Humpday Hilarities

This week’s edition starts off with this one from my buddy Steve on Facebook:

Some doctor on tv this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I’d started and hadn’t finished. I finished off a bottle of Vodka, a bodle of Baileys, a botle of wum, a pock of Prungles, 1/2 chesecke an a boc a choclez. Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feeel now. Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr piss.

There, I feel better now. Don’t you?

This one is from Cookie:

I was in the restroom at Kmart the other day and someone had stuck this sticker on the hand drier unit.

This one I’ve seen on several of the LOL/animal sites I frequent and is too cute not to share

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start off with this one from Cookie:

Fable of the porcupine

It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold. The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions. After awhile, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth. Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the heat that came from the others. This way they were able to survive.

The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person’s good qualities.

The moral of the story is: Just learn to live with the pricks in your life!

Courtesy of Google+, this is what’s really going on during a power outage:

And last but not least, this is from I Has a Hotdog:

How my husband does gardening

Jim’s been itching to replace the shrubbery in front of our house for a while. We’d talked about several things to replace them with, but honestly I wasn’t looking forward to the arduous task of digging everything up. These shrubs came with the house and there’s no telling how old they are. Then one day, one of our neighbors suggested a more “manly” way to rid our front of the unwanted plants … yank it up with a car.

More specifically, MY car!

Jim thought this was a great idea and brought home some heavy duty tow cables last week. While working on some paperwork yesterday, Jessie came up to my desk to give me the “damage report” (i.e. tattle on Daddy, LOL). I asked if anything was broken. We still had power, so that meant the roots weren’t deep enough to yank up the power lines, but those aren’t the only utility lines buried in front of the house. She says “Oh, everything’s fine, but the cable box moved some!”

I walked out onto the front porch to see for myself:

Notice the cable line running in and out of the roots, you can see it pretty well in the 3rd image. When I pointed that out to Jim, he says “Huh. Well, good thing that wasn’t yanked out. ”

It’s more funny than anything, I couldn’t even get mad at him for making such a mess or almost knocking out our phone, internet, AND cable tv. And I’m glad it didn’t mess up my car, LOL!

The pictures really speak to me though. They say “Jim was here.”

Humpday Hilarities

This week’s edition is courtesy of my pal Dave:

How Hot/Dry Is It?

It is soooo dry I saw two trees chasing a dog.

I heard it was so hot that the cows were giving evaporated milk.

It’s so hot, I saw a squirrel handling his nuts with a potholder.

It’s so hot, I poured McDonald’s coffee in my lap to cool down.

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funny is courtesy of a friend of mine on Facebook:

A friend went to the Brush Country Women’s meeting Tuesday. The topic was the Texas Conceal Carry Law. One of the speakers related the following story:

On the way to the previous monthly meeting an elderly lady was stopped by a highway patrolman. He asked for her driver’s license and insurance. The lady took out the required information and handed it to the patrolman.

In with the cards he was surprised to see she had a conceal carry permit. He looked at her and asked if she had a weapon in her possession at this time. She responded that she indeed had a .45 Colt automatic in her glove box. Something, body language or the way she said it, made him want to ask if she had any other firearms. She then admitted to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console.

Now he had to ask one more time if that was all, and she responded once again she did have just one more, a S&W .38 Special revolver in her purse. The officer then ask her the obvious question: “Lady, what are you so afraid of?” She looked him right in the eye, smiled, and said, “Not a damn thing!”

That reminds me of something that happened to me a few weeks ago …

A guy was going door-to-door in our subdivision trying to drum up business for a new home security company starting up in our area. He seemed nice enough, but was persistent in trying to get me to listen to his pitch even though I insisted that we were not interested in buying anything from him. No matter how many times I politely, but firmly, said “Thank you, but we’re not interested,” he kept on and on. Finally, I’d had enough and decided that it was time to just be rude and be done with it. As I’m about to close the door he asks, “So you want your home to stay unprotected?”

I looked at him square in the eye and said “This home IS protected.” He says, “By who?”

I answered, “Smith & Wesson. Have a nice day.” and closed the door.

Happy 4th of July

I hope everyone is having a great holiday weekend. It’s rained here all weekend, so the headaches have been abundant, but luckily my meds have helped tremendously with that and have been able to enjoy most of my weekend.

This morning I read an email from one of my Cotillion sisters linking to an article by Dennis Prager outlining a ceremony suggestion for honoring the holiday. He’s succinctly summed up several key points about our Independence Day that I think a lot of people have forgotten, and I’d like to share them here.

Today, we take a few minutes to remember what the Fourth of July is about and to remind ourselves how fortunate we are to be Americans. Before America was a nation, it was a dream — a dream shared by many people, from many nations, over many generations.

It began with the Pilgrims in 1620, who fled Europe so that they could be free to practice their religion. It continued through the 17th century, as more and more people arrived in a place that came to be known as the New World. In this new world, where you were from didn’t matter; what mattered was where you were headed.

As more and more people settled, they started to see themselves as new people — Americans. They felt blessed: The land was spacious. The opportunities limitless. By 1776, a century and a half after the first Pilgrims landed, this new liberty-loving people was ready to create a new nation.

And on July 4 of that year, they did just that. They pronounced themselves to be free of the rule of the English king. We know this statement as the Declaration of Independence.

…

Three ideas summarize what America is all about. They are engraved on every American coin. They are “Liberty,” “In God We Trust” and “E Pluribus Unum.”

“Liberty” means that we are free to pursue our dreams and to go as far in life as hard work and good luck will take us.

“In God We Trust” means that America was founded on the belief that our rights and liberties have been granted to us by the Creator. Therefore they cannot be taken away by people.

“E Pluribus Unum” is a Latin phrase meaning “From Many, One.” Unlike other countries, America is composed of people of every religious, racial, ethnic, cultural and national origin — and regards every one of them as equally American. Therefore, “out of many (people we become) one” — Americans.

As we gather with friends and loved ones enjoying the festivities, let us also remember this holiday’s origin and meaning.