Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start off with this one from Cookie:

Brilliant Ad … guess what it’s for!

This one is courtesy of one of my guildies:

West Virginia Farm Kid in Marines

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are too. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. It’s practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.

We go on ‘route marches,’ which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A ‘route march’ is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing.. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges They come in boxes.

We have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once.. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5’6′ and 130 pounds and he’s 6’8′ and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Alice

Here’s another one from Cookie that I had somehow forgotten to post a while back (Sorry!)

Bob Hope on …

ON TURNING 70
‘You still chase women, but only downhill.’

ON TURNING 80
‘That’s the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.’

ON TURNING 90
‘You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.’

ON TURNING 100
‘I don’t feel old. In fact , I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.’

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING
‘I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.’

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR
‘Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it’s called at my home, ‘Passover’.

ON GOLF
‘Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.’

ON PRESIDENTS
‘I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.’

ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER
‘When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham.

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL
‘I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.’

ON HIS FAMILY’S EARLY POVERTY
‘Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.’

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS
‘That’s how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.’

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES
‘I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn’t for the stuff the audience threw at me.’

ON GOING TO HEAVEN
‘I’ve done benefits for ALL religions. I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.’

This last one is a bit geeky, courtesy of The Mary Sue:

It’s no secret that I love MythBusters and that one right there has me in fits!

Humpday Hilarities

I’m back! My apologies for the unannounced hiatus; I have taken some much needed time off to deal with personal matters and am happy to be “back” and posting again.

Let’s start this afternoon’s post with this gem from my mother:

40 years of marriage

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, ‘For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.’

The wife answered, ‘Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband The fairy waved her magic wand and – poof! – two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: ‘Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.’

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof! … the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful should remember fairies are female.

These are from Cookie:

This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal.

Single black female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I’m a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I’ll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me… Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Annie, I’ll be waiting.

Over 150 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society.

The Wizard of Oz is 70 years old. Today, if Dorothy were to encounter men with no brains, no hearts, and no balls, she wouldn’t be in Oz.

She’d be in Congress!

Keep ‘em coming, y’all!

Mildred McDonough Thompson

My grandmother passed away quietly yesterday morning. My father called me at work just before lunch to relay the news. She had been ill for some time, and I’m going to miss her. Even though I’d been trying to prepare myself, it still hurts. Last night I came home to a very understanding husband and daughter to hug me and tell me that they love me very much. Despite the differences I’ve had with my parents, I’m going to see them this weekend and will be there to support my mother.

If you’re so inclined, please pray for my family.

Mildred McDonough Thompson,of Hueytown passed away peacefully on June 14,2011 at the age of 89. Mildred was born in Shelby Co., AL to James Robert McDonough and Blonnie Galloway McDonough, the sixth of their eight children. Mildred is survived by her brother, Billy C. McDonough of Pleasant Grove, AL. She was preceded in death by her husband, Sidney Bennett Thompson, whom she married in January of 1937.

Mildred is survived by her three daughters: Bonnie Thompson Bowman, Donna Thompson, and Linda (Paul) Sherer. She had been in the loving care of her daughter, Donna, at the time of her passing. She leaves 8 grandchildren, 10 great grandchildren and 1 great, great grandchild.

Mildred and Sidney lived the majority of their lives in Docena, AL where Mildred was active in the Baptist Church and community. She was an exquisite cook and accomplished seamstress and generously lent her talents to family and friends.

Mildred will be remembered as a true southern lady who always had a kind word and gentle touch. She embraced a loving relationship with all her children and grandchildren and made herself available for family and friends. Mildred touched many lives and her loving devotion will remain in the hearts of all who knew her.