Humpday Hilarities

Forgive me, y’all, I’m a day late. Still playing catch-up at work and riding my new car high, hehehe. So let’s get started!

This week’s funnies start with this from Cookie:

Ya just gotta love British honesty and humor

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour’s dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is… ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

These are courtesy of one of my favorite sites, I Has a Hotdog:

I think I should put that one up in my cube some days!

Time for an upgrade

Jim and I had talked before about upgrading our cars, but it really wasn’t possible until after he’d been working again for a while. On a whim, we went out last weekend “to look” … and I fell in love.

We spent today trading in my old car, a 2003 Hyundai Santa Fe, for a newer model — a 2011 Hyundai Santa Fe Limited FWD V6.

Another red car, wheeeee!

Those are the pics I took on my iPhone while we were waiting on the financing team to process our credit application. Interestingly, my credit score has improved greatly since the last time we applied for credit on anything (the house, before our layoffs). Jim’s has gone up a little, but the damage from his ex is still a huge black spot on his record. (Thank you, you stupid bitch.)

We’re planning on upgrading his car when the 2012 models come out. We didn’t have to put any money down on mine, but most definitely will have to on his. Oh well, things are good. All in all, today was taxing but ended with great results. I came home with a tremendous headache and went right to bed (waking up about an hour ago, LOL), but now I’m sitting here at my desk looking over all of the documentation and driver’s manual.

I can’t wait to take it out tomorrow!

We had gone to Tameron Hyundai here in Birmingham and I have to say that they tried their damnedest to make the process as stress-free as possible. A GREAT change from our last car-buying experience, which was a complete nightmare.

Seriously, they treated us so well and were so great about everything that we will definitely be seeing them in about 9 months to do this again!

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies are courtesy of Cookie:

Mammograms

Many women are anxious about mammograms, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test and best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in and around your home.

EXERCISE ONE:

Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door. Shut the door as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure.

Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn’t effective enough.

EXERCISE TWO:

Visit your garage at 3 am when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat with the other breast.

EXERCISE THREE:

Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts.

Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set up an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.

YOU ARE TOTALLY PREPARED!

Paddy’s Award

Paddy O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wonderful wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

Paddy thought about it and finally said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”

“Oh, that is very nice indeed, Paddy!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy’s drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “Paddy won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”

She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”

Paddy is now look’n fer a new pub t’hang out in.

Irish golfer

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer’s ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

‘Arrgh! What happened?’ the Leprechaun asked.

‘I’m afraid I hit you with my golf ball,’ the golfer says.

‘Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whadd ya want?’

‘Thank God, you’re all right!’ the golfer answers in relief. ‘I don’t want anything, I’m just glad you’re OK, and I apologize.’

And the golfer walks off.

‘What a nice guy,’ the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I’ll give him the three things I would want… a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.’

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

‘Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,’ the little guy says. ‘I just want to ask ye, how’s yer golf game?’

‘My game is fantastic!’ the golfer answers. I’m an internationally famous golfer now.’ He adds, ‘By the way, it’s good to see you’re all right.’

‘Oh, I’m fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how’s yer money situation?’

‘Why, it’s just wonderful!’ the golfer states. ‘When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn’t even know were there!’

‘I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how’s yer sex life?’

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, ‘It’s OK.’

‘C’mon, c’mon now,’ urged the Leprechaun, ‘I’m wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?’

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, ‘Once, sometimes twice a week.’

‘What??’ responds the Leprechaun in shock. ‘That’s all? Only once or twice a week?’

‘Well,’ says the golfer, ‘I figure that’s not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.’

A couple were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor. It was their 50th anniversary.

“Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed son number one, “Sorry I’m running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn’t have time to get you a gift.”

“Not to worry,” said the father. “The important thing is that we’re all together today.”

Son number two arrived and announced, “You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn’t have time to shop for you.”

“It’s nothing,” said the father. “We’re glad you were able to come.”

Just then the daughter arrived. “Hello and happy anniversary! I’m sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn’t have time to get you anything.”

After they had finished dessert, the father said, “There’s something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we each worked two jobs and were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.”

The three children gasped and all said, “You mean we’re bastards?”

“Yep,” said the father. ” And cheap ones too .”

Humpday Hilarities

Posting a little late today, I have quite a few to share.

This week’s edition begins with this one from my mother:

Actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:

1. “You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.”

2. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”

3. “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”

4. “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

5. “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”

6. “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”

7. “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”

8. “Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”

9. “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”

10. “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.”

11. “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

12. “In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC.” ( National Crime Information Center )

13. “Just how big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?”

14. “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”

15. “I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”

AND THE WINNER IS….

16. “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.”

These are courtesy of Cookie:

An Irish Ghost Story

This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it’s true.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door …. only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn’t on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying … and wasn’t drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other …

‘Look Paddy….there’s that fooking idiot that got in the car while we was pushing it!’

A guy named Jim McBride walks into a bar in Kentucky and orders a white wine. All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north. The bartender says, “You ain’t from around here, are ya?”

The guy says, “No, I’m from Seattle.”

The bartender says, “What do you do in Seattle?”

The guy says, “I’m a taxidermist.”

The bartender says, “A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?”

“No”, says the man “A taxidermist doesn’t drive a taxi. I mount animals.”

The bartender grins and hollers, “It’s okay boys. He’s one of us!”

A call to the Sportsman’s’ Hotline:

Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, last night about midnight I hid in the boatshed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone’s car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?

That’s a man for ya

Cookie was also nice enough to share a link to “The Ultimate Cruise.” Now, I don’t know about y’all, but that looks like FUN!

And last but not least, this is courtesy of The Daily What:

A pair o’ Harleys

It’s funny that because my main character in Aion is named Harleykin, many people assume I’m a biker. Actually, she’s named after one of my favorite Batman characters, Harley Quinn. I like Harleys, but don’t own one. (might be nice … someday) That said, I do LOVE their gear. Especially their boots.

What can I say? I’m a woman and I love shoes — namely BOOTS!

I had a pair many years ago and wore them until the soles literally fell off. Sadly, it ‘s hard to find a good long-lasting pair of boots. Next to some old Doc Martens (a staple in every self-disrespecting goth girl’s wardrobe don’tchaknow!), they were my absolute favorites. Well I decided that it was time to invest in another pair of good boots. My early birthday gifts to myself are the fitness trainer sessions that I mentioned last week and these beauties:

These are a pair of Harley-Davidson “Robyn” riding boots for women. I normally prefer a more ‘military’ style, but once I saw these I was smitten!

Because none of the local retailers here carried this style, I had to order online. I’ll tell you what — when my package came in, I tore into that box like a 6 year old on Christmas Day! There’s nothing like the smell of new leather. It’s easily one of my favorites!

I’ve been wearing these lovelies everywhere trying to get them broken in. So far, so good!

Once some of this weight starts dropping off, I can invest in some ‘skinnier’ (e.g. not ‘hide the fat baggy’) jeans and sport them around properly.

I’m excited.

Making a change

One of my goals has long been to lose weight. It’s not much when you look at the big picture of things, but it’s something I’ve been struggling with because of work and family obligations and my consistently slipping off the diet. (Comfort food is too comforting!) I came to the decision that I can’t do this alone and today took a first step in a new direction. I met with a personal trainer where I’ve been going (or rather, haven’t been going) to work out.

Getting all of my proper measurements done and putting my goals in writing helped more than I realized. I feel really good about this. They’re going to set me up with a couple of people to work with. Learn how to work out and use weights properly. Learn what kind of diet I ~should~ be eating. I’ll be accountable for something, I’ll have to show up on the days I have committed whether I feel like working out or not. They’ll also be on me to come in and work out even on days I don’t work with a trainer.

I’m essentially paying someone to nag me.

And I feel good about this. It’s going to be hard as Hell. My body and my fat are really good friends. They’re not going to want to separate.

I’ve been working very hard to re-organize other parts of my life. It’s about time I started taking care of my health. My headaches are getting worse because of the stress. Getting back down to a healthy weight would help minimize my pain, and would give me another outlet for stress. Most of all, I want this. I want my pre-wedding body back. I want to be able to run up a half dozen flights of stairs and not feel like I’m going to pass out. I want to start kickboxing again.

I want to feel better. And I should’ve done this a long time ago.

Wish me luck!

I’m ok, and that’s ok

I was perusing Tumblr and ran across this image:

I think that pretty much sums everything up. Things are better, but not fantabulous. We’re finally getting caught up financially and things are looking up as far as that goes. Personally, I would like to work towards putting our house back on the market and start paperwork on the house we wanted (YES! It’s still available!), but Jim’s not ready for that. And I don’t know if or when he will be. Us selling our house indicates promise for a future for “us” … and that’s still uncertain to him.

So, I’m still an emotional sponge. I soak up everything around me, and with the littlest bit of pressure, everything comes rushing out. But at least I’ve been able to hold it together a little better than before. Baby steps, I guess?

I know I haven’t posted much personal stuff … or really, anything at all, other than my weekly funnies. The truth is, I’m busy. We’re busy. And I try like mad to stay distracted or I’ll go out of my mind. (my ‘silly game‘ helps a lot with this, believe it or not, it’s been great therapy for me … in my opinion) And I try every day to find things that make me smile or laugh. Tumblr has been great for that. There’s SO MANY fan sites on there of things that I adore — from kittens and puppies to geeky sci-fi movies and tv shows.

So, like Jim and I have good days and bad days for us, I also have good days and bad days for me. And I’m working hard on keeping positive. The dark place I used to be in now has a little more light, and sometimes I think I can see better days ahead.

I still have hope.

Love and hugs to you all. I promise I’ll try to post more often. ♥

Humpday Hilarities

Howdy y’all! Let’s get started with this week’s edition with this one from Kristi:

The leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a Bud, the CEO of Miller gets a Miller, the head of Coors orders a Coors, and so on. Until it’s Arthur Guinness’s turn. He orders a soda.

“Why didn’t you order a Guinness?” everyone asks.

Guinness replies, “Well, if you guys aren’t having beer, then neither will I.”

This next one is the latest edition of Simon’s Cat:

This next one is from Adam: