Humpday Hilarities

Last week I was delighted to discover that the iTunes store carries many of the recordings of Lewis Grizzard, so I’m going to share a few of my favorite snippets with y’all today.

Hope y’all are having a great week!

Humpday Hilarities

Oh boy! Today’s funnies start off with these from Cookie:

A Senior Moment at Church

A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that could pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up and proclaims, “If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!” The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, “If the Preacher will stay on here, I’ll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!” More sighs and loud applause.

Joe Tavares stands up and says, “If the preacher stays I will provide him with all the wine he wants.”

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, “If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex!”

There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her, “Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?”

Sadie’s 92 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, “Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, ‘Screw him!’”

This one is from my mother:

With time, women gain weight because we accumulate so much information and Wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our bodies. So we aren’t heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy.

Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, “Good grief, look how smart I am!”

Must be where the term ‘Smart Ass’ came from!

And last but not least, this has made its way around both my Tumblr and Facebook friends lists, and I thought it was too cute not to share:

Humpday Hilarities

I’m back!!!!

Whew! For a while there, I was afraid today’s edition would not be posted for several days. As you can see, my site is finally back up, but my host is still investigating what caused it to go down in the first place.

To quote one of their customer support representatives: “Wow, I’ve never seen one do THAT before!”

But at least it’s back up and after this weekend, all of the bugs should be gone. (I hope! LOL)

Now … on with the funnies!!!

Let’s start off with this one from Don:

I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one woman in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, “Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?”

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, “Fluctuations.”

The Asian lady says, “Fluc you white people too!”

These are from Cookie:

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob’s hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, “What the heck’re ya doing, Billy Bob?”

“Good Lord, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me,” says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. “Me ‘n the Ol’ Lady been havin’ trouble lately in the bedroom d’partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor.”

(Now don’t make me come ‘splain this to you! Read the last line again … slowly.)

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, “How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?”

“Well,” he said, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” I said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No” he said. “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”

Have a good’un!

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start off with these courtesy of Cookie:

The Italian Virginity Test

Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin. She says she is.

His doctor says, “Mario, all the Italian men I know use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit – A small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel.”

Mario asks, “And what do I do with these things, doc?”

The doctor replies, “Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, ‘That’s the strangest pair of balls I’ve ever seen!’, you hit her with the shovel — then bury her with it!”

My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.” She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she’d asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal’s office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, “Colonel Sanders.”

Guess where I am now!???

These next tidbits are from Dan Lewis‘ daily “Now I Know” newsletter. Today’s edition contains some amusing Google easter eggs, which I thought some of y’all might enjoy.

Today is Groundhog Day, and if you’re familiar with the movie of the same name (you should be!), your initial reaction to today’s holiday may be a single word: recursion. The movie, starring Bill Murray as meteorologist Phil Connors, focuses on a day in Connors’ life — a day which repeats over and over and over again, in a seemingly infinitely repetitive loop. Recursion.

To see what he’s talking about, all you have to do is Google the term “recursion”. Pay particular attention to the “Did you mean” line.

Go ahead, click it …

See?

He goes on to list a few others, such as

• Ask Google what is the “answer to life, the universe, and everything” — which is 42, of course! (a reference to The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy)
• If you ask Google what is the loneliest number, it of course replies “1.”

There’s tons of fun to be had with Google search including: using it to “translate to beatbox; search the Web in Klingon, Pirate, or as Elmer Fudd.”

Yep, I am so not getting anything done during lunch today.