Tears falling on Alabama

I’d like to start by saying: We’re OK! We really appreciate the emails, texts, Tweets, Facebook messages, and so on. We made it out with little damage and are really counting our blessings. Many in our neighboring communities did not fare so well. My beloved state and home is hurting right now, and there are many who did not make it through the storms. My heart goes out to all affected by yesterday’s destructive weather.

Gardendale made it out OK for the most part. Our sister city, Fultondale, looks like a war zone. Had the tornado that hit Birmingham been just a few miles northward, that would’ve been us. But it wasn’t, I have to keep telling myself. We were really lucky. We have many friends in other affected communities: Cullman, Tuscaloosa, Prattville, Warrior, Huntsville, downtown Birmingham. This particular system hit all the way up and down the state, leaving massive destruction in its wake. We had plenty of warning, but how do you prepare for an F5 tornado?

It just goes to show that no matter how prepared you think you are, it’s never enough. I’ve found that a smart phone is no replacement for a weather radio or battery-operated radio and stock of flashlights. That said, I have to give kudos to ABC33/40 for their nice weather app. I’m a big Fox6 fan, but found 33/40′s easier to use when we lost power. I was able to still get streaming video and weather updates …

… at least until the cell towers died.

But seriously, there’s still a lot of folks sitting in the dark right along with us; or worse, have no home to come back to. Please keep my fellow Alabamians in your thoughts and/or prayers. And for anyone looking for resources to help (or for help), here’s what I’ve found so far:

To donate to disaster victims in Alabama:

• Online: go to www.alredcross.org and click on the “donate now” link on the homepage
• Call: 1-800-RED-CROSS (1-800-733-2767) and you will be prompted to a menu that includes financial donations
• Text: “Red Cross” to 90999. A response will include two options for donations, either to Japan or for Disasters: domestic and spring storms.

To get in touch with local chapters:

• Northern Alabama http://www.redcrossrelief.org/
• Mid-Alabama (Birmingham) http://www.alredcross.org/general.asp?SN=8618&OP=8619&IDCapitulo=DRGYJ0Q5XZ
• Central Alabama (Montgomery) http://www.montgomeryarc.org/
• Southern Alabama http://www.redcrossalcoast.org/

Find a Red Cross shelter near you:

• Visit http://www.redcross.org/nss/

For storm survivors: Register yourself as “Safe and Well:”

• https://safeandwell.communityos.org/cms/index.php

Humpday Hilarities

My apologies for this being late. We have had severe weather this week in Alabama, and (at home) we are currently still without power and cell service. Hope y’all are all OK!

This week’s funnies are courtesy of John:

UNDERSTANDING ALABAMER

First you must learn how to pronounce the major cities…Burminham; Huntsvul; Mobeeeel

Driving Information: Alabama has its own version of traffic rules. The truck with the loudest exhaust goes next at a four-way stop. The truck with the biggest tires goes after that.

Note: Blue-haired ladies driving anything have the right-of-way anytime.

To find anything in Burminham, it is required that you know where Malfunction Junction is, which is the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. It may be one of only two ‘cloverleaf formation’

interchanges in the world. We invented it and only one other city was stupid enough to implement it again Atlanta — making them only a wee bit dumber than we are.

The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday’s rush hour starts Thursday morning. If the term ‘merging delays’ is ever used by the person reporting the traffic, even in passing, call in to work and tell them that you will be at least 30 minutes late regardless of where you are in your commute.

If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be (at the very least) rear-ended, cussed out, and possibly shot. This applies to male and female drivers alike.

You must know that ‘I-459,’ ‘I-59,’ ‘I-20,’ and ‘I-65′ are the same road. They just loop around, cutting in and out of each other’s path. We think this was a ploy utilized to confuse outsiders and discourage visitors after the War of Northern Aggression.

Always, always, always, find out if it is a race or football weekend before you get on any of these highways to travel somewhere. If it is a race or football weekend, stay home. You won’t be pleasantly going anywhere else.

Construction is a permanent fixture in Alabama . The barrels are moved around in the middle of the night to make the next day’s driving a little more interesting. The barrels stay long after construction ends because the construction company has nowhere else to store them until their next construction job.

If someone has their turn signal on, wave them over to the shoulder immediately to let them know — you can be sure it was accidentally activated’.

The minimum acceptable speed on ‘I-65′ (see above) is 85 mph. Anything less is considered downright sissy.

This is also Alabama ‘s state-highway-sponsored version of NASCAR — especially during rush hour (see above) and everyone in the city is driving at once, bumper-to-bumper. If you are in the left lane and only going 70 in a 55-65 zone, you are considered a road hazard, and will be ‘flipped a bird’ accordingly.

Do not gawk at the woman in the car beside you in traffic who is applying make-up, drinking a Diet Coke, smoking a Marlboro, and maintaining a steady speed of 85 mph on I-65 in rush hour traffic. If she is coming from north of Burminham, she might be packing. If she is coming from south of Burminham, she IS packing and is not afraid to use it.

Weather Information: If it’s 110 degrees, Thanksgiving could be next weekend. If it’s 10-20 degrees and sleeting or snowing, then watch out. Burminham residents consider this ‘demolition derby’ day and will be all over the roads (front ways, sideways, etc). Please proceed with caution, as you could be the next target. 100 degrees Fahrenheit is ‘a little warm’.

Seasonal Information: If you stick to the seats in your vehicle, it is Spring. If you need to let the car ‘get some air’ while standing next to it with the doors open for a minute before you can stick your upper body inside to crank it and get the air going, it is Summer. If you are sweating even with the windows down, driving 55 mph, it is Fall. If you finally turn the AC off and roll your windows up, it is Winter. You’ll probably have to switch from ‘heat’ to ‘A/C’ in the same day. We have four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.

General Information: Do not ever speak during the song ‘ Sweet Home Alabama ‘ unless it is to sing along with the lyrics. This is a form of heresy and will erupt in a brawl if everyone doesn’t show ‘proper respect’ to the band who gave us Free Bird. This is especially true if alcohol is present (notice I didn’t say ‘sold at this event,’ but ‘present’).

Yes, we know that Vulcan is mooning the entire city of Burminham. It’s not that funny to us anymore, and by now we’re used to it.

If you ask someone for a ‘coke,’ they will often ask you, ‘What kind?’ This is not a trick question. Tell them what you want: Sprite, Dr.Pepper, Root Beer, etc., it is all ‘coke’.

All tea is sweet. If it’s not sweet, you are in a Chinese restaurant or have crossed the Mason-Dixon Line.

Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 o them live in Alabama.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Alabama, plus a couple no one’s seen before.

If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.

Onced and Twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.

People actually grow and eat okra.

‘Fixinto’ is one word..

There is no such thing as ‘lunch.’ There is only dinner and then supper.

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you’re two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!

Backwards and forwards means ‘I know everything about you.

DGeet is actually a phrase meaning ‘Did you eat?’

You don’t have to wear a watch because it doesn’t matter what time it is.

You work until you’re done or it’s too dark to see.

You don’t PUSH buttons, you MASH them.

You measure distance in minutes.

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

You carry jumper cables in your car . . . for your OWN car.

There are only four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.

The first day of deer season is a national holiday.

Going to Wal-mart is a favorite pastime.

Fried catfish is the other white meat.

We don’t need no stinking driver’s ed …. if our mama says we can drive, we can drive.

If you understand these jokes please forward them to your friends from Alabama (and those who just wish they were).

EVERYONE can’t be a Alabamian; it takes talent. You might say it’s an art form or a gift from God!

Humpday Hilarities

This week’s funnies start with this one from my mother. Parts of it I’ve seen (and most likely posted?) before, but some of it was new to me:

Children on …

NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, ‘Mom, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!’

OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, ‘The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.’

KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. ‘Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.’

MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, ‘What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?’

POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, ‘Are you a cop?’

‘Yes,’ I answered and continued writing the report.

‘My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?’

‘Yes, that’s right,’ I told her.

‘Well, then,’ she said as she extended her foot toward me, ‘would you please tie my shoe?’

POLICE #2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. ‘Is that a dog you got back there?’ he asked. ‘It sure is,’ I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, ‘What’d he do?’

ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, ‘The tooth fairy will never believe this!’

DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, ‘Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.’

‘And why not, darling?’

‘You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.’

DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: ‘Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.’

(I want this line used at my funeral!)

SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. ‘I’m just wasting my time,’ she said to her mother. ‘I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk!’

BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

‘Mama, look what I found,’ the boy called out.

‘What have you got there, dear?’

With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, ‘I think it’s Adam’s underwear!’

This cute video is courtesy of I Has a Hotdog:

This one is courtesy of The Daily What:

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start off with this one from Don:

The Blind Bunny

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell right on his twitchy little nose.

“Oh please excuse me,” said the bunny. “I didn’t mean to trip over you, but I’m blind and can’t see.”

“That’s perfectly all right,” replied the snake. “To be sure, it was my fault. I didn’t mean to trip you, but I’m blind too, and I didn’t see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?”

“Well, I really don’t know,” said the bunny. “I’m blind, and I’ve never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.”

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, “Well, you’re soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!

The bunny said, “I can’t thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?”

The snake replied that he didn’t know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, “Well, what kind of an animal am I?”

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, “You’re cold, you’re slippery, and you haven’t got any balls…. You must be a politician.”

And this one is courtesy of my mother:

The year is 2016 and the United States has just elected the first woman as well as the first Bama president, Susan Downsouth. A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says, ‘So, Dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?’

‘I don’t think so. It’s a 16 hour drive, your mother isn’t as young as she used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.’

‘Don’t worry about it Dad, I’ll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.’

‘I don’t know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?’

Oh Dad, replies Susan, ‘I’ll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in Washington.’

‘Honey,’ Dad complains, ‘you know I can’t eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.’

The President-to-be responds, ‘Don’t worry Dad. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in Washington, I’ll ensure your meals are salt free Dad, I really want you to come.’

So Dad reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2017, Susan Downsouth is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new president’s Dad and Mom. Dad noticing the senator sitting next to him leans over and whispers, ‘You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States .’

The Senator whispers back, ‘Yes I do.’

Dad says proudly, ‘Her brother played football at Alabama for Nick Saban.’

Humpday Hilarities

Howdy y’all! How is everybody?

This week’s funnies are courtesy of Cookie:

Breaking News

Beginning in early 2011 gas stations will start showing porn movies on the screens of the pumps so that you can watch someone else get screwed at the same time that you are!

Some financial planning

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune. One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. “I may look like just an ordinary guy,” he said to her, “But in just a few years my father will die and I will inherit $200 million”.

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

Humpday Hilarities

Wow, how is it Friday already? I mean, YAY it’s Friday!

We are slammed at work, so I hadn’t had a chance to post until this morning. Let’s start off with these from my mother:

LOL, maybe I need one of those signs!

This one is courtesy of Cookie:

And last but not least, this one is from Dave:

Have a great weekend!