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a ‘drop dead gorgeous’ blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn’t help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said ‘Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father,’ nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said ‘Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father,’ and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn’t stand it any longer and said, ‘Just a minute, young lady.’

‘Yes, Father?’

‘We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?’

She replied, ‘Father, it’s me, Sister Kathleen!’

Humpday Hilarities

This week’s edition starts off with this one from Adam on Facebook:

“What do we want?”
“A cure for ADHD!”
“When do we want it?”
“Squirrel!”

These are a few of my favorites from I Can Has Cheezburger and I Has a Hotdog: